To cancel my holiday since I can’t master this ‘life skill’

[Eastie77]

I was due to go on a break with a group of 3 friends in the Summer. Original plan was to stay in a cottage as we have done previously, enjoy walks, the beach and so on. After everything was booked my friends decided to incorporate a few days bike riding into the holiday. This was when I had to admit that I can’t ride a bike which was met with disbelief (you must mean you’re just a bit rusty, everyone can ride etc) and then I was told to take lessons and I’d learn in a few hours. I actually posted on MN for advice as I don’t know anyone who has learned as an adult.

Anyway, I had the lesson and it went as badly as I expected since my sense of balance is appalling. I have difficulty with co-ordination generally and I was the only person in the entire class who was unable to cycle by the end of the lesson. Everyone else was a complete beginner like me. The teacher was lovely and suggested a 1-1 lesson next week which I might go to but honestly I know deep down that I won’t get the hang of this. So I’ve told my friends I’m not going on the holiday because they now plan to cycle almost every day of the break.

I have not asked for my share of the money back as it’s my choice not to go but I have suggested that we try to find a replacement for me amongour wider group of friends if possible. The ‘problem’ is I have pissed off the group as a) I am being defeatist and b) I was one of the 2 designated drivers and now there is only 1 who will have to drive 7 hours each way. I get why she is annoyed but the irony is my other 2 friends are having a go at me for not persisting with the bloody cycling lessons when neither of them can drive (1 has a license but hasn’t driven since she passed and definitely can’t drive on the motorway) and so should understand that some of us just haven’t mastered certain skills. DP booked time of to stay with our DC and when I told him to cancel he rolled his eyes and said I’m really hard work. Really? AIBU to not want to spend 3 days of a holiday sitting on my own for hours while my friends go off and have fun?!

With all respect to those who have suggested them, a beginner on a trike is not going to keep up with a keen cyclist, especially if off-road and encountering the sort of gates that are designed to keep anything wider than a single buggy out; and riding a tandem requires a level of skill that not every experienced cyclist will have, let alone an inexperienced and reluctant one. I cycle, but the thought of riding tandem does not appeal.
OP - one way or another I hope you do get a break.

Curbed - op IS NOT the one that changed things AFTER they all paid. Cyclezilla is! Frankly it very much sounds like she is trying to turn the holiday into something SHE wants it to be REGARDLESS of the other 3's desires and abilities.

Op can't cycle at all
F2&3 are hobby cyclists who likely won't be able to keep up and will be sore after 1st day and not want to cycle more anyway AND weren't drivers of this change!

I can as I said, well see even if op doesn't go, the other 3's relationship imploding due to cyclezilla's selfish attitude!

This seems to be a peculiar trait in current cycle fans, we see it on numerous threads in relationships, though it's mainly mamil's who are shirking family responsibilities and neglecting their relationship with partner/spouse to go cycling every day of the week after work and most of the weekend! Cycling can be/is fun - but I wonder wtf is going on in the cycling community that keen amateur cyclists are being such twats! It never used to be like this.

If cyclezilla wants to indulge her interest and have a cycling holiday there are plenty available - to turn a holiday that was meant to be old (uni? Past employment?) friends getting a RARE chance to meet up and hang out and just have fun TOGETHER into a fucking hobby holiday for a hobby only SHE is particularly interested in is BANG out of order - and ESPECIALLY to do so AFTER everyone has paid and arrangements made is beyond selfish!

Cyclezilla's comments and actions have been appalling to the point of bullying. I'm amazed the op hasn't given her an earful! I bloody well would have!

And to add insult to injury - rather than react with dismay at missing out on op's COMPANY when she said she'd rather not go if they're going to be spending most of the time doing something she CAN'T, they're pissed off at losing a driver!

That is (as many pps have noted) NOT the actions of friends - that is the actions of USERS too absorbed in their own needs and neuroses to treat someone they call a friend decently.

Seriously what WOULD you consider bullying Curbed?

Cos I certainly think

Moving the goalposts
Pressuring op into learning a skill UNNECESSARILY that she DOESN'T want to, in a VERY short space of time.
Potentially putting op in a very risky position as a new cyclist on ROADS (I think this is ridiculously stupidly dangerous!)
GUILT TRIPPING (aka EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL) her by saying how SHE is the one ruining their plans.
DISMISSING her having a potential disability.
REFUSING to compromise themselves (there's really no NEED for the MAJORITY of the holiday to be spent doing queen bees bloody hobby)
NOT offering her the money back (least they could do imo).

That bloody well looks like bullying to me.

To bully: (oed)

Seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce

"I think your friend is in for a shock when she realises that no one else is going to be able to keep up with her. " I don't think she CARES! It's all about what cycle fiend wants! That she is also the other driver just goes to show how tunnel vision she is. Acting against her own best interests as far as the driving is concerned.

