Walked out of DH'S work dinner

[rosesandflowers1]

I went to DH's work party. Was absolutely dreading it anyway but this just tops the cake. It's all on my other thread but the summary is that DH's work friends are mostly arses, and their wives don't like me. I wasn't happy to go but did on the conditions that DH would sit next to me, encourage a whole table discussion and I'd drive up alone so could leave when I wanted.

The most confrontational woman (let's call her Vera or something) and her DH were a bit late so it gave me some time to start making some small talk with some more indifferent wives/mums. We were chatting quite well before she arrived; once she did, the conversation shifted more to her, as it usually does, but she was more interested in compliments on each other's dresses etc. at the beginning. I said I liked the way she'd done her hair, she smiled at that, I thought it wouldn't be so bad, and as it went on for half an hour or so I could see DH was making an effort.

Anyway, the food got passed out and one of the women went to get something and her DH told her to get something else as that was too fatty. She looked vv embarrassed (as I would have been) but went for another option. I was but didn't say anything.

One of the women said "oh, I'm not having any either, I'm on a diet" and that divulged a new line of discussion. One man joked he was going to put his wife on a diet, at which point Vera asked, sugar-sweet, "so are you [DH] going to put [rosesandflowers] on a diet?" I daresay us getting along was too good to be true!

DH I'm sure was a bit shocked but just replied "implying what?" which made her squirm a little. At which point another woman followed up with "oh, he couldn't make her do anything." Not quite sure if she was shit stirring or just making a very valid comment that it would not be my DH's decision to put me on a diet But she's not super important to this really.

DH just smiled and said, "well, of course not" and tried to divert the conversation, but one of his friends who'd already had a bit too much to drink barely a quarter through the evening was determined to follow this up and asked me, "does he not tell you what to do then?"

I said, "no, not really" very blandly and then tried to move on, but he then remarked that that was surprising because of our bedroom activity and followed up with some very graphic details! Essentially DH is very into D/s and I'm happy to let him take on a more dominant role. I'm not happy for him to discuss this in detail - at his workplace! - with the sort of guy who'd blurt this out over dinner! Especially as he knows my views on them and that they're generally very disrespectful to me.

At the point at which the obviously drunk man clearly had no intention of stopping, I excused myself and walked out to go home. DH followed and I told him to stay at the brunch. Was fuming with him at the time and it is pretty important so.

He's still there and likely won't be home for quite some time. Am absolutely mortified and fuming, but honestly I'm feeling quite betrayed as well. I can't believe he'd divulge details like that I'm not sure if I'm BU to be so pissed off and it's possible that it's just embarrassment that I'm taking out on him, but I feel like he's being absolutely irresponsible sharing details of our private life like this. Now I'm home I'm thinking leaving was over dramatic.

So I know what I'm going to say to DH when I come home; WIBU?

My DH went to a posh school (not private but a posh grammar) and so I've met the "type". I'm kind of therefore sympathetic to your handling of this, within the realms of normal banter/behaviour (and FWIW would have walked out, just as you did, from that so-called brunch)

This is a relief. On my first thread someone commented our dynamic was "icky" and I was worried that I was stuck in a completely weird and out-there relationship.

I'm not sure how you break this cycle tbh because it's who he is?

I think the cycle all eventually wittles down to his controlling behaviours. In which case tackling that will be what we have to do.

We started this. Just relaxing his routine a little - trying to help him become more flexible. I'm thinking that after this maybe more professional help is needed; but then, I did say I'd only do that if he did anything else worrying and this was technically before.

I'm thinking getting my teeth into why he brought his colleague might bring the extent of our issue to light.

But he isn't a good man. He is a sadist and a control freak, he is at best deeply patronising towards women - bless your sweet little home-based "career" for pin money! My actually ill and stressed daughter should be doing the cooking because she needs to learn - and at worst an out-and-out misogynist, he is comfortable with all the privileges of the rich white male. His desire for sexual dominance - and for everyone to know about it - fits entirely with his contemptuous attitude to everyone else and in a man of that class suggests a complete inability to think critically or self examine.

Knock me down with a feather that the controlling, misogynistic lump fancies himself as Christian Grey and brags about it with his colleagues

"He was definitely misogynistic in the past"

Was?

I don’t understand people’s point about Anne Summers. I have a large disposable income and I, and several of my well-off friends will buy stuff there for the bedroom. The reason being that i wear the corset or whatever it is for 5 minutes before DH removes it, and I would rather have a large variety of sexy bits than pay 300£ or more at agent provocateur for something that will ultimately end up on the floor.

