To insist that DD age 11 change schools so we can move away?

[sophiebeth]

So I've posted on here about 6 months ago about the very difficult dynamic between me, my mum and DD. We have lived together since DD a baby, she's now 11. Have made attempts to get somewhere separate for us from my mum over the yrs but mum uses emotional blackmail to wear me down until I can't cope with the fear and guilt and agree that we stay living together. She undermines me in front of DD, has totally taken over, I've been to extensive therapy to try to break the enmeshment between my mum and I, so I can give DD a psychologically healthier environment and also be happy myself.
Situation now is I finally got the balls to put house on market, put foot down when mum had hysterics and tried to make me feel like terrible person for wanting to live separately from her. House is SSTC but I am stuck finding somewhere to buy because, due to witnessing my mum (her nan) throw tantrums and get upset about is moving, DD is angry with me and refusing to move to another school. I don't want to stay in same town any more, feel need to be further away from mum who I know will still try to interfere between me and DD. I want to move 50 miles away (Shropshire) whch is also nearer my DP. I've found a house which is near good transport links, only 1hr16min train journey back to see my mum if DD wants to visit for the weekend. Also have an opportunity to get DD into really good school (private) as long as I can get bursary - but DD would have to visit and meet with the head and she absolutely refuses to. State schools in the same area (Oswestry) aren't that great and the decent ones in Shrewsbury have no places for September so little point buying house there. DD is extremely bright and musical but not being stretched at current school and losing interest in things she has talent for. She tells me that if I try to make her move schools and away from our town, she will move in with my mum. I have told her this is not an option for her. She has only been at current school for a year and although I know it would be really hard for her to leave her new friends and adjust to a different place, I'm sure she would settle in and be happy somewhere else. The situation is so stressful that I am starting to get lost in the emotional upset of it and wonder how I will sort it all out.
Sorry for long post but am at my wit's end and really struggling to hold it together. I could settle for a house where we live now and leave DD at current school but this will teach her that throwing tanteums and making threats gets you what you want, and means I won't get us away from my mum's negative influence. Help!

Honestly I would law the law down with your mum and tell her that she backs the fuck off, tells your DD that living with her is NOT an option or you will move anyway, see a solicitor and look into a restraining order on her based on parental alienation. And then she'll be out of your lives.

Hopefully you could scare her enough to stop her whispering at your DD.

But FGS move, leave it any later and you will lose your DD to the cow.

I would buy the house and actually move and worry about the school places later, too. Just go.

Tell her you understand her angst (seeing nan upset), but this is a move you both need to make. Either she goes to see the new Head and gets to go to an interesting school, or she doesn't and she'll be at the less interesting school. Either way she's going.

As an aside - if your mum has been that entwined it might be worth your DD seeing a councillor, to help her see that her life is with you not nan.

Yes you can insist she move school!

I can't see many 11 year old wanting to move, she can't see the bigger picture, and frankly if she is witnessing your Mum undermine your parenting, I am not at all surprised she thinks she can tell you what to do!

Tell her the options are moving to a private school or moving to a state school. Either way she is moving so she may as well try and get into the school that would best suit her.

Sounds like her reaction is a result of your mother's influence, which makes it essential that you get the hell away from her. Your DD will get over it.

This sounds awful for you op. Agree with everything that has been said - you need to go through the short term pain with dd for the long term gain.

It is hard for your dd to move schools at this point. But she can do it, and it is what's best for all of you. Just do it. She'll cope.

I don't think you should pin all your hopes on the private school. That depends both on getting the bursary and on dd cooperating, both of which are uncertain.

I imagine there must be many locations which could work for you, so what about casting your net wider and finding an area which has good state schools with vacancies? Time is getting short for buying a new house before the autumn, but you shouldn't jeopardise the sale of your current house. Why not find somewhere to rent in a new area for the time being, and then take your time and buy a house there later?

You mentioned the quick easy train journey as a bonus in case dd want to visit her nan. But isn't that actually a negative? What's the point in moving 50 miles away if it is still easy for your mum to turn up on your doorstep, and easy for your dd to run off to her (maybe your mum would pay for her train tickets to do so)?

I'm with @FizzyGreenWater on this one, tell your poisonous mother to back right off. She is the root of all this, you've been very brave so far, so take this last step.
Take your daughter out for the day, away from the house, involve her in the house search, new bedroom etc., big up the school, but ultimately, let her know that the wheels are in motion, and you and her, will be moving.

Is there a reason you’ve chosen a location 50 miles away which is only “near” your dp?
Do you ever intend to live together?

I went to Oswestry School as a kid - wonder if that is the private school you are referring to! I agree with others. you are the adult. She doesn't have to like it she just has to do it. I have these discussions with my 7 year old occasionally :). She can't move in with your mum - you are her legal guardian. so you shove her in the car on moving day yelling and shouting and off you go. She has no independant money or ability to travel. She can be a cow about it but when all is said and done at 11 you don't got no choice!

This is such a tricky one.

How old is your mum and where will she live once the house has sold?

To those saying the DD is only 11 and can’t refuse - how would you suggest making her comply? It’s not that easy to force a child to go somewhere. It’s not like a toddler.

That said, I would absolutely move. You both need to get away from your mother. Beyond telling your DD that you are moving and that she is coming with you I’m not sure how you would make her, especially as your mother is pulling her in the opposite direction.

Will there be something she can have at the new house that she cant have where she is now?

She'll make friends quickly like I did.

