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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

379 replies

Piecatcher · 15/06/2018 20:32

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 16/06/2018 08:10

As pps have said reply with "that reminds me, what coffin do you want" and if she persists start talking about care homes.

She'll soon stop mentioning inheritance as she won't like the direction the conversation goes. Keep it lighthearted and don't give a shit. If she really wants to leave you nothing sounds like there's nothing you can do about it, but hopefully she is "just joking" 🙄

ForalltheSaints · 16/06/2018 08:13

Whatever you decide, remember that it is not a dispute with your dad and keep him in your life as before, as much as is possible.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/06/2018 08:17

Effendi
Be careful then. Your mother could easily flip against you as well. I was the favoured one for a few years - or perhaps just treated nicely. I was in such fog that I couldn’t tell otherwise. It was such a relief. But it didn’t last.

TheVastMajority · 16/06/2018 08:17

My wealthy, elderly, childless aunt likes to write people out of her will on a regular basis. I listen sympathetically and suggest she leaves it to the cats protection....As it is, my cousin will get the lions share as he has taken care of her for years. Quite right too.

OP, I like these two responses....

DesignStatement

Tell her in front of your dad

'you are my mum and you can love me or hurt me. You've chosen to hurt me - even after your death. It's not about the money, it's about you choosing to use money to hurt your own daughter. It's your choice. I'm your daughter. You've chosen money over me'

and

missingstreetlife
This will cause a family rift, is that how she wants to be remembered. A nice person would want to leave everyone safe and united.

BipolarSunset · 16/06/2018 08:22

Just a thought so bare with me...

Does your sister have kids? If not could it be that DM is giving her inheritance to the grandkids. It’s not as if she’s leaving you with nothing, she is leaving your two DS’ with a lump sum that would help them.
She could’ve given it all to your sister.

On the other hand if your sister has kids and she’s giving her inheritance than I would be a bit peeved.

Original poster
Piecatcher · 16/06/2018 08:27

My sister does not have kids. I am now wondering if IABU to feel hurt as she’s made it clear that my sons will be receiving a lot of money. My parents are very well off. Perhaps it’s the way she went about telling me that’s upset me, it was completely unprovoked and I only phoned to make an arrangement to visit them this weekend.

I am so confused and I have no idea what to do. If I act on it I will be accused of money grabbing which really upsets me as I don’t feel that’s fair. But if I don’t I’m leaving myself open to being hurt again and again just like they do now.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 16/06/2018 08:29

Who on earth by-passes one child in favour of other child or Gc?

It’s not nice, it’s not normal and don’t go feeling guilty about feeling confused. She’s the one to blame.

TroysMammy · 16/06/2018 08:35

I've been told that my parent's will is going to be split 3 ways between me, my sister and her daughter. I don't have children and my niece is an only child of an only child of wealthy parents.

I don't really understand my parent's reasons but I'm financially secure myself and my 8 year old niece will probably never have to work.

TheVastMajority · 16/06/2018 08:41

OP I do think you need to say something along the lines of ....leave it to whoever you want, but don't expect me to continue to offer you love and support when you are deliberately and maliciously setting out to use that decision to hurt me and create a huge rift between sister and I after your deaths.

Id also mention that this decision will forever colour their grandchildrens memories of them.

I can remember from my childhood how a friends grandparent left money to a favourite grandchild and nothing to the other. Siblings. Her legacy was not so much the money, but that people who didnt even know her knew her to be a vindictive, cruel harridan.

Screaminginsideme · 16/06/2018 08:42

Maybe because she is splitting the inheritance bewtten your children and your sister her logic is ‘your’ share is going to your kids?!?

Don’t Let her use it as a weapon. That is a nasty thing to do.

pissedonatrain · 16/06/2018 08:43

My mum did this and she didn't have all that much to leave anyone. She just kept stirring up trouble between me and my 2 siblings trying to hold it over our heads.

She passed away and we found out about so many lies and evil things she did. She had us fighting after she died. She must have been loving that.

Finally after things calmed down, the 3 of us sat down and talked about everything growing up and just everything. We ended up splitting what she left evenly among us and we've never fought since.

So refuse to engage with her manipulative bs.

