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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ignored my neighbour?

251 replies

Cheery1004 · 15/06/2018 16:26

I've lived in my property for just over a year now. He is in the house next to mine. Over the year we have just exchanged a couple of hellos.
His ora just unsettles me.

Recently I pulled up he was outside I walked around to get.my son in the car, he hi. I got my son out turned around and he was waiting in his drive for me. Started going on about my son getting bigger.

A few weeks back I pulled up and I sent a quick text he tapped on my window and asked if I could help jump start his car. I said yes obviously as it was the nice thing to do. We couldn't get it started and he said something was wrong with my connection (it werent) so someone else pulled up and I asked him if he could help after saying to my neighbour numerous times oh maybe he can help you. As my son was asleep in the car and it was a hot day! I felt like he could have asked other people pulling up.
He then said thanks and he would trim my garden for me. I just said Thanks but not to worry that's not needed.

My DF then put up a gate for me and DS. He popped up and peered over the fence, spoke a tiny bit but was mainly being nosy. He then commented about me doing hard graft like he knew me. Both my parents said they felt awkward and he reminded them of a creepy relative we have. I agreed because that is who he reminds me of!
Just now I went outside to empty the Hoover and banged the filter outside for all of 30 secs. He appears at the fence and says if you're gonna bang it bang it and laughed. I just walked off and went inside.

AIBU to have ignored him? I value my privacy. And don't want to feel like every time I go outside he is about to make a comment. He is only a lodger and said he hasn't lived here for long but he was here before I moved in.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/06/2018 17:34

Waiting for your neighbour on your drive because you need to speak to them or have a parcel of theirs or whatever is different to waiting for someone to park up just to say how big their child is getting.

And peering over someone's fence is pretty invasive actually and definitely ok.

I have a great relationship with my neighbour but wouldn't poke my head over their fence.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/06/2018 17:34

Oh god now it's a feminist issue?
You think it isn’t? Hmm

Creambun2 · 15/06/2018 17:38

Are you in a middle class area OP?

Bluntness100 · 15/06/2018 17:39

No I don't remotely think your neighbour talking to you briefly four times in three months is a friggen feminist issue. I talk to the bloke next door. And the one on thr other side. I initiate it. It's normal for neighbours to briefly converse and dare I say it, make an effort to get to know one another,

I know on mumsnet there are a lot of people with phobias, from not answering the door at night, not answering their phones, not liking socialising, but honestly, occasionally talking to your neighbour once a month or so is not abnormal or out there.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/06/2018 17:44

It's normal for neighbours to briefly converse and dare I say it, make an effort to get to know one another,
Yes but conversation and getting to know each other is a ‘consensual transaction’. The OP doesn’t feel that this is.

PickleJuice · 15/06/2018 17:47

OP nothing you describe sounds terrible...but there's a guy on my street who has done nothing other than lend us a hedge trimmer and invite us to a Christmas party who absolutely gives me the creeps. So I get it.

Bluntness100 · 15/06/2018 17:48

I agree with that, she does not wish to converse with him even briefly.

For me, I don't know how to say it politely, but this makes her likely the odd one. You don't need to like your neighbours, but most of us make an effort to be polite every now and again and have a brief chat. She was terribly rude walking away and ignoring him. Unbelievably so.

There is a very High chance she's the one being weird.

If she'd posted he was talking to her daily, or there every time she went out, I'd have a different view. But four times in three months, cmon.

LighthouseSouth · 15/06/2018 17:49

If you sense he's a creep, keep out of his way
If he keeps appearing when you do, I'd comment on it.

That "bang it" comment was not innocent.

lostfrequencies · 15/06/2018 17:57

I'm sorry but you sound really unpleasant.

musicinthe00ssucks · 15/06/2018 18:03

Christ you sound completely joyless and like hard work. I feel sorry for your neighbour having to live next door to a misery like you

Rainbunny · 15/06/2018 18:06

If your instincts make you uncomfortable around him then listen to them. He may be just trying to be friendly but no one can force you to become friends with them against your will (despite the way girls are socialised to be friendly and nice to everyone).

Be polite but also on guard against being drawn into conversations or accepting favours, particularly accepting favours or offers of help from him because then you'll be obligated and it'll be much harder to keep a distance.

