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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist that DD age 11 change schools so we can move away?

301 replies

sophiebeth · 13/06/2018 09:36

So I've posted on here about 6 months ago about the very difficult dynamic between me, my mum and DD. We have lived together since DD a baby, she's now 11. Have made attempts to get somewhere separate for us from my mum over the yrs but mum uses emotional blackmail to wear me down until I can't cope with the fear and guilt and agree that we stay living together. She undermines me in front of DD, has totally taken over, I've been to extensive therapy to try to break the enmeshment between my mum and I, so I can give DD a psychologically healthier environment and also be happy myself.
Situation now is I finally got the balls to put house on market, put foot down when mum had hysterics and tried to make me feel like terrible person for wanting to live separately from her. House is SSTC but I am stuck finding somewhere to buy because, due to witnessing my mum (her nan) throw tantrums and get upset about is moving, DD is angry with me and refusing to move to another school. I don't want to stay in same town any more, feel need to be further away from mum who I know will still try to interfere between me and DD. I want to move 50 miles away (Shropshire) whch is also nearer my DP. I've found a house which is near good transport links, only 1hr16min train journey back to see my mum if DD wants to visit for the weekend. Also have an opportunity to get DD into really good school (private) as long as I can get bursary - but DD would have to visit and meet with the head and she absolutely refuses to. State schools in the same area (Oswestry) aren't that great and the decent ones in Shrewsbury have no places for September so little point buying house there. DD is extremely bright and musical but not being stretched at current school and losing interest in things she has talent for. She tells me that if I try to make her move schools and away from our town, she will move in with my mum. I have told her this is not an option for her. She has only been at current school for a year and although I know it would be really hard for her to leave her new friends and adjust to a different place, I'm sure she would settle in and be happy somewhere else. The situation is so stressful that I am starting to get lost in the emotional upset of it and wonder how I will sort it all out.
Sorry for long post but am at my wit's end and really struggling to hold it together. I could settle for a house where we live now and leave DD at current school but this will teach her that throwing tanteums and making threats gets you what you want, and means I won't get us away from my mum's negative influence. Help!

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 20/06/2018 11:05

She's just not used to the (much needed) change in family dynamics you're making. But she needs those strong boundaries with her parent, so she knows she can rely on you to be her rock - and you will be Flowers

Original poster
sophiebeth · 20/06/2018 11:06

Oh I do wish she would agree to see school pastoral care counsellor. And I have talked with her about it. I've said DD can talk to me any time but I appreciate she doesn't want to becaise it's me she's angry with. She absolutely refuses and I don't know how you force anyone to go to counselling...ime it only works if a person engages and is willing to go. But I think I will ask pastoral care lady at DDs school to approach her and take it from there, as if I try to take her and insist on it, she'll just dig heels in.

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 20/06/2018 11:10

Wouldn't hurt to try.

In a way there's a positive in this already. She is taking out her anger on you, no holds barred. That in itself takes some trust to know you're safe to do that. She doesn't take it out on her grandmother, does she? And maybe that's because she knows deep down that she can't truly express herself around her but just has to play her 'role'.

Original poster
sophiebeth · 20/06/2018 12:49

Flump so sorry you had to go NC because of your DMs behaviour. Your poor DSis too.

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 20/06/2018 13:01

Thank you. I did try baby steps with her for a long time but in the end she gave me no choice because the more I tried to change things, the more she ramped up her awful behaviour.

I do feel sorry for my sister but more sorry for her DC to be honest Sad. But as I'm sure you understand, you can't save other people - it's hard enough keeping on top of saving yourself.

Original poster
sophiebeth · 20/06/2018 13:24

True, your sister has the choice, her DC do not. Yes, it definitely is hard enough looking after yourself! Sounds like you made the right choice

OP posts:
Original poster
sophiebeth · 20/06/2018 13:38

Does anyone think it is worth me giving the school we're visiting on Friday the heads up re this situation (obvs not going into detail). Current school are getting end of year reports ready for me to take which will be v positive re DD.

OP posts:
Miladamermalada · 20/06/2018 13:41

No OP. I think it would disadvantage you in all honesty (but you could never prove it). Any inkling of home problems or behaviour issues will go down like a lead balloon. x

Original poster
sophiebeth · 20/06/2018 13:51

Fair enough, yes, I will just see how it goes. Worst case is DD acts up on Friday but then I will never have to see the people at the school again! Although bit concerned that if the admin staff from different schools know each other and chat then other schools in the area might get wind...

OP posts:
Miladamermalada · 20/06/2018 13:54

And if they did the admin from the old school would be sacked and you'd have a case for lack of confidentiality and prejudice. So don't worry about that x

Original poster
sophiebeth · 20/06/2018 13:56

Ah, good! Anyway it might go really well...one can only hope

OP posts:
Miladamermalada · 20/06/2018 13:57

What is meant to be won't pass you by. I strongly believe that x

Myheartbelongsto · 20/06/2018 13:57

I hate when adults don't consider the impact of moving on their children.

