To insist that DD age 11 change schools so we can move away?

[sophiebeth]

So I've posted on here about 6 months ago about the very difficult dynamic between me, my mum and DD. We have lived together since DD a baby, she's now 11. Have made attempts to get somewhere separate for us from my mum over the yrs but mum uses emotional blackmail to wear me down until I can't cope with the fear and guilt and agree that we stay living together. She undermines me in front of DD, has totally taken over, I've been to extensive therapy to try to break the enmeshment between my mum and I, so I can give DD a psychologically healthier environment and also be happy myself.
Situation now is I finally got the balls to put house on market, put foot down when mum had hysterics and tried to make me feel like terrible person for wanting to live separately from her. House is SSTC but I am stuck finding somewhere to buy because, due to witnessing my mum (her nan) throw tantrums and get upset about is moving, DD is angry with me and refusing to move to another school. I don't want to stay in same town any more, feel need to be further away from mum who I know will still try to interfere between me and DD. I want to move 50 miles away (Shropshire) whch is also nearer my DP. I've found a house which is near good transport links, only 1hr16min train journey back to see my mum if DD wants to visit for the weekend. Also have an opportunity to get DD into really good school (private) as long as I can get bursary - but DD would have to visit and meet with the head and she absolutely refuses to. State schools in the same area (Oswestry) aren't that great and the decent ones in Shrewsbury have no places for September so little point buying house there. DD is extremely bright and musical but not being stretched at current school and losing interest in things she has talent for. She tells me that if I try to make her move schools and away from our town, she will move in with my mum. I have told her this is not an option for her. She has only been at current school for a year and although I know it would be really hard for her to leave her new friends and adjust to a different place, I'm sure she would settle in and be happy somewhere else. The situation is so stressful that I am starting to get lost in the emotional upset of it and wonder how I will sort it all out.
Sorry for long post but am at my wit's end and really struggling to hold it together. I could settle for a house where we live now and leave DD at current school but this will teach her that throwing tanteums and making threats gets you what you want, and means I won't get us away from my mum's negative influence. Help!

Switch the WiFi off - or chnage password so you can MN

Reasonable behaviour gets the password. Poor behaviour gets the password changed. Not getting washed or dressed - it's Sunday - they don't matter! Not leaving room = no lunch as it's served elsewhere.

I see this as her trying to provoke me into being authoritative.

You should be authoritative - that's your job as parent! You can however be authoritative without shouting.

How good a school is it that is so quick to offer a bursary this late on to a child who they haven't even met!?

Calm and consistent

Write a list of behaviours V consequence
Rude? Loss of wifi
Won't come off - set time limits on your router or buy a Koala box (it's great)
When you know the rules stick to them

Agree - she wants food she has to come get it - if not tea in the bin and only offer fruit or toast

I think the bursary is conditional on what they make of her when they meet her.

Yes, I have physically taken phone/laptop off DD, in one case locking laptop in boot of my car for a week as she was turning the house upside down looking for it. DM is always around and shouting/crying over me while I'm trying to discipline my own child, arguing with me about how I discipline in front of DD, taking over the situation, laying down her own conditions to DD then going back on them or changing them every 5 mins. It's a complete nightmare. Once when I stepped in and took laptop off DD, she punched me so hard I fell to the floor and couldn't speak or move. I have tried but parenting her with DM around has been a constant exhausting battle.

OP Have you been to visit Adcote yourself yet? Just worried in case you're getting all your hopes up without having been there yet. Will you be able to manage the location because it's not easy to get to? Although the school does run its own buses.

In answer to other people's questions about the bursary, the 'competition' for girls at 11 is quite strong in that area and a few schools are very well known for offering big bursaries to get numbers up.

Adcote bus leaves from v near where new house is - easily walkable in minutes. I'll have to see what I think if it when we visit, even if I think it's great, visit will have to go well with DD in order for her to be offeres place, so if not state school application is the alternative. Have done fair bit of research on the school and think they want to increase numbers and get reputation as STEM specialist place. Told them DD is gifted at Maths and they seemed very pleased with that. Also very friendly and accommodating staff I've spoken with so far which I think is a good sign.

That's good, just wanted to make sure you knew how rural it is because logistics for a lot of parents can be a nightmare. Good luck with the visit!

Thanks! DD at rural school which is tricky to drive to at present. Just had to Google how to change wifi password. Have acknowledged with DD that it must be very confusing to her when me and DM disagree in front of her but have made it very clear and keep repeating what I consider to be acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Unfortunately most of the time DM is around and undermines what I say or if she also finds DD's behaviour unacceptable, she shouts and cries and stomps around, which is not how I like to deal with things so I end up not only having to try to discipline DD but at the same time asking DM to calm down and let me get on with it by myself, which she never just accepts but turns on me. This is what I'm going to escape from very soon.

Have had tough day with DD (DM been out most of day so I managed to confiscate phone, change passwords, have stern words with DD). We actually had a really nice afternoon after that playing board games and going up the playing field. As soon as DM got home, DD switched into terrible sulk and started being rude again. Did my best to remain calmly authoritative and not put up with any crap. Gets to this evening after dinner and DD needs to wash hair. DM has so far insisted on being the one to wash DDs hair (at the kitchen sink because that is where she always washes her hair...yeah, I know). Every time, I tell her not to and tell DD she must wash her own hair at her age. I have shown her how to do it countless times and she just makes a huge fuss and says nana can do it and she'll only have it done in the sink. FFS. So she has massive sulk because I make her do it herself in the bathroom tonight and tells me she's not going to live with me. I say yes she is, that's final and she starts interrogating about where we are moving, well is it outside hometown? I say I'm not discussing any further so DD tells DM I am moving out of town and she is not coming with me. DM unleashes vitriolic tirade at me in front of DD calling me self-centred, having no insight, no consideration for DD, tells me I'm weird because I haven't gone out and made friends locally for DDs benefit (after moving here and dealing with courtcase with ex I had a collapse with chronic fatogue and could barelt manage to work at all, let alone socialise. It toom me ages and a lot of willpower to recover to the point I'm at now) and that I should have got a DP locally and I'm just like my ex (who was controlling and unpleasant) and always 'choose weirdos'. I said it would be better for both of them if they could cooperate and be pleasant only to be told I'm being horrible and threatening and then DD punched me. Have had to walk away so I don't end up a screaming mess myself.

