Am I being ridiculously judgy?

[onetworedblue]

Firstly, full disclosure- I am a smoker and do not have “biological” children so have never been in this position myself.

However I have just been outside at work for a cigarette and noticed a heavily pregnant woman smoking. This made me feel a level of disgust so strong I was shocked at my own reaction!

Do other people feel like this or am I ridiculously judgy? And anyone who has smoked when pregnant, how have you justified this, whilst knowing the damage you could be causing to your child?

Thanks, MrsTerryPratchett, I'll carry on doing neutral then. I definitely don't want to be contributing to the stress or upset of a pregnant woman.

I think that pregnancy testing kit in the pub sounds inspired; it certainly is clever with its placement and alcohol information. I wonder if there could be some sort of equivalent for cigarettes?

My personal view is that being 'judgy' doesn't achieve a behavioural change, it just makes somebody feel like shit. I don't want to be party to that and I certainly wouldn't attribute any 'glorification' to those that do. If it's not hurting you or somebody else then it's really not your business.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg

Come on, alcohol is a drug. We all know it’s not good for our bodies! I do drink when not pregnant I’m just saying I don’t think it’s fine during pregnancy based on the fact it’s bad for us and we know this. Pretending otherwise is silly - if you want to do it’s fine for you and your business, but you won’t convince me it’s not in the same category as smoking.

Come on, alcohol is a drug. We all know it’s not good for our bodies!

Neither's sugar - I don't take sugar in tea, and think that people who dunk in 2 teaspoons are doing their health no favours. This is also proven. I'm not going to demonise a woman having a glass of red as damaging her baby, when there is no evidence of this, but then, given all the evidence that it isn't, think that having sugary drinks is fine. Lets have some consistency here, rather than just all sit around finding reasons to judge people.

@MrsTerryPratchett great post and much more how I wish I had felt. I didn’t say anything to her and didn’t tut/eye roll/indicate how I was feeling. I was more interested in my own reaction as I am not anti smoking (since I smoke!), but your explanation makes sense re why I reacted like that.

To those saying I’m hypocritical being a smoker judging another smoker, you are probably right. Particularly when I know how damned hard it is to stop. I’ve tried often enough! But again, that was why my reaction surprised me so much!

To the poster who suggested that it should be 'illegal to smoke in pregnancy' - how in hell are you going to enforce that? Fine pregnant women - every cigarette? Jail them? Force them to give up? How?

My Dps nightmare NDN is an alcoholic, and his GF is too. And they both smoke. She has had one child taken away due to FAS, and got pregnant again. 'Luckily' she had a mc, but it is her choice until that baby is born.

@Looneytune253 I have step children who we have 1 night per week. I have honestly never smoked around them (nicotine gum is my friend for the 24hrs each week when they are with us) and the house is smoke free 100% of the time. Neither of their parents smoke so as an adult who influences them, I wouldn’t want them to me smoking. 24 hours a week on nicotine replacement is a small price to pay if it stops them taking up the habit.

You are being judgy but its perfectly acceptable to judge people who are doing something wrong and harming an innocent unborn baby.
They deserve to be judged.

Well let's turn this thread around then. Would you like tips on how to give up

I had a jar of butts and water I could open and sniff when I felt like smoking

I think it's a bit judgey. If you knew someone who was on 20 a day throughout their entire pregnancy that's one thing, but seeing a stranger smoke one isn't worth getting upset about IMO - they might be having the worst day of their life and hadn't smoked for years until then for all you know.

It's terrible and I've had the same reaction to seeing it. But I assume the woman herself knows it and I allow for the possibility that smoking is the lesser of two evils for her at that moment.

upsideup, you would be getting dangerously close to being anti-abortion and women's choice with that view and I'd think it a silly comment if it didn't have such nasty overtones.

A woman's right to her body and determine what happens to it is absolute.

I dunno, OP - you can't say your house is 100% smoke free, even if you never smoke indoors. The smell and the chemicals stick to your hair, clothes, skin, and you waft it with you when you come in. It'll be on your sofa, your door handles - whatever you touch with your nicotine-y hands. [ergh!]

It's the reason why we used to have to wash clothes and shower after being in a smoky pub - it comes with you. I bet I could tell you are a smoker if I came into your house.

It's clearly not great, but it's their body and their choice, even when they are gestating another life.

You don't become a different person overnight on becoming pregnant and some people find it impossible to give up smoking.

My babies were born in the 1970s.
I smoked through both pregnancies. Lots of people did. It was ignorance because it was accepted.
There was a smoking waiting room at ante natal clinic and the day room in maternity ward allowed smoking. Many of the new mums smoked in there.
It wouldn't cross my mind to 'justify' it. Back then I didn't have to but I wouldn't say in hindsight it was right.
If I see a pregnant woman smoking today I don't judge because I have no idea what her life has been or is like. I think it's sad because really no one should smoke whilst pregnant.
Sometimes it's not just addiction. It can be anxiety and obsession related ok.

@MrsTerryPratchett keep the tips coming. I will warn you though that I’ve been trying to give up for years and seem doomed to fail by my own lack of willpower!

Although I see your point I would also take care at judging a situation you don't know. Perhaps she has had some devastating news in which case I would forgive. I don't smoke,never have but watching my dad in his last hours I wished I did.

I do find though, that those who are keen to judge others' behaviour (particularly on things like policing how pregnant women or mums are behaving) are insecure about stuff they know they are getting badly wrong in their own lives. And frankly, are often a bit thick.

But at least they aren't smoking, like that caaahhh over there.

I was lucky enough to quit smoking successfully before getting pregnant (Nicorette patches btw, wonderful things, but then I think I was only ever classed as a light smoker

I don't smoke,never have but watching my dad in his last hours I wished I did

Why??! Smoking doesn't help in that situation. Drugs might.

I am always surprised at how the human race has survived this long.

Where does 'forgiveness' come into it? It's not anybody's place to 'forgive' a choice that somebody else is entitled to make for themselves - and they're not answerable to anybody for it.

onetworedblue, Allen Carr's 'Easyway to Stop Smoking' worked for me, brilliant book.

YABU it's nothing to do with you.

I'm an ex smoker who never smoked when pregnant - but continued to be a party smoker from cessation of breastfeeding until the children were teenagers, behind their backs of course.

I'd be as judgy as you with my gut feeling, but I do remember that the first time I was pregnant it felt like the list of things I couldn't eat, drink, or do was never-ending ... plus I was huge and uncomfortable and hormonal ... "and on top of all that I can't even have my just one cigarette of an evening".

Smoking was a coping/self-medication strategy for me and may well be for lots of others.

When I worked in central London I stopped at the same newsagents every day.

Over a few years I witnessed him several times refuse to sell cigarettes to obviously pregnant women and I must admit I felt very impressed by the courage of his convictions- especially when he was met with a barrage of abuse every time!

Yanbu

Op when I went into hospital to give birth to my ds who died at 18 weeks

I was led by the Bereavement MW through the corridor which has glass to an outside area. There was a heavily pregnant woman squatting on the windowsill smoking. My DP muttered 'Utter scum' under his breath or something similar. The MW said 'don't whisper on my account I couldn't agree more' and threw an arm around us both.

Will never forget that moment