To insist that DD age 11 change schools so we can move away?

[sophiebeth]

So I've posted on here about 6 months ago about the very difficult dynamic between me, my mum and DD. We have lived together since DD a baby, she's now 11. Have made attempts to get somewhere separate for us from my mum over the yrs but mum uses emotional blackmail to wear me down until I can't cope with the fear and guilt and agree that we stay living together. She undermines me in front of DD, has totally taken over, I've been to extensive therapy to try to break the enmeshment between my mum and I, so I can give DD a psychologically healthier environment and also be happy myself.
Situation now is I finally got the balls to put house on market, put foot down when mum had hysterics and tried to make me feel like terrible person for wanting to live separately from her. House is SSTC but I am stuck finding somewhere to buy because, due to witnessing my mum (her nan) throw tantrums and get upset about is moving, DD is angry with me and refusing to move to another school. I don't want to stay in same town any more, feel need to be further away from mum who I know will still try to interfere between me and DD. I want to move 50 miles away (Shropshire) whch is also nearer my DP. I've found a house which is near good transport links, only 1hr16min train journey back to see my mum if DD wants to visit for the weekend. Also have an opportunity to get DD into really good school (private) as long as I can get bursary - but DD would have to visit and meet with the head and she absolutely refuses to. State schools in the same area (Oswestry) aren't that great and the decent ones in Shrewsbury have no places for September so little point buying house there. DD is extremely bright and musical but not being stretched at current school and losing interest in things she has talent for. She tells me that if I try to make her move schools and away from our town, she will move in with my mum. I have told her this is not an option for her. She has only been at current school for a year and although I know it would be really hard for her to leave her new friends and adjust to a different place, I'm sure she would settle in and be happy somewhere else. The situation is so stressful that I am starting to get lost in the emotional upset of it and wonder how I will sort it all out.
Sorry for long post but am at my wit's end and really struggling to hold it together. I could settle for a house where we live now and leave DD at current school but this will teach her that throwing tanteums and making threats gets you what you want, and means I won't get us away from my mum's negative influence. Help!

I don't know the UK situation, is it possible for her to talk to some kind of counsellor at school?

It's really good that your mum has found somewhere else - hopefully just the fact that your mother has already moved out when you then move will start to loosen the ties your DD has with her.

Probably a silly question - but have you tried sitting DD down and talking to her about how concerned you are over the negative effect your mother is having on both you and DD? Has your counsellor offered you any advice on the subject?

I would still try and stick to the orginal plan of putting some significant distance between the two of you and your mother if you possibly can.

Can you rent somewhere in Hereford just for another year, while preparing to buy in your preferred location? That might be less of a struggle, while still (slightly more gradually) making the move away from your mother. Hopefully you would also have secured a bursary there for DD the following year.

Hi, yes, there is a counsellor at school and I have asked DD to talk witbher but she absolutely refuses. And I have explained to her that I love Nana but I find living with her very difficult and I'm concerned that the atmosphere is not healthy for DD and I believe it will be better for all of us if me and DD live separately from my mum. Which DD has grudgingly sort of accepted, as long as we stay in Hereford and I don't change her school.

Well it's a start and will be much healthier than you all living together. And will enable you to then put some much needed boundaries in place.

Would you DD consider visiting the school you're thinking of, just to see?

I asked her yesterday if she would come and look around this school and she yelled 'No!' in my face, called me an evil sadist and started throwing things at me. So at present, that's not looking likely.

Have you shown her the Adcote prospectus? I live near there. There are some excellent schools in North Shropshire and in Chester, both independent and state. Bishop Heber in Malpas is outstanding if they have space.

Oh dear.

I think go ahead with the sale, move into a separate house away from your mother and wait for the dust to settle. If you can put firm boundaries in place about how often you and your dd have contact with your mother (in person, by phone, social media - make sure you are monitoring all of it), her grip should start to loosen and you may find that dd’s behaviour starts to improve. Perhaps baby steps are what’s needed here.

I think yabu. The children I know who were forced to go to a school.they didn't want to did not do as well as they should have. And I think a bursary is pie in the sky as decisions will already have been made for next year.

No, not shown DD prospectus yet. I will try again later. Spoke to Bishop Heber a few days ago and they are full but said I could submit a midterm application and go on the waiting list. Not sure what other state schools are in that area but guess I'd have to be nearer Chester to be in catchment for those. I could risk just buying in that area and hoping a place at a decent state school comes up before September, in meantime working on encouraging DD to consider entrance exams (academic tests don't stress her, she is confident in her abilities. But she won't do it because it's me asking her to). Anyway, I've submitted finances forms to Adcote and they are going to let me know about likelihood of maximum bursary asap so if that's a no go, I can crack on with other options.

Yes, I really do feel DDs behaviour will improve once she sees that I can parent without my mum around and once she is getting consistent messages from me without those being undermined.

I know you would like to be somewhere closer to your dp but I would be very afraid that being only 50 miles away in the same country your DD would be running back to nan.

