To insist that DD age 11 change schools so we can move away?

[sophiebeth]

So I've posted on here about 6 months ago about the very difficult dynamic between me, my mum and DD. We have lived together since DD a baby, she's now 11. Have made attempts to get somewhere separate for us from my mum over the yrs but mum uses emotional blackmail to wear me down until I can't cope with the fear and guilt and agree that we stay living together. She undermines me in front of DD, has totally taken over, I've been to extensive therapy to try to break the enmeshment between my mum and I, so I can give DD a psychologically healthier environment and also be happy myself.
Situation now is I finally got the balls to put house on market, put foot down when mum had hysterics and tried to make me feel like terrible person for wanting to live separately from her. House is SSTC but I am stuck finding somewhere to buy because, due to witnessing my mum (her nan) throw tantrums and get upset about is moving, DD is angry with me and refusing to move to another school. I don't want to stay in same town any more, feel need to be further away from mum who I know will still try to interfere between me and DD. I want to move 50 miles away (Shropshire) whch is also nearer my DP. I've found a house which is near good transport links, only 1hr16min train journey back to see my mum if DD wants to visit for the weekend. Also have an opportunity to get DD into really good school (private) as long as I can get bursary - but DD would have to visit and meet with the head and she absolutely refuses to. State schools in the same area (Oswestry) aren't that great and the decent ones in Shrewsbury have no places for September so little point buying house there. DD is extremely bright and musical but not being stretched at current school and losing interest in things she has talent for. She tells me that if I try to make her move schools and away from our town, she will move in with my mum. I have told her this is not an option for her. She has only been at current school for a year and although I know it would be really hard for her to leave her new friends and adjust to a different place, I'm sure she would settle in and be happy somewhere else. The situation is so stressful that I am starting to get lost in the emotional upset of it and wonder how I will sort it all out.
Sorry for long post but am at my wit's end and really struggling to hold it together. I could settle for a house where we live now and leave DD at current school but this will teach her that throwing tanteums and making threats gets you what you want, and means I won't get us away from my mum's negative influence. Help!

Well done,OP, great decisions.

That's really good, OP.

Well done lass.

You hold onto that mantra.

You definitely can do this . I'd only say remember that dd needs some reassurance along with the decisive approach. From what you've described her gran has essentially been another parent to her for the last 6 years. She needs to hear - we still love gran (even if you feel like throttling your mum right now ), we'll still all see each other etc.

As regards dealing with your mums histrionics I think I'd be telling her that given this is 100% definitely happening, it would be far kinder to her granddaughter to be positive and encouraging rather than making an already difficult situation even tougher. I'd also point out that surely she'd rather you move away on good terms than have a massive rift (gentle hint that if she wants to see her GC it'd be best not to push you too far). Her behaviour is hurting your dd and you're entitled to call her out on that.

You can do this op. You really can. Stay strong. You're in charge.

Well done on making the decision to move further afield. Have you explained to your mother that her actions have forced you to take this step? Has she acknowledged she's pushed you into the role of sister while she mothers your child?

Please take her to a worst school first - so the difference is obvious - she may not go in through the door but don't let her waste her chance at the better school.

Well done - decision made -

I agree with others you make the decisions because she's a child and you know best.

You'll become closer because it'll just be the two of you.

Good luck

i am neither a teenager nor a parent but I do hear good about the schools. and yes it is a great place. kids probably prefer the towns but lots going on everywhere.

OH Well Done OP! We are all totally rooting for you. Very best of luck

Good on you OP!!

Well done OP, I really think you're making the right decision.

You need some physical distance to establish DD and you as your own family unit or, as you say, your mum will keep popping up and involving herself in everything.

Keep strong

Stay the course OP...you’re doing fine.

One suggestion is try to show her the other schools first to contextualise what a “good deal” the private school is.

Another poster earlier suggested “dream items” kitten, phone etc. as a bribe.
It’s not for everyone but I was incredibly headstrong end this was one of the only ways my parents could get me on board with things So this may be an idea

I’m sneaky so I’d also try and “prime her” to like the school Derren brown style
So...maybe have a friend/relative over to tell DD how amazing the “good news” is and how she’s sooooo lucky, Keep things calm the night before, Get her to bed early, let her wear her favourite outfit, make pancakes or whatever for breakfast, tell her you need to pop to the shopping centre afterwards and maybe you could go to X shops and she could see if she likes anything. (A new phone if the interview goes well?)

