To not want to work?

[hamandcheeserolls]

OK, this might seem a goady title but genuinely what can you do.

One of my children is disabled, get regular phone calls from school to pick him up, he's overwhelmed.

One is 2.

I have no partner and no family at all.

I genuinely struggle to see how I can work in this setup?

As others have said, the 2 year old isn't really the issue. The issue is your school age child that needs to be picked up. Unless these are official exclusions, what they are doing is illegal. However, I fully understand not wanting to leave a child in school that is so distressed.

You need to push the school to get something put in place as that cannot continue.

Having said that, I gave up work due to a situation like this. I'm lucky in that I have my husband for financial support.

The father (there is only one {hmm]) is not on the scene.

My parents died.

I think you are being unreasonable- though I can understand that at the moment it may be difficult to work full time. But that is different from not wanting to work, isn't it? Could you look into possibility of working part time, for instance?

And what about their father? Surely he should be contributing financially, even if he is not involved in their lives?

Is this situation with your eldest DC's disability likely to improve? Not the disability- I'm guessing that is permanent- but the issues leading to you having to collect him so often? If so, it may be reasonable to consider not working in the short-term whilst this is being addressed- hard to say without knowing the situation (and understand you may not want to give those details). That is, again, different from not wanting to work at all.

I think lots of people would rather not work, or would like to work fewer hours, but the need to put a roof over their families head, clothes on their backs, food on the table and so on necessitates that they do. If don't want to work and you can afford not to, whether that is based on personal wealth or partners income, then fine. However, if you require to rely on the state to support your family if you decide not work then I think there are only a few circumstances where I would support that- from a financial or moral position.

From a financial position, if you can work then you should. Benefits are precarious to rely upon if you have a choice not to- and in the present climate that is particularly true. Add in to that that once your children are adults then those will probably stop (depending on the degree of disability of your eldest DC). If you haven't worked for 15 + years, what is the likelihood that you will be employable? And then how will you support yourself? Surely even some part time work would be better than nothing in this regard.

Well of course the 2 year old is an issue, she can't look after herself!

Yanbu but people with no understanding of your child's needs will come out with claptrap about how you shouldn't expect to be supported by the state. They probably think that childcare for children with additional needs is really easily found, and that employers happy for you to need time out for meetings, reviews, appointments, assessments, exclusions, panels, etc are abundant. But they are ignorant and you should ignore them.

I’ve lost my job before because of children’s disability, regular appointments or having to pick one or the other of the dc up from school/childcare. Was called ‘unreliable’ by my boss. (To be fair it was 3 times in one week it happened but what choice did I have?)

In actual fact I’m a single parent who escaped an abusive relationship, was moved 150 miles away from friends and family by the council and had (still have) zero support nearby/no one to rely on for help.

I was on benefits for 2 years. I didn’t feel guilty. Yes I was taking tax payers money but I justified it as exP paid no maintenance (still doesn’t) so it was HIS tax money that was paying it.

I still get CTC/WTC now, doubt I’ll ever be fully self sufficient until the dc are grown and leave home.

I'd start by focusing on the needs of your eldest child. Is he being fully supported at school or do you need to look at one better equipped for his needs, does he have an EHCP, is he with CAMHS, are you claiming DLA and CA, is he getting everything he is entitled to? Have you been informed about charities such as Family Fund? Get as much help as you can, including financial, and you can start to get a bit of money put away.

And then look into courses you can do from home, I remember Learn Direct used to be a good provider, the Jobcentre will have up to date information.

No, the two year old can go into nursery. Plenty of people have children in nursery. It isn't a reason not to work.

And if the father is not contributing to his children's care, you should look into sorting that out too.

sofabitch I will never be able to understand your situation, all I can do is totally respect you and offer you my bestest ever wishes, much respect xxxx

are you missing the fact op has a disable child @soapboxqueen?

@soapboxqueen seems aware of that.

I meant to say in my reply that it doesn't sound as if he's being adequately supported if they just keep sending him home with you. Spend the next year or two working on organizing an arrangement he is comfortable with, and then by the time your youngest one is old enough to start school, hopefully you'll be able to start to look for work. But it's very tough, I understand.

It is the older dc who is disabled. Hence the pp questions about the school meeting his needs. Op, if you're happy to say more about the nature of the disability people might be able to offer better suggestions?

All op has said about their dc2 is that s/he is 2.

Parents of 2 year olds generally rely on childcare, unless family income facilitates 1 sahp which isn't the case for the op it seems.

I have a severely disabled child.

I am also a lone parent (dad has been totally absent since day one)

I returned to work when my child was a few months old after mat leave. Had to give it up though as my mum was unable to care for my child. No other family could. And I couldn't afford specialist childcare on NMW (even with tax credit help).

I was on IS until my child was about two. I was bored and depressed being at home all the time. And i was soooooo poor. I didn't know anything about DLA and was buying all the specialist equipment from my benefits and through selling things.

I registered with HMRC when my child was two and started doing cleaning and ironing, taking my child with me. Still wasn't earning much but eventually I managed to come off IS.

