My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

[Piecatcher]

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

I love the old bag and I think she thinks she is doing the right thing to be honest . My sister doesn't have children so I guess she sees it as a fair split .. the thing is I was in the room with her ( helping her ) when we sorted out power of attorney and even the solicitor was a bit aghast .. ah well.

I feel so much for you. The same thing happened to my mum, in the end, my grandmother was so bitter she actually wrote in the will ‘I’ve always hated you and you get nothing’ it was devastating for my mum who had paid for private nurses to care for her in her final months. The hardest thing was that her sisters didn’t contribute anything towards her care, time or money, they all knew GM was going to disinherit mum for no reason and all agreed that in the end they would split everything equally. Unfortunately, when Wills are read people get greedy and forget.... as did in this case, mum got some money and promptly handed it all over to charity, didn’t want to keep a penny or the tainted money, her sisters continue to live with themselves, not happily ever after.

I really do feel for OP.

Completely agree that this is about control and emotional abuse (whether intended or incidental to someone mishandling a long-awaited bit of perceived power), this is isn't about not greed. It takes a special kind of narcissist to vocalise all of this, too. If they feel they must disinherit, they should just do as they need do and that's that.

I have a grandmother who all of my childhood threatened my mother with disinheriting her and leaving it all to me and my siblings instead. My mother was young when she had us, and this created unnecessary additional tensions. When the siblings and I grew older, the same was used on us by the very same grandmother. The perceived misdemeanours were a bit arbitrary and ranged from serious ones like an affair (not mine) to asking for an old family photo to be posted rather than picking it up. Now the threat is that the money and some much-loved family heirlooms will go to younger cousins. I've slowly disengaged from it all over the years, which is sad but it is the only way I feel I can cope.

My own mother left no will at all, deliberately, having said for decades that when she goes she doesn't care what happens to any of us one way or another and we can all quietly sink without her for all she cares. There was always a strong undertone of us being ungrateful along with other emotional abuse. However of course probate law dictates that in these situtions family does get something, and I never knew whether she knew that and was just all talk. I've always thought this was somehow connected to the way she herself had been treated, or perhaps it's just another form of narcissism.

OP - as others have said, the key is to protect yourself and your family unit from the toxic elements of all this. You really haven't done anything wrong.

Be nice to your daughter... she will choose your care home!

Whilst I have every sympathy for OP, and anyone else who is treated unfairly by a parent, I am sickened by the oft repeated comments about choosing care homes. The thrust of the argument appears to be that the undeserving parent will be put in a care home where he or she may be, at best lonely and, at worst, the subject of sustained neglect or abuse, so the offended child will have their revenge. Who thinks like that? Not a kind or civilised human being, for sure. It's spiteful and cruel, to say the least.

The thrust of the argument appears to be that the undeserving parent will be put in a care home where he or she may be, at best lonely and, at worst, the subject of sustained neglect or abuse, so the offended child will have their revenge. Who thinks like that? Not a kind or civilised human being, for sure. It's spiteful and cruel, to say the least.

I disagree I doubt anyone would wish loneliness or abuse in anyone let alone their parents. It's about looking at it from the childs point of view.

I care for my mum, without me shopping, cleaning and making her meals she would have to into a home. It's hard work and time consuming helping her, especially in addition to working full time and looking after my kids, and if she had the attitude of wanting to hurt me by saying she'll disinherit me then I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to help her.

It's horrible when money is used as a weapon in this way, it's so hurtful. These days it's pointless as well, as so often there is no inheritance as the money ends up being spent on care home fees now we're all living longer. So I really wouldn't rise to it. If your DM gets no rise from you, hopefully she'll let it drop.

It's also up to you how much you subject yourself to this. She's toxic and you really don't have to put up with it.

My DM uses money as a weapon as well. She doesn't threaten to cut us out, she just likes to help us out and then use it to exercise control over us. I've worked out that it's best not to talk to her about money at all so that she isn't able to get involved in our life.

I suspect there's more to this story. Why would a mother suddenly disinherit one of her children for no reason?

