Am I being ridiculously judgy?

[onetworedblue]

Firstly, full disclosure- I am a smoker and do not have “biological” children so have never been in this position myself.

However I have just been outside at work for a cigarette and noticed a heavily pregnant woman smoking. This made me feel a level of disgust so strong I was shocked at my own reaction!

Do other people feel like this or am I ridiculously judgy? And anyone who has smoked when pregnant, how have you justified this, whilst knowing the damage you could be causing to your child?

You're welcome to your own feelings and thoughts, and as you've said, it's not like you approached her and shamed her.

I'm an on again/off again smoker, I stop during pregnancies but there are certainly 'moments' where I cave, and regardless of what people deem 'acceptable', to me they're necessary in a way.

Sometimes I experience the most intense anxiety/panic attacks that I feel like I can't breathe, and medication, talk therapy, CBT etc doesn't necessarily kick in. Every once an a while, it actually take a few drags of a cigarette for me to feel like I can 'breathe' - I know it's ridiculous and counter-productive in a way, but it works. It forces me to sit, in silence, and to take a few deep breaths and recalibrate. It's not ideal, it's not healthy, and I'm aware of it, but in extreme circumstances, it works.

I remember being pregnant with my first child, late into the pregnancy so obviously 'visibly pregnant' and I'd chosen a far away 'designated' smokers spot to have a smoke, and this woman took it upon herself to beeline right into the area just to have a go at me, a full mouthful about her rights not to inhale my 'disgusting habit' and whatnot, just full of spiteful vitriol, when she could've simply avoided the designated area entirely. My uncle had just killed himself, and I found myself in a downward spiral and couldn't focus or breathe and was just in a complete panic and an 'emergency' smoke was the one thing, at the time, that could calm me. She didn't help. All I could think was how miserable she must be to be filled with so much hatred and anger so early into the day, at a complete stranger, at a situation she had complete control over, but she chose to come and bring me down a 'peg or two' according to her doctrine.

By all means, feel disgust, judge away, but it doesn't always need to be voiced (an I acknowledge that OP has clarified that they didn't) but fuck.. it's rough sometimes. I do wonder how some people cope with it on a daily basis..

I won't even start on the person who gave me a lecture on getting drunk at my engagement party which it turned out I was already pregnant for because I'd been 'trying' - despite her not being aware that I'd spent the last 18yrs being told I was infertile so my 'trying' was an attempt to humour my DH when he wouldn't believe me it wouldn't be as easy as in the movies..

I think as a smoker yourself you hardly have the moral high ground. If it's easy to give up then why don't you do so?
You don't know this woman or her life. Not it's not ideal but many things aren't. Her body isn't public property because she's pregnant.

I think as a smoker yourself you hardly have the moral high ground

A non-pregnant smoker definitely has the moral high ground over a pregnant smoker.

I'd find it disgusting too so if you're judgemental then so am I - happily so! Shouldn't be allowed. If you can't smoke in cars with children, then you shouldn't be allowed to smoke when you're incubating one inside your body.

Not IMHO Lion.

You don't think there's anything worse about smoking when pregnant that smoking when not pregnant? There clearly is.

Not hypocritical since OP is only harming herself, not her unborn child.

YANBU. It’s horrible.

I agree with everything MrsTerryPratchett has said. She has been the only voice of reason on this thread.

I’ve been trying to give up for years and seem doomed to fail by my own lack of willpower!

The gut intensity of your disgust seems to come from your own guilt about smoking and failure to give up. She smokes and so do you. When you see what that addiction has made another person do, your first instinct might be to think "I would never do that, any decent person would stop" but doesn't it make you wonder if in reality you might be not be able to?

And anyone who has smoked when pregnant, how have you justified this, whilst knowing the damage you could be causing to your child?

Does lack of willpower "justify" your own failure to give up? And if it justifies - or at least explains - your behaviour then why not theirs as well? What you saw her doing is a consequence of doing something you don't have willpower to give up yourself.

*PretABoire

I think it's a bit judgey. If you knew someone who was on 20 a day throughout their entire pregnancy that's one thing, but seeing a stranger smoke one isn't worth getting upset about IMO - they might be having the worst day of their life and hadn't smoked for years until then for all you know. *

If someone hasn't smoked in years, they don't need to smoke while pregnant just because they "have a bad day", get a grip!

We had a smoking room in the maternity unit when I had mine in the 70s. We were just asked to cut down by our midwives and GP.

Before they banned smoking outside hospitals, every time I went to the maternity hospital for a check up, there were always several very heavily pregnant ladies (possibly in labour so heavily pregnant) standing outside smoking.

Strokethefurrywall

"I agree with everything MrsTerryPratchett has said. She has been the only voice of reason on this thread."

I also agree with MrsTerryPratchett but if you look three posts above her original post, I also slam the judging of pregnant women.

SO many judgmental women on this thread. I expect it of men tbh, but it's depressing when women have such a knee-jerk righteous reaction.

@TheWrongTrousers has put it perfectly.
If you fell pregnant tomorrow op you would be a pregnant smoker. Even if you think you would give up shortly after finding out you don't actually know that. If it's easy to give up why hasn't you?

*haven't not hasn't

Another awful sight for me was when I visited the Churchill Hospital and saw people standing by the main entrance doors holding onto their drip stands whilst smoking a cigarette.

I judge all smokers, and I'm married to one! But I won't reserve special judgement to pregnant women and I won't offer my opinion where it's not needed.

Agree with the concern regarding pregnant women smoking, however as previous posters have pointed out, we don’t know their circumstances. Think the bile directed at smokers in general is getting ridiculous, it’s already been banned from inside any public place (fair enough) but God, live and let live! This comes from an ex heavy smoker by the way that gave up during both pregnancies.

It's not ideal at all but the increased risks with smoking are similar to the increased risks when being over 30 or overweight so if you want to judge smokers, judge the old or fat too.

Well it is judgy cos you are judgin her but the question is whether you are right to judge or not.

Smoking in pregnancy needs to be avoided wherever possible as it's so harmful to the baby. But we don't know if she's tried so hard to give up, or has a abusive partner who makes her life hellish, or conceived the baby through rape and is suffering trauma or anything. You can say probably not.but it's possible.

I might judge on sight but then I would wonder what else was going on.

Yes it’s judgy but it’s justifiable judgement.

I get where your coming from as it's bad for the baby but in the same token if you're hooked it's not so easy to give up. Baby or no baby. That's not to say I wouldn't try x

I remember a heavily pregnant woman who was in the maternity unit at the same time as me. She had breathing problems and you could hear her wheezing along the corridors on the way outside to smoke The midwives just used to shrug, I'm guessing she was deaf to all advice by that point

Your reaction isn’t unusual. However, I assume your non biological kids are step kids you really can’t adopt if you smoke either. So you can’t get too judgemental about it !!!

Yes you're judging but rightly so. Smoking in pregnancy has been proven to be bad for the baby.