Walked back into room to tell DD to get to bed and found DM muttering to her, 'that's disgusting for your mum to do that. How can you go somewhere you don't know anyone? You don't have to go, you really don't' - she didn't realise I was in the doorway and when I told her I'd heard every word she tried to deny she'd said it! At least I'm feeling even more sure that I'm doing the right thing.

Hi Op,

So horrified by this thread, wish l could help you...

You are doing the right thing for BOTH you and DD...despite how hard it is please keep going, your DM sounds completely unhinged and vile.

Make that new start and your life will be so much better.

Thanks, it's really helping to hear you all on here telling me I can do it. Before I had therapy I would have taken DMs accusations to heart and engaged in the back and forth and it would have gone on half the night until we both ended up crying and DM would be all 'it's only because I love you' and try to force an apology that I'd feel guilted into giving. So at least I've made some progress as that doesn't happen any more. I am worried about DDs inevitable hopefully short term upset and anger and the move but hope that I'll be able to deal with this better once away from DM. Have told DD it's fine for her to be upset and angry and I understand that she is, but taking it out with physical violence is not ok so if she feels like punching something i will get her a punchbag because people are not punchbags. She seemed to think this was a good idea. Again school counsellor suggestion was rejected.

It really does sound like you are doing all the right things op....explaing to DD all the time, but not giving in, staying v calm, which must be so hard.

It would be utterly pointless to engage with DM in any way so well done for ignoring as much as possible.

How soon before you Go?

I think you'll find the situation much improves once you're away from that woman.
I think you are too fair. She knows what she's doing. She had her chance to be a mother, now it's your turn.
I'm absolutely rooting for you OP, I'm in a not dissimilar situation. Would love to be a fly on the wall on D Day. Would take your DD there first and then let your DM know by phone though. Otherwise I can see her physically dragging your daughter to stop you taking her. I wouldn't even discuss developments with DD at this stage. Just get her in the car and get there, even if she goes to a state school X

Well, tomorrow I need to sort out all the legal and mortgage stuff to change the house I'm purchasing to the one further away. Buyer's valuation for here is getting done tomorrow, I need to get searches done on the one I'm buying...so it'll still take a few weeks til completion, I guess. Sooner the better

Phew you have had such a time and yet are making great strides, amazing! It will be rocky no doubt but you know what you are working towards and that freedom is going to be a great incentive. Your parenting is coming on well, you know what kind of parent you want to be and, given the chance to do it without sabotage (the hair washing omg! ), will be a great success. Your daughter will recognise all this in the future. No child likes the idea of change much so it's up to us to make the decisions in their best interest.
I too recommend looking at the worst state school as the alternative option! And talking about what she would like from the move in terms of new opportunities. Possibly also suggest that as she grows older, if she stayed near your mum her freedom would definitely be curtailed in terms of the controlling behaviour that you have been affected by...
Pre-teens - limited independence (time in town with friends e.g two hours), pocket money that includes incentives and sanctions (mine are lose 50p for each day that phone is used for more than 1 hour in the evening, and a chore is not done. To begin with I had to supervise the chores and make them simple and easy - dry up a small washing up load, take down laundry, hoover one room with a cordless etc. now she is beginning to do jobs unasked - hurray!) And never forget how much reassurance, praise and boundaries are important - they seem to know-it-all but have lots of doubts and anxieties bubbling away underneath!

Please keep posting and let us knows how you're getting on!

Also I would recommend something like yoga to help your DD recognise her anger and how to self clam - rather than the punchbag (because she can do that!)

Miladamermalada so sorry you're in a similar situation. It is so very hard. Since therapy I feel I can at least cope with it a bit better, even if it's exhausting. But DD doesn't and can't be expected to understand. I need to get her away from this

Where is your mum going to live if she lives with you? Just be very careful she doesn't come with you x

Tbh, your Mum is emotionally abusing your DD by being so horrible about you to her. Can you tell her to leave now? Will be easier to prepare DD to move without your DM around.

Mila If you read the thread from the start, this is already sorted. DM is not going with them - thank the Lord!

DM has already got somewhere to rent as of this month but apparently has to do it up before she can move in. She has befriended the neighbours already and is getting on with having kitchen fitted etc etc. She's unlikely to follow me, will simply act up like this until I go then probably try to call me at least once a day if not several times to tell me how awful I am.

Great advice about the chores. DD at present does nothing - I've had no space to put my own plan into effect. DM is often moaning about how DD is lazy and shouting at her for not helping out but then when I ask DD to help with a chore, DM will say, oh she can't, she's got to do xyz, or 'leave her alone, she's busy'. Giant facepalms all round

Sorry I didn't notice that bit. No reading glasses as have left them at work!
My kids do sweet FA either OP so not just you. x

Yes Camels, I calmly asked DM to leave this evening after this torrent of criticism of my whole personality and life in front of DD. And she refused to go. But she does have a rental property she can move into in the next few weeks so I'll just have to stick it until then unless she gets worse, in which case tough shit, she can stay with one of her many friends who all think she's so great and I'm so awful (a couple of them have told me she needs to let me live my own life and back off from DD but they won't tell her)