My DH's brother was disinherited from his mother's will. He told everyone what a nasty, cruel, vindictive person his mother was as she had written him out of her will, for no reason at all. Everyone believed him.

It turns out that he never visited or called his mother unless he wanted money. Over 2 years she gave him over £15,000. He didn't speak to her for a few years after. Then he turned up at her house and told her to leave everything in her will to him. He left with another couple of thousand pounds, stolen from his mother's savings tin. From then on he badgered her about changing her will so her entire estate would be left to him.

My DH had a very upset MIL call him to go round to hers. It seems this had been going on for years. BIL had been around, that day, telling her he was taking her to solicitors to make a new will. Luckily, her granddaughter had called to see her and BIL left.

We often thought it was very strange that MIL had told him she had disinherited him. And then it all became clear.

I'm not suggesting OP has done anything similar BTW but it would be very strange for a mother to disinherit one child for no reason at all.

is this a zombie thread ?

Yes it is.

it would be very strange for a mother to disinherit one child for no reason at all. Maybe have a read through some of the posts on "We took you to stately homes" thread.

Wendy, Just because your MIL is a vulnerable old woman with a toxic and financially controlling bully for a son does not mean OP has done anything wrong!

Narcissistic Mothers are toxic and enjoy using whatever they have to control and manipulate their daughters, sons/ dil! Some Mothers are downright cruel in their treatment of their children!

I am unsure why you felt the need to search the internet/ this forum for any posts on disinheritment (then picked this one which was originally posted months ago!) just to say that the OP’ Mum must be a poor hard done by Mother and the OP an abuser/ thief/ terrible daughter.

Anyway ZOMBIE THREAD

Mother is doing this to me. After abusing me through my childhood this is the only thing she can use to attempt to exert power and control. Narc bitch.

It's desperately upsetting though, and at times in the dead of night I lie here wondering what I did wrong in my childhood, and why she still has to try to control me. (I'm 40).

Thanks to her my self-worth, and self-esteem have been in the gutter all my life, the scars on my arms a constant reminder of what she has done to me.

I'd think it's the control she perceives she exerts over you that's driving this. If you have a good relationship besides this, it might be worth getting your parents together and attempting to discuss it.

Deep-down, I think you know this is about power and control, especially if there have been other incidences. Your father isn't helping either.

Remember, beside every narcissist is an (often) passive enabler.

How do people even find these old threads to post on anyway?

I am considering writing a Will. I will be taking into account how I have been treated. I dont think blood relatives are always the people who treat us the best.

I often wonder how old threads get reactivated. .. but @Piecatcher - how are thing's?

I'd also tell her to shove her will up the highest end of her cake hole.
But I've no patience lol so am destined to remain destitute.

You've got this! You can go it alone. You don't have the money and you will never get a shilling so proceed on that basis. If you still want to proceed with having a relationship, then it's on an equal footing as they can't fuck with you over money anymore.

And yet it's still a Zombie thread

Hi everyone! I just wanted to come back with an update and ask another AIBU.

I haven’t spoken to my mum since the original incident but made it clear to her she was welcome to phone me at any time to talk about it. She’s never phoned but I did have contact with her over Christmas when she told me that it was all just a joke, I’ve completely over reacted and she accepts no responsibility for the problems caused. So my new AIBU is, AIBU to remain no contact until she is willing to come to me and discuss this? The problem is I’ve got a feeling I’ll be waiting a while. How would you proceed in this situation?

IMO No Contact is the way forward... permanently.

I think you’re doing the right thing. It sounds like her ‘jokes’ are intended to hurt you and why would you want someone in your life like that?

Have you had contact with your dad, or has there been any wider fall out? Does your mum seem bothered? You would expect a mum to be devastated to have no contact with a child.

@Piecatcher - no contact at all.
You can't joke about things like that. You just can't. That's twatism and wankerism of the business class kind.

Shes never going to discuss this honestly with you. She will continue to claim it's all a joke. Do you know what prompted her to get back in touch? Has something else happened in her life?

If you are relatively happy with the nc, just carry on. She knows where you are.