To insist that DD age 11 change schools so we can move away?

[sophiebeth]

So I've posted on here about 6 months ago about the very difficult dynamic between me, my mum and DD. We have lived together since DD a baby, she's now 11. Have made attempts to get somewhere separate for us from my mum over the yrs but mum uses emotional blackmail to wear me down until I can't cope with the fear and guilt and agree that we stay living together. She undermines me in front of DD, has totally taken over, I've been to extensive therapy to try to break the enmeshment between my mum and I, so I can give DD a psychologically healthier environment and also be happy myself.
Situation now is I finally got the balls to put house on market, put foot down when mum had hysterics and tried to make me feel like terrible person for wanting to live separately from her. House is SSTC but I am stuck finding somewhere to buy because, due to witnessing my mum (her nan) throw tantrums and get upset about is moving, DD is angry with me and refusing to move to another school. I don't want to stay in same town any more, feel need to be further away from mum who I know will still try to interfere between me and DD. I want to move 50 miles away (Shropshire) whch is also nearer my DP. I've found a house which is near good transport links, only 1hr16min train journey back to see my mum if DD wants to visit for the weekend. Also have an opportunity to get DD into really good school (private) as long as I can get bursary - but DD would have to visit and meet with the head and she absolutely refuses to. State schools in the same area (Oswestry) aren't that great and the decent ones in Shrewsbury have no places for September so little point buying house there. DD is extremely bright and musical but not being stretched at current school and losing interest in things she has talent for. She tells me that if I try to make her move schools and away from our town, she will move in with my mum. I have told her this is not an option for her. She has only been at current school for a year and although I know it would be really hard for her to leave her new friends and adjust to a different place, I'm sure she would settle in and be happy somewhere else. The situation is so stressful that I am starting to get lost in the emotional upset of it and wonder how I will sort it all out.
Sorry for long post but am at my wit's end and really struggling to hold it together. I could settle for a house where we live now and leave DD at current school but this will teach her that throwing tanteums and making threats gets you what you want, and means I won't get us away from my mum's negative influence. Help!

Oh, I'm sure my mum is acting out of fear and not malice, but it is very difficult to be the one who is made to feel responsible for these feelings and I wish my mum would accept that me and DD do not exist to give her a sense of purpose. I have had extensive therapy re the situation which has helped me to stand up to my mum. But I still find it very difficult to deal with my anxiety around the whole situation. I'm sure I will do a lot better at parenting DD in our own space but it will take time for her to start to respect me

The private school I was looking at for DD, which would involve moving away, has offered me a generous bursary before even meeting her (I chatted with them & told them about her interests and strengths & think they liked the sound of her!) Before I definitely stick with going ahead with the house purchase here, I think I'll tell DD she has a great opportunity to go to this other school, show her the website and say I can take her there, they'd love to meet her - but if I get a very unhappy reaction to this then I'll leave her at her current school. I want her to know she has this opportunity without putting the pressure on her to make the decision and will make it clear if she seems at all interested that visiting the school doesn't mean she has to go there if I think it won't suit her. I don't know - it's very difficult to show her the alternative of the other school without giving her the impression that the decision is up to her, but I want her to see what she could be missing out on.

By the way, everyone on here has been great. Thanks all so much again

She’s not old enough to be making decisions with consequences that she doesn’t see, IMO.

If this school will serve her better now and in the future, then I’m afraid I’d be coming down pretty hard about it.

Sometimes we have to take a hard line. And I would tell her the threats about not living with you are wearing very thin.

So unless her grandmother wants to take you to court in a custody battle, you’re both moving.

I know, I really don't think DD should feel like it's her decision but also don't want her to feel that her feelings don't count and she's not being listened to. Trying to arrange appt to visit school, going to talk to DDs current school to let them know I'm taking her to look around and think the only way I'll get DD to visit the school is if I don't tell her beforehand. Only thing that worries me about this is, is it underhand? Will I lose her trust? So hard to know what is right thing to do. But that's the only way I'll physically get her there.

Move, continue.... do it. Change brings so much good, and it's great. It's hard at the time, but so many benefits. Breakfree.... tell your mum you love her, that she has been so much more than a gran and that you wan to move because it's time for you to be a grown up in your own unit.. Your mum maybe feeling so much fear of losing you both who she loves so much, but constantly share how much you appreciate her- brain wash her into thinking this is a great idea..... and then tell her how she will be better off for more single time, friends etc..

Yeah, I've said all this to her before. We're definitely moving into a separate house from my mum, that's happening. Just still torn over whether to stay in same town and risk having mum still saying 'let me pick up DD from school today', 'let me take her to football' and finding reasons why I shouldn't be doing these parent things myself. Only today I've had to insist that it will be me collecting DD from school and tell my mum not to do it.....or to risk buying further away, taking DD to this school which have offered v generous bursary, only for her to deliberately flunk the entrance chat with the Head and tests. Think I'll press on with the school visit and see how that goes...

I don’t know. Maybe I’m too harsh.

But I would be less concerned about losing her trust and more concerned about her behavior around this.

Of course her feelings matter but the amount of acting out is ridiculous.

And if that’s due to your mother’s influence then the influence needs to go. End of story.

You sound a teeny bit like a pushover with both of them, OP. You’re an adult and more importantly; you’re the parent!

I think with this school wanting DD you move away. You need to be more truthful with DD and state that granny will not let you be an independent adult hence you need to move away and your decision is final.

