Walked out of DH'S work dinner

[rosesandflowers1]

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

He admitted he was trying to impress his friend who's trying to get his wife into this kind of thing by the fact that I do this kind of thing with him

That's probably the tip of the iceberg of the kind of discussions they have. Absolutely grim.

Very much the same talk as you had last time then, just this time you haven't settled for a cup of tea.

He is not listening.

you have young children.. you’ve spent all morning and early afternoon dragging out this thread.

Most people with a DH and young children in real life are doing things with their families, yet you aren’t..

I don't really have "young" children

If it interests you so much a Father's Day dinner is scheduled, because we figured everybody would be tired from late nights last night.

Your partner is a laughable pathetic kinkster who likes to abuse you in bed to big himself up - and now look! It bled over into everyday life outside the bedroom. How very surprising.

Where was it suggested that I was abused in bed?

"Kinkster" is fairly accurate. The rest not.

Don’t understand OP now saying that they don’t brag about things?

I was saying that a) this wasn't like DH planned a shopping trip to get something for me, and chose Ann Summers over other shops. It was that he walked by Ann Summers and went in.

And I guess what I was trying to say is when they do brag, expense isn't really the focus of it because honestly it doesn't mean that much to them. If he's bragging about lingerie he bought he's going to describe it and say how nice it is on me etc. rather than saying how much it cost and which shop it was from to show how high profile it is.

Ah, we've reached the "improbably speedy real-time updates" phase.

If it interests you so much a Father's Day dinner is scheduled, because we figured everybody would be tired from late nights last night.

Dinner? Or brunch? 😂😂

Hi OP, I'm the pp on your ither thread who suggested you made sure you had your own transport in case you needed to make a quick getaway.
Just as well, eh?

My lifesaver I'm not sure what I'd have done if I hadn't brought my own car. Maybe made DH take the bus.

He needs to be the Alpha male at home doesn't he? That's because he's a Beta male at work.

This is insightful but also perhaps very true. It is weird that DH cares so much about impressing his friends. Going into a shop just to brag about our sex life - FFS.

It's perhaps another reason to find somewhere else for him to work but one that will probably have him go up in smoke in rage too

The other thing is that your dd's illness is bothering him far more than he realises either.

I think his behaviour definitely is triggered quite a bit by the events of last year. A lot of the time people paint this as an "excuse" but it's honestly so hard to see your child like that and different people respond in different ways. His way is just a pain in the arse.

I'm not sure if this will get better as she does. But it's understandable, not excusable. As you said he needs to pack it in and get his act together!

You do realise that nope, he will NOT find another workplace, don't you? And oh, he's pissed with YOU now, is he?

I plan on ensuring that he looks.

Dinner? Or brunch?

Because a lot of his friends went to private school, many of them Eton, and it's a well known private school? hmm It also best suits the point I was making because it's stereotyped as producing posh twats like he often hung out with

So I was right, it was just namedropping. Your DH apparently went to a bogstandard private day school like many others and is ordinary middle class. If he exists at all, which at this point seems highly unlikely.

Ah, we've reached the "improbably speedy real-time updates" phase.

I don't know why you're so interested - or so convinced - in trying to highlight me as some kind of fraud

But if it helps, it really doesn't take too long to have a short argument and then type a couple hundred words about it on a laptop.

Ah, we've reached the "improbably speedy real-time updates" phase

Next stop, he comes on himself to defend his wife, in exactly the same posting style as the OP.

I dont understand the posters saying OP is getting off on this? In what sense? Is it a kink thing?

OP how do you feel? Not what do you think - how are you FEELING?

could see it was impacting me, but he was very comfortable in his current work place and colleagues.

He won't look for another job. Even if he tells you he will. Your unhappiness is not as important to him as keeping up appearances. Just look at how he's reacting now if you want to disagree.

Your DH apparently went to a bogstandard private day school like many others and is ordinary middle class. If he exists at all, which at this point seems highly unlikely.

Are you under the impression that there are no private schools higher than "bogstandard" other than Eton?

But more importantly, does it really have much to do with the thread? He was privately educated; isn't exactly relevant to this scenario. Private school doesn't mean you'd think sharing your sex life with your colleagues is acceptable.

I plan on ensuring that he looks

You aren't able to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Have you not worked this out yet?

The only option is to change your own behaviour and boundaries in relation to him.

While we're talking about improbable timings, a reminder that this brunch was sufficiently "fancy" to warrant invitations in the post... but only a week beforehand.

And OP said, 8 days ago I'm pretty sure that's a busy week for her (her prom + an appointment with her consultant.)

Again, a weird way to talk about next Saturday. I guess OP got too impatient to wait another few weeks.

I can ask for advice in between "let him do what he wants" and "divorce him".

Well I would suggest, at the very least, no longer giving him your submission in any sense until he's proven that he can be trusted with it. This is a serious breach. The fact that he doesn't realise this, and isn't consumed with shame over it, makes him unfit to be called a Dom.

dont understand the posters saying OP is getting off on this? In what sense? Is it a kink thing?

The only kink I can think of that has any relevance to this is a humiliation one. And in all honesty this thread is not done in a way that would pander to a humiliation kink.

I think people enjoy feeling like rudimentary detectives online.
OP how do you feel? Not what do you think - how are you FEELING?

Still a bit mortified about the events of last night. Pissed at DH. A little betrayed as well. Stressed/tired. What you'd guess really.

I think the cycle all eventually wittles down to his controlling behaviours. In which case tackling that will be what we have to do

Tackling that will be what HE has to do. Why can't you see you are not responsible for changing him. He is responsible for changing his controlling behaviour... But he'll only do it if he sees it as a problem or thinks changing it will benefit him.

Have you had make up sex yet? Because I suspect this is where all this is leading, he intentionally upsets you, you're angry, he placate you then you fuck him to stroke and reassure his ego.

Men like him (and to a lesser degree, women, but it's almost always men) are the reason D/s gets such a bad rap and so many people can't differentiate it from abuse. He clearly can't.

If he's bragging about lingerie he bought he's going to describe it and say how nice it is on me etc

So 'I got her the Anise Wet Look Crotchless Body in red, you know? Looked like they sized small, so I went up to a 36 C, and it was perfect on her. And of course I accessorised with the Wet Look Nipple Pasties -- apparently they're best sellers.'

He will pretend to look for a new job. Nothing will change. There are no consequences for his behaviour. Wake up and see this "man" for what he is.

Well I would suggest, at the very least, no longer giving him your submission in any sense until he's proven that he can be trusted with it. This is a serious breach. The fact that he doesn't realise this, and isn't consumed with shame over it, makes him unfit to be called a Dom.

In all honesty I think I might be worried about sex in general. And accepting anything he buys elsewhere.

And OP said, 8 days ago I'm pretty sure that's a busy week for her (her prom + an appointment with her consultant.)

Again, a weird way to talk about next Saturday. I guess OP got too impatient to wait another few weeks.

I don't understand why that was weird. On my thread someone suggesting I said I'd rather support DD through her exam period instead of going to the brunch.

DD has finished exams but she still has some stuff going on, so I mentioned that because I was considering doing so. What's weird?

You aren't able to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Have you not worked this out yet?

If I ask him and he hasn't found anything I'll look with him.

OP, did he admit that these brunches are indeed as horrific as you told him they were? I don't mean the sex stuff, but the comments about losing weight and doing as your husband tells you etc?

Doesn't the fact that you have to look with him tell you anything???

He was out of order. Not sure what I would have done in that situation; but your reaction seems entirely reasonable.