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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of DH'S work dinner

521 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 16/06/2018 20:47

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was Shock but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" Biscuit I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet Hmm But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that Sad I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

OP posts:
metrorider · 17/06/2018 00:14

@walkingdeadfangirl: Fruitcorner123, so its ok to have thousands of people anonymously talking about your sex life, but not ok to have confined in an actual real life person at work?

Yes. The anonymity is what makes it OK! We don't know who the OP or her H are, if we met them at a party we wouldn't know they were the subjects of this thread. This anonymity gives them privacy. Talking about it at work removes that privacy. It's the removal of privacy that is not OK.

metrorider · 17/06/2018 00:17

@walkingdeadfangirl, I work in a male-dominated industry doing "important stuff" and the men don't discuss what they do in bed at work. There will be other workplaces where you can do your job. You don't have to put up with inappropriate sexual comments.

Don't read things into my comments that aren't there.

Rollonweekend · 17/06/2018 00:19

Everyone at that event that you mentioned sounds awful but your DH is the worst. you were right to walk out - how the hell does he think it's appropriate to discuss your sex life at work ....? What's wrong with him?!!

TatianaLarina · 17/06/2018 00:21

I'm convinced (and was on the previous post about her daughter) that OP is actually just trying out some new Fifty Shades of Grey fanfic on MN

I hear ya. There’s something not right about this. I’ve read the other threads. The idiom for an OE is completely wrong - ‘princess’, ‘sweetheart’ - what? An OE would never say ‘dinner’ for supper as on another thread.

When asked on another thread if he went to boarding school, OP replied ‘not boarding but he went private’. Eton is a boarding school.
Nor is it ever really referred to as a ‘private’ school, it’s a public school. (In the British not the US sense).

None of the narrative rings true to me, OP seems to have a bizarre stereotyped idea of what she calls ‘upper class’ life, but these details in particular struck false.

Many posters are investing time and energy in this, I know the rules on troll-hunting so I’m just going to leave it there.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 17/06/2018 00:29

metrorider, I am not saying men discuss their sex life with me, but my DP assures me that men do discuss their sex lives amongst each other.

I never accept inappropriate sexual comments at work but at drunken work do's its pretty normal to stretch the boundaries, its not personal its just rare drunken gossip.

JuicySwan · 17/06/2018 00:31

I think he’s taking you for an utter mug.

metrorider · 17/06/2018 00:35

@walkingdeadfangirl: my DP assures me that men do discuss their sex lives amongst each other.

I think I just hit peak man. Girlfriends only for me from now on.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 17/06/2018 00:37

metrorider, have tried that, it wasn't any better in the long run lol

caringcarer · 17/06/2018 00:43

Your dh sounds like an absolute shit. I simply would not put up with this disrespect. He would certainly not be having sex with me for some time. I would have to consider if I could trust him again and leaving that work place would be something I would be discussing with him. If he was not prepared to look for other work I do not honestly know if I would want to be with him.

CheeseWithCheeseOnTheSide · 17/06/2018 00:47

This reply has been deleted

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FloraFox · 17/06/2018 00:47

Why am I not surprised your DH is into d/s? You sound completely surrendered OP.

It seems you don't enjoy seeming to be submissive when you're with the first wives but you come across as if you enjoy sharing how submissive you are on here.

TornFromTheInside · 17/06/2018 00:48

None of my friends discuss their sex lives with me, and vice versa.
Have I ever heard the odd dipstick do it? Yes. Does anybody think highly of them? Never.
Sex as a subject might crop up, but not the details of who does what.

metrorider · 17/06/2018 00:51

@walkingdeadfangirl I would hope that I could trust a girlfriend not to spill the details of our sex life all over the office!

mathanxiety · 17/06/2018 00:57

YY to BrownTurkey.

The entire conversation today and all the others you have experienced are related to your H's complete disregard for your (and his) privacy.

Are you going to confront him about discussing your sex life with his moronic colleagues?
Do you anticipate some sort of blow up if you do?

I posted a comment on your last thread to the effect that only one person is allowed to express their feelings in your relationship - him.

TornFromTheInside · 17/06/2018 00:59

I've heard women discuss it too, and they get the same reaction as men... We don't need to know or care about the details of your sexual proclivities.

The few men and women who do this tend to have a dramatic streak in them. A tale for every occasion.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 17/06/2018 01:21

Completely agree w/ Tatiana above that non of the “posh” stuff adds up whatsoever.

DH and I are posh as fuck and if I told him I didn’t want to attend some ridiculous brunch-at-night (as if such a thing exists) because I thought his workmates were all tedious and rude, he would not bat an eyelid. The notion that I’d be expected to put myself out for work colleagues, regardless of what school they went to, or their former model wives (again, Hmm) is just laughable.

If this was some godawful childhood friend, yeah, maybe, but workmates?!

Hahahahahaha. Yeah, no.

But MN is much more tolerant of abusive men if they are supposedly rich and successful.

Whoever it was who pinged this as a weird sex thing was absolutely right IMO.

Butterymuffin · 17/06/2018 01:40

Agree that you seem to be getting something else out of these threads than what you're telling us on the surface.

WellThisIsShit · 17/06/2018 07:05

Oh dear. Why the oddly placed gurning OP?

Tartsamazeballs · 17/06/2018 07:15

How can you have a D/s relationship with a man who doesn't respect or care for you emotionally. Trust is important when you give up control and he's broken that. Either he's doing things you're not comfortable with (extending the D/s past the bedroom) or he's lost respect for you. The former is emotionally damaging the second is potentially dangerous.

Are you friends with anyone else in the lifestyle that you can talk to?

If you're determined that you want to stay with him I think you should seek a D/s friendly counsellor to guide you both through this. If he refuses then I think you should reconsider the relationship in its current form.

StealthPolarBear · 17/06/2018 07:20

I don't find a work dinner where all the important workers are men and all the wives are little trophy wives realistic either.
Actually maybe I do. Depressing.

goodbyeeee · 17/06/2018 07:32

This thread will go exactly like the previous one. OP will find ways minimise the behaviour and come up with every excuse in the book for her spineless git of a DH who gives not one shiny shit how she feels and would rather she was belittled and humiliated in order to further his own career prospects. Fucked up.

Succulentest · 17/06/2018 07:39

Yes, former public schoolboys working in high-powered environments always have night-time work brunches which are apparently self-service (the other wife sent off to get herself a ‘less fatty’ dish) and at which everyone publicly discusses the wives’ weight and diets, and the BDSM sexlife of one couple, and the men are very boastful and competitive about consumer objects, while the women are confined to complimenting one another’s hair, possibly because they didn’t go to public school. Hmm

Slartybartfast · 17/06/2018 07:45

AGree with Cheese
all these high fliers married to nincompoops who Stay at Home? Really. I doubt that very much.
If we have been transported back in time,

Its a bit of old fashioned banter for an old fashioned era.

DoinItForTheKids · 17/06/2018 07:47

I must say it does seem to sound more and more like a construct based on a construct of what OP thinks represents posh, well to do life.

I guess to me what kind of didn't sound likely was that she would actually walk out, actually.

But I'm fully happy to hear more from OP because if this were a genuine situation then OP would benefit (if she'll listen) to hearing all the great advice and concerns and figuring out if she should be taking some kind of action.

MagicalMysteryTourer · 17/06/2018 07:50

Brunch? At night? Give over. You're supposed to be posh english but use phrases like "being an ass"?

Mmm. Alright