If you were allowed to be unreasonable

[WingsofNylon]

What three things would you do?

I would:
fire anyone (not just in my work but everywhere) that ever uttered the phrase "I am not being funny, but..."

insist that my next door neighbours move and the old lovely ones come back.

tell people when they are boring me.

I would remove with lasers the entire section of a motor vehicle that is causing traffic violations such being on a pedestrian crossing when it is green for pedestrians or if they are parked Infront of dropped curbs.

I'd stick the perfume/make up sections of department stores in the (unventilated) basement and see how long they last before the smog of purfume chokes them

I would force everyone who can't be bothered to recycle to do community service in a sorting waste/recyclables facility.

I also have told mil my true feelings, just haven't told her friend's the facts- not her fiction.

I would bring in dog permits have any dog owner who utters the phrase "he's just being friendly" lose said permit

Fines for people who board trains before other people have got off.

Ban cyclists from wheelchair spaces on trains

Ban all "slogan" decor of the "Live. Laugh. Love" variety

Ban the Banter Bellend Bloke and his female counterpart from public transport

Voting Conservative should come with the penalty of eternal damnation

Anyone who doesn't abide by the Code Of Conduct should be removed from cinema screenings

Drive like a complete arse Hole, no indicating , parking up on the kerb wherever I like, going too fast.

Tell everyone to fuck off with birthdays that I have to organise and any other celebration which I seem to have to do. Fuck that

Tell a couple of colleagues that they are annoying twats

Oh and can I ban religion 😬

put all people who are slow at the self check out in stocks, so I can pelt them with rotten veg as I go past.

to put all tailgaters and wideboy racers in a reliant robin for a year, with a speed limiter on

to somehow make all MamiLs fall off their bloody bikes and land in a patch of nettles after skidding along the gravel road! ( Had a v slow drive home today - anger on defcon1!)

To reverse Brexit

To want to bribe examiners to give DD the gcse results she needs

To ban Fortnite and all its ilk

.

I'd like to taser people who don't clean up their dog's shit

Punch people who spit

Knock over people who jump the queue at bustops

Sorry mine are all so violent
I am just trying to emphasise my annoyance, I'm actually a wimp.

I would make the others in my office move desks so I get to sit where I like
Clear the motorway of other traffic when I need to use it
Put myself at the top of the waiting list for my op,

Track down the owner of every dog turd on the journey from my house to ds's school and post said dog turds through their letter boxes

Have someone clean my whole house and do all of my laundry every day for free.

Take ds out of school every so often to jet off to somewhere exciting for a day or so, say once or twice a week.

Paris, Athens, Sydney... We'd have a great time

Ban cats...sick of catshit in my garden.

I'd follow people who don't pick up their dog's crap, ringing a giant bell and chanting "SHAME, SHAME" like on GoT.

I am sick of scraping poo off shoes!

Tell DSDs' mum what I really think of her.

Ban all non-regular tube and train users from travelling at peak times unless they've been on a training course and passed a 'how to use the tube and not piss off commuters' test.

Make the corner neighbours move away and nice quiet people move in, who don't park hundreds of cars in awkward places and never appear to be doing dodgy deals of some sort.

Tell my bosses boss to talk faster or shut the fuck up.

Tell the five males that make up my team that make everything a pissing contest that I'm pissing all over them. Not literally but they fight to be alpha male over everything.
And I'm winning lol.

Emigrate to Australia. I actually could if I wanted to because of work and have ex pat status but I'm not. For now.

Say what I really want to every time

I'd comment my immediate reaction to every single fb post.
Them: look at my gawjus baby!
Me: It's g o r g e o u s and fucking hell when did you last hoover?!

1. Outlaw bad spelling and grammar. Offenders (unless they have a genuine reason such as dyslexia or English isn’t their first language) will be forced to re-attend primary school until they can string a sentence together coherently.

1. Make it illegal for cat owners to let their cats out. I’m sick of cleaning up cat shit from the garden and every time we have a bird make a nest in the hedge, we end up with a procession of feline devils sitting in wait for the them. You’re not allowed to let your dog roam free on the streets, so you shouldn’t be allowed to do it with cats either. Take them out for a walk on a lead or don’t get a pet in the first place if you can’t be bothered to exercise them.

1. Public shaming of people who ramble on in long social media posts about whatever inane shit has happened to them that day, should be compulsory. Honestly I couldn’t give a flying fuck that you got a call back from some company about a faulty kitchen appliance and your kids have had a non-uniform day and you’re making spag bol for tea and can’t wait to eat it after your tiring day. Fuck off. Unless it’s an elaborate set up to a hilarious joke, you can shove your broken fridge freezer ... in the bin.

Wow that felt good.

I’m actually a very chilled out person most of the time.

Ban men being shirtless in public

Ban cats

Make it so a person can vote in tv talent shows or general elections but not both

Eviscerate anyone who stands on the wrong side of the escalator. Likewise, arseholes who just stop in the middle of the street with no regard for the people behind and around them.

Anyone who rings my doorbell or phones me after 9pm (and that time is getting earlier by the day).

Remove people on MN who believe it is better to publicly rant about grammar indiscretions made by other posters, rather than to just be gracious and count their blessings that they know differently. Sorry guys, I think it's charmless when people do that and embarrass others on an anonymous forum.

Ban dogs
Stop people using my road as a through road
Not have to babysit anyone at work

Can I have ban phones at gigs too? Or is 4 just pushing my luck?

I would go around work telling everyone I hate to fuck off. I would finish with a lap of victory giving them all the finger. Might do a shit on the associate director's desk.

I too would evict my current quite needy neighbours and return my previous nice neighbours.

I would also be allowed 4 holidays a year but wouldn't have to pay.

Punch anyone who uses the phrase "reach out".

Tattoo the words Attention Seeker on the forehead of anyone who "checks in" at A&E on Facebook.

Never spend Christmas with my in laws again.

Make DH leave the police and get a nice normal 9-5 job. OR institute double pay for every hour worked outside 9-5.

Bugger off to a cottage by the sea somewhere for a week without DH and the DC, but get him to bring them for a day-trip in the middle because I’d miss them.

Feed the DC nothing but McDonald’s and chocolate because it makes them happy.

Ban smoking, anywhere.

I'd make it illegal to reject me from jobs I want because 'others had more experience'. In fact, I'd make it illegal to ask or declare how much experience anyone had in doing jobs, to get new blood in.

I'd write off all debt. All of it. I don't care how economists say it would destabilise the world. In fact, fuck it, no more money. No more having to pay for anything, it's all free. It was made up in the first place so IANBU.
All houses are shared out on a lottery system (banded so you get enough space for a family). No more mortgages, jobs, all that shit can go.

Anyone committing a violent act is sent to a man made island of floating rubbish in the middle of the Pacific and left to fend for themselves. This would eradicate both violence and rubbish, so is doubly excellent.

Government is now on a rota system, everyone serves a year. It's simplified down to essential decision making so you don't need 11 month's training either. No wars, so no wasted time on discussion of wars, no money so no stupid discussion about who to fuck with the next budget. Simple.

A cadre of elite scientists to be tasked with finding a way to transport people and goods at faster than light speed, with the promise that they can work when they want, and get lots of thanks (not a job).

I believe my work is done.