Am I being ridiculously judgy?

[onetworedblue]

Firstly, full disclosure- I am a smoker and do not have “biological” children so have never been in this position myself.

However I have just been outside at work for a cigarette and noticed a heavily pregnant woman smoking. This made me feel a level of disgust so strong I was shocked at my own reaction!

Do other people feel like this or am I ridiculously judgy? And anyone who has smoked when pregnant, how have you justified this, whilst knowing the damage you could be causing to your child?

This is true but realise it probably not in this case.

I went to the hospital heavily pregnant, reduced movement. I found my DD had died. I walked to the nearest garage and bought cigarettes (not smoked since before TTC) Some delightful person then gave me a lecture. I didn't defend myself, hadn't got the energy.

It’s disgusting tbh. To go through IVF or adoption you have to jump through so many hoops but seems you don’t even need to care about the health of your kid if you conceive ‘naturally’.

No that's disgraceful behaviour on the part of the expectant mother

This made me feel a level of disgust so strong I was shocked at my own reaction!

OP you do realise that a lot of people have that reaction to any smoker, not just the pregnant ones? It's a selfish choice by anyone.

dustymaiden - I am so very sorry for your loss. How awful that you had to hear a lecture in those very sad circumstances.

OP didn't lecture the person concerned, however - she just said she felt repelled by their behaviour. I am on the fence with this. I understand the reaction - if I am honest, my first response would probably be pretty judgy (internally, not publicly). But none of us walk in someone else's shoes, I guess. And I have to remind myself sometimes that the pressure on pregnant women to be perfect is huge and not always realistic. That said, smoking is so damaging that the risks of doing damage to the child are quite large.

As long as you feel the same way about women who drink alcohol when pregnant...no issues.

Everyone has the right to think what they want in their own head. But to verbally abuse a woman (as a PP said they would do) is not on. Verbal abuse is actually a crime "threatening words and behaviour" and no one has the right to do that to another person.

DustyMaiden, I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm an ex smoker - was in hospital years ago in the smoking room. There was a woman, hugely pregnant, puffing away as if her life depended on it, starting one ciggie from the stub of the last one. It transpired that she had started contractions. I can only imagine the baby was desperate to get out for some fresh air

yes, you are being judgy. also a massive hypocrite as your second hand smoke is just as bad for her baby as her smoke.
do i think pregnant women smoking is great? no, obviously not. in an ideal world, they wouldn't smoke, but we don't live in an ideal world. stress, upset, illness, and just struggling to quit are all real things.
I smoked before i had children, when i found out i was pregnant with my first i stopped. but towards the end i had some news that made it possible dd1 would be seriously unwell and the upset and stress of that caused me to have a few cigarettes. was i happy doing it? no. but i was 22 and terrified my baby was going to die.
just mind your own business. no one has to justify themselves to you.

Well if shes about to give birth at any moment that one cigarette is probably not going to harm her baby
Not true. Every cigarette reduces oxygen to the baby. The immediate reduction in the baby's heart rate is terrifying to hear (worked in a maternity unit)

YANBU. What a great shame.

You're not being judgy. Or maybe you are, but sometimes it's ok to be judgy if somebody deserves judgement

YABU
judging doesn't help people quit

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2984138-Please-can-we-have-someone-really-sensible-on-to-do-a-webchat-about-smoking-in-pregnancy

I judge people who smoke around kids let alone the ones who smoke when the kid is still inside them.

Shall we have a league table?

Worst of the worst - a pregnant woman
s
l
I
d
i
n
g

s
c
a
l
e
... down to people (especially women!) who smoke outside hospital exit doors so others - possibly children - (possibly ill) who have to breath it in... and smokers in general. Vile people deserving of judgement... from everybody including 'a smoker'.

I'm an ex-smoker, never smoked when pregnant. I was so happy and thrilled to have given up an awful addiction that I just wouldn't bring myself to post a goady thread about a nonsense question.

I wonder what sort of person would do that?

I'm very anti-smoking (my dad and 2 of his brothers died of lung cancer). I'd judge people that smoke, especially when pregnant, but I'd never berate them for it. It's their choice at the end of the day.

How can this be? How can you smoke knowing the damage you can be doing to yourself?

I judge all smokers.

But honestly yes she is addicted to it, as you are. Have you honestly not stopped to consider the damage you're doing to your own body? Perhaps focus on that rather than on what other people are doing.

Of course you are not. Smoking in pregnancy, given all the information now available, is frankly an appalling thing to do.

MN is weird though because most will agree that smoking whilst pregnant is horrible (and it is) but have no qualms when a woman drinks whilst pregnant or whilst breastfeeding. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Makes no sense to me - I get very judgey at both things, and that’s my prerogative. Would never call someone out on either though as it’s their decision.

I don't think any of us justify it to ourselves... Well of course we do, but we still know there's no real justification. I love smoking. I planned to give when pregnant. Took me a week or two of cutting down, feeling guilty but not being able to make the final push... Then did it (sickness helped a lot). Brilliant! But my hudband never managed to quit so the temptation was always there... In the third trimester i had a few, can't remember, maybe as many as one a day? Maybe less. Did not feel good about it. But felt like everything was so shit that I needed it, or deserved it or whatever - the same reasons we all use to justify doing things we know aren't good for us. There is no real justification. But it is what it is.

Smoking's a very popular one to vilify nowadays, so smokers kind of get used to it, although it still hurts.

Just to clarify, drinking is unacceptable too. Etc Etc

Hmm. I'm a smoker on and off but gave up before both of my pregnancies and first few months of babies lives ( before being sucked back in... I know, I know) and I have a great friend who didn't manage to give up smoking during her first pregnancy though she did curtail massively. I didn't judge her as I knew her back story; she lost her dad as she fell pregnant and a large investment unexpectedly failed causing her and her husband enormous financial hardship. She was under a lot of stress and did her best. Her son was born healthy and well and they got back on their feet financially but it was a dark time for her.

I remember on the tv in the midwife area- there was a %of how many pregnant women smoked and a %of how many people did because they thought the baby would be smaller-easier to give birth to

I'm assuming it was factual as I was in an nhs hospital but just seems really dangerous

MN is weird though because most will agree that smoking whilst pregnant is horrible (and it is) but have no qualms when a woman drinks whilst pregnant or whilst breastfeeding

Well, for a start, because there's a proven relationship between smoking and damage to a baby, whereas for moderate drinking there isn't.

OP, I don't smoke, never have, never felt the urge, I find the whole idea disgusting and don't want to be near you if you've just had a cigarette. I'm not going to judge anyone more harshly actually - we all do hundreds of things each day which endanger ourselves or other people. It's not something I would do, pregnant or not, she makes her own decisions around the risks and reasons.