When my child started school, I got phonecalls on a daily basis asking me to come in as the teachers were at a loss on how to calm down my child etc.

When my child was six, i began a full time undergraduate course. I went to the uni financial advice service and they were fab. I got a lone parent grant, childcare grant, and a discretionary fund to make up the extra costs of having to enrol my child in a specialist breakfast club.after school club. They also told me about DLA and i was awarded HRC and LRM. My child's life totally turned around.

Five years later, i'm now in a full-time professional role working Mon-Fri 8am-6pm. Still single though and still having to claim some tax credits. My child's DLA goes towards specialist childcare around school and in holidays (although i i keep my annual leave for holidays but it doesn't cover all of them).

I don't mean for this post to sound like 'if i can do it, anybody can'. I just hope it offers some hope that it is possible to work/study when you have a disabled child and are a lone parent.

You just need to know where and who to ask for help/guidance.

Op . I would also ask it to be moved to sn’s.

The title is misleading .

I think a lot of people simply believe that ask dads to be involved and they will , support and they will.

I am a Lp with a child with Sn’s and currently am able to work but I get how exhausting it is , mentally as well as physically,how few jobs there are that would be that flexible,
If your Ds gets dla you can claim carers allowance .

There used to be respite care for parents of children with disabilities but it barely exists now . You are doing a tough job . I would not bring yourself down by asking from validation from mn.

Forgot to add:

I had to do this. I told the school when I started uni that I would not be coming to the school anymore during the day unless my child was too sick to attend. I told them that my child had a right to be educated and they needed to provide what was needed. I honestly just started blocking them on my phone and letting it go to voicemail (they had my uni department's number to call and my email in case of emergencies). If it was urgent, I'd call and give them advice over the phone during my breaks. I told them I was an hour away and could not come in. They soon got used to this new assertiveness. They got a learning assistant in from another area of the school and they eventually stopped calling every day.

To other posters asking about the father - it is not always as easy as 'asking him to provide'. Usually absent fathers are totally awol. And the child maintenance people can't find him on just a name. I tried to go through CSA about five years ago for my child and they wanted lots of information about him I just couldn't give such as his address and his most recent job and his national insurance number.

Also, don't the child maintenance people now expect resident parents to pay something towards starting a claim?

And, sometimes when you've been with an abusive partner (not to presume this is the OP's situation), it is really difficult to accept money into your bank each month from him. You;d rather just have a totally fresh start on life with no reminders of him at all.

I’m in a similar position, 2 disabled children, single mum. My dc’s are now a bit older but when they were at primary school I couldn’t work due to appointments, therapy and school calling me to collect one of them. Now the youngest is in a sn school I can work part time but I don’t feel I could work full time as dc2 often doesn’t sleep and I can’t get child care I the school holidays. I have decided to do a few courses to help me get a better job when they are older (if possible and if they ever move out).

give yourself a break, just doesn't sound like you can at the moment. If you have so much responsibility (and it sounds like you do) you will make yourself ill by taking on more than you can handle. I know this all too well from experience. You're much more vulnerable as a LP because you don't get breaks, don't get the emotional or practical support that you need.

So don't give yourself a hard time about not being able to work if it's more or less impossible.

Focus on your immediate needs - that is providing for your kids and keeping yourself well enough.

In a couple of years or more things will be easier and you might find you are in a position to get a job.

Keep well!

That said there's nothing to stop you from spending a couple of hours a week or as much as you can spare looking into a side project (self employment? a blog? learning a new skill?) that is manageable, flexible, takes up little time and allows you to develop and have a bit of time outside fo your kids for yourself. It might lead to things in future.

op i would break it down eg say you will be a SAHM for 3 yrs and in that time work out along term plan,claim benefits especially DLA which then you could claim carers and extra TC etc(if you get them they are pretty generous) also depends if your DC needs alot of equipment/physical aids etc

once in place you can look into longetrm work.study for you and your youngest will be in school then

its hard when there is no dad about and you have the added difficulty of your parents not around.some people really dont realise how hard it is when these options for help are not around

you need some breathing space

do what is best for you and your chidren not others ?? where you are going to get the money from

best wishes

My two year old can of course go to nursery

However, nurseries are open Monday to Friday, 8 till 6, roughly.

Many jobs expect shift work I can't do. This means there are lots of jobs not open to me. Even if I got one then paying the nursery fees would be a huge chunk out of it, that's without my other children.

I second the PP about getting a little more hardline with the school. I had this when one of mine had a very minor disability (now surgically fixed)

I was getting daily calls to go in, and I worked an hour away. The child has a right to an education, and unless they are ill and need collecting and taking home, then the school should step up. I rang a fab charity for advice (they are very local though) and they advised me what to say to make the school listen.

x2boys I'm fully aware the op's older child has some sort of SEND. Having been in a similar situation myself I think it would be very difficult to work.

My point was that the younger child is not a barrier to work in and of itself.

Thing is, if you aren't going to work and benefits aren't going to sustain all of you, then what?

but benefits would substain them if op's child got DLA and op could get carers etc

tbh op would probably better of on benefits than working if she got the higher rates for her dc,so it is possible