If you were allowed to be unreasonable

[WingsofNylon]

What three things would you do?

I would:
fire anyone (not just in my work but everywhere) that ever uttered the phrase "I am not being funny, but..."

insist that my next door neighbours move and the old lovely ones come back.

tell people when they are boring me.

post every bit of stinky leaking bin bag and bin bag juice back through myneighbours door so I do not get the leaking mess over my bin, (or the other neighbours) nor do we get the flies breeding around the bins.

Make dithering a capital offence.

Break the legs of anyone who feels the need to regularly update me on how far they’ve run and their latest times.

Drown anyone who shares an ‘inspirational’ quote. Yes, you did inspire me. You inspired me to drown you.

All sniffers and noisy eaters would be shipped to a colony.

I’d create a virus for smartphones that sensed if people were playing music or clips in public places without headphones, and caused the phone to spontaneously combust after emitting one Woody Woodpecker “Hahaha-haha” laugh.

I’d shift the beauty aesthetic back to when rubenesque curves and dimpled thighs and bottoms were highly prized and desired.

Any restaurant or bar advertising hollandaise sauce with something, and serving sauce that’s come out of a jar or packet, would be summarily closed by trading standards. If it’s Eggs Benedict that they’ve messed with, there would be public shaming involved.

Give exh a vasectomy with no anaesthetic so he can’t knock anyone else up and fuck off. Also sew his mouth shut so he can’t tell any more lies about me. Then throw him in solitary confinement for the rest of his life for abandoning his child.

CoughLaughFart,

I'm stealing all of yours aswell!

I'd get one of those white road line painters and I'd mark and label all the on street parking in our road. One spot each.
I'd also go and steal the keys of the mad Dacia Duster driver, slow down it's a residential street with lots of children!

I agree with a variety of torture methods on pavement cyclists. Especially the ones who ding their bells and expect you to jump out of their way. No, you should be on the road and I'm not moving. Thumb screws for you!

I'd also develop an opiate habit.

IGiorni what a a twat. Why do they do that?

You have all inspired me to come up with better ones.

I'd rule that no stranger was ever allowed to sit near me.

I'm take lots of drugs and ban alcohol

Clear any public space of people should I want

Exile anyone for ever saying the phrase "simples"

Ban anyone not on a work lunch break or similar time time restriction from entering any supermarket between 12-2 on weekdays.

Crush the cars and take away licences of anyone who refuses to use both lanes at roadworks. If they actively block people from merging I turn, they have to stand at the merge point wearing a big placard saying "I am a traffic jam-creating bellend"

I would tell a lot of people how I feel about their behaviour and where to go. Also there's this ex that thinks he's a nice normal person. He's not he's sex pest a bully and abusive I would let his friends know. Also I would laugh in a lot peoples faces.

1. Tell everyone who wears perfume and aftershave that they are giving me migraines and I think they’re totally selfish to want to inflict their favorite brand of chemicals on everyone around them.

1. Shoot anyone who habitually pulls up to a roundabout in the left lane, indicates right and goes straight on.

1. Tell anyone (mainly my mother) that says “I’m not a very confident driver” who refuses to reverse or overtake that they shouldn’t be on the road, it’s a privilege not a right!

Have slow and fast walking lanes EVERYWHERE

Fine parents for smoking whilst pushing prams or have babies in slings you are GRIM

I’d ban inset days as they fuck up my working and studying

Hmmm. I want a kinder society that works, the me me me stuff is so short sighted so;

Free community child drop in centres with daily ongoing groups and stay for breakfast or lunch set ups. All parents welcome with child newborn - school age. Activities going on you can join in if you want or you can sprawl on the couch and drink coffee. Hugs offered on entrance and exit.

Mandatory library provision, particularly in the most deprived areas. Full time staffed library service including computer time, preschool provision, and adult skills workshops. School trips to libraries, church concerts, museums and galleries to teach children from all demographics about the free adventures they can have and how to get there safely. Life lessons in school - diet, cooking, childcare, housekeeping, budgeting, finance, yoga, martial arts, mechanics, relationships, health and safety, hygiene. The same lessons should be taught in prisons.