Usernameunknown2 · 16/06/2018 08:46

Does she normally play control games? This isnt about a monetary value, its about saying that she favours your siblings and thinks you are selfish.

Talk to your dad but i would tell your mum you don't want her money, you are hurt she would favour your siblings and should save it for her elderly years.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 16/06/2018 08:48

A lot of people bypass DC to give money to GCs, thanks to the housing crisis they see it will make more difference to grandchildren starting on the property ladder than their parents who are more financially secure, especially if it's being spread across many GC. I wonder if the Op owns her own home and her sister doesn't.

However this aside it does sound as if her DM is using her inheritance as a weapon against her own child which is awful and ironically money obsessed.

alreadytaken · 16/06/2018 08:51

only one person here was present, the rest are making assumptions and a lot are overlooking that the OP's children will benefit while the sister doesnt have any. It is clearly not the case that one family benefits more than the other.

Sometimes elderly people will tell you what they are planning to see how you react and if it matters to you. Your mother has seen that it does and you want the money to go to you rather than the, probably more tax efficient, leaving it your children. I'd see that as money grabbing too, although I wouldnt have expressed it in that way.

Both mine and my husband's parents tried out what they intended on us to see if we would be upset. In both cases we told them we didnt need anything.

Helmetbymidnight · 16/06/2018 08:52

‘I’m giving your sister money, and I’m giving your children money, but not you, you’re not nice.’

How is this not a massive kick in the face?

I would clarify if this is the case and if so I’d never speak to her again.

Helmetbymidnight · 16/06/2018 08:59

money-grabbing is such a good insult to stop people from expecting courtesy or fairness.

Jackyjill6 · 16/06/2018 09:04

If inheritance is being split 3 ways, to OP's sister and OP's DC, then surely the sister could potentially be upset, as there is a larger share going to OP's family than hers?

It's a minefield..

ADarkandStormyKnight · 16/06/2018 09:07

Why is this 'money-grabbing'?

The ideal scenario would be for families to actually discuss this sensibly, consider a few 'what if' scenarios, get expert advice, and look at inheritance tax issues at the same time. Its just good sense.

alreadytaken · 16/06/2018 09:18

‘I’m giving your sister money, and I’m giving your children money, but not you, you’re not nice.’

Not what we are told was said. Mother tried out an option, daughter was unhappy, mother doesnt like the response. Sorry you cant see the difference.

Helmetbymidnight · 16/06/2018 09:23

sorry you can’t see the difference

Wow. Very passive aggressive.

Why not try reading the op? That is what has happened.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/06/2018 09:24

Hard though it is, I would disengage with the topic. Practice some deflecting answers so you have a script:-
“Your money; your choice. Now about xyz...”
“Yes you’ve mentioned before. So what time on Sunday...”
Laugh and say “I asked you what type of cake to bring not your intended testamentary disposition!”

Helmetbymidnight · 16/06/2018 09:26

She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish

Thats not normal loving parenting and I’d suggest posters who are arguing it is ‘have issues.’

Original poster
Piecatcher · 16/06/2018 09:27

Sister and I both own our own homes. I don’t feel that there’s anything else I can add here that I haven’t said already. I would be delighted for my sons to receive some money when they’re older and really I don’t need the inheritance myself.

What hurts me is the way she’s gone about it. I phoned to make an arrangement to visit them this weekend only to be told not to expect inheritance Hmm

It’s been said to cause hurt and unfortunately it’s worked. I’m now going to reevaluate my relationship with them and decide whether or not I want to maintain contact. It’s not about money, it’s about wanting to feel like part of my own family and her comments show that they do not see me as equal to everyone else.

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 16/06/2018 09:27

Just tell her to crack on! Don't bother asking why, it won't change things anyway. Your kids will be looked after so that's a positive.
My grandfather was going to give each of his sons different amounts due to how much value he put on their lifestyles! My dad was due to get the largest but he didn't agree with the unfairness so he told him to shove it up his arse!

llangennith · 16/06/2018 09:29

My DM was always cutting either my sister or I out of her will. When she died her will left things equally between us. My sister then found an unsigned will drawn up a few weeks earlier leaving everything to me. DM was a bitch to us both but my sister was very upset that our DM could have done this.