To insist that DD age 11 change schools so we can move away?

[sophiebeth]

So I've posted on here about 6 months ago about the very difficult dynamic between me, my mum and DD. We have lived together since DD a baby, she's now 11. Have made attempts to get somewhere separate for us from my mum over the yrs but mum uses emotional blackmail to wear me down until I can't cope with the fear and guilt and agree that we stay living together. She undermines me in front of DD, has totally taken over, I've been to extensive therapy to try to break the enmeshment between my mum and I, so I can give DD a psychologically healthier environment and also be happy myself.
Situation now is I finally got the balls to put house on market, put foot down when mum had hysterics and tried to make me feel like terrible person for wanting to live separately from her. House is SSTC but I am stuck finding somewhere to buy because, due to witnessing my mum (her nan) throw tantrums and get upset about is moving, DD is angry with me and refusing to move to another school. I don't want to stay in same town any more, feel need to be further away from mum who I know will still try to interfere between me and DD. I want to move 50 miles away (Shropshire) whch is also nearer my DP. I've found a house which is near good transport links, only 1hr16min train journey back to see my mum if DD wants to visit for the weekend. Also have an opportunity to get DD into really good school (private) as long as I can get bursary - but DD would have to visit and meet with the head and she absolutely refuses to. State schools in the same area (Oswestry) aren't that great and the decent ones in Shrewsbury have no places for September so little point buying house there. DD is extremely bright and musical but not being stretched at current school and losing interest in things she has talent for. She tells me that if I try to make her move schools and away from our town, she will move in with my mum. I have told her this is not an option for her. She has only been at current school for a year and although I know it would be really hard for her to leave her new friends and adjust to a different place, I'm sure she would settle in and be happy somewhere else. The situation is so stressful that I am starting to get lost in the emotional upset of it and wonder how I will sort it all out.
Sorry for long post but am at my wit's end and really struggling to hold it together. I could settle for a house where we live now and leave DD at current school but this will teach her that throwing tanteums and making threats gets you what you want, and means I won't get us away from my mum's negative influence. Help!

Cocopuffs I do have compassion for my DM and understand it will be difficult for her. But she is making things worse for herself as well as for DD and me. I've attempted to move me and DD out several times over the years thinking of course DM will understand I need to parent independently of her, and she has acted up so much each time that I've backed down because I was weak and her outbursts scared me into submission. I initially moved in with her when DD was a baby and said it was for 6 months until I got myself sorted then there were hysterics when I talked about moving out into my own place....fastforward 11 years and DM is with us in my place at her insistence, again enabled by me because I was weak and in the FOG trap. I still hope that given time, we can have a healthier mother-daughter relationship. I don't want things to reach the stage where I have to go NC

I honestly think it's time to tell your DM that you are considering getting social services involved and looking at a restraining order as you believe her influence on your DD is now bordering on abusive.

Hmm I think that is drastic and would backfire horribly as DM would say it's me who is being abusive and it's her word against mine. Don't even want to go there, just need to get away asap.

I've backed down because I was weak and her outbursts scared me into submission
I've been in this situation. I look back and hate the person, in the pit of me I hate them. But they aren't my mother.
Do not ignite the fire, play dumb and don't blame any more. Just plod on silently keeping the basic boundaries knowing you are soon going to be free x

Milada sorry you've been in this situation too. I think it's easier to hate someone who isn't your mother. I'm hating my DM's current behaviour right now though. Trying to do what you say, just plod on. Nearly there

Does Adcote not have violin lessons and a football team?

I've just seen your thread on local. Just curious as to why you're having a look at Adcote and not Moreton Hall? Obviously Moreton is a lot closer so just wondering.

I've spoken to MH as well and have meant to get back in touch with them but this week has not been the easiest and have had tons to do. Yes, am considering them as well.

OP we lived with GM growing up and it took hers for DM to move out to our own space.
We didn't realise how awful it was until we moved - so much easier and calmer and fairer!

Head down and keep on keeping on Sophie, you're doing brilliantly

Oh.My.God.
So at present DDs phone and wifi access is confiscated until end of week because she disobeyed and kicked me. I have been calmly consistent about implementing this.
This morning DM insisted on taking DD to school (using excuse that she has arranged to see her friend who lives on the way). I said no, I am taking DD but when DM is standing by front door with coat on a car keys saying come on to DD, it's a difficult situation.
Anyway just before leaving DD asks DM if she can have her phone. DM knows it's confiscated (feigns ignorance over this) and says yes, she can have it in car on way to school. I say, no your phone is confiscated until xxx, you know that because that is what I told you very clearly after you refused to go to bed and kicked me. DD says she won't go to school if she doesn't get her phone. DM screams at me to give DD phone and tells me in front of DD that it's my fault she won't go to school. Stuck to my guns. Said to DD I'll take her, she said no, had to be pragmatic as DM already screaming and I thought, if DD goes with DM now at least she'll get to school on time. In meantime DM started to phone school, inconsistently yelling at me that she is going to tell the school all about me and how awful I'm being to DD and then to DD that she is phoning to cancel her upcoming school trip. DD grudgingly gets in car. They have left. Exhausted and angry. This is my life unless I go into compliant zombie mode which I am ashamed to say I have done far too often and is why we're now in this situation.

