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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist that DD age 11 change schools so we can move away?

301 replies

sophiebeth · 13/06/2018 09:36

So I've posted on here about 6 months ago about the very difficult dynamic between me, my mum and DD. We have lived together since DD a baby, she's now 11. Have made attempts to get somewhere separate for us from my mum over the yrs but mum uses emotional blackmail to wear me down until I can't cope with the fear and guilt and agree that we stay living together. She undermines me in front of DD, has totally taken over, I've been to extensive therapy to try to break the enmeshment between my mum and I, so I can give DD a psychologically healthier environment and also be happy myself.
Situation now is I finally got the balls to put house on market, put foot down when mum had hysterics and tried to make me feel like terrible person for wanting to live separately from her. House is SSTC but I am stuck finding somewhere to buy because, due to witnessing my mum (her nan) throw tantrums and get upset about is moving, DD is angry with me and refusing to move to another school. I don't want to stay in same town any more, feel need to be further away from mum who I know will still try to interfere between me and DD. I want to move 50 miles away (Shropshire) whch is also nearer my DP. I've found a house which is near good transport links, only 1hr16min train journey back to see my mum if DD wants to visit for the weekend. Also have an opportunity to get DD into really good school (private) as long as I can get bursary - but DD would have to visit and meet with the head and she absolutely refuses to. State schools in the same area (Oswestry) aren't that great and the decent ones in Shrewsbury have no places for September so little point buying house there. DD is extremely bright and musical but not being stretched at current school and losing interest in things she has talent for. She tells me that if I try to make her move schools and away from our town, she will move in with my mum. I have told her this is not an option for her. She has only been at current school for a year and although I know it would be really hard for her to leave her new friends and adjust to a different place, I'm sure she would settle in and be happy somewhere else. The situation is so stressful that I am starting to get lost in the emotional upset of it and wonder how I will sort it all out.
Sorry for long post but am at my wit's end and really struggling to hold it together. I could settle for a house where we live now and leave DD at current school but this will teach her that throwing tanteums and making threats gets you what you want, and means I won't get us away from my mum's negative influence. Help!

OP posts:
BlueKarou · 21/06/2018 17:37

Just read through this thread, and I think RideOn has hit on a good tactic - can you empower your DD by talking to her about the new house, about how she would like to decorate her new room, maybe this is an ideal time to replace her bedroom furniture, what sort of thing would she like?

It sounds really tough, but you are definitely doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter. I hope the school visit goes well, and your DD sees the potential beyond her temporary anger.

chickenloverwoman · 21/06/2018 17:40

I'm really sorry if this upsets you, and I hope, given your profession, it's something you've already considered but have you thought about contacting CAMHS? I do think your DDs reactions, even allowing for the severe circumstances you and she are living under, sound extreme? And actually, even if it is just as a result of the abuse you are both being subjected to by your mother CAMHS would be an appropriate place to contact to seek help for her. Please take this suggestion in the genuine spirit its meant, from one who wants to help and has been through a lot with DD.

Original poster
sophiebeth · 21/06/2018 17:56

Hi, no upset caused, I already asked GP for a referral to the youth counselling service. Am pretty sure if referred to CAMHS, they would write back and signpost to local youth counselling service anyway having had this response from them professionally in the past. But thanks for suggestion and concern. I keep gently reminding DD that I can arrange for her to talk to someone but lots of resistance so far so think I'll flag up with school counsellor and ask her to softly-softly approach DD

OP posts:
EuripidesCousin · 21/06/2018 18:51

I heartily agree with chickenloverwoman above - this sort of family problem is the bread and butter of a CAMHS Systemic family therapist.

In my view the first task is to de-fuse the situation - maybe have a 'cooling off' period whilst everyone takes stock and allow the possibility of movement away from entrenched positions. You could even suggest a 'truce' and say you don't want to be 'at war' with either you daughter or your mother

A skilled therapist would hope to re-frame some of the anger and oppositional behaviour as based in fear and anxiety by both parties so that it's possible to think rather than emote about what this major change will mean for all of you.