Original poster
sophiebeth · 20/06/2018 14:01

I have considered the impact very carefully and weighed it up against the impact if staying with DMs negative influence nearby and, difficult though this change will be in the short term for DD, I have to get me and more importantly her out of this toxic atmosphere

OP posts:
Mrschainsawuk · 20/06/2018 14:05

You move to where you want to dd will have to suck it up you are the adult if she runs you call the police they will bring her back. it's your life and you can also get her involved in picking a house design her bedroom ect let her look at the schools online and pick she might just need to be more involved and let her know you will be moving no matter what.

Colbu24 · 20/06/2018 14:08

We have a 12 year old and I understand how they feel about their house and friends.
I fully understand your desire to move away but you are asking an awful lot of your dd. All she knows it's grandma's house and the local area.
There is 0 motivation for her to move she is happy.
I'll say to you get out of your mother's house but live locally.
It doesn't mean you can't put boundaries about access to you and your dd.
You are ready for a change but your dd isn't. All she will think is that you are taking her away to be with your DP. I know that's not true but for her it is. I'm not that long she'll be going to Uni and then I'll move.
Try to see it from her point of you. It's too much.

BadTasteFlump · 20/06/2018 14:22

Myheartbelongsto

Have you actually read the thread?

I think until you have been part of a toxic family you can't imagine how damaging it can be, particularly to the children involved.

Don't doubt yourself OP Flowers

Original poster
sophiebeth · 20/06/2018 14:30

I do understand what you're saying about her attachment to her home and familiar people. But she is not happy and that is due to the toxic environment in our home from which I am finally manage to extricate us. It is my house, not my mum's, DM insisted on moving in with us. I did consider living locally but I cannot trust DM not to continue interfering and running me down to DD. I can take it if she runs me down but I won't have DD being messed up by that behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
sophiebeth · 20/06/2018 16:48

Also DP won't be selling his house for another few years, I don't know what the longterm prospects for us are, after I move we'll still live over an hour away from each other, he'll have to come to me if he wants. Yes, he did say he'd like to move to Shropshire in a few years...but if I was living happily where I am at the moment with DD and everything was fine then I wouldn't uproot her to move to Shropshire just for him, I'd stay put. We have to move because of the situation with my DM

OP posts:
llangennith · 20/06/2018 16:50

OP you are doing the right thing long-term for you and especially for your relationship with your DD.* Don’t doubt yourself.*

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 20/06/2018 17:34

OP,

A pp said 'treat her like a tantrum if toddler'. This made me think of a few ways I talk to my DC (6yo & under2)

I say things like

  • I know it's hard but please trust me to do the right thing for you
  • I need to say no for grown up reasons
  • there are grown up reasons that you're not old enough for me to explain
  • I love you and I've made this decision because I believe it is best for you
-I appreciate you are frustrated and angry with me, that's okay though because I still love you and always will no matter what

It means you are saying:
I'm in charge
I love you
I'm protecting you from adult pressures that you are not ready for

It doesn't give any room for argument and it's not opening a debate.

Just thought some phrases might help.

You're a bloody AMAZON QUEEN for the strength you are showing right now - we'll done!

Miladamermalada · 20/06/2018 20:14

I hate when adults don't consider the impact of moving on their children.
Me too. Fortunately, OP has realised that her mother's weirdness and issues are totally fucking up her daughter and that moving is the only option to stop her DD developing major mental health problems. Not only that, but by doing so her DD is likely to get into an outstanding school which will change her future in terms of the opportunities she will get and the life she will live.
So no need to worry @myheartbelongsto Smile

Original poster
sophiebeth · 20/06/2018 22:13

Thanks, these are good phrases. I've tried similar ones but need to deliver more confidently and not enter into discussions when DD argues back. Not sure about amazon queen...if I hadnt been weak in the first place we might not be in this mess...but you're very kind!

OP posts:
ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 20/06/2018 23:21

@sophiebeth please don't "should" on yourself.

You ARE a strong woman who has the needs of her daughter front of mind. You are making changes to your lives and suffering horrendous abuse from someone who hasn't given you a good example of motherhood.

I know it's hard but please try to focus on the positives: you're out of the fog, you have a plan, your daughter has a happy life ahead of her.

You've got this.

RideOn · 21/06/2018 11:34

Just a thought also is that the way you are agonizing about decision to move. She can think about a new bedroom and new school, but not the decision!

In a way, the more you make that decision yours, then she doesn't feel like she has sway over the decision and she can just get on with the child's part in this.

Maybe another chat when she is calm/ out for a walk/ in a car by yourselves. You have made the decision for you and DD. This is happening and is an exciting new start for the 2 of you. Nana was a big part of our lives but we will manage just fine. You are now past the deciding stage and onto the plans stage. Talking about how she can stay in touch with friends. Talking about winding things down, like when she might be stopping music lessons and whether you will write the music teacher a card to thank them. How the new teacher might compare etc.

I think things will be better than you imagine, because your 'D'M is so forceful I think your DD has been looking to her in a leadership way. In your own home, you will be the parent and she will then look to you.

Really is best to go now. In the teenage years I think children start to see themselves more in relation to their peers. Getting some time settled into a new life before that I think is crucial.

I haven't experienced something like this but the undermining about the phone and going to school really is horrible behaviour by your 'D'M and I hope each time (as much as possible) you try to channel it into "no regrets for this decision" and "my DD won't have to listen to mixed