Walked out of DH'S work dinner

[rosesandflowers1]

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

I think I'll suggest it, see what his reaction is and if he's clearly not interested - - just sweep it under the carpet--

Fixed that for ya.

I full expect him turn up with a bunch of flowers to try and 'win' you over.

He's in bed but who knows, he might have somehow got a bunch from somewhere He didn't get any gifts on his way home last night though - at least, he didn't give them to me - so I think he's not planning on trying to buy his way out of it.

He knew you how you felt about his work colleagues, how they had treated you in the past and HE gave them more information to both upset and humiliate you and HE sat there and did nothing.

When I find out exactly when he told this friend could be very damning. If it was last week, for example, I'll be fuming with him.

It is notable that the bit of your relationship your DH is happy to share with his friends is the bit where he controls you. There seems to be a worrying culture of control among his workmates and their wives.

I think it depends on the couples. I don't know much but I know some of them live very controlled lives. They have freedom in a way - completely free schedules, not many responsibilities etc. but in actuality they don't have much control over anything.

If he still doesn't get it, for example ask him how he would feel if you had discussed with you friends about his erectile dysfunction and then when you were all out and they started to discuss it and laugh about it.

DH does seem to "get it" and hasn't tried to minimise it which is good.
I sincerely hope any "discussion" was quelled the minute DH got back to the table.

In your op you said he is into d/s and you’re happy for him to take more of a dominant role or some such. Are you lying to yourself in this then?

What do you mean?

To clarify DH is into some more hardcore stuff - me, not at all. I don't mind some things and I'm happy for him to be generally more "in control" so to speak (in the bedroom, not outside of it) but there are some things I just won't do.

I also see a pattern of your h apologising for acting like a dick and before the dust has even settled, you move on to the next situation.

My three threads have happened all in a row, haven't they?

To be fair this is just poor timing. DH actually telling him could be a fairly long time ago, or very recent. DH didn't behave poorly last night - he behaved poorly some time in the past and last night he - or rather I - got his comeuppance.

I think I'll suggest it, see what his reaction is and if he's clearly not interested - - just sweep it under the carpet--

There's no way that if it turns into a debate, I'd win. I don't plan on bringing it up just so he's able to shut me down. That won't change anything.

He was being very apologetic last night so hopefully he's genuinely sorry and will be willing to talk about it without becoming defensive.

“Brunch” is a portmanteau of breakfast and lunch. It just isn’t an evening thing.

You are clearly setting yourself up for absolving him of consequence with your insistence that he might not be able to change roles (unless he is the Queen, he could clearly put you before his career if he so wished, and even if he is thereis presidency for abdication!); that this might have been disclosed a long while ago - so that’s ok or less abhorrent then...?

For what it’s worth I’m very senior in an investment bank (the ultimate boys club?) and I have never felt the need to disclose a jot about my sex life, do not require my DH to suffer work events and find the whole ‘work culture’ you describe as ghastly.

These people sound awful OP, what sector does your husband work in?

I can’t even believe this is real, but if so then the warning signs that your dh is a total dickhead are there. Very Upper class upbringing, into dominating women. Talks about intimate details of your sex life like he’s in the fucking common room at Eton. That is no respect right there. Yuck yuck yuck. I’d be running a mile from a man like that.

Your dh is a gross pig and you're a doormat. You're obviously not planning on doing anything about it so what's the point of this thread?

You are saying: you can't 'debate' this with him because he'll win and that if he doesn't think he wants to change anything (ie his job) then he won't and that's that. This doesn't sound like a relationship in which you have any power or choices when it comes down to it. You just 'have' to go along with what he wants, as on previous thread where you ended up going to this do anyway. As such, why would your DH ever change? There are no consequences for him for his hurtful actions. He just apologises, brings flowers and carries on in the same way. Is this how you want your life to be?

Your reveal sbout the sex stuff makes me think in addition to everything else he’s cheating on you or soon will be. I know this type of man well (bet he’s in finance or banking).

You keep framing it as if he’s decent but led astray by his colleagues. Surely now you can see he’s exactly like them? These are actually appropriate friends for him and this is an appropriate environment for him.

I feel quite sorry for you OP. You obviously have no ability to stand up for yourself and no concept that other kinds of men exist.

Brunch” is a portmanteau of breakfast and lunch. It just isn’t an evening thing.

Should be ‘supper’ perhaps?

I agree with dundermiflin. You clearly arent interested in actually tackling the problems in your marriage, and you seem to think that his so-called "posh education" has made him some how better than you in every way. I suspect t he only actual difference is that his has given him confidence that has morphed into arrogance, while you have none. How could you fix this?

Ok I would not be happy with DH sharing intimate details of our relationship, in fact I would be steaming mad. (Fortunately I know he wouldn't do this)

However I know his friendship group are blokey and they talk a lot of BS to big up themselves so I can see how men do end up sharing too much.

Women share intimate details of their sex lives very often too. They wouldn't be blasted for doing so.

I think there are two issues here, first is your DH sharing too much with people he isn't that close with or can trust. He needs to change that and make amends.

And the other thing that was wrong here was the 'friend' blurting it all out and he should be held accountable by your DH.
He should NOT be allowed to get away with that shit.