Having your mother move out is the first step and hopefully she will start to put things into perspective if she is not visiting or running to your DMS flat every 5 minutes.

Otherwise you could look at moving abroad for the foreseeable future and put some real distance between your DD and your DM.

I think your DD is probably feeling much the same as other children who's parents are divorcing. It is scary because the status quo is changing and the future is unknown

Yes, you have a point. I would not force DD to go to a school where she would be unhappy. The change in school is a possible necessity because I do not want to live near my mum who has a negative influence on DD's relationship with me. So I'm looking for places which are similar to the one she's at (small, rural) which would be a good fit for her. If I can't find a school place that I think is right for her, I won't force her to change schools and we will have to stay put in this town, but it will be harder for me to set boundaries with my mum.

Hmm, I think a move abroad would be too drastic. I do not want to cut off all contact with my mum. That would be too hard on DD and as long as I have the space in my own home to parent DD the way I choose, without the constant and instant undermining, hopefully things should improve. I will be limiting contact between DD and my mum but still want DD to be able to see her nan regularly, unless it becomes apparent that my mum is continuing to run me down to her. However, it does worry me, that if I decide to stay in Hereford and the situation with my mum does not improve, then we may be moving again - more upheaval for DD and by then will be even harder for her to leave her school and friends. I think 50 miles away is enough to create a healthy distance and I don't think DD would run away. Just so hard to know what to do and the pressure is on to make a decision in next week or two as I don't want to lose my house sale.

Just a heads up - have only been able to read half the thread as on lunch break and running out of time...

I know I'm going to get slated by the "Be the Parent Brigade' for this, but having a verrrry difficult 11 yr old daughter myself, I feel your pain. Is 'disguised bribery' an option? You offer her a 'not open for negotiation' bribe (and therefore remaining in control of the situation) to move. There must be something she is hankering after, be it a kitten, new phone, instrument etc? Obviously I know that, in theory, it is not an ideal approach, but at the end of the day it's a win:win. My daughter was willing to jump through hoops of fire (figuratively speaking) for a kitten - we got a LOT of mileage out of that one!

My dd has moved schools twice and once to a different continent because of her dad's job, and it won't be the last time. She gets upset but we explain that we are the parents and she is not an after thought. When it gets nearer to the critical point educationally (gcses etc) we will have some tough decisions. But the adults make the decisions, not the children. It's too important to let an 11 yo decide.

Although you obviously need to get away from your Mum, as the situation is not good. You need to remember that your DD has only ever known living with your Mum so this will be a big change for her. And obviously your Mum's histrionics are only going to add fuel to that.

It's a shame that she won't speak to a counsellor.

You are in danger of identifying yourself by giving so many details.

Much easier to change schools now than in a couple of years. Sounds like your mum is cooperating actually. Can she tell your daughter it's best for you to move, and she can visit?
Don't ask your daughter, tell her, this is what we are going to do.

I wouldn't delay this any longer. Because in truth a court would probably already let her decide which of you she wanted to live with.

And I moved my kids at 8 and again at 11. No one wanted to but they were to better schools each time.

Thanks again all who have responded. It's good to not feel so alone. I think I'm going to have to stick with buying the house in the town where we currently are - too much of a gamble to move DD to completely different area and not be able to get her into a suitable school. At least once we have moved, I will be doing all the things for her that my mum currently does (when I say my mum has taken over, she insists on doing all the cooking and taking DD to activities which although practically is 'helpful', when I tried to take back the reins it's been such hard work to actually get her to back off I often just give up. Yes, I have been weak and complicit in mother's training me to be useless and I don't feel good about it. But that is going to change). Feeling emotionally worn out and disappointed not to be escaping further away but should be able to keep mother at a distance. My DBro doesn't live far away and he manages to.

You can do this. Little steps. There'll be hard days for sure, but hold onto your end goal.

Thank you, the moral support means a lot. I'm sure I'll be looking back at replies on here for encouragement over the coming months.

We'll have your back lass

Hi Sophibeth

You are doing the right thing, I think what you've just said about buying a house locally is the right way to go and you will reap the benefits.

Once you've got your space both literally and your headspace I really hope things settle down between you and your mum, I think she is petrified of being obsolete. I'm sure she hasn't set out to come between you and your daughter, but I think she is scared of being alone. I really hope that you can find the right balance.

There's a series of threads called 'stately homes' on here that you'll probably find useful, they're in relationships I believe.

I'd also refuse to engage with your mum outside of a very limited window- no picking up from school, make sure you remove permission. You don't answer calls/ texts, you do NOT give her a key to the new place and you just don't answer the door unless it's convenient.

If she undermines you, you turn around and leave, if you meet outside of home this is easier. Make sure DD is aware of this and tell her it's up to her Nan- if your mum wants a relationship with her GD then she acts in an acceptable manner.

Could you go for counseling to figure out some ways of getting your DD back on your side?