Walked out of DH'S work dinner

[rosesandflowers1]

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

So 'I got her the Anise Wet Look Crotchless Body in red, you know? Looked like they sized small, so I went up to a 36 C, and it was perfect on her. And of course I accessorised with the Wet Look Nipple Pasties -- apparently they're best sellers.'

Gave me a giggle, but no

Have you never heard men discuss lingerie or their wives or their sex life before? It's gross, but it doesn't sound like that

He is responsible for changing his controlling behaviour... But he'll only do it if he sees it as a problem or thinks changing it will benefit him.
Well hopefully after this debacle he sees it as a problem. There's no hope at all if he doesn't!

But he already agreed it was an issue before it came to light.

Have you had make up sex yet? Because I suspect this is where all this is leading, he intentionally upsets you, you're angry, he placate you then you fuck him to stroke and reassure his ego.

Like I said sex is not currently on the table. And to clarify, it didn't happen after the fight about his behaviour with DD either. He tried, I said no.

Men like him (and to a lesser degree, women, but it's almost always men) are the reason D/s gets such a bad rap and so many people can't differentiate it from abuse. He clearly can't.

He's into it but I'm not so our sex life isn't really D/s. I'm not into the very hardcore stuff and not hugely into the general dynamic either.

The rep it gets is undeserved though, especially for more seriously D/s couples.

Succulentest

😂😂😂😂

OP, did he admit that these brunches are indeed as horrific as you told him they were? I don't mean the sex stuff, but the comments about losing weight and doing as your husband tells you etc?

We didn't really discuss the brunches as a whole but if he can't see after that I don't know what will make him understand.

I will perhaps clarify this with him later though. Just to ensure.

Doesn't the fact that you have to look with him tell you anything???

I haven't had to yet. If it does come to that it will tell me he's being sulky and selfish and a bit of a twat (or he's just struggling to find any open positions, but that's less probable.)

The rep it gets is undeserved though, especially for more seriously D/s couples.

Well you can blame men people like your husband, who don't get the 'CONSENSUAL' part of it, nor understand power exchange, nor appreciate the importance of the sub being cared for.

I hope to God you're not doing anything else you're not happy with for whatever made up bullshit reason.

Are you under the impression that there are no private schools higher than "bogstandard" other than Eton?

I went to one, as it goes, one of the top 10 in the country. Doesn't make me 'upper class' though. What's the relevance you asked, well it's more bollocks. Alongside the S&M workplace that doesn't exist, and 40ish man trying to impress his mates at work.

I just wondered, if the sex stuff hadn't come up, if he would have come away thinking "wow, roses is right, they're awful", or if he would have thought you were overreacting and it had all been fine?

I think it would be quite revealing, because I suspect he'll have thought it was all ok, and the comments about weight and women doing what their husbands say was 'no big deal'...

If you're not really into it and so don't do it, what was the graphic detail he disclosed? Or was he exaggerating to impress his friend?

I wonder if DD's prom has taken place. And whether they played any old Busted tracks.

I'm off.

All the best, OP.

You talked in within 16 minutes of your last post and then got on to to computer to post all about it.

Righhhtttt..... what could possibly be strange about that?!!!

Sorry that sounds like I want the graphic details... I really don't

I hope to God you're not doing anything else you're not happy with for whatever made up bullshit reason.

I don't do anything sexual, or have sex in itself, if I don't want to.

If you're not really into it and so don't do it, what was the graphic detail he disclosed? Or was he exaggerating to impress his friend?
I'm not into the hardcore stuff. The less masochistic sides can still make for some pretty graphic detail.

I just wondered, if the sex stuff hadn't come up, if he would have come away thinking "wow, roses is right, they're awful", or if he would have thought you were overreacting and it had all been fine?

I think it would be quite revealing, because I suspect he'll have thought it was all ok, and the comments about weight and women doing what their husbands say was 'no big deal'...

Would have been interesting I daresay. He was quite minimising when it came to my initial complaints.

But then, it was much more one group rather than two separate groups then so he saw it much more clearly than previous times.

Doesn't make me 'upper class' though. What's the relevance you asked, well it's more bollocks. Alongside the S&M workplace that doesn't exist, and 40ish man trying to impress his mates at work.

People don't stop trying to impress/please other people just because they're adults. You'd think, but no.

Sorry that sounds like I want the graphic details... I really don't

I didn't read it like that

You talked in within 16 minutes of your last post and then got on to to computer to post all about it.

Wasn't it 18 minutes?

If you want I can post a transcript so you can read it out and time yourself As you're all clearly so committed to your unrequested detective work.

