To insist that DD age 11 change schools so we can move away?

[sophiebeth]

So I've posted on here about 6 months ago about the very difficult dynamic between me, my mum and DD. We have lived together since DD a baby, she's now 11. Have made attempts to get somewhere separate for us from my mum over the yrs but mum uses emotional blackmail to wear me down until I can't cope with the fear and guilt and agree that we stay living together. She undermines me in front of DD, has totally taken over, I've been to extensive therapy to try to break the enmeshment between my mum and I, so I can give DD a psychologically healthier environment and also be happy myself.
Situation now is I finally got the balls to put house on market, put foot down when mum had hysterics and tried to make me feel like terrible person for wanting to live separately from her. House is SSTC but I am stuck finding somewhere to buy because, due to witnessing my mum (her nan) throw tantrums and get upset about is moving, DD is angry with me and refusing to move to another school. I don't want to stay in same town any more, feel need to be further away from mum who I know will still try to interfere between me and DD. I want to move 50 miles away (Shropshire) whch is also nearer my DP. I've found a house which is near good transport links, only 1hr16min train journey back to see my mum if DD wants to visit for the weekend. Also have an opportunity to get DD into really good school (private) as long as I can get bursary - but DD would have to visit and meet with the head and she absolutely refuses to. State schools in the same area (Oswestry) aren't that great and the decent ones in Shrewsbury have no places for September so little point buying house there. DD is extremely bright and musical but not being stretched at current school and losing interest in things she has talent for. She tells me that if I try to make her move schools and away from our town, she will move in with my mum. I have told her this is not an option for her. She has only been at current school for a year and although I know it would be really hard for her to leave her new friends and adjust to a different place, I'm sure she would settle in and be happy somewhere else. The situation is so stressful that I am starting to get lost in the emotional upset of it and wonder how I will sort it all out.
Sorry for long post but am at my wit's end and really struggling to hold it together. I could settle for a house where we live now and leave DD at current school but this will teach her that throwing tanteums and making threats gets you what you want, and means I won't get us away from my mum's negative influence. Help!

[sophiebeth]

Well, DD was quiet but fairly good-humoured on the school visit. I was proud of her. There are no problems at all with her behaviour at school. But when we got home, she said the school was alright but it just didn't feel right. From my pov, I thought head and other staff were really welcoming and friendly, the girls were polite and seemed to get on well between the year groups, which was nice, they've just employed a very proactive head of music...but it didn't seem any better in terms of class work than her current state school, which is frustrating because even with their max bursary it will still cost me several hundred a month I could only just afford. The library at DDs current school is much better, this one basically just a few books on some shelves in a room, which stings a bit considering would be paying considerable amount. Did have a really nice atmosphere and a nice small school family feel but didn't that well equipped considering private. I may well go all out to get a place at Bishop Heber even though no place at present, one might come up.

But even so, the main success of the day was that DD came along without a massive row and we're having a nice evening now.

[teaandbiscuitsforme]

Op I wouldn't say Adcote has a reputation for the highest academics. It's a good all rounder type school but definitely not the highest attaining. Did you get any further with Moreton? And have you looked into the Shrewsbury private schools?

Also, any reason why you're discounting the state schools which are much closer? Have you visited them all?

[chickenloverwoman]

Great!

[MrsMozart]

Good update lass.

[billybagpuss]

Thats a great update. The school sounds frustrating as it doesn't sound like it necessarily offers value for money. Hope your search goes well

[sophiebeth]

Thanks all for your encouragement. teaandbiscuits I'm sure some MNers (can't remember if a way back on this thread or another I asked about schools on) said don't bother with the state schools near Oswestry so that put me off...but then not everyone will have the same opinion, I know. I do tend to be swayed by an outstanding ofsted rating too...just looking for best I can get for DD

[fuzzyfozzy]

Maybe have a show round a few other schools then your daughter can get to choose her own school, might give her a sense of ownership about the whole thing.

[sophiebeth]

Yeah would be good to do that but logistically, every time we do a school visit would be a day off normal school for her and also needs to be day I'm not working so we can't do that too many times. Anyone have experience of The Marches School, Oswestry? Am sure some on MN have said avoid but then I've also heard good things about it

[GreenTulips]

Good offseason school tend to be focused on grades rather than the whole child's ethos.

[sophiebeth]

Ok, thanks. Do you know anything about whether bullying is much of an issue? DD is not into stereotypically 'girly' things at all, no interest in hair, makeup. Would not want her in environment where the majority of girls place a lot of emphasis on that and bully those who don't. I know that can happen anywhere but doesn't seem to be a problem in her current year

[teaandbiscuitsforme]

I don't know much about the Marches (not quite my area) but I know they do a lot of good stuff for teachers. I definitely wouldn't be swayed by an outstanding Ofsted (as a teacher). Also consider Corbet, a very good school.

Private schools, if she's academic then you should look at the Shrewsbury school. Prestfelde is the best prep for an academic senior school like Shrewsbury School or Concord. Shrewsbury High is also good.

If you're worried about girls and bullying, is a single sex school the best idea or would she be happier in mixed? (Not that I really think it makes that much difference TBH).

[sophiebeth]

Thanks again teaandbiscuits. Re The Marches, do you know if they'd push (in a positive way, that is) a very able kid to do their best? DD excellent at Maths and used to teach herself advnaced stuff for fun from books but progress at school has plateaued as she's a bit bored and makes lazy mistakes now.

[secretsciurusvulgaris]

I'm not sure if it's already been suggested but have you considered Lucton at Leominster? I have heard good things about it and they also have quite generous scholarships.

[Gemini69]

so glad you got there OP... and DD was with you

[sophiebeth]

Oh, me too Gemini69! The school did seem very nice. Think I'm gonna go for the state option though...does anyone have a success story for applying for a desired school place at this stage of the year???

[sophiebeth]

secret... Lucton is nearer where we are at the moment than where we're moving too so would be too much of a trek to school

[sophiebeth]

DD is still saying "I'm not moving schools" and "I'm not living with you" but in a less aggressive way and without the throwing things/kicking so that's progress!

[RandomMess]

If you think it's applicable I would mirror back "I hear you, I hear that you're unhappy about the changes, that it's scary and you think you won't like it. I'm finding it both a bit scary but exciting too."

[Gemini69]

don't give up OP ...keep looking forward

[eloisesparkle]

OP
You might want to name change as some of what you have written might be outing.

[sophiebeth]

eloise is there a way I can namechange and the name of the OP and all my previous posts will change? Tried to NC before but then didn't show up as the OP any more

[MsMotherOfDragons]

You could always namechange, start a new thread, signpost us to it, and then ask for this to be deleted?

Glad it's all going so well for you. I think you are right to be pleased with the baby steps that your DD is taking towards being ok with the move.

[sophiebeth]

Yes Dragons think I will do that as realise I've put too much specific info on here. Thanks to you all for being so supportive and for giving very helpful advice ❤

[YesSheCan]

New thread here. Will update re school situation. Feeling exhausted by it all. DD on school trip and DM on hols. My brain has come to standstill. Had to go home from work with severe anxiety and I have so much to sort out.

[YesSheCan]

Durh, here is the link to the new thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3289206-to-change-DDs-school-move-away-to-have-a-life-separate-from-DM?watched=1