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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wreck our lives and end it

313 replies

LostwithSawyer · 13/06/2018 23:20

Monday night my husband had a stroke, to say it was awful is an understatement.
He's been transferred to a specialist hospital an hr from home.
Before visiting today I cleaned up & discovered a secret phone.
Now we've been here before, years ago.
I forgave believed in 2nd chances and thought we were good.
Clearly Not!
It's the same woman. It stopped for years but started last yr.
To say I'm devastated is putting it mildly.
I've spoken to her and know all the juicy details. But he's in + out of consciousness.
Briefly I told him I know and he just stared at me. Told me hes sorry and loves me.
Love, is that what this is? If it is then love can fuck right off!
But we have kids who are devastated they can't see him in hospital.
I hate him. But I love him too.
I don't want to visit. But he's Ill.
He's messed up so bad there's no going back from this. But my beautiful kids are heartbroken. How can i make it worse right now?
I'm stuck! AngrySad

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 14/06/2018 09:43

You can care from a distance ie he's living in his own property and you take him shopping etc - basically what u would do for a neighbour

Cath2907 · 14/06/2018 09:47

I too would not be visiting him or supporting him myself but would facilitate the kids visiting. Supporting someone in hospital is a long and exhausting process and he lost his right to that support from you when he had an affair. The OW can support him if she wants to.

Juells · 14/06/2018 09:52

I'd echo again and again what (some) others are saying. If he ever gets back into the house with you nursing, you'll never be rid of him. Now's the only opportunity you'll have. You need to find out who to contact to arrange alternative care and accommodation for him when he comes out of hospital. Otherwise you'll be stuck nursing an invalid for years.

farter · 14/06/2018 09:53

Awful! You must be so shocked.

Look after yourself.

Hissy · 14/06/2018 09:58

I agree with those saying to get the financial stuff together, and get the legal position clarified.

If you don't want to visit, don't. The nurse says the kids are too young to see him, so no need to do anything. Tell your family, tell his and let the chips fall as they may.

Sickofpeople · 14/06/2018 09:58

I'm sorry I would make sure his family know why you are separating. Otherwise you just look like the bitch who dumped him when he was seriously ill.

Quantumblue · 14/06/2018 09:59

What an awful set of shocks. Be aware the hospital will be trying to clear the bed and get him home to your care. If you don't want this (completely understandable) then maybe go and talk to the hospital social worker for advice and support.

Olddear · 14/06/2018 10:01

TBH he may make a very good recovery from this and no nursing will be required. But either way, get out!

crispysausagerolls · 14/06/2018 10:11

I know a family where the father had a stroke and an entire second family (complete with children DW didn’t know about) showed up to the hospital.

Having a stroke is a terrible thing, but it doesn’t turn someone into a good person. It also doesn’t mean that you have to behave any differently. Of course when your children are able to see him you should facilitate this, and it sounds like you will. Otherwise he’s not your fucking problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry though OP, what a horrible situation 💖

Flowerpotbicycle · 14/06/2018 10:12

This is horrific. My heart goes out to you Flowers
I would send a group email/text to all his nearest and dearest telling them exactly what the situation is. Give them details of the OW’s name, the length of the affair, how you took him back previously, how you found the phone. The fuck him off. I also wouldn’t give a single toss if his family judge you for leaving, it’s not their decision.
I’d say bluntly that you’ll support the kids’ relationship with their dad but you won’t be offering any other support.

Flowerpotbicycle · 14/06/2018 10:14

Also considering what you know now... what do you think he’d have done if it was you that had the stroke?
Do you think he’d be supporting you, living you, helping you?
I seriously doubt it... he’d leave a man shaped hole in the wall running as fast as he can to his OW.
You owe him nothing

BadTasteFlump · 14/06/2018 10:19

This is God's way of punishing him it catches up with everyone in the end

Barbara that's a really disgusting and hurtful thing to say for all the people who have lost somebody to a stroke or any illness, really. You should be ashamed, really.

OP what a horrible situation, I really feel for you, and your DC. I really don't know what I would want to do in your situation, but my gut is telling me I would do whatever I could to support my DC through their dad's stroke and rehab - and if that meant helping him to some extent, I would do so - for them, not for him.

But in the longer term, you don't have to put up with a cheat any more than anybody else would, stroke or no stroke.

Southfields · 14/06/2018 10:27

"Pack his things and take them to her house.
Change his nok details at the hospital to her details.
She wanted him, she can have him.
You go and live your life."

I second this.

BrownTurkey · 14/06/2018 10:27

Bastard. A few thoughts on the practical side

  • is there someone from his family who you can tell who can be neutral and be there to facilitate the dc seeing their Dad when appropriate
  • they will need to know a little otherwise your reactions will not be coherent to them, I would be inclined at some point to say to them that as well as Dad being ill you and he have fallen out, and when he’s better you hope to be able to sort things out. And let their school know that they might need extra support for both reasons
  • do whatever is right for you and dc
Peanutbuttercups21 · 14/06/2018 10:36

a friend of mine went through exactly this, exactly!

She left him on the same day he was picked up by an ambulance basically.

She went to visit him in hospital, with the kids, many times. She helped him move out. She just changed her role from wife to "mother of his children"

She has been able to pretend to be very calm, taking the kids to hospital to visit him whenever they wanted (even if OW was there)

She'd then have a cry at home, but bloody hell, she handled it well.

She came out blameless, and the kids stuck with her.

So complete role change: from wife to "mother of his kids" (getting a solicitor to sort divorce asap) in one day...I admire her.

good luck OP

Labradoodliedoodoo · 14/06/2018 10:37

Inform his family and the hospital social worker so they can sort things out between themselves

Peanutbuttercups21 · 14/06/2018 10:37

yes, make sure he can't run away with all the money, protect yourself financially ASAP. Don't count on him being reasonable, they never are.

kaytee87 · 14/06/2018 10:40

This is God's way of punishing him it catches up with everyone in the end. So if you feel that God's punishment is enough maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive x

What rot, and I say that as a Christian. I wonder what my church going, charity giving, kind grandmother did to deserve her stroke then.

DollyMay · 14/06/2018 10:42

No real advice to give, I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling.
Flowers for you.

stressedoutpa · 14/06/2018 10:43

I had similar with an XP. Not a stroke but he was in ITU at the time. I was so conflicted I just didn't know what to do. Stuck with him for a year or so but he was never going to change so I left him to it.

In your position, I would speak to one of the healthcare team and explain what has happened. They might refer you to a counsellor to go through your options.

HC professionals are used to all sorts! It will help them to understand why you aren't as loving and supportive as you perhaps should be and in turn they will be planning what will be happening with your 'DH' when he gets out of hospital.

fourplusfour · 14/06/2018 10:45

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I agree with others that you should use this time to sort out your finances, legal position etc and take time to decide what it is you want to do.

ohfourfoxache · 14/06/2018 10:47

You don’t need to do anything today. Or even tomorrow.

Bide your time and just take the opportunity to get your ducks in a row. See a solicitor, find out your rights and what you’re entitled to. Get your important documents and financial details together. Use your time wisely.

Get as much RL support as you possibly can, you’re going to need it x

CristalTipps · 14/06/2018 10:49

Pack his things and take them to her house.
Change his nok details at the hospital to her details.
She wanted him, she can have him.
You go and live your life

It's not quite that simple though as there is a marriage to sort out and there are children. Her life is entwined with his and she can't stroll away from that without a second thought.

I think it's a bit rich someone brought up the "sickness and health" bit of her marriage vows. Isn't there a fairly big emphasis on not cheating in those vows too? He broke that contract.

I'd focus on the practicalities right now. Presumably OW now knows as staff at the hospital have probably answered the phone and informed her, so be prepared that you may bump into her. Once he's stable, speak to his family. You may as well give them OWs details too, they can decide who will care for him when he leaves hospital.

ifonly4 · 14/06/2018 10:57

OP, I feel for you so much, you're on more than one awful roller coaster. You must feel so drained, so I'd say put yourself and the kids first and give yourself time. If you feel you want to visit your husband do so, but if not, don't. I think the main thing for me is if I'd found out he'd been having an affair again, would I have stayed with him. You have to put the fact he's had a stroke aside.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2018 11:29

Wuss201
Again why can't the kids see him in hospital?
Hospital advice as he's coherent one minute then not the next.

I actually like the idea of busybarnaras smitey god. That would mean my beautiful soon will never need another operation, that innocent people will never get cancer our site if heart failure and all the paedophiles, rapists, murderers and child abusers will just suddenly die.