Walked out of DH'S work dinner

[rosesandflowers1]

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

Haven't RTFT but what struck me about the conversation at the table (apart from the dinner/brunch thing ) was that the only thing he got a bit annoyed at was the implication his Stepford wife might be overweight - something which reflected on his choice of wife. He stayed while a drunk discussed your sex life.

But quite honestly I can't imagine a social gathering where husbands would talk about putting their wives on diets, and not have every other woman at the table laughing and pointing.

Is the colleague who blurted it out your DH's close friend? If so it doesn't seem so unreasonable they would discuss BDSM, if they are both into it and confided in each other. But it's awful the colleague got drunk and betrayed his trust!

Why didn't your DH do something to stop him? He should have taken him away from the group as soon as he started spilling secrets.

Well I'm a great believer in sucking up a dreadful work do and just bearing it gracefully for the sake of a spouse but having my sex life drunkenly discussed hell no I'd have been out of there like a greyhound after a rabbit and would have been waiting at home behind the door with a le creuset saucepan and to hell with the consequences.

Your husband was completely out of order sharing details of yourself life. That would be enough to out me off STD with him for a LONG time.

He definitely should have said something to colleague who shared the info

And he definitely should have left with you ( How can a brunch with partners be important? Especially when they are talking about sex!)

*DTD doing the deed not STD typo

When we lived in the Middle East brunches in the evening were a big thing. The hotels put on big buffets (self service) and they tended to be very popular because they were usually came with unlimited alcohol (wine, champagne or beer) which was normally the most expensive part of the meal.

No comment on the rest of the thread but I’ve been to a few evening brunches - although without discussing my sex life or being told by my husband what I can or can’t eat.

Do people actually act like this? The whole thing is disgusting! Men telling their wives what to eat makes me want to throw up and people say we don’t need feminism any more.

Also your DH acted abhorrently sharing details of your sex life. Severe grovelling from him and possibly therapy if you want to give him a chance.

@Walkingdeadfangirl

Nope! It really is NOT standard what happened at this office do.

Chatting about sex in general ok. But not specifics of your own sex life

Sorry I haven't been on the thread. I ended up binging chocolate and watching Love Island while bawling my eyes out... pretty pathetic in all honesty, but I was feeling a lot and figured it might be best to stay off Mumsnet.

Wasn't wrong! I was feeling a lot of emotions at the gala; "turned on" wasn't one of them I don't think DH planned this in some kind of public humiliation thing. Hardly gives off the vibe of "planned", does it?

I'm not really into D/s and as such we don't do anything hardcore. As for the poster asking why I'm willing to post it, a) it's anonymous and b) it's not graphic details like it was at the work do.

DH came home last night very apologetic and sweet. He apologised for making me cry and spending the evening alone first and then admitted it was hugely irresponsible to tell his friends and apologised for that too. I wasn't feeling very forgiving at that point so said thanks for the apology but I'm going upstairs to bed and we'd talk in the morning.

He's still in bed.

I work in a blokey culture and what your hubby did is well outside common norms. They all sound quite vile tbh. I’d never disparage my partner or a partner of one of my mates. I’m not sure what culture and/or schools would do this?

Like one of the pp, I wonder what you actually want/expect from your partner? It doesn’t appear that he’s likely to change and you don’t actually appear to be expecting (demanding?) the respect you deserve. I’m not a ltb kinda person, so how do you expect the relationship to progress? Just put up with this sort of thing Indefinitely?

Is the colleague who blurted it out your DH's close friend? If so it doesn't seem so unreasonable they would discuss BDSM, if they are both into it and confided in each other. But it's awful the colleague got drunk and betrayed his trust!

I think they are fairly close. I don't know him too well and honestly he's not usually so much of an arse at these things.

DH should have known which friends are blabbermouths though if he was going to share such graphic details, which I'd really rather he didn't.

OP if you are not into the D/S dynamic it’s worse as he has made it so throughout your relationship - I wonder what gift you will get this time to try and appease you

It’s a cycle of him doing what he wants realising he has pushed it too far apologising buying gifts and then going back to the way it was

I think you may have to face up to the person you met was the real him and he hid it for a bit and now it’s all coming out

No comment on the rest of the thread but I’ve been to a few evening brunches

Interesting that this was in the Middle East! Last thread posters thought I was American. Maybe it's more of a UK ideal that you can't have brunches at dinner time.

how do you expect the relationship to progress? Just put up with this sort of thing Indefinitely?

I'm not planning to put up with this. At all.