I’m not saying OP isn’t lying, I’m just saying I don’t understand people’s argument re Anne Summers. It’s also just a very well-known and easy place to pop for some kinky lingerie. You can’t really go wrong.

I’m only here for the deletion message

[chews popcorn]

his issue, sorry.

bet neither you or him would accept that kind of behaviour from your children.

DD had a problem with this before and we had to work through it. It was a really awful time and yes, DH was adamant that she needed to not respond to this sort of group environment in order to be "the best" and should focus on her own self worth etc.!

Hmm I should clarify @rosesandflowers1 that (luckily for me) my DH isn't that type (in case you thought that's what I was saying!) I have dated that type though, but when I was 15/16. I couldn't have done with the "training" and tbh I'm thankful every day I didn't settle down with someone like that!

However I wouldn't say your dynamic is icky, exactly. I just get that he's a certain way and that doesn't make him an all-out bastard. He's a product of his upbringing. (As we all are I guess). You're a far more patient woman than I to (a) have persevered in the first place and (b) to keep forgiving these transgressions. But again, he needs to step up/grow up - and quickly.

Show me the company you keep, and 8ll show you what you are.

He's one of them.

He needs to "grow up quickly"? The man's in his 40s!

He is a sadist and a control freak, he is at best deeply patronising towards women - bless your sweet little home-based "career" for pin money!

DH isn't patronising about my career He's hugely supportive and honestly great about it.

My actually ill and stressed daughter should be doing the cooking because she needs to learn

DH wasn't saying that DD needed to learn while ignoring older male children who hadn't. He was BU but not for that reason.

DS will learn to cook at the same age if not before (as DD's lessons were delayed).

What a weird power play. People get really effing odd at work dos.

The "point about Anne Summers" is that last night OP said this: they are a very competitive group... They compare gifts they've bought for family/friends, cars, etc. and buying polyester crapola from a shopping centre doesn't line up with that.

A reminder for all the kind posters earnestly making allowances for the posh boy what this, and every other thread started by OP, is actually about, it was nailed by an poster last night:

I’m beginning to wonder if this is part of your sub/dom dynamic. You post unpleasant details about your DH’s treatment of you and then seem to take masochistic pleasure from posters’ shock, happily repeating that you have no intention of ending the relationship. I’m not sure what else you can be getting out of these threads.

She is getting off on everyone calling him a loser who mistreats her. She is never going to respond any way but sweetly cooing that they've had a "discussion", she lost the "debate", and he bought her some scratchy crap from Lipsy cos he's such a high roller.

Well, the D/S activity (or indeed any activity in bedroom) would be stopping as of now if i were you. I would be too furious to induge him ever again.
What a bag of shit he is.

You're a far more patient woman than I to (a) have persevered in the first place and (b) to keep forgiving these transgressions. But again, he needs to step up/grow up - and quickly.

His transgressions when we were dating were never this big - which was why I kept referencing uni, BTW. By the time we actually got together he had grown up a lot and yes, he had problems but not like this.

It was more "I don't see why you need to pay" than telling random people about our sex life.

He's one of them.

Sorry but this made me burst out laughing. It's like a sci-fi movie and they've discovered he's one of the robots or something

I get your point though. He and these wo/men are very alike in lots of ways. With some of them he's getting a bit too alike.

It was more "I don't see why you need to pay" than telling random people about our sex life.

Pay for what? Sex?

Well, since you seem to be completely oblivious to the awfulness of your laughable little scrote of a partner, stop moaning and stay with him. You are a fool, you'll most likely stay a fool, he'll carry on humiliating you and you'll just pout for a while then forgive him like the good little girl you are.

How absolutely pathetic. But hey - it's your life, your choice. If this is what you like then this is what you'll have.

The "point about Anne Summers" is that last night OP said this: they are a very competitive group... They compare gifts they've bought for family/friends, cars, etc. and buying polyester crapola from a shopping centre doesn't line up with that.

Well it's not like it was my birthday and he went to Ann Summers as a choice over a different shop. He bought me something from there when he went past it after lunch.

Even then, they don't really compare in terms of money. IME people who are rich and have always been rich don't really brag about just the bare costs of things. They just don't see much value in it. Especially in a workplace where they're all earning similar.

Pay for what? Sex?

No; bills, dinner etc. It was just an example.

Well, since you seem to be completely oblivious to the awfulness of your laughable little scrote of a partner, stop moaning and stay with him.

I think a big problem is that I only need help when he's being an ass, so Mumsnet only knows one side of him.

