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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

379 replies

Piecatcher · 15/06/2018 20:32

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 16/06/2018 09:30

My dad never cut contact though and does a lot for him even now. I think if you do that it will (rightly or wrongly) look like all you were in contact for was money. If you don't need it it doesn't really matter.

Original poster
Piecatcher · 16/06/2018 09:32

alreadytaken

I’m sorry but I disagree with your assessment. Trying out an option would surely involve sitting down like adults and discussing this. Not interrupting me on the phone to tell me and giving me no chance to express my opinion on the matter without calling me a money grabber?

OP posts:
Juells · 16/06/2018 09:33

Your father is enabling her to hurt you, for no reason. I wouldn't allow myself to be a handy target for whenever she feels like lashing out. I would tell my father he was an enabler, though, before going NC.

Shockers · 16/06/2018 09:35

@Fuglywitch, as an adoptive mum with a birth child also, that has made me really sad for you (I know you don’t want me to though). Flowers

Mrsramsayscat · 16/06/2018 09:36

Unless I've missed something, which I may have, can't you just ask her why?

stargirl1701 · 16/06/2018 09:37

Are you in Scotland? If so, you cannot be disinherited.

Original poster
Piecatcher · 16/06/2018 09:37

mrsramsayscat
If I question her I get accused of being a money grabber. If I ask my dad I get accused of being too sensitive.

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 16/06/2018 09:53

money-grabbing is such a good insult to stop people from expecting courtesy or fairness.

Isn't it just. There are some quite spectacularly obtuse people on this thread.

GoldenFlaps · 16/06/2018 09:59

There is a history of emotional abuse from my mum

I haven't read the whole thread, only your posts OP, so pardon me if this has already been said but this told me all I need to know. It's not about the money, she wanted to hurt you. If it were me I'd either call her up on it and ask her why she wants to hurt you (don't mention the money, it's not really about that) or cut or reduce contact. It's quite common for the one who does more for or sees more of the parents to be treated more poorly than the one who does SFA for them. The fact that your father is making so light of it must hurt you all the more Flowers

Aridane · 16/06/2018 10:07

Sorry your mother has hurt you.

However, at the end of,the day, she has just skipped a generation and give. The bequests to,the DCs.

Your DS doesn’t have DCs so it’s not like for like

TheVastMajority · 16/06/2018 10:09

If I question her I get accused of being a money grabber. If I ask my dad I get accused of being too sensitive.

are you me?

I'm a family scapegoat and Ive had this all my life. Never mind that when the chips were down, I coughed up the £££ cash to fix it, only to be told by the golden child that I couldnt fix everything by throwing money around....

When mum died, she did not leave me so much as a bracelet or an earring. But golden child could take whatever they wanted. Hey ho, I never expected to receive anything, but I would have liked something for my daughter.

I think you have to emotionally detach from the issue. Accept what she had planned with a cheery "righty-ho, whatever you think best" and don't engage. And just go quietly reduced contact, don't make a big statement or huff, just drift away. Stop calling them to facilitate the relationship.

All the time you are chasing a relationship, you open yourself to accusations and abuse. STep away. If they call, be polite but distant. Have a list handy of things you are up to every time they want to see you. Get busy!

Oldraver · 16/06/2018 10:16

My Mum has been pulling this shit for years but mostly over 'items' they are leaving. She has been constantly telling me what she is leaving to my my brother instead of myself (items traditionally left to the mothers daughter). As in your case OP it isn't about not getting an inheritence it's about the deliberately setting out to hurt you and going on and on about it.

There are other items she has for years said will be mine (I dont respond when she is whittling on) that she is now saying will go to someone else. Again it's about the manipulation and I know she hates that I dont get all offended when she's waffling on.

I've told her I dont want anything left to me, and refuse to discuss when she brings wills etc in a conversation. though recently I have taken to saying "I hope you have some put by for your care home" Shuts her right up

fc301 · 16/06/2018 10:33

OP I completely sympathise. It's deliberately hurtful and any emotional response on your part is inconvenient, unacknowledged or deliberately misconstrued (eg money grabbing & too sensitive).
I reached 40 then attempted to tackle them on their deliberately callous treatment of me. I didn't go well. Cue 5 years of pain.
Given my experience I would echo PP advice. Get busy, limit contact, don't chase the relationship.
You won't be able to change them so put yourself first 💐