DD has finished exams

Last week she wasn’t finishing til the end of June.

Looking forward to the deletion message here. I hope MNHQ have a decent brunch joke for us.

Like I said sex is not currently on the table. And to clarify, it didn't happen after the fight about his behaviour with DD either. He tried, I said no

When power and control are at the heart of a relationship, and the controlling partner doesn't get what they want, sees the partner pull away or loses control in situations (ie says no when they'd expect them to say yes) then they escalate or try new tactics. Maybe your DH is stressed by the events of the last year, or maybe he sees you asserting yourself and is upping the ante to regain control. Much earlier I posted power wheels and cycle of abuse info. Did you look at them? Do they ring any bells? You're spending a lot of time defending him, that happens in abusive relationships, its like the abusers words come out of the abused mouth... I think your balls deep in an abusive marriage but you're not ready to see it.

Last week she wasn’t finishing til the end of June.

She'll be finished by the end of June, I said

She has her "last day" on the 23rd and like I said exams are already over for her.

Are you seriously scrolling through all my threads in three different tabs to try and find what you perceive as inaccuracies? Do you really have this much time?

MN really is another world. Man graphically talks about his sex life to his mate. Maybe not PC but not the end of the world. 3 months later at a drunken brunch evening works meal his mate blurts out some of the sexy details, which is obviously upsetting to op.

Next day everyone apologises but your expecting him to quit his job!

I think that is a horrible overreaction. Most obvious solution is to stop going to any works meals with him.

Maybe your DH is stressed by the events of the last year, or maybe he sees you asserting yourself and is upping the ante to regain control.

This was behaviour from three months ago though. It wasn't like DH told his colleagues details of our sex life over the brunch as a way of getting back at me for saying no to sex. He told his colleague, then some months later that had its consequences.

You're spending a lot of time defending him, that happens in abusive relationships, its like the abusers words come out of the abused mouth... I think your balls deep in an abusive marriage but you're not ready to see it.

Yes, I'm spending a lot of time saying I'm not going to divorce him and more trying to combat perceived flaws in my very existence But you do get gems of good advice in there.

I am spending a lot of time defending him, but I think that's because, like I said, Mumsnet only hears about it when he's being a dick.

Next day everyone apologises but your expecting him to quit his job!

I think that is a horrible overreaction. Most obvious solution is to stop going to any works meals with him.

Oh dear!

Everyone was saying he was an abuser and I should leave him! I thought I was being moderate!

I think if this happened as a sudden thing at the generally very nice brunches I'd be pissed but let it go. I think as part of the wider work culture (especially as he admitted he told these details to impress) something more drastic has to be done.

Interesting point cheese about OP becoming more assertive.

Do you think roses that the situation with DD has made you more assertive, taking on more control?

Do you think roses that the situation with DD has made you more assertive, taking on more control?

Hmm.

At the very beginning definitely not. I was an emotional guilty mess and like I said in my original post DH, especially for that worst week, went into overdrive sorting everything out.

Later on yes. DD needed lots of medication, had lots of appointments, there were lots of new rules. So in a way I took in a lot more responsibility and had more control - but over DD, not DH.

He sounds weak, ltb

I wasn't suggesting spilling the details of your sex life was an elaborate long con, I was speaking generally.

If he doesn't intend to find a new job, just make it absolutely clear that last night was the last ever interaction you will be having with his workmates.

Long-term you do need to work on the control issues. I've worked with a very controlling person for the past couple of years and I've never experienced anything so unpleasant in the workplace in all my working life. At one point this person was my manager - fortunately no longer. This person has actually imploded (they lost the control they had in the workplace and had a breakdown). They are now receiving counselling. I am pleased as I used to dread to think how this person's controlling behaviour impacted on their family life.

From what the others said, it sounds rather as if it had come up in conversation before. Can you not physically gag him??!! Or bury him under the patio?

I wasn't suggesting spilling the details of your sex life was an elaborate long con, I was speaking generally.

Oh, in which case then yes, I suppose DD's illness has meant I have more control over her life as she now has a lot of restrictions.

Perhaps what with the epilepsy and me suddenly taking on a more dominant role contributed to these issues he's having?

If he doesn't intend to find a new job, just make it absolutely clear that last night was the last ever interaction you will be having with his workmates.

Oh yes, definitely. I received a nice text message from the colleagues wife which makes me a bit sad. First time she's been particularly decent to me since I've known her - and now I doubt I'll see her again.

From what the others said, it sounds rather as if it had come up in conversation before. Can you not physically gag him??!! Or bury him under the patio?
Others as in other commenters? Or others elsewhere?