My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

[Piecatcher]

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

It was all A joke?! Some bloody joke!!

I really don’t get why you’re angry when your children will be inheriting your share and your sister will be inheriting directly (as she has no children).

She’s not disinherited you. She’s leaving your share to your kids . To stop talking to your parent over this is appalling of you.

Have you spoken to your father during the last six months too, or is he on your shit list too?

She’s nuts.

How does she think it’s funnt?

I feel for you op

A joke is meant to be enjoyed by both sides. It is in no way funny and wasn’t intended as a joke. I would keep my distance. How awful for you, OP.

@purpleelk read the OP's posts properly.

@Piecatcher, I would remain NC with her and start counseling to help grieve the loss of the relationship.

If it was really just a joke and you didn't find it funny then most people's normal reaction would be to apologise for upsetting you. She wanted to upset you and I expect she's over the moon that she's managed to get to you. At least now you won't have to worry about arranging her care homes and stuff.

If you give in now, you will have shown her that she can say absolutely anything she wants to you and you will take it.

A joke! It sounds like my FIL who is the only person that laughs at his own as they are usually cruel and directed at a specific individual. Its really up to you now whether you continue NC. She has told you its a joke. So you can either accept that and ensure that going forward that you don't expect it raised again in jest or otherwise or wait for the big apology....which I don't think will come....so it really is down to you.

Stay as you are; essentially nothing has changed.

Does being NC work for you? If so then yes let it continue.

I think you have regained a bit of control in this relationship OP. Keep doing what you’re doing.

and fully intended to care for them in their own age.

Perhaps you should pull back from that. A friend had her mother living with from a year or so after she married, in her twenties. You can imagine how difficult that was, but she's a very gentle person. When the mother died, forty years later, she left the bulk of her estate to the daughter who'd been horrible to her, probably on the grounds of that daughter's chaotic lifestyle. But it was terribly hurtful for the daughter who'd looked after her for so many years. She told me that when she heard the will read out, all she heard was "your mother didn't love you". It caused a permanent rift between her and her sister.

I would stay no contact.

And I don’t buy the ‘I was just joking’ shite she is dishing out either. I accept that sometimes people make ill judged jokes that cause hurt not amusement in the other person - we are human and make mistakes. But anyone who has even the slightest amount of empathy is sorry if they accidentally hurt someone. It doesn’t sound as if she gives a single fuck about the hurt her ‘joke’ gave you, OP - if she did, she would have said sorry, and would have been sorry. She didn’t - all she did was to make it your fault for not getting the joke.

I know that there can be a difference between equal and equitable when it comes to inheritances. My sister and her dh have no children. She has one sister (me) and her dh has a brother. A number of years ago, my sister rang me to explain their wills - her BIL has some ongoing disabilities as a result of a car accident, so they have decided to split their estate with more going to him, because he needs and will need more support than I do. But it was all discussed with great tact and sensitivity - it is an example of how it is possible to have this sort of discussion without causing hurt, whereas what the OP’s mother did was clearly designed to be nasty and cause as much hurt as possible.

Fuck this for game of soldiers
Do you want this miserable abusibe woman in your life?

That's a very spiteful way of her saying this is all your fault for overreacting I think. Reading back over the OP it seems she has form on this and if you haven't been upset at the NC then to crack on.

Did you tell her jokes are meant to be funny. What she said was cruel. I would keep no contact until she apologised. Do you still have contact with your dad?

I would stay NC. And if they trot out this “it was only a joke” BULLSHIT again, I would baldly ask them “in what way was that a joke?”. Then they will come back wth the “oh you are too sensitive” bollocks and you will know where you stand. Utterly vile bullies.

This is a hard one to answer.

A. Does she realise the joke was not funny but is too stubborn to admit it.
If it's this I'd leave it. Your point has been made and hopefully it won't happen again.

B. Does she think the joke is genuinely funny and her reply is an honest answer.
If she doesn't get it she never will. She is ignorant of people's feelings and there's no point dragging it on but she needs an outright - don't do this again please.

C. Does she know this will hurt and does it to be mean or abusive.
You need her to see she is wrong and I would not contact her until she apologised and made amends.

Forget about any money, just think which you are happiest with contact or no contact. If she thinks it's right to treat you like she has then to me it's no contact.

Why on earth were you intending to care for these people in their old age when they've got a history of emotional abuse? Please don't bow down to their pressure.

They’re my parents and despite the history I still care about them. I don’t like not speaking to them but I don’t see how we can go back to how we were before after this. My dad has taken my mums side and is angry with me. I’m struggling to understand their point of view.

they are a pair of KNOBS lovely, you have been treated badly

My lovely parents would be horrified at the idea of deliberately hurting their kids by way of 'jokes'. I'm sorry to say that your parents aren't lovely, and don't deserve you.

Sorry I haven't rtft (which I usually disapprove of). This happened to me only my "D"M wasn't going to tell me. My sister told me when M became unwell and I was rushing around after her and considering paying for her to go private. My DSis tried to get her to change her mind, suggested she leave me something and I spelled out to her our situation and told her how hurtful it was. She was adamant and would not change it because "you don't need it". I continued to put myself out to see her for a while to support my sister and because she was unwell. Once she was better I tried again but she would not budge. I had to suck it up and worked hard not to let it spoil my relationship with my sister, which M would have loved as she hated how close we are. When she died I had stopped seeing her but only for a few weeks. It can still make me angry if I think about it so I try not to. You have my sympathy. I think jealousy is at the bottom of it

"AIBU to remain no contact until she is willing to come to me and discuss this?"

Yes, that would be unreasonable. You would NBU to go no contact, if you chose. You would NBU to see her if you chose. You would NBU to raise your own discussion with her or anyone else. You WBVU to try to manipulate the situation , so that she must come to you to raise a discussion of your choice.

"The problem is I’ve got a feeling I’ll be waiting a while."

Yes, I do too. Which is fair enough, given the unreasonability of manipulation.

"How would you proceed in this situation?"

First of all decide if you wish to go no contact, or not.

Whichever you decide, then tell your parents (in person, by email, by letter, however you are comfortable doing)

1. That you really, really don't mind how they distribute their estate - be it that they spend it; leave it to your sister & your children; leave it to your sister entirely; or even leave it to the local cat rescue - you really don't mind!
2. What you do mind is hurtful jokes that seem to be emphasising how far down the 'love' pecking order you are! While it's fair that they should have their own preferences, it is not fair that you should be made to hear those preferences.

Either 3 (if you want to go NC). That you have therefore decided you'd rather not see them, but you wish them well. Or 4 (if you don't want to go NC). That you would therefore like to ask them not to mention their estate to you again, to accept that you are a 100% happy for them to do with it what they wish, and are 100% happy for them to make all their future financial and care plans with your sister.

That's how I think you should proceed.

I think you have regained a bit of control in this relationship OP. Keep doing what you’re doing

I'd agree with this. Terrible.