If you were allowed to be unreasonable

[WingsofNylon]

What three things would you do?

I would:
fire anyone (not just in my work but everywhere) that ever uttered the phrase "I am not being funny, but..."

insist that my next door neighbours move and the old lovely ones come back.

tell people when they are boring me.

This is more reasonable than unreasonable but here goes:

All the Remainers still incessantly whining about Brexit will be put on Eurotunnel trains and not let back in the country. I don't care where they go, we can do without their negativity. Many have applied for Irish passports, hope they enjoy living there.

I was going to suggest the same for all Labour MPs and the risible LibDims and Greens but I don't believe in a one party government, even though it's my party Instead I will just evict Coybyn and some of the bonkers element of the party, not forgetting his one time incompetent and inept lover. He has plenty of overseas friends, the IRA, Hamas, Hezbollah to name but a few; I'm sure one of them will let him kip on their sofa.

The last one will be considered massively unreasonable by 99.99% of the population but tough. I would un-invent mobile phones and ipads and all social media, ie FN, Whatsap, Twitter +++++ I know some consider MN to be SM but I will ensure it is exempt.

I'm allowing myself a fourth - the Kardashians and all self obsessed, vacuous wannabes on Youtube etc will be wiped from the face of the Earth and humongous fake bums will be illegal.

My work is dome

I already do that Snappy 😂

Do away with I pads / smart phones and consoles etc is awesome. We all survived before all this and we could again.. bring back conversation.
( pay phones would make a comeback)

Have a tazer to carry at all times and use at will on people who annoy me.

Have the faces of all cat & dog owners who don't clean up after their pets rubbed in the offending mess every time until they decide to clear it up instead.

Be able to slap the parents of children who allow their kids to bully others then say "she/he was only teasing/having a laugh, your DC should be so sensitive."

This thread is going exactly as I thought it would! So many things that piss people off.
Neighbours are a biggie.

Never see my ILs again

Put muzzles on next doors kids

Ban eating on tubes and buses

Ban smoking. Completely.

Ban dog ownership apart from assistance and therapy dogs. Am so sick of them and their excrement pushing my children out of beautiful public spaces.

Chuck Trump out and make Obama come back and take over for the remainder of his term.

Anything on telly that I don't like is to be taken off air immediately. This to include all reality shows even if I don't watch them.

Remove tax and VAT from alcohol.

All vehicles to be banned from M25 whenever I decide to travel on it.

Eat whatever I want, without getting fat or it having any effect on my health. I would eat crisps and toast with butter until they came out of my ears.

Outlaw all radios or other technological devices that allow antisocial twuntflaps to inflict their shitty musical taste on everyone else in an outdoor setting, such as parks and beaches. Make it perfectly legal for anyone to seize and destroy aforementioned technology without any repercussions, thereby neutralising the offence and allowing the sounds of mother nature to be heard, once again.

Invent a special microchip that can be implanted in the brains of anyone who wants the football on the tv. This chip allows them, and only them, to see and hear the tv whilst the game is ongoing. It also paralyses their vocal chords, thus silencing any whining and screaming along the lines of "offside OOOOOOFFFFFFFFFSIDE REF, YOU FUCKING BLIND BASTARD". Without it, you cannot watch the football. It could easily be programmed for any sport or genre of television and ensures marital harmony and peace for those of us who don't give a flying fuck.....

Harry - become part of the royal family. They can stop traffic for them when they need to.

VAR technology will stop a lot of people screaming at TVs this summer - most of this may become a thing of the past! Tennis is the same now / John McEnroe would have been silenced.
Ban companies from having AI when all I want to do is speak to a human being!

VAR Technology? goes to look it up

ah okay. Nope, I still want them silenced. Just the sound from the telly makes me want to shove knitting needles through my eardrums.

Never wash a pair of socks again, fresh socks for me every day.
Love this idea.

Actually be allowed to look at the most argumentative, entitled child with their confrontational, entitled parent (complete with 'can i speak to a manager haircut') and tell them we can absolutely see where your child's bullying to peers, disgusting attitude to staff and all round entitled arrogance comes from before removing them from school so no other child has to suffer from their bullying or learning being disrupted again.

Ban people from saying "that's so funny..." if it's funny, laugh. If it's mildly amusing, smile and chuckle and if it's not funny qnd wasn't intended to be funny, say nothing

I had this conversation the other day:
Me : We were thinking of getting a puppy the other day and are starting to research breeds
Friend : That's so funny...

NO IT'S NOT!

1. be able to snap “NO” at anyone who is talking bollocks, like you would a dog about eat chocolate. Any bigoted nonsense or mention of health and safety gets the extended version “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”. Then they have to go to nightschool to learn why they were talking bollocks.

2. you get to kick people who are in the way

3. no one gets to call themselves busy. Anyone who does gets put alone on a desert island till they admit they are an attention seeking twatbag who wants a cookie every time they load the washing machine.

Put Theresa May and the rest of the conservatives in a top floor tower block with flammable cladding and no sprinkler system.

Make my abusive parents leave the country and live somewhere I don't want to go. Then I will be free!

Take my neighbours gardens because mine is too small.

phlewf
In a similar category to your 3), can I please add mood hoovers at work to your island? People who whine and whine about things, then whine and are negative about solutions, then whine about something else. I actually think they love being negative and feeling sorry for themselves.

Maisy no mood hoovers have to go a rubbish tip where children are trying to pick through the rubbish to get food. You know, where people actually have shit to moan about.

I’ve got solutions to everyone who gets on my nerves.

I would:

Evict my (perfectly nice) neighbour so we could have a double-sized house, and turn his garden into a swimming pool.

Any cold-callers who start the conversation "Hi, I'm Max, how are you doing today?" will be immediately given a painful electric shock through their headset.

The train would stop at the end of my garden (with an empty carriage just for me) whenever I want to pop into town.

Attach a small electric shock device to my husband which goes off every time he does something that niggles me a little but I don't mention because to do so I would become an absolute horror to live with.

Force the people who made my return from mat leave absolute hell to attend HR conferences every day until they finally understand that women who have had children do not suddenly become unable to do their jobs or any less committed.

Get all the people in our village to donate their time so we can complete our house renovation. Those with green fingers get to sort out the garden. Meanwhile I sit on my arse and tell everyone what to do.

Force my next door neighbours to move out. Demolish their house and make it into my garden.

Slap or kick to the floor people who walk three abreast down corridors/pavements and expect me to flatten myself into the wall.

Push aggressive cyclists off their bikes when they cycle on the very edge of the cycle lane and wave at me to get out of the way when I’m in the fucking pavement.

On the pavement even!

Only spend time with the most interesting people who must also laugh at all of my attempts at humour , telling me constantly that I am such good company. Oh and I would never ever listen to other people's problems

And everything Maisypops said

England to win the World Cup this year ( easily) only so we would never see or hear the words ‘1966’ ( or even 1996 when they didn’t do too badly) ever again.