First I want to know why he told this friend all this information When, too, and also if he's told anyone else. That will likely reap some discussion as to behaviour he needs to change Still can't believe he did it!

Secondly the topic of these work brunches and his work culture as well. Lots of posters have suggested a new job on both threads and I think I might have to try and do this with DH. Unfortunately though I don't know much at all so I'm going to have to do my research. If that isn't possible for whatever reason we have to talk about how DH is conducting himself in his workplace, his friendship circle and these dinners/brunches whatever.

Threads like this make me glad none of my family work in places where they have such events. 'Work dos' with wives/husbands probably ought to be consigned to the past anyway, as it assumes that everyone is not single, and probably even today singles out those in same-sex relationships.

I’ve worked in all male environments and have also worked with some right twats. I’ve only had one colleague who shared details about his sex life generally (but he had autism and really didn’t grasp many social norms). Tbh I can imagine him coming out with something like this at the dinner table. He’s heavily into the bdsm life style though so think this is part of it. Generally if any of the blokes spoke like this to their wives it would result in a glass of wine over their heads with the possible exception of some of the partners wives who put up with affair after affair, husbands spending money on the girl in marketing/ new trainee etc. Until their kids leave school then take them to the cleaners. But sounds like your DH needs to choose between new job and new wife!

the only thing he got a bit annoyed at was the implication his Stepford wife might be overweight

I did pick up on this as well

At the time I thought it was just his way of shutting her up, and it worked so I wasn't complaining. When I was typing it my brain sort of comprehended!

I'm not overweight so I don't think she was really angling at that I think it was more of a dig at a control thing. I'd never allow DH to put me on a diet which is probably what she was getting at.

Are you UK op?

are you in the uk op?

probably even today singles out those in same-sex relationships.

No, not at all! It's a "spouse" event, but there are only three women who work with DH who really sit with us at these events. One of them is on maternity leave so wasn't there this evening. The two husbands sit on their own and don't talk to us. Someone suggested just chatting to them this evening last thread but they were on the other end of the table.

I posted the link to my other thread on the first page if that doesn't make much sense - it probably explains it better.

You're supposed to be posh english but use phrases like "being an ass"?

Do you think upper class English people only swear like in that Bad Education Movie?

To clarify DH was brought up in a very upper class family, mine was middle at best. I'm not really "posh".

And yes, I'm in the UK.

It is notable that the bit of your relationship your DH is happy to share with his friends is the bit where he controls you. There seems to be a worrying culture of control among his workmates and their wives. I'd be worried that he fits in, and gets on well with these people.

I’ve only had one colleague who shared details about his sex life generally (but he had autism and really didn’t grasp many social norms). Tbh I can imagine him coming out with something like this at the dinner table.

Hmm. I don't think his colleague is autistic but could explain a little - more as to why he was talking than to why DH told him this information in the first place though.

Generally if any of the blokes spoke like this to their wives it would result in a glass of wine over their heads with the possible exception of some of the partners wives who put up with affair after affair, husbands spending money on the girl in marketing/ new trainee etc.

I can see some of the men having affairs and their wives not saying much about it.

Glasses over heads sounds wonderful but I just said "if you'll excuse me" and walked out. Not very good at drama

But sounds like your DH needs to choose between new job and new wife!

I'm not sure whether to bring this up with DH when he comes down. Honestly I don't know anything about his sector and very little about applying for new jobs etc. in general. If he ends up saying he thinks he should stay he can give me a load of business reasons that I won't be able to respond to.

Hopefully we can have a discussion rather than a debate about it. I think I'll suggest it, see what his reaction is and if he's clearly not interested in moving I'm going to have to wait and do some research.

Just because he has said sorry it doesn't mean you need to accept it, you are allowed to be angry with him for speaking about something so personal. I full expect him turn up with a bunch of flowers to try and 'win' you over.

I would make crystal clear to him that at the moment that you are not prepared to carry on as normal.

If it was me, I would explain to him that under no circumstances will I be going to any event or holding any dinner parties either at my home, restaurants or other homes which are related to his workplace.

He knew you how you felt about his work colleagues, how they had treated you in the past and HE gave them more information to both upset and humiliate you and HE sat there and did nothing.

If he still doesn't get it, for example ask him how he would feel if you had discussed with you friends about his erectile dysfunction and then when you were all out and they started to discuss it and laugh about it. As that would be no different to what happened last night.

In your op you said he is into d/s and you’re happy for him to take more of a dominant role or some such. Are you lying to yourself in this then? I also opened the thread thinking it was you. I also see a pattern of your h apologising for acting like a dick and before the dust has even settled, you move on to the next situation.