"leisurely paced rather than hard core cycling (this is her description)" given how she's been behaving so far I don't buy that for a minute! She'll be pushing the other 2 to 'just go a bit faster' 'let's just finish this part of the route then we'll rest'

"Friend 1 has been going on about getting some kind of saddle that will help everyone." Yep all about her - doesn't want them to have any 'excuses' not to cycle! That also suggests to me the other 2 are already (or from the beginning?) saying 3 days is too bloody much! Have you spoken with either of the other 2 SEPARATELY?

"I can see the scared driver will be in her sights next" if she isn't/hasn't been already! Yea I think that's probably why non-driver with license has been giving you grief - because you're easier to challenge, to persuade, manipulate than F1.

I take it F1 has always been the dominant in the group as otherwise would've made more sense and I think what more likely would've happened is the other 2 to side with you and tell her to get a fucking grip! That you'd all agreed on a WALKING and chill holiday and if she's ONLY interested in her sodding bike to go on holiday with IT alone! (Curious - is she in a relationship?)

I agree to keeping messages simple, clear and assertive.

"The holiday has been changed from what we all originally agreed to without my consent. As a direct result I am neither able to participate nor wish to attend and await a full refund as this is not caused by my actions"

And yes, if necessary keep repeating, not what was agreed, I want my refund!

"I think she feels bad and is trying now" good! It should never have gone as far as it has - be wary she might be just saying this to get you to go and will ramp up the pressure once there - or be a moody cow cos she hasn't got her way!

I hope for your sake it all settles down. Personally after the holiday I'd be having a serious word with F1 about wtf she was thinking acting like this!

OP I would still go on the holiday. I would wave your friends off on their first day of adventure cheerily , mentioning how you are going to chill , catch up on books/films etc , maybe have a little snooze , if you get bored go in the car to mooch round the shops in the local town , buy a nice cake , get a coffee. All lovely.

I assume the other people are mad keen bicycle riders who regularly go up hill and down dale on a bike? Wont mind in the slightest a good old British shower or cross wind?

Enjoy the solitude and indulgence of just doing exactly what you want to do. Tell them you will be sure to make sure the wine/gin is chilled and relax

I used to cycle loads, when I was too poor to run a car and didn't have kids to transport. I was slender as a side effect. But, I'd never want to do a cycling holiday. It's a form of transport to me, not a hobby.
I really really wouldn't want to do a cycling holiday with someone who couldn't cycle! That would get frustrating! YANBU.

You could hire/ride a trike - my daughter has dyspraxia it’s not a checklist and as you have stated everyone is different.

Spend the time with your hubby and kids since he’s already booked the time off

Sit on the back of a TANDEM with the best cyclist at the front, and contribute very little to peddling ..? [Yes I am mostly joking!].

Hmm reading these posts has got me thinking I might have that dyspraxia. I have never had much co-ordination, hand to eye stuff. I could never bit a ball with a bat, I can't ride a bicycle as I have balance problems. My hands shake a lot and I can put lipstick on but can forget about eyeliner, when I try
putting eyeliner on it ends up all over my face. I would just tell your friends to fuck off, don't stand for no shit. Get your money back. Cheeky bastards.

The cycling friend is typical of the type of insensitive idiot who clearly doesn’t understand the nature of dyspraxia and is stupid enough to think that because you can put lipstick on you should be able to ride a bike.

Dyspraxia is a spectrum disorder. Not everyone will have all the traits. Women tend to present differently to men and mask the symptoms better which is why many are never diagnosed or only realise they have when one of their children (typically sons) are diagnosed.

I can recommend reading ‘living with dyspraxia, a guide for adults with developmental dyspraxia’ by Mary Colley. The dyspraxia foundation are helpful too and have a good support network to help you learn more about it.

I’m another one who hopes it pours with rain during the entire cycling holiday!

Just tell them you'd rather shit in your hands and clap.

I adore cycling, I cycle pretty much every day, I go cycling at the weekends and on cycling holidays with like-minded cycling friends. I still think your friend is being selfish and bafflingly obtuse.

I haven’t read the WFT but I really don’t suggest a tandem! To have an enjoyable ride the person on the back of a tandem requires just as much balance and coordination as riding a regular bike - if not more, because you can’t see to anticipate turns and bumps as well! Plus your bum gets even more sore because of the aforementioned inability to anticipate bumps...

I’d text back saying ‘why am I getting stuck for not cycling from can’t drive/won’t drive?’

I can ride a bike. Would I want to do 3 days of "fun" cycling? Hellfire would freeze over first. No chance.

A holiday is supposed to be enjoyable for all concerned. You paid your share and then the nature of the holiday was changed - ergo it's fine for you to want to change your mind.

Just because you are able to do something (or can try to learn to) doesn't mean that you should. One of the nice things about getting older is having the confidence to say "no" to non-essential things that don't appeal to you.

I would text your friend the following:

I don't want to cycle. I don't enjoy it and I now feel under considerable pressure to do something which wasn't on the agenda when we first discussed going on holiday. If it had then I wouldn't have agreed to join you. I don't want to "compromise" over it - I just don't want to cycle and I think going on holiday is supposed to be enjoyable, so I am sure you can understand why I no longer want to go. That doesn't mean you shouldn't - and I hope you have a lovely time and I am sure we'll have opportunities in the future to catch up. Please could you let me know when you have transferred me the refund of my deposit money.