Another thing is that its very easy to play it out like a soap when it's not your life. Maybe in a book the heroine would pack her bags and storm out the door and win a custody battle for the children, but in real life such drastic action isn't often worth it.

I can ask for advice in between "let him do what he wants" and "divorce him". There's plenty of options other than the extremes.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza

Ok, totally get your point now - in the context of her OH bragging about gifts, no these are not things to brag about!

Don’t understand OP now saying that they don’t brag about things?

I've read both threads.
My advice OP is don't give up your day job....

Nah, not a heroine, just a woman with a modicum of self-respect which you seem to lack. Nobody will respect you if you don't respect yourself.

Your partner is a laughable pathetic kinkster who likes to abuse you in bed to big himself up - and now look! It bled over into everyday life outside the bedroom. How very surprising.

No, seriously now, he's an ass. You're choosing to stay with an ass even though you know he's an ass. No point in giving advice to someone who'll ignore it and drop to her knees soon as her Dom/Lordandmaster pretends to be nice for five minutes.

OP - it’s Fathers Day today - you have young children.. you’ve spent all morning and early afternoon dragging out this thread.

Most people with a DH and young children in real life are doing things with their families, yet you aren’t..

So either you’re life isn’t real - or your relationship and family life are way off mark .

Which is it?

Oh - and a couple of because you seem to like them...

DH and I talked.

His colleague rang him up to apologise to him and me, was the first thing he mentioned. I said that was great but wanted to talk more about why he told his friend in the first place.

He agreed he was trying to show off to his friend a little. I said perhaps a lot.

We went a bit deeper and he admitted he was trying to impress his friend who's trying to get his wife into this kind of thing by the fact that I do this kind of thing with him Am fuming and told him so. I can't believe he'd do that, especially as his friend might very well use this as ammunition against his poor wife!

It was incredibly childish behaviour and I said so. I then pushed that maybe he needs to move workplaces as obviously the toxic environment there is causing him to behave extremely poorly.

DH said he could understand why I suggested this and could see it was impacting me, but he was very comfortable in his current work place and colleagues.

I said that was the problem, and there had to be a time where he started looking at my comfort and not just his. He said I was being selfish and not considering him at all, and it wasn't just my sex life divulged last night, but his! Like he wasn't the one who gave him all the bloody details in the first place!

Frankly I think it's the other way round with the selfishness thing. If he can see his work place is impacting me and also that it's impacting him, the best thing for our marriage is for him to consider other options. I said that getting a job somewhere else shouldn't be hugely difficult but he says it would be. Not the actual acquirement of a job in the first place, but there's not much chance of him getting his current work timetable at a new company - which, as he pointed out, was at my request. He said the DC will also have to understand to some degree and that will be difficult.

I don't think explaining it to the kids will be an issue but the timetable thing worries me. I still said that after last night I thought it was abundantly clear that a new work place was pretty important and wasn't messing around with this.

He agreed to look for some various positions elsewhere but still thinks it's a bad idea. He went to his office.

It was pretty nasty and he was very obviously pissed off with me. I'm glad I stood my ground though and he did agree to look someplace else. He's going to be a bitch about it I daresay but he'll do it and hopefully he can find somewhere with a better work culture.

Timetable might cause some issues though. But I think at this point it might be necessary.

Hi OP, I'm the pp on your ither thread who suggested you made sure you had your own transport in case you needed to make a quick getaway.
Just as well, eh?

Been thinking a little about this. He needs to be the Alpha male at home doesn't he? That's because he's a Beta male at work. He's not quite at their level of Eton-style posh, so has to make up for it by being ever so slightly more of a bad-boy than they are in order to be accepted by them. There's a massive power/dominance thing going on where he works, and he might not even realise that's what he's doing. (I spent quite a lot of time in boardrooms in my time, and it's quite entertaining to watch the jockeying for position... when it doesn't affect you).

The other thing is that your dd's illness is bothering him far more than he realises either. I have two sets of friends - one couple sadly have a dc with a life-limiting condition, and the other a dc with a potentially fatal but currently controlled illness. Both dads (to my mind) are not coping well at all. Their job as husband and father is to be the one to fix it, and they can't. Their inability to put things right makes them feel impotent. Both of them are currently awful to live with. They and their wives hide it well, but I've noticed things. The atmosphere, the sudden snapping, the over-the-top annoyance at mild dc transgressions. They are both slowly getting worse.

Not that any of that would excuse your dh's behaviour - he is being a complete arse and he needs to pack it in. Or else.

You do realise that nope, he will NOT find another workplace, don't you? And oh, he's pissed with YOU now, is he?

This would be absolutely hilarious if it wasn't so bloody sad.