Your daughter may well be worried about abandoning her grandmother who after all has been a significant attachment figure for most/all of her life And maybe worries you will get ill again. Or whether you will cope without grandma who may or not be feeding that with her own concerns about your health

It might be possible to re-frame your move as the next positive step in the process of your recovery and not a 'divorce' or family rupture. And then it will be possible to reassure all parties that relationships will continue albeit in a different form and location

Not all CAMHS have family therapists any longer - and as you already know thresholds for being seen are high and waiting lists long. Our local 'Relate' do some family work and may be able to help. Or depending on where you live/your financial resources you may wish to seek a family therapist thro' the Institute of Family Therapists.

If your daughter and/or mother refuse to attend family sessions you can go on your own - until such time as one or both decide to accompany you.

It's really not a situation for counselling for your daughter in isolation - it's the family dynamics which need to be addressed. And i'd imagine that your mother has chronic/longstanding untreated metal health problems wh a family therapist could address in terms of her seeking help for herself to manage your leaving home a second time round

chickenloverwoman · 21/06/2018 21:33

Unfortunately I know the area we're talking about and there are no family therapists afaik readily available. Relate or SYM in the area do have them more accessible ( but for a fee) . So get a direct referral if you can! circumvent CAMHS as much as you can sorry but CAMHS are not great on this unfortunately. Lack of funds rather than lack of effort, but still.

Original poster
sophiebeth · 22/06/2018 07:27

Family therapy would be great and I've thought about it. But can't afford private and it's not available on NHS around here. Wait for any kind of psychology that isn't adult CBT would be at least a year. But you give some great advice for me to work with, thanks so much. My immediate challenge is getting DD to this school visit today. Atm she thinks just going to nornal school as if I told her beforehand, she'd refuse to go and I wouldn't physically be able to get her out of the house. She won't wash and she smells bad so I'm afraid I've bribed her with having her phone and wifi back a day early just to get her to wash. Not ideal at all but I need to get her to this school visit!

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 22/06/2018 08:34

good luck hope she doesn't throw a hissy when she realises, maybe more bribery and promise her a macdonalds or something afterwards Flowers

SoupDragon · 22/06/2018 09:08

Not ideal at all

Anything that works is fine!

Original poster
sophiebeth · 22/06/2018 09:17

We are en route. DD not impressed but she's coming so phew. Had some refusal to get out of car in a thankfully not busy at all station car park and I had a tiny moment of despair but school visit is now on. And she is clean, bonus.

OP posts:
Original poster
sophiebeth · 22/06/2018 09:17

We are en route. DD not impressed but she's coming so phew. Had some refusal to get out of car in a thankfully not busy at all station car park and I had a tiny moment of despair but school visit is now on. And she is clean, bonus.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 22/06/2018 09:48

Sounds like it could be a good day!

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 22/06/2018 10:10

Well done you amazon queen, you.

I hope it's all going well and you like it & get offered a place + bursary.

Fingers crossed you.

This is one of those moments in your life where bribing your child is 100% justified.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 22/06/2018 10:10

Gah! Strike through failBlush

eloisesparkle · 22/06/2018 10:45

ThanksWishing you all the best OP

Trinity66 · 22/06/2018 10:47

Good luck OP, hope it works out for you

SoupDragon · 22/06/2018 10:47

Fingers crossed it goes well!

SalemBlackCat · 22/06/2018 12:08

Wait a minute....if your mum has already found a place to rent and is moving out, why do you still need to sell? You and your daughter can stay there, since your mum is moving out.

GreenTulips · 22/06/2018 12:31

Because her mum interferes daily and that will continue of op stays local

chickenloverwoman · 22/06/2018 13:53

Good luck!

Original poster
sophiebeth · 22/06/2018 14:03

Aside from situation with DM, I bought house when I wad working fulltime but then got ill and have since worked part time so I can no longer afford to live there anyway and also have debts to pay off from when I was sick and couldn't work

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 22/06/2018 14:14

Goodness everything crossed for you today.

MsMotherOfDragons · 22/06/2018 16:01

I hope today has gone well for you (and DD). It sounds like you handled it really well; well done on getting her there!

Davespecifico · 22/06/2018 16:07

How has the school visit gone?

chickenloverwoman · 22/06/2018 16:41

I agree that bribery is sometime needed!
I am concerned about the lack of washing, refusal to wash and smelling. Sign of depression, or a developmental issue, or pressing your buttons? Or all three? Have you thought of approaching Strong Young Minds for councelling and support?

RandomMess · 22/06/2018 18:32

Hope it's all gone well Flowers