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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to use the gents' toilets?

269 replies

Hadalifeonce · 15/06/2018 11:48

On arriving at Gatwick after our holiday, I was desperate for the loo; the queue for the ladies was almost to the baggage reclaim belt, being of a 'certain age' I was busting.
I told DH of my problem, he said he would go into the gents to see if there was a free cubicle, he called me in, I dashed into the 1st cubicle (one of many free) had my wee and dashed out again. I was getting my cleansing gel out of my handbag when a man, who had obviously been in the toilets at the time, made a pointed comment about some women not being prepared to wait their turn and to feeling free to go into the gents.
I turned round and stated that as a middle aged woman with no pelvic floor, I couldn't wait. This seemed to take the wind from his sails.
But was I being unreasonable to use the gents?

OP posts:
siwel123 · 15/06/2018 19:33

I guess if it was a major emergency then maybe I would let it Grin. But I think she should have said sorry at least if someone objected to her being in their

TacoLover · 15/06/2018 19:35

You did the right thing. No real man is going to be offended or put out by a woman being in there, that's our job the other way around.

What if a man who had suffered sexual abuse from a woman in the past was uncomfortable with this? Are they not a 'real man'? Hmm

Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2018 19:36

Yes, she might have shouted that she is going to use the toilet as the ladies are full and its an emergency. In the ladies, I have encountered male cleaners, totally ok, they usually shout if anyone minds.

Sirzy · 15/06/2018 19:37

For those who have issues with urgency you can get a “can’t wait” card you can show to stop the need to explain

namechangemaestro · 15/06/2018 19:39

YANBU, I do this quite alot - I have urge incontinent and therefore would always try the ladies, then disabled but if not then the men's. There's always such a large queue at the ladies and mens are generally empty. I always shout in first and on the one occasion that I came out of the cubicle to a man washing his hands I apologised and explained I couldn't wait and he said "I don't blame you love" so all was good

Firesuit · 15/06/2018 19:40

You can't see anything at a urinal unless you stand right alongside and look down, which would be fairly obvious.

I don't actually care if anyone sees anything, as long as they don't complain about it. Men aren't supposed to see women's bits, because then women feel threatened. But when women see men's bits, it's still the women who feel threatened, if anyone does. Privacy for men and women aren't equivalent requirements.

siwel123 · 15/06/2018 19:42

What so men can't feel threatened if a women sees our penis? When we don't expect or want them to? Hmm

TacoLover · 15/06/2018 19:45

But when women see men's bits, it's still the women who feel threatened, if anyone does. Privacy for men and women aren't equivalent requirements.

I disagree with this. Everyone deserves the right for their genitalia to not be seen by the other sex. The majority of men may not care. But there are many men who have been sexually abused who would feel threatened by this. I'm actually quite appalled that you think men and women don't deserve the same privacy.

ElMarineroBaila · 15/06/2018 19:46

As if any of you trans bashers would be OK with it in OP's scenario if the genders were reversed. You wouldn't ask why, you'd be straight on feminism chat painting him as some sort of sex offender.

busybarbara · 15/06/2018 20:18

But when women see men's bits, it's still the women who feel threatened, if anyone does. Privacy for men and women aren't equivalent requirements.

Exactly. Indeed I think toilets should just be unisex and then with a female only section. Men don't need a space like we do

MsFrizzle · 15/06/2018 20:20

Eh, I would do it.

siwel123 · 15/06/2018 20:25

Sorry what men don't need to have their private space?
So you're saying it's ok for women to look at men's private?

TacoLover · 15/06/2018 20:26

Exactly. Indeed I think toilets should just be unisex and then with a female only section. Men don't need a space like we do
Are you actually serious? You don't think men should get their own space? What makes you think that women deserve their own space and men don't? So men who have been sexually assaulted by women don't deserve a safe space? I'm actually speechless that you think men don't need their own space.

JacquesHammer · 15/06/2018 20:28

No real man is going to be offended or put out by a woman being in there, that's our job the other way around

Do define “a real man”

I’m surprised at the lack of accessible toilet nearby. Gatwick must have changed a lot; last time I was there the accessible and baby change facilities were directly adjacent to the loos in one terminal and just opposite in the other

siwel123 · 15/06/2018 20:29

@TacoLover. Honestly is that poster mentally deranged or what?

fascinated · 15/06/2018 20:30

Since 98% of sex offences are committed by men I don’t think a woman in the men’s is quite as much of an issue for the men as having men in the ladies is for the ladies. It’s impossible to discuss this matter without understanding and accepting this ie that the dangers are pretty much one way only...

greendale17 · 15/06/2018 20:37

I think yabu, as if a man were to use the women's toilet it would have been an uproar.

^This

fascinated · 15/06/2018 20:39

Can’t believe the blindness to the issues of risk by those who think this is as bad as a man in the women’s.

Equality is not as simple as insisting that we treat situations in exactly the same way regardless of the underlying facts and risks!

Andrewofgg · 15/06/2018 20:42

It may be crap design (male architect?) that leaves women queueing and men not - but when I am using the urinals I am entitled to expect that no woman will be there, even in passing - for reasons which overlap with your entitlement the other way round. You are not likely to be a danger to me but your presence is an affront to my dignity and privacy.

ToeToToe · 15/06/2018 20:47

Too true, Andrew. It's not only safety - even when concerning women. Privacy and dignity are provided by single sex spaces, and they should be maintained.

Check out the response to the ManFriday Mumsnetters who went to the men's pool to raise awareness of the consequences of Self ID, and replacing sex, with gender, in law. The Men Were Not Happy.

Octopeppa · 15/06/2018 20:49

So men who have been sexually assaulted by women don't deserve a safe space?

What about men who've been assaulted by men? Isn't that a lot more likely?

siwel123 · 15/06/2018 20:50

Just because men are more likely to attack and hurt women doesn't mean we should lose our 'safe' space where we expect no women to be.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/06/2018 20:51

Andrew
You would have been very affronted at the school where I was for a year in France. As a 20 yo young woman, I needed a wee in the mixed staff room toilet. I walked inside for the first time. 2 massive urinals directly to the right of the door then 3 cubicals at the end. There was a ,
teacher doing a piss in one. I walked straight back out again. I did use the loo after that. One teacher regularly had a dump and left the floating contents. 🤢

siwel123 · 15/06/2018 20:53

@octopeppa. Where's the safe space for women that have been attacked by women as well then Hmm

busybarbara · 15/06/2018 20:56

A woman watching a man wee is not even vaguely similar to a man watching a woman wee where it's obviously for sexual kicks or abuse instead of by accident.