You’ll work it out but stick with the plan and getaway from that town

Has she been to the house you're buying?
I'd stick to 'we're moving, I'll show you the house .... talk about her new bedroom and get her excited about a new (double) bed, talk about friends coming over and clubs she could join in the area ..... make school almost a second decision ....

YOU NEED TO MOVE. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE ON THIS BITTER WOMAN.
Your daughter will learn really unhealthy behaviours if you stay. Tough shit she doesn't want to move there really is no choice. You have to go.
Get her away from that awful woman and enjoy your relationship.
Advice: sort the move in secret so your mum doesn't get wind and your daughter can't moan and guilt trip you, then go.
And a state school will do, just get away.

Also beware she doesn't follow you there
This sounds harsh but you need to grow a fucking backbone. She's had her chance at being a parent, she is manipulative and cruel.
Get your DP on board for support, make him, you and DD a family unit with only very occasional visits TO, not FROM, your M.

Your mother will be bound to be upset but you are an adult and need to show her you can parent, good luck

I agree with incentives all the way!!!

My 3 DDs specified a bath and a trampoline - we got off lightly! They didn't even ask for a bedroom each...

I would look for activities she may like to do that she doesn't/can't do currently

I was also going to suggest bribery incentives. Is there something she desperately wants?

Hi all, am at work on 11hr shift, have out in offer on house, all I can do is wait now. Keep telling myself 'I am calm and consistent, children respect strong parents, I am a good person' as I'm frankly still very affected by fear and guilt and I know DM will be very upset and consequently this will upset DD. Dreading the fallout from my decision but know I can follow through on it. DM is not a bad person, it's her behaviour which is difficult and dysfunctional. I understand why she reacts this way, because she was parented by a weak unhappy mother who could not cope and her siblings were horrible to her, so I think it's her fear of abandonment and need to be needed which fuels all this. I do wish she would consider therapy and have suggested this but she poopoos it. And I can't carry on feeling responsible if she is upset by me just trying to live my own life. I know there others out there who struggle with similar parental relationships and it is very difficult.
In terms of incentives, DD has a fairly new phone and good laptop. She does not often ask for big things. I think a lot of reassurance that she can still do the activities she enjoys in the new area will help. Also that it is not too far to come back and visit friends and her nan. Involving her in planning her new room should help too. Thanks again for all your suggestions.

Is there any possibility the school would let her take the tests administered by her current teacher?

She might be less likely to sabotage them if her current teacher is watching her?

I'm not sure...it seems from the school website that the entrance tests are done as part of a school visit and it all sound quite informal. I guess it depends how things are going when we visit on Monday but I imagine a teacher would be present during the test and DD would probably not want to mess up the test in front of them.

I think you are doing the right thing.Your DD needs to see you take charge.
School wise your DD needs to know that since the move is happening she will be moving school.If she deliberately flunks her chances then no matter she will go wherever they have a place.The choice she has is to give herself that chance of a better place or not.Just get through to her that are are both moving whatever.
Do not be guilted into anything by your daughter,my DD tried to get the master bedroom when we moved(she was unprepared for the bedrooms one I a modern house!)She was paid for being ultra helpful once we moved and her bedroom decorating and furnished as she wanted.
Even if she doesn't get the better school you will both be better off.Keepstrong and forward to a better future.

Yes, I've arranged school visit for when DM away on hols. Keeping house purchase to myself and will be getting all paperwork re that sorted next week so can present it as done deal. Deep breaths

DD testing me with lots of oppositional behaviour atm (refusing to get dressed/wash/barricading herself in her room/refusing to come off phone games after being allowed loads of time playing/very rude backchat and ignoring, interrupting). I see this as her trying to provoke me into being authoritative. Am trying my best to do that without losing my rag which is hard as premenstrual and in pain! Any tips for dealing with preteen nightmare behaviour??

Take her phone? Honestly, and I’m not being a smart arse, haven’t you done any parenting while with your mother?