You facilitate her visiting current friends etc but it's happening

I have tried to explain this to DD already, about nan not letting me be independent adult etc. But trouble is, nan has gone on in front of DD about how I won't be able to cope without her help. DD believes this, amd unfortunately she has witnessed me go through a long period of ill health a few years ago during which time nan helped a lot with practical stuff. I'm a lot better now and don't need all that help but DD doesn't believe I can manage. So I have a lot of work to do.

No you don’t have a lot of work to do.

Look, you’re treating your dd as an adult and actually, that’s a bit unfair because she’s a kid and sometimes they need to be told how something is.

By pussyfooting around this and acting like you need to work on your dd, you’re doing her a disservice. The poor kid shouldn’t be in the middle of this shit storm.

In the nicest possible way: grow up and put your big girl pants on. Be a mother, and make the decision that’s right for your family (you and dd).

Yes, I know I need to be a lot more assertive. I didn't mean a lot of work to do on DD, I meant a lot of work on showing her that I'm the parent and not useless like my mum would have her believe.

You don't need to buy a house straight away. If you're not sure where all this is going to take you would it not make sense to rent in the area you are in with a view to buying later?

Urgh, it does sound as if your mother has done a number on her. Good for you for recognising it and taking steps to fix things.

I worry that my own mother has this tendency, and am hyper-aware of this sort of (a) taking control in an inappropriate way, (b) feeling an inappropriate level of 'ownership' of my children, and (c) undermining my own parenting, especially in front of the children.

If the new school will offer a bursary without having met DD, can you present it to her as a done deal? I don't normally go for this kind of thing but in this situation I might suggest a bit of gentle bribery to make the move more attractive to DD!

Ah, I get you.

I agree with presenting it as a done deal.

There should be a power imbalance in parent/child relationships. The parent should never, ever abuse that power. But it needs to be there for decisions like this.

Good luck!

I think the private school would be unlikely to award a bursary to any child that is giving off I don't want to come here vibes.

Sorry.

I think your situation with your mother sounds so dire I would get your dd a place in any school in Shropshire for now and then introduce her to the private option.

Well you could always be blunt. DD, we are moving. You can either go to this tour of the private school and hope they give you a bursary or you can go to the really shit state school that has spaces because no one else wanted to go there. Your choice. Maybe even frighten her a bit. Find the dodgiest looking state school and force her to go on a tour there and tell her that us the only other option.

she does as she is told, frankly. she will understand when she is older. get away from your toxic mother before your daughter learns any more of this.

btw the state school in the area is fine and if you live in the town she can walk there like most of the kids, will do her good. the private school is not as easy.

Hi specialsubject sounds like you know the area - would you say it's a nice place for older kids and teens to live? I liked it when I went to view house but I'm not a teenager!

She's 11. She doesn't have a choice. Stop giving her one. Be a fucking parent.

Your life. Moving is good. Creates change. It forces us to liberate ourselves from old things that we thought reinforced our idea of who we are. It's great. It's hard. You need to move away from your mum, that's suffocating. Think of subtle ways to thank them, share how exciting this will be for all of you. And set the tone. Your mother can not undermine you. This is your life bella. Don't please others all of the time.

She’s is 11 had in notice to old school apply and by uniform for new school that is all

Why are you considering buying where you currently are? From how you've described your mother it seems to me that this - Just still torn over whether to stay in same town and risk having mum still saying 'let me pick up DD from school today', 'let me take her to football' and finding reasons why I shouldn't be doing these parent things myself - isn't just a risk, it's an absolute certainty! I don't understand why you're considering it.

You need to move away and you know this. You're trying and trying to persuade DD and get her on side but that's just not going to happen.

IMO it's time to tell her kindly but very definitely that this is happening. You can acknowledge her worries but you have to stop letting her think it's a negotiation because you're both just going round in circles. Right now she thinks refusing to go see the school means you can't move and your response to that (second guessing where you'll live) kind of says she's right.

Make up your mind what you're doing and put your plans into action. Leave the prospectus lying around somewhere she'll see it, maybe along with colour charts/furniture catalogues that could get her thinking about her new room? Reassure her that she can have friends come to stay, that she'll be able to visit her current friends and her gran. But most of all let her see that the decision is made.

As DD is 11 and not far from the terrible teens I would move a long way from your DM. If you think you have problems now, in a few years if Dd and DM gang up you won’t stand a tiny chance.
You are being kind to DM when you should be prioritising getting away as far as possible for your own sake. I suspect you might be kidding yourself about how firm you will be in the future.
Get your new life set up properly, new school for DD and new life not including DM (apart from maybe xmas) for you.

After the immense amount of thought I've given this and agonising over what is right for DD and how I'm going to deal with DMs histrionics until we move, I've decided to put in offer to the further away house, withdraw offer on house here and take DD to visit the school asap (school have said yes to this), telling her on the way she can show her best self to the Head and try her best at the tests (she would sail through them, I'm sure, but has talked of deliberately sabotaging entrance tests), or she can go to any school in the area that has places (as some of you have suggested). I've got a list of other school options if the visit doesn't go well. I agree that once DD knows I have made a firm decision then a) she may respect me more and b) she will realise that it's not worth throwing tantrums because it won't change the plan. I can do this (think am going to need a mantra)

@msmotherofdragons I think the mother who won't let go of her adult children is more common than some realise. I hope your situation is at least manageable