Why do people make sweeping statements like this (it's the same as the 'oh she'll sleep in the pram like mine did' comments about taking a 7 mo to a party)? Most children will settle well and make friends - I did after being moved at the end of my first year of secondary school - but others won't and don't. A private school is unlikely to tolerate an angry, hostile child who blatantly doesn't want to be there.

OP; you're doing really well to escape a toxic situation, but your dd has also lived in a toxic environment. She has every right to be hurt/angry/scared/etc, but she is also used to her GM being a principal player in her life and the thought of losing that stability (however unhealthy) must be really unsettling. I'd echo a PP who suggested counselling for your DD, she is unlikely to be able to manage the fallout from unhealthy enmeshment and attachment without professional support.

so you shove her in the car on moving day yelling and shouting and off you go.

My Y7 daughter is very nearly the same height as me. I don’t fancy my chances of wrestling her into the car and keeping her there against her will.

I agree that you have to get DD away from your mother's toxic influence before you don't have any say in the matter - which is only a few years away. The further the better imo.

I am confused by your OP though - does you mother live in your house, ie the house you are selling? Is there any reason she can't live alone or has she just moved herself in over the years and now you're stuck?

I really feel for you anyway - I know how horribly difficult these sort of situations are. But you have to see this through

Persuasion (listing as many positive aspects as you can come up with) and bribery?

I would organise a school visit as others have said.

I’d also get your dd into counselling because let’s face it, she’s in a pretty fucked up situation at only 11 years old.

But, yes, I would be putting my foot down too. She can hate you as much as she wants but she’ll have to do it under your roof.

Unless of course, she feels like you’re dragging her 50 miles away so you can be closer to your boyfriend...

If you’re letting your DD call the shots now, you have no chance when she’s a hormonal teenager.

You’re the adult so act like it.

I totally agree with everyone saying - you are the parent, you make the decision.

BUT

if she puts her foot down and physically won't move, and Grandma is there (because let's face it, she is going to be)

HOW, just HOW does OP put her int he car and drive off?
She will open the door, run away, disappear so she can't go, scream blue murder so a neighbour calls police, grab steering wheel.....

If a strong 11 year old decides they aren't going, I am not sure how you can make them?

I would also agree with move, just move. Once it is a done deal, then worry about schools. She is more likely to comply once she realises there is no going back

You are doing the right thing to get some distance with your mother, you really are. Your DD may not have the emotional maturity to understand this right now, but you will be a better parent and a better person for not having this enmeshed relationship in your life. Do it, and don't look back. for you for what you have been through.

Where is your mother going to live?

I think you should move away. Your DD is going to be resistant. That's normal.

My concern is what happens if she doesn't get the bursary? I'm not entirely convinced that moving to a place where you seem to think there is only one good school (that presumably is dependent on both a bursary and an entrance interview/exam) is the best move for your DD.

You've been dominated by your DM and now seem to be making decisions to bring you closer to your DP. You need to appreciate that may not be the best option for your DD.

Thanks all so much for your responses. So many of you are saying what I know already, that I am the parent and I need to take the decision. But it's very difficult to hold on to this when someone is doing their best, and often succeeding, in making you feel guilty and afraid.

Re the bursary, I've made enquiries at Oswestry school and they don't have any funds left for next year. Adcote have advised me to apply and see what happens and have asked me and DD to visit. So yes, it's not a guaranteed thing but all I can do is encourage DD to visit the school and show that I want her to be somewhere she will thrive and that if she refuses to visit, that is up to her if she wants to settle for a school that may not suit her so well.

DP and I have been together for a little over a year. I visit him in Wolverhampton. I didn't want him to come to mine as I worried the stressful atmosphere between me and my mum would send him running for the hills asap, although he is aware of the situation. I don't know yet if we will end up living together but we both would like to be nearer each other. Once I'm not living with my mum and if we're nearer each other, he can spend time at mine and also get to know DD and I won't have to go to his and be away from her every time we meet up.

Re the counselling, I already asked our GP for referral for DD earlier this year but when it came to arranging appointments, DD flat out refused to go and is still refusing to go. Difficult to force anyone, child or adult, to engage with counselling if they don't want to.

For last 6 years, mum has been living with us in my house (although she helped with the deposit and I owe her her share back when I sell. I've paid all bills and mortgage). Before this, me and DD lived with mum in her small house and I paid her mortgage and bills (living there was meant to be temporary for 6-12 months after DD born until I found my own place, then mum acted up every time I tried to leave, including when we moved and I bought my own place, unfortunately I was weak amd alowed myself to be guilted into letting her move in with us, thinking that in a big house she'd respect my space and let me get on with my own life. Wrong).

The actual practicality of making DD do what she does not want to do is extremely difficult as she is as tall as me and physically stockier. I am a slight 5ft1 and have postural tachycardia and also currently a slipped lumbosacral disc. When I ask her to do something she doesn't want, especially if it's something big that she's angry and upset about like the move, she can get physical, will literally refuse to budge and can kick and shove. I am not physically strong enough to pick her up and put her in the car. With my mum around while this is going on, the situation can get very charged and is to be quite honest a nightmare. I am currently thinking I will have to compromise and stick with buying a house in Hereford where we currently live and keep DD at her current school. In that situation my mum would be living about 5 miles away. I have clearly expressed to her why I am desperately unhappy with the current situation.

Hi, my mum is an active 72 and has already found a house to rent which she is moving into next month, and will be buying a flat to rent out once my sale completes and I give her back her share of this place.