Staying off work with sick spouse

[Sashkin]

Just posting to see whose expectations are unreasonable here.

Spouse A is off work this week to supervise builders. Toddler came down with 24hr vomiting bug on Thursday night, so both parents were up most of Thursday night changing sheets/cleaning up toddler, and spouse A looked after him during the day on Friday (usually goes to nursery).

A came down with toddler’s bug on Friday night and was up vomiting. Spouse B is working twelve hour shifts this weekend (doctor). Should B have called in sick on Saturday morning to look after toddler so A could catch up on their sleep?

To avoid dripfeeding: Toddler was completely recovered by then, so A was doing normal childcare not mopping up toddler’s sick as well as their own. A finds solo childcare stressful at the best of times, and was in tears on Saturday morning at the thought of looking after toddler on minimal sleep.

B argues that B has done childcare in worse circumstances without complaint, and calling in sick would not be fair or safe on their patients or colleagues (departing night shift doctor would have had to stay to cover B’s shift, ie a 24hr shift), plus B is likely to be applying for consultant job in this trust in next few months so wants to avoid any perception of flakiness.

A says hospital cover is hospital’s problem not A or B’s problem, and should come second to toddler’s needs. A has long resented B’s job requiring evening and weekend work - A is self employed and much better paid than B, and does not see why B is working 60hr weeks to detriment of family life. Similar problems during B’s nightshifts with A angry that B is leaving A to parent alone overnight.

It’s probably obvious which parent I am, but I have tried to be fair to both sides. Would you expect your spouse to take the day off work to look after the children if you were ill but the children weren’t?

I think that going to work as a doctor while you're possibly infected with a bug might cause problems.

Other than that I'd say it's a situation where one has to suck it up. Sympathies though. A bug can make you feel rotten.

Most likely op will be immune to the bug, I rarely ever get sickness bugs, I’m a paeds nurse so look after poorly kids with gastro bugs etc at work (and at home if my own kids are ill) does that mean I wouldn’t go to work after looking after my poorly kids or go home after looking after sick kids in hospital with bugs?

My ex is police so between us phoinjgn in sick when the other was ill was a no no he couldn’t but could arrange to go in later or leave earlier if things weren’t good some bosses are better than others when it comes to these things. It’s amazing how much you can suck it up when you have to, Ive woken up ill after he’s gone to Work previously and had to get kids up and ready for school, nursery etc (I have 4) then go back home in couch to look after my youngest it’s not fun but I’ve never had someone to look after me when Ill because I’ve just Got on with it,

I think it depends. If Bi's the main earner then it really must be a priority to advance their career. If not then I would have thought that it would be nice of B to stay but wouldn't expect it.

does that mean I wouldn’t go to work after looking after my poorly kids or go home after looking after sick kids in hospital with bugs?

I guess it depends on the conditions of the patients.

I have a friend with severe issues with her immune system. A doctor who had a bug/sickness would spell trouble if they were treating her. In different cases it wouldn't really matter as much I suppose.

Obviously it depends on what OP is doing. But then again I have absolutely no experience so I don't really know how it all works.

As a doctor I'm sure OP knows when she is or isn't dangerously infectious and knows how to mitigate the chance of infection to her patients.

When you're sick and tired and you have to look after a kid the rules are that you get to send moany texts to your partner at work. You let the kid watch a little too much CBeebies. You give the kid the simplest meals you can possibly muster up. Your partner comes straight back from work ASAP and as soon as they're in the door you crawl off to bed. You can't however expect them to take the day off work for you.

That was meant to say "wouldn't" call in sick but explain the situation

Only read the first page.

I got d&v with a 7 month old and was ebf. We were both up in the night dh looking after me (nearly fainting) and LO

Dh took leave to look after us both as I struggled to hold LO to feed and also LO was already crawling. However DH is not in the emergency services. Different job may have been a different outcome.

Looking after kids when you're ill is hard work, it sucks but just what happens sometimes. My DH works a Saturday shift every couple of months , typically 3/5 times that the kids have been very ill it's fallen on that day and I've just had to get on with it. It's horrendous when you're ill too but you just have to dramatically lower your expectations/standards for that period of time.

I have been A many times.

A needs to suck it up and get on with it. Movie day on the couch if needs must.

Jesus.

Let's call me Z, I've actively vomited and cleaned up vomit at the same time, I had two separate buckets, and I've also solo parented four children who have all vomited at some point during a 12 hour solo parenting shift.

A job is a job, a child however isn't a job.

Op I think you sound brill
Thoughtful balanced open

Your dh is sick. We all get a bit unreasonable and self absorbed when sick, esp when puking

I feel sympathy for him but he does sound a bit drippy tbh!

