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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to work?

136 replies

hamandcheeserolls · 16/06/2018 15:37

OK, this might seem a goady title but genuinely what can you do.

One of my children is disabled, get regular phone calls from school to pick him up, he's overwhelmed.

One is 2.

I have no partner and no family at all.

I genuinely struggle to see how I can work in this setup?

OP posts:
Butterflykissess · 16/06/2018 15:44

im the same. 4 children. one disabled. loan parent. no family support. just had a work focus interview at the job centre and told them i would not be working.

Momo27 · 16/06/2018 15:54

Do you actually mean your thread title though OP? It sounds as though it may be very difficult for you to work, which is a very different thing from not wanting to work

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 16/06/2018 16:00

I have a partner and we have one child together. We have no support at the moment. Our parents are either dead or physically ill or mentally ill. Our friends either live too far away or have never looked after kids, so it's a big ask unless theres a major emergency.

Sometimes I don't want to work either, but I have to because my partner does not earn enough to support me staying at home. Plus, we're not married so I need to retain my financial independence.

So, YANBU Smile

Mollywobbles82 · 16/06/2018 16:01

I have had a lot of jobs. I hated the ones that were office based and 9-5 with 4wks annual leave. In the end I retrained for a job which offers me a lot more flexibility and freedom and involves a lot less tedium. Whilst I did not want to work in the first scenario, it never occurred to me to think I should be able to not work at all. There are downsides to what I do now but on balance I'm happier. I'm not comparing the situations, just saying that I know how it feels not to want to work.

Genuine question - how are you going to support yourself & your family long term with no work at all? Even assuming you qualify for whatever benefits are on offer and can jump through the requisite hoops and can live off the proceeds, are you ok with the likelihood that these entitlements will decrease over time, and the certainty that by the time your dc are adults (only 16 years from now?) you would not be able to survive on what you'd get?

In answer to your question, I'm afraid I think that on balance you are being unreasonable. Unless you are supported by a partner or private income or truly incapacitated by disability, everyone needs to work. Yanbu to find it hard or to expect support from benefits given your situation.

GreyGardens88 · 16/06/2018 16:02

How do you plan on supporting yourself then ?

Original poster
hamandcheeserolls · 16/06/2018 16:04

Yes, but Elinor - you have a partner. There are two of you.

How do I plan on supporting myself - I have no idea, none ...

OP posts:
ShovingLeopard · 16/06/2018 16:05

Mollywobbles what is this flexible, tedium-free job you speak of? Sounds like this, or something like it, could be the answer to OP's prayers

Imsosceptical · 16/06/2018 16:06

I think it is totally reasonable to make the decision that you don’t want to work if you have the financial ability to have that choice, who does if they have a choice!! However, YABTU if you believe the welfare state should pick up the tab for you, now that’s not acceptable.

makemeacoffee · 16/06/2018 16:08

Where are the fathers? Are they not contributing with money or time? The kids grandparents?

How will you support the children?

whiteroseredrose · 16/06/2018 16:08

Are you widowed? Don't your DC have a father?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 16/06/2018 16:12

The school need to stop sending him home, they should be educating for a full school day so speak to the senco etc. A two year old can go to nursery.

YABVU to not fancy working whilst expecting others to pay for that choice. Why is the other parent not helping?

JustHereForThePooStories · 16/06/2018 16:13

I genuinely struggle to see how I can work in this setup?

I genuine belly struggle to see how you can’t work on this setup.

Surely you need all the income and social interaction that work gives you?

Mollywobbles82 · 16/06/2018 16:13

I teach English language to adults, nowadays in a university, previously in the private language sector. The job security is terrible but the flexibility is great. These days the pay is good too. Even in my first job it was more than I was earning doing low level admin. I now have a masters but the initial qualification I did cost £1k and took 1 month, not the lengthy pgce you need for mainstream education. It's not the perfect job but it works for me.

The point I was really making was that I think everyone has a responsibility to figure out what job they can do that is workable given their experience, skills, family set up, location etc etc. Simply saying 'I don't want to work' (certain conditions excepted) is not an option. Sadly having childcare complications is not one of those conditions. It's just a fact of life that most parents have to deal with, myself included.

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 16/06/2018 16:13

That was my point

I sometimes feel working, taking care of the house and looking after a baby WITH A PARTNER is too much, and I don't want to work.

So YANBU to not want to work ....

Thehogfather · 16/06/2018 16:14

The 2yr old and being a lone parent isn't a reason why work isn't possible. School regularly requesting you pick your older dc up would make most employment impossible to retain.

But I do think that you should approach it from the PoV this isn't a permanent problem and prepare yourself for work in the future, either training, voluntary work or both to keep your cv up to date.

Of course if his disability is such he'll never be independent and you'll always need to be available 24/7 for the rest of his life ignore the above.

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 16/06/2018 16:14

Not wanting to work and choosing not to work are two different things btw.

I don't want to work but I do pick up my arse every morning and go.

Idontevencareanymore · 16/06/2018 16:15

In an ideal world yes it's not unreasonable to not work. Sadly this world isn't ideal.
You say you don't want to work but I don't think anyone really wants to. I'm missing one of the only days I get with my 6yo due to working. Can't say I'd not love to be at home.

Saying that if you can survive on state benefits with all the cuts and hardship that entails and you have absolutely no option then there's not much you can do.

GreenTulips · 16/06/2018 16:18

What did you do before kids?
What qualifications do you have?
How are the children's father helping suppprt them? (Is he called out of work?)

Mollywobbles82 · 16/06/2018 16:18

Maybe you need to seek an alternative school for your dc, which would be better able to meet his needs? This sounds like a big part of the problem. Then childcare for the 2 year old like everyone else.

Butterflykissess · 16/06/2018 16:19

believe it or not some fathers choose to be absent.

Missingstreetlife · 16/06/2018 16:21

Imagine childcare for disabled child is a problem. Will dwp make you work or is there flexibility in this situation? Get advice Claim what you can as a career and for child. Good luck

x2boys · 16/06/2018 16:22

does your child get DLA ? if not apply for it my child is disabled he gets DLA i get carers allowance etc i cant work its very different to not wanting to work.

Sofabitch · 16/06/2018 16:24

My dd has been in hospital for 2 years. I still have to work. Sucks arse. In some ways its easier with her in hospital. When she's home there are endless appointments to attend. So then I feel constant guilt.

I sometimes think people don't realise how hard it is to work with a child that doesn't fall into the spectrum of normal needs.

Allthewaves · 16/06/2018 16:27

Op u would be better posting in special needs. Sometimes is not possible for sen parents to work. Schooling fails, childcare not an option as won't take sen kids

ExtraTime · 16/06/2018 16:29

just sympathetic OP.

Maybe I'm wrong, Sofa, but I think maybe lots of people do understand. The ones that count do.

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