National service for all - 1 day a month (split however you want it) to contribute so pick up litter, cup of tea with elderly neighbour, pta chaperone, soup kitchen, community garden, farming, anything that gives to your community. Companies could organise this during the working day so eg tesco could include time for staff to pack and carry groceries to the car for those who could do with the help or take a tea break with a lonely person sitting in the cafe.

1 tax level across the board, removes all the hiding places abused by the rich and levels the field. Companies no longer allowed to launder money out of countries without contributing to social development and services. CEOs no longer allowed to escape tax via bonus etc. A legal limit to the gap between highest and lowest earners in any industry. Abolish gig culture and bring back worker's rights including carers who should be entitled to minimum wage. Use the single tax level transparently to care for the vulnerable properly - NHS/social care/benefits system/police/legal aid. Enforce a disabled person's living wage/benefit so no household with disability is in poverty. Same goes for single parent households at absent parent's cost, reward residential parents for keeping it real.

Driving test and license plate system for cyclists with hefty fines or bans for no lights, jackass cycling and endangerment of pedestrians.

Dog wardens, mandatory training and pet licensing with an exam. Way way to many people have no clue what they are doing with their animals and it is cruel.

Ban David Walliams for being creepy.
Ban Micheal Morpurgo for being morose.

Oh and no more international ownership of unoccupied property, fuck that, people need homes.

iamxx your list is great but most of them aren't unreasonable things. It is supposed to be the things that you know as very unreasonable fir you to want but you want them anyway.

bigpink having never heard of it before, this is the second time today for someone to mentionhaving an issue with scent. How horrible that it triggers migraines. Is it considered an allergy? Howon earth have I never come across this before. I very rarely wear perfume but it hate to cause someone pain for something so trivial.

@WingsofNylon thank you, most people aren’t so understanding. I’ve mentioned it to people at work before in a “it’s nothing personal it’s just the chemicals affect me, would you mind not wearing so much perfume” kind of way and people get REALLY offended, a lot of people feel their perfume is a part of who they are. To be fair if someone is wearing one squirt of a light perfume it wouldn’t be too bad, it’s the people who seem to walk around in a cloud of Chanel that give me instant migraines.

I haven’t always had it, the dr said it’s probably some polips in my nose putting pressure on the nerve that causes it but there isn’t much they can do about it, I just carry ibuprofen everywhere and take 2 as soon as I smell it.

Every man who says women need to be self aware to stop assaults will be slapped with a fish 1000 times for every time they have said it

Racists will be made to wear a sign saying they are racist and people will be allowed to throw fruit at them

Every time a bus or train is late the owner, senior management etc of the franchise will be charged £1000, let’s see how fast they would have it running on time.

Stop everyone from flapping around and make people say things directly without anyone taking offence and using this weeks buzz words in the work place would be banned !!

No new teaching fads let’s have play, reading, writing and phonics !! No management targets no sats, no baseline assessments, no bloody mindfulness sessions, no mind storms or planning in the moment or 50000 other random things people implement

I would shove my neighbours wind chimes where the sun don't shine.
I would ship another neighbour to anywhere that isn't here.
I would do something very painful to ex husbands new wife ( cos she's a bitch, not OW )

Tell my friends daughter to take all her slap off cos she’s beautiful without it

Tell my mum and sister to stop being self righteous t*ats

To sleep with a bloke I know who I have a sneaky ‘thing’ for 🙈

.
Fart openly whenever I needed to without embarrassment.

Tell everyone I hate to fuck off.

Punch said hated people in the face.

Make it illegal for Colleen Nolan (most of the fuckety fucks off loose women), Liam Payne, The Geordie Whore lot & most reality tv people to ever utter a single word again.

Ban anyone from talking on train before 9am

Ban all wheels cases from mainline London stations

Remove the driving licences of any driver who annoys me

Demolish my next door neighbours house so they have to move away. Actually maybe I’d just illegally possess it and sell it to the nicest people I could find then use the money to have a nice holiday.
I’d let their cat stay though - she’s quite nice.

Tell a colleague to do one ,stuck up mare that she is ( I’m too polite to say anything to anybody though, no backbone)