I'm sure he's an okay person, perhaps just a bit awkward but don't feel guilty that you don't want to be friends with him and your instinct about him might be something or nothing at all. I've been lucky in my neighbours with one exception years ago when I was a student living in London. A young woman moved in next door and despite my instincts telling me to keep my distance (she was OVERLY friendly and her life seemed to be full of drama), I was friendly anyway and came to regret it massively. Not a day went by when she didn't want to borrow (but never return) something or ask for money of which I hardly had.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/06/2018 18:06

Ffs the OP has spoken to him so is hardly being miserable!

Plus where does it state you have to converse with your neighbours? If you don't feel like doing for whatever reason, surely that's up to the individual.

DiegoMadonna · 15/06/2018 18:06

You think it isn’t?

It isn't. I would say the exact same thing no matter the gender of either party. A neighbour of any gender saying hi and "wow he's grown" about your kid is a 100% normal everyday interaction.

Dieu · 15/06/2018 18:11

He sounds socially awkward, but trying hard anyway. Poor thing. He probably senses that you don't like him, leading him to be even more gauche!

Bluntness100 · 15/06/2018 18:11

Ffs the OP has spoken to him so is hardly being miserable!

Yeah, cause totally ignoring your neighbour when they make a joke in passing is full of joy and neighbourly good will. That's not miserable at all.

Clearly she doesn't need to talk to him. If she wishes to be rude and ignore him when he speaks to her, this is also fine. However pretending what this guy has done on the grand total of four occasions he has spoken to her over the last three months or so is in some way abnormal isn't ok.

Op, do you suffer from some form of social anxiety?

SilverySurfer · 15/06/2018 18:12

He sounds perfectly normal to me, moreso than you to be honest. Whilst reading the thread I was puzzling by WTF 'his ora' was until melonscoffer enlightened us all ]grin]

Original poster
Cheery1004 · 15/06/2018 18:19

I speak to my other neighbour. She is lovely and i will chat to her if I see Her. So in not unsocialable.
He also said is that gate to keep her in or out and laughed. I mean I wouldn't mind if I knew the guy well but I hardly know him to make jokes. Then we were in the kitchen my DF laughed and went no the gate is to keep him out!

So he obviously gives out this 'aura' 😊 (correction)

OP posts:
Coolaschmoola · 15/06/2018 18:21

Oh God! The 80+ year old man across the road sent me a Christmas card last year and then gave me a bowl of berries from his garden because he had too many for just him!!!!!

He's CLEARLY a creep! Confused

Or he's just a perfectly pleasant, neighbourly old chap.

I'm going with the latter. Hmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/06/2018 18:25

Yeah, cause totally ignoring your neighbour when they make a joke in passing is full of joy and neighbourly good will. That's not miserable at all.

What joke? Do you mean the "bang it" joke? I wouldn't have laughed at that either.

user1467232073 · 15/06/2018 18:26

Listen to your instincts, be polite but don’t get drawn in. If he is making you feel uncomfortable with some behaviour or comments think of some pre prepared replies to politely end the situation.

LighthouseSouth · 15/06/2018 18:27

@DiegoMadonna "A neighbour of any gender saying hi and "wow he's grown" about your kid is a 100% normal everyday interaction"

Sure. "If you're gonna bang it, bang it" - still in 100% normal everyday interaction for you?

user1467232073 · 15/06/2018 18:28

Didn’t finish! If he is your neighbour you are going to have to face him though. So a pre thought out possible reply to him in situations may make you appear moreconfident. Try not to let him see that you feel uncomfortable

Bluntness100 · 15/06/2018 18:29

I mean I wouldn't mind if I knew the guy well but I hardly know him to make jokes

Ok, that's interesting. Do you feel as he doesn't know you he should not make any jokes and remain formal in all his communications with you, or not communicate with you at all, unless he really has to?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/06/2018 18:29

It isn't. I would say the exact same thing no matter the gender of either party.
No, sorry you’ve misunderstood the point I was making. I was saying that the idea that women should put up with unwanted attention and do it with a smile on their face is a feminist issue. As Rainbunny says girls are socialised to be friendly and nice to everyone and actually, no we don’t have to be friendly and nice to everyone just because it suits a patriarchal society. That is a feminist issue.

Bluntness100 · 15/06/2018 18:30

Sure. "If you're gonna bang it, bang it" - still in 100% normal everyday interaction for you?

Yeah, I'd probably crack one like that, what are you trying to insinuate he was being pervy about her hoover ? Confused

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