Friend 1 has turned this in to a full on cycle holiday and is now throwing her toys out of the pram because you are being "silly" and not co-operating with her demands.

This was supposed to be a holiday where you caught up with friends, yet the only one who is expected to compromise is you. They haven't even met you half way. Cycling or no.. how much do they actually want to spend time with you.

Even if you did try your hardest to learn to cycle, this isn't a leisurely bike ride, this is a full on 3 days of cycling.

Forget the trike, how on earth would you keep up.?

I've been a very very beginner skier out on the slopes with "experts" telling me its so easy if only I try harder as they wizz off at top speed, moan about having to wait around for me and then, having rested themselves, whizz off again the moment i get there. I imagine you would face a similar situation. Utter torture. The fact is that different levels of expertise do not match in these situations and are enjoyable for no one.
You are not being too passive, as your OH said. You very reasonably said you would try lessons but were realistic to acknowledge it wasn't for you. You were then called "silly" and patronised by the "expert."
You've clearly voiced your objections and if they are not willing to listen to you, I'd be dubious about going on holiday with them.

Holidays are supposed to be fun for all and not stressful.Dont do it and don’t feel bad about it.

Tandem? 🤔 might be an option?

The OP doesn't want to ride a bike, a tricycle or a tandem so why do people keep suggesting it ?

YANBU to not go if you don't want to do what is in the itinerary. However, I go to a reunion of my college friends every year, and we go walking. I don't really like walking but I enjoy the company of my friends. On long walks that I can't be bothered with, I excuse myself the night before and get very very drunk since it is one of the few excuses I have to spend time away from DP with my friends. It turns out that a lot of people who claimed to be in it for the walking are actually in it for the fellowship.

I can cycle. I don't. I flipping hate it. I have a lovely top of the range Pashley or something someone brought me -I hate it. I came off a few times and hurt myself.

Horses are fine, bicycles -well you can jog on.

So a few choices -

1. If you hate it and don't want to learn -fine don't - but if you still want to go -That's your call. Take a few good books and earphones and ipod and off you go. Or take your car and explore local area and visit NT places whilst they are off cycling.etc. Tell them to get stuffed. It's like me telling a friend -I've booked a holiday and her paying and then on the day she turns up going 'Here's your horse. What do you mean you can't ride? Go and get some lessons it's a life skill? ' Blah blah blah and ignoring her when she says she is frightened of horses and allergic etc. You have a car -tell them you are going to use it. Pot calling the kettle and all that -you can't drive -don't tell me to learn to cycle -this is bullying -so please stop bullying me -else I'm not coming etc

2. Get a new set of friends. Seriously -if any of my friends did that to me -well they can jog right off my friendship list.

Take the same dates and go elsewhere.

Life's too short to do something you hate.
You are not a taxi driver.

One of those electric/motorised bikes?

You do sound like you are surrounded by friends/partner who consider you should adapt yourself to their lives out of habit, which is unreasonable of THEM, IMO! If you don't want to go on a cycling holiday, then don't! It's a holiday, for fun, not a call of duty!
TBH, I'd go off on my own, so as not to put DP out, and leave your friends to get aches cycling. It's good to be alone and think, do what you like, and forget the rest for a few days.
If your friend can't drive on a motorway, she could try the small roads, and 7 hours id not a long time to drive, with a couple of half hour breaks... even for one!
You could buy a 1 person tent, sleeping bad, bus ticket, and pay a camping by the sea, or mountains, or where ever YOU want, and give your self some pleasure. Sounds as if you owe it to yourself.

Friend 1 moved the goalposts and inserted her hobby to dominate the holiday. She’s totally in the wrong here.

Your friends sound really selfish about the cycling. I know others have suggested still going, but you won’t have been a part of what’s happened during the day and so not on the same wavelength. We had invited friends over ages ago and one of them turned up really late and they then weren’t on the same wavelength as us, we tried really hard but the vibe just couldn’t be recovered! Why can’t they scrap the cycling or minimise it? If the holiday can’t be recovered do something with your family and have fun with them! x

I'm another one who can (theoretically) cycle, but doesn't want to ever again. Fell off a couple of times and I'm not about to do that again. I do feel slightly bad about it if we go to center parcs and everyone else is whizzing about and I'm walking, but not enough to risk injury for. All my friends know I never cycle. I'd be well pissed off if we'd booked a holiday and everyone else decided after booking that they were going to be cycling every day. Stick to your guns

I am totally with you on not cycling. My lovely husband booked a break for us at centre parcs even though he knew I hated cycling after falling off when I was younger. I gave it a go on the flatter surfaces and he quickly realised he was very wrong to force me to do it as I was so slow and cautious. He could tell I was hating every minute so suggested walking everywhere instead. We have booked to go again but are staying in the apartments so not far away and definitely don’t need bikes.

I'd be really fed up about this, they've changed the goalposts and are just expecting you to fit in. It's not your fault you can't ride a bike.

My son has dyspraxia - strangely enough he mastered a bike quickly.