Sounds horrific, I would be telling your Mum after her interfering and threats this morning she needs to move out now

You really need to either get out or get her out ASAP! That was abusive.

To be honest SS talking to you and your mother will be able to spot who is the rational calm one. It is a highly abusive situation, she is abusing both you and your DD - and the sooner you are out the better.

Yes, I need to get on with packing this place up asap so that if I need to take us somewhere else to get away from this toxic situation before moving day, I can just do that and everything is ready to go.

Oh OP what a horrible morning you deserve a medal!

Please know that as soon as you are gone all this can and will STOP

Keep reminding yourself of this. Well done for keeping your cool, on day when she is older your DD will see it all clearly and realise you were a good mum.

Ring your DDs school and explain what happened and what life is like at home for DD. I'd also tell them that your DM has no say in cancelling trips and to ignore her if she phones.

In fact go in and have a chat with them. They need a heads up on your DM and how it's affecting your DD.

Don't delay. It's important that you get ahead in this. Best of luck

Sophie, you know I’ve been staunchly on your side on this thread but...

You can’t go “into zombie mode”.

The priority here was sticking to your guns, not getting dd to school on time. You gave up for an easy life, reinforcing the idea that your dm is in charge.

Moving isn’t going to solve anything. I do hope you know that.

I have to ask; when you say you were sick, was it addiction?

I had a chat with the head the other day. They were very understanding and have reassured nothing will be discussed with DM.

I disagree. Moving will help OP enormously with her boundaries and giving her the space to think. It will also drastically reduce the drama, like this morning, that didn't need to happen.

I do agree that the DM will continually to undermine and create drama whenever she can but moving is the first step in extracting themselves from the situation.

OP you're doing well. Speaking as someone with a narcissistic DM I know how hard it is and I can also say the day I drove away from DMs house, having gone no contact, the relief was immense. I know you haven't mentioned no contact but on your moving day you'll definitely feel that relief too.

Keep posting, keep asking advice. I had a forum to support me through me toughest times too and it kept me grounded.

No, I know I can't go into zombie mode. Therapy has helped me with that. I stuck to my guns in that DD did not get her phone despite DM screaming at me to give it to her.
No, I am not an addict. I have generalised anxiety disorder, I had an episode of depression in 2009 and from the age of 17 I have had recurrent bouts of physical ill health which has been diagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome although over the last few years I have found out I have postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome meaning pulse can go up to 140bpm when I stand then I get breathless, faint, have trouble concentrating and get upper body pain and weakness. I have taken measures to manage my health the best I can while also trying to deal with this other stuff. Yes, I let my mum take over. She was helping me run my home and care for DD when I was too unwell to do it bt myself. Since my health improved she won't take a step back and wants to stay in the dominant role. Every little thing I do now she's behind me saying, 'why are you suddenly doing xyz? I usually do that. Funny how you should bother now' in a snide sarcastic way as though I just couldn't be arsed to do it before and I'm now being ridiculous to even think I can manage it now (and I can, I've learned to live with my conditions)

Thank you. The advice on here really has helped me so much and just knowing there are people who have my back and give me encouragement means a lot

I only asked because I was wondering was she going to use it as a stick to beat you with.

You have done phenomenonly well to manage your health!

I didn’t mean that moving away from your mother wouldn’t be the best thing, by the way. I was just saying that dd’s behaviour won’t suddenly improve! If anything, it’ll likely get worse for a while!

Any one of millions of people in your situation would have been able to turn to their mother for help, have her look after dd, then be happy to move on when they’d recovered.

Unfortunately you have an abusvie narc for a mother! That’s not your fault.

You did well to stick to your guns. Your dd needs to see that you won’t back down.

When she comes home, tell her calmly that if she ever physically hurts you again, the consequences will be worse than taking her phone.

Personally, I’d take it and smash it! No fucking way would an 11 year old put her hands on me and get away with it!

You’re doing GREAT! Keep going.

Ah, thank you. Gosh, I know DDs behaviour will get worse before it gets better. I'm prepared for her to hate me and act out after the move but I know I'll do a better job of dealing with that than if DM was around. No, DM uses my history of depression and chronic fatigue as a stick to beat me with even though she has a history of anxiety (before me and younger DB born) and chronic fatigue (when I was growing up) and you'd think would know better than to use it against me.

You are doing really well. It is so hard to break away from entrenched behaviours. New possibilities, even if they are better ones, are still frightening.

Yes, definitely pack up stuff so you can move out quickly if you need to. Have you looked at AIR BnB? Some friends rented a little flat for 3 weeks straight when their house was being repaired. The owner normally did just weekends/odd days, but was very happy to move in with a mate and take the £££. It saved my friends having to commit to a formal rental & 6 months lease etc.

and you'd think would know better than to use it against me.

Oh, she knows exactly what she’s doing it I have no doubt. Just keep focused on how close you are to freedom from her.

Actually, after this morning's performance, I thought about airbnb, only prob might be taking our pets!