Ariela · 16/06/2018 10:37

I would simply have said 'I wasn't expecting an inheritance, as likely that'll have all gone to pay for your care home.'
Or 'You can do do what you like with your money it isn't of concern to me so long as there's enough to pay for your funeral'

RedForFilth · 16/06/2018 11:10

My Mum has been pulling this shit for years but mostly over 'items' they are leaving. She has been constantly telling me what she is leaving to my my brother instead of myself my friend had similar. She just looked at her mum and said "why would you think I want any of your old stuff? Please don't leave it to me as it will end up in the tip love"

InsomniacAnonymous · 16/06/2018 11:14

Regingaphalange "I think you are completely and utterly BU. I'M in the minority..... my kids are my everything and so are my siblings..
They deserve inheritance..
Why are you so much entitled????"

The OP is fully entitled to be upset by her mother's determination to hurt her! That's the point. Not the money.

Sprogletsmuvva · 16/06/2018 11:24

What hurts me is the way she’s gone about it. I phoned to make an arrangement to visit them this weekend only to be told not to expect inheritance hmm

This is the point that many posters seem to be missing.

There are many ‘fair’ ways of dividing up an inheritance. There is a legitimate argument that the giver doesn’t even have to justify their rationale, since a “gift “ is just that. What is wrong is just landing the issue in the middle of something irrelevant.

Person A rings person B to discuss a social arrangement, person B tells them a completely irrelevant money issue. How is it then A who’s money-obsessed Confused?

Juells · 16/06/2018 13:33

@Oldraver
I've told her I dont want anything left to me, and refuse to discuss when she brings wills etc in a conversation. though recently I have taken to saying "I hope you have some put by for your care home" Shuts her right up

lol that's the way to do it! Grin

RoadToRivendell · 16/06/2018 13:38

That's pretty cold, OP. Sorry to hear this.

Your sister doesn't have children, maybe they're trying to establish some inter-generational wealth? Wild speculation, I know.

Do they generally think you're irresponsible with money?

Is it a life-changing sum?

MarshaBradyo · 16/06/2018 13:42

Incredibly hurtful. Wth would they do this
Yanbu

ny20005 · 16/06/2018 13:55

You can go two ways - no contact just get busy & don't phone or visit them

Other option - just laugh & mention care home & funeral costs

Not sure I'd want to be around someone who wanted to hurt me on purpose though

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 16/06/2018 13:58

I'm sorry OP, what an awful situation.
If you operate from a position of whatever you do it'll be wrong in your parents eyes, then do what you think is right, you have nothing to lose!
If you quip back or react you'll be playing into your mothers hands, if it's a reaction she wants.
They've put you in this position, but you have the choice to walk away from it and/or take controL of the situation.
In your shoes, I'd ignore the issue completely and reduce contact. If inheritance or money is mentioned, say oh ok, or sometime boring/non-reactive and change the subject. Repeat as necessary.
It's not about the money, I 100% get that.

SciFiFan2015 · 16/06/2018 16:30

It's not about the money. If you want to stay in touch you need a coping strategy (or several) lots have been suggested here. My Granny was always telling people they were in and out of her will. I was the golden grandchild. I handled it by saying I didn't want anything, that she should use it all in her lifetime and by showing that I really wasn't bothered by it meant she couldn't control me with it. A few other family members caught on and soon we were all telling her we weren't interested in the will and that she should spend it while she lived. It really helped. No concerns over the will meant we could all enjoy each other's company. Granny lost the power battle.
Talk to you sister, make a plan, decide what matters most to you and work towards that.

hendricksy · 16/06/2018 16:43

I haven't read the whole thread but my mum has done the same with me . She has split it half to my sister and half to my two children . I do so much for my mum and she treats me like this . I have just accepted this is how it is . Her logic was she was splitting it equally and I don't need it 🙄..

Miladamermalada · 16/06/2018 16:47

So don't do anything for her Hendrick.
It isn't normal behaviour.
I know a woman that did this. The golden child is getting (more than-some of it is hidden) half, and the scapegoat isn't getting it in cash because she dared to take out a loan for her partner about 20 years ago 'because she doesn't respect money'. So she is being bypassed other than some small house improvements which golden child will pay for to avoid any financial freedom. The rest is going to the grandchildren who have made equally shit decisions with men.
Scapegoat child accepts this and blindly does what her mum says. Golden child feels it is justified.
Nasty piece of work the mother. And that dynamic would shift 100% if golden child dared to challenge or fall out with her mother. Suddenly, scapegoat would be the favourite.