I’m baffled by all the posters saying “he needs to consider if he was a single parent”.

Why does he? I’m a single parent of two young ones and utterly buggered when I’m sick. But sure one of the best bits about not being a single parent is that you dont need to consider what it’s like to be a single parent. Because you’re not.

Tricky one. The last time I had a gastro bug I could barely walk across the landing the next day without wanting to collapse. My husband had to take the next two days off work and look after a preschooler and a baby. It wouldn't have been safe to leave me to care for them.

I'm with the "A needs to suck it up" camp. He can't have been that ill that he stayed up to argue with you when you got home.

My OH and I have both been A on different occasions, we're not doctors but work would take a dim view on calling in for non emergency situations. Having friends in the NHS I also appreciate how difficult that would have been for your colleagues esp at a weekend. Work doesn't take priority over your family but equally you can't take the piss with it.

I agree with other posters that you should take some time just for you two - to enjoy and also really thrash this out as otherwise it will only build on both sides. Its actually really good to book a counselling session or two for situations like this when you both feel strongly. The person is there to mediate and help both see the others side (even when you are right 😉)

Your job is not going to change so this is going to come up again - especially when at school and all the germs are flying round!

As an aside - people posting that you should stay home as been exposed to a bug. What exactly do you think doctors and nurses are exposed to all day long?? They'd never go to work! Vomit and other bodily fluids are very much part of the job 🤢

I've been in his shoes. It's awful, but you have to get on with it. This is when having friends who can step in to help is golden - you do it for them, they do for you - but as you both work that sounds unlikely. Is there a childcare arrangement you've used before, or a babysitter, that could help out for a few hours?

Some jobs are just inflexible. That's the deal. Medicine and teaching are incredibly so, and whining and pouting because he married a medic and you therefore have to work insane hours at high pressure is like buying a dog and being shocked at having to pick up their crap. It's just part of the life he signed up for - what does he expect, for you to abandon a career that takes huge determination and endless training, so he can have a SAHW, or what?

For the record, I was diagnosed with breast cancer last week and my husband took a day off to come in for the appointment (we knew it was probable) and the next day off so I could breathe out a bit from the shock, and he's now back at work. That's life. We have two small kids, one of whom is home educated and autistic, but he has responsibilities at work, too, and reality is that I have to just get on with it. And he's in a job where they have flexi built in, he can work from home sometimes, and he has been promised paid compassionate leave when I have surgery etc. which we will take - but we don't take the piss, which what you describe would be! We're sorting additional childcare for the chemo/radio stage right now, because he simply can't take that long off, and get paid. So yes, he is being fucking precious. I'm on a Facebook page with people in my position now, and there's a single parent on there doing chemo with toddler twins. She was inspirational, tbh. Made me see how good I have it.

Have I ever got him to take time off for a bug? Nope. That's what Cbeebies and fish fingers, oven chips and frozen peas are there for.

Sorry, that was pronoun soup - hope it's at least contextually discernible on when "he/his" refers to your husband, and when my own.

Hard before B is a doctor and surely very needed but my dh has taken a half day at work before to care for baby when I was ill. I was so dizzy and constant vomiting I felt unsafe to be watching baby and there was no one else to help me.
It wasn't a false self cert it was the truth he had childcare issues - no one to look after child

I do feel it’s mean that people are jeering at the crying DH. If i’d been up all night vomiting i’d probably cry at the thought of a day of solo childcare.

That doesn’t mean that OP shouldn’t go to work, but it seems very disdainful to be so dismissive of someone for having the temerity to be unwell

The child needed to be looked after. A was not capable, and could for example be acutely unwell in hopsital under a section 2 because of the abuse suffered. Over the years. Who knows. This is why mumsnet sucks. You never get the full story. VVVVVVVV

In an ideal work B would stay home and help A. Realistically - B has to go to work. We have had this argument in our house so many times, on both sides, in the last 6 years xxx

I think B did the right thing.

Refl3ct - are you ok?

If A is otherwise fit and healthy, suck it up buttercup. Especially given your line of work which means missing a shift is potentially unsafe for others. It’s not like ringing in sick to an office is it?

@Refl3ct you do know A just had a sickness bug ?

I would normally feel sorry for anyone who was ill and who had to look after a toddler, but if he was well enough to stay up and have a row with you, he was easily well enough to have a DVD and sofa day with the kid.

Not sure who is mum or dad in this but our DD5 always wants mummy when she is ill. Her dad works lates (2pm-12pm ) every other week (granted he can come home at the end of his shift unlike Dr in your family). But it should be a little give and take but I can understand why it might be harder for the Doc. I would say if Doc earns and will always earn more than that career should maybe come first (scoulding myself as I say that!!) but it is up to you A & B to decide!!! Good luck!!