(I wouldn't end a marriage over this either OP, he made a mistake in who he trusted, he's only human. If he doesn't learn from his mistakes then I'd re-consider the relationship)

Hey @rosesandflowers1 I was on your thread about being manipulated (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3269631-AIBU-because-of-DDs-epilepsy-or-is-DH?msgid=78468982#78468982)

I said I thought your husband didn’t treat you like an equal partner and was mysogynistic. I also said “I wonder how he’d tell his friends how he sorted this row.”

You replied:
He doesn't really tell his friends about arguments I think. Very rarely the relationship at all. He doesn't like to discuss issues within our marriage outside it

Now we see that he does discuss the relationship with his friends/colleagues and he tells them that you have a D/S dynamic and you do as you are told.

I don’t believe his job or his friends are making him like this. He is controlling and manipulative and he sees you as subordinate. His friends expect you to do what he tells you because that’s how he speaks of you to them.

OP - you’re making light of many instances.

In essence; you live with a sexually dominant man (no bad thing in itself), who has manipulated you, prioritises his colleagues & work requirements over you, and continues to do so.

He has also shared intimate details of your sex life with people he knows you detest and who detest you.

No amount of ‘oh dear , 🤪, silly DH, I’m cross but he’s lovely really and I never stand for it’
will detract from the reality that your DH is not someone most of us would like to be married to. You are not as independent as you believe you are. Nobody envies you.

Don’t set your DD up for a life of this as her model.

After more than 40 years in the Middle East I’ve only ever heard of Brunch being held in hotels at the weekend. They generally start around midday and alcohol is usually, though not always, served after Friday prayers are finished in local Mosques.

An evening type buffet is only that - a Buffet. And are often advertised as theme nights so for eg a seafood buffet, an Italian night/buffet.

I’ve never heard of an evening Brunch. It doesn’t even make sense given it’s an abbreviation of Breakfast and Lunch.

I think the OP is writing a daft book and shouldn’t give up her day job just yet.

As previous posters have pointed out you seem to get your kicks posting all the demeaning things he does here to shock people and then 'oh, I'm not leaving him.
If you don't have a problem being treated like this, indeed you seem to feel there is some strength in it. Then by all means rock on.

Well brunch is what you eat between 11 and 2, its not a style of food or cuisine, which is why we're a bit confused by you having an evening brunch. And even if its meant to describe the food style, like who wants poached egg for their tea?

Interesting how straight after my post you started using arse instead of ass

You are saying: you can't 'debate' this with him because he'll win

This isn't because he's cleverer or better than me or whatever - it's because I genuinely don't know enough about his job, or any formal workplace, to really be on even footing.

Women share intimate details of their sex lives very often too. They wouldn't be blasted for doing so.

I have told a couple of my (very close) friends about this. But not as graphic and they'd never disclose it over brunch! They also respect DH to some degree.

But anyway, we've talked. DH came down, hugged me, asked if I was mad at him What a bloody stupid question!

Anyway, I said "yes, of course" and we talked a bit.

1. He told his friend this three months or so ago because they went out to have lunch and DH wanted to stop in Ann Summers

2. His friend is genuinely a very nice guy but he's also a bit of a loudmouth and can't handle drink very well.

3. By the time DH came back his friends wife had shut him up and she apologised to DH and asked if I was okay. DH said she was absolutely mortified and apologised to him again at the end and said she'd ring me up tomorrow.

I asked DH why on Earth he was buying me unnecessary lingerie with a friend in tow! Especially one who apparently is an awful and fairly frequent drunk who can't keep his mouth shut

DH said he'd been very irresponsible to confide in said friend and apologised again. I mentioned possibly moving jobs.

DH was shocked but said that we could talk about it at some point in the future Sounds like classic evasion to me but he did have to go pick up the DC. So he went but not before I said at some point today would we be discussing it.

That will likely reap some discussion as to behaviour he needs to change

Well that's progress I guess, up until now you've said we take responsibility for changing his behaviour, when it's entirely his job to change his behaviour.

There's no way that if it turns into a debate, I'd win.

Then open with "this isn't up for debate. Use no JADE throughout the discussion: don't Justify, Argue, Defend or explain. If when you try to express yourself and your feelings he sees an opportunity to debate then he's not seeing you as an equal, he sees you as someone he needs to whip into shape. Check this out before you chat outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

I don't plan on bringing it up just so he's able to shut me down

You're censoring yourself. He doesn't need to make you back down, he's behaved like this enough times you control yourself on his behalf. He's not going to change that, it benefits him immensely. This is an unhealthy relationship. Check out the Deluth Model's power and control wheel, and Google "cycle of abuse", I think they'll ring bells with you. Then look at deluth models equality wheel, that's what a healthy relationship looks like.
www.theduluthmodel.org/wheel-gallery/

The DH is an Old Etonian from an upper class background who didn’t board and who, despite a high powered well paid job, sends his children to state school.

What’s unbelievable about that?

What’s unbelievable about that?

Not a single blessed thing

@HoldMeCloserTonyDanza
And he also says "sweetheart are you mad at me?" And shops at Ann Summers on his lunch break.