Am I being ridiculously judgy?

[onetworedblue]

Firstly, full disclosure- I am a smoker and do not have “biological” children so have never been in this position myself.

However I have just been outside at work for a cigarette and noticed a heavily pregnant woman smoking. This made me feel a level of disgust so strong I was shocked at my own reaction!

Do other people feel like this or am I ridiculously judgy? And anyone who has smoked when pregnant, how have you justified this, whilst knowing the damage you could be causing to your child?

I gave up when we started ttc 28 years ago.
At that time one of my best friends decided not to give up as the thinking was that small babies were born to smokers. She actually thought that was an good thing!!

As long as you feel the same way about women who drink alcohol when pregnant...no issues

Why should the OP feel the same way about something that is completely different?

Is it possible she wasn't pregnant, just a bit fat?

Hands up - I did it. In secret, hidden away. I was pretty ashamed.
Both children robustly healthy. One was 8 pounds 6 at birth, one 9 pounds 15 - so if it stunted their growth, God knows how big they would have been.
Neither has asthma.
Both very intelligent.
But, as I said, I was ashamed and it's not a good look.
However, how many boozers on here? Drinking whilst pregnant causes irreversible brain damage - Google it.

I do wonder if anyone here understands the correlation between smoking and a myriad of mental health issues, of being a victim of child abuse or rape etc. I’ve been smoking since I was 12, when my sexually abusive father bought my a carton of 200 to smoke during a week at his house. I’ve tried to give up many times, and I managed it once for several months until my mum died in a horribly traumatic way (I was her carer and present for the months of deterioration and the death itself).

I didn’t manage to give up smoking during pregnancy. I cut down dramatically and didn’t smoke much but I was not able to give up completely. No one thinks worse of me for it than I do myself, to be honest. It was literally the only craving I had through the whole pregnancy - I cannot explain in words how powerful the addiction was. Most people won’t understand it, and will no doubt think I’m the worst type of person, but there we are.

I've seen a stop smoking consultant when i was pregnant. I got over her inability to understand (or at least try to) the psychological addiction of cigarettes and the "do a puzzle,take up knitting " advice on repeat.

One day she told me about her 28 yo friend who has ovarian cancer. She stated the friend must have cancer because her dad smoked while her mum was pregnant with her. Never went back.

The idea of a smoker being disgusted at someone else smoking is not only laughable but neatly demonstrates the hypocrisy that smokers, and other addicts, will stoop to in order to "justify" their own addiction.

I judge everyone that smokes. It’s a disgusting habit. My mum smoked and I had many arguments with her over it when I was a teenager. Ultimately, it killed as I always knew it would. I loved her with all my heart and I miss her everyday but I wished she’d listened to me. I would be devistated if my kids smoked

OP I think that way about every smoker. It’s a foul habit with a huge impact on those who don’t smoke.

I had the same spiky feeling when I saw women outside the hospital smoking. I tried to unpack my discomfort with my friends, who basically helped me see that these women could be smoking for any number of reasons:

• They may have lost their baby, and be smoking to deal with it;
• They may be addicted, and stopping would be worse than cutting down;
• They may have high levels of anxiety that one cigarette helps;
• They may simply want to smoke, and that is none of my business.

Basically, it's unfair to cast judgement over anyone when you don't know the full story behind their actions. It's OK to feel uncomfortable and to say you wouldn't do the same, but it's really cruel to make a decision about a person based on one thing you know about them.

I still don't agree with it, but it really helped me deal with those feelings I got whenever I saw those women.

Anon12345ABC Couldn’t agree more with you. My sons first outside (not fresh) air was tainted with cigarette smoke and I was furious. I complained to the hospital.

Smoking is addictive and people are unable to put others needs before their selfish own. Unfortunately society in general is becoming increasingly selfish and indignant so expect more babies to be subjected to smoking related issues.

I am, was, a smoker (currently on day 10 of cold turkey) but i gave up when i was pregnant but admittedly did have a couple of cheeky puffs when the cravings got too much! Then stupidly started smoking again when I went back to work but I've never smoked in front of my child and wait for him to go to bed before I go out side in the garden to have a fag!!
However I'm very judgy of women smoking (and drinking) during pregnancy and of parents pushing a pram smoking! Its just horrid!!

SIL smoked during her 3 pregnancies. All 3 babies were premature very underweight. Tragically SIL died with, Yes, lung cancer aged 48.

YANBU It is disgusting.

No idea why smoking women fail to put child first (although lots of excuses are given...it never hurt my mum, me, blah de blah)...despite evidence to the contrary some are either stupid, ignorant or both.

I don't know how I feel about the term 'judgey' anyway. It's a pretty stupid one, I think. You're making a judgement which the majority of people would agree with, so they won't call you 'judgey'. The people you offend impossible to live without offending someone somewhere would call you it.

YANBU.

It's such a huge risk- I'd have same reaction to someone drinking heavily whilst pregnant.

That said smoking in general is just like taking a cancer-causing tablet multiple times each day and hoping that it doesn't affect you.

Their body their choice first and foremost
It isnt just a case of ooh im pregnant and addiction vanishes.
Tobacco is as hard as heroin to give up for many people
No i dont judge a pregnant smoker

I judge everyone who smokes with equal commitment.

It's a filthy habit regardless of whether or not you're pregnant or a parent.

I hate to see it but try not to judge.

"The stress of giving up can be more harmful to the baby than cigarettes are"

This is one of the best examples of cognitive dissonance I've ever heard- and is said by just about all pregnant smokers.

My DM smoked through all her pregnancies and we were all fine - but I think nowadays anyone should feel guilty if they can't give up - although I know it's not always easy. I smoked for years, but gave up when TTC but was lucky that - like alcohol - I just didn't fancy it while pregnant. But I do get that some people struggle - but to do it blatantly and in public seems really odd, you'd think they'd feel ashamed and try to be discreet at the very least. I always remember seeing a very pregnant woman on the train platform when I was commuting, and she chucked her fag butt on the ground and asked her young son (3 or 4) to tread on it! Awful.....!!

Please use your disgust at this woman smoking to help you give up OP. I smoked for years and stopped in my thirties. It is never too late (or too early) to give up. Just think if you smoke on the street or outside a cafe or pub, the smoke from your fags may find its way into a baby's lungs. It's not just smoke before birth that harms babies, their lungs are so tiny. So use your disgust to save yourself!

Yes, you are. If you weren't a smoker then maybe I could see how you could judge her but you are being extremely hypocritical. How can you justify the damage you are doing to your body?

Judgement is an essential part of intelligence though using one’s faculties has been the subject of social opprobrium for many years in our PC climate. It is deemed as always being judgemental or judgy which both imply that exaggerated criticism is being applied.

Since the harm that smoking does to an unborn baby is well documented, it is perfectly reasonable to be alarmed and to judge the smoker as behaving irresponsibly and selfishly.

To be honest, if you are really heavy smoker they tell you to at least cut down. Sometimes the stress of quitting can hard for the baby too... also the odd cigarette won’t do any harm, like the odd glass of wine. I didn’t smoke once I found out I was preggo, but I did have one or 2 around 6-7 months pregnant when things got stressful. DS is fine, 2 fags worth of diluted nicotine didn’t hurt him an inch. But people got very judgemental.

You don’t fully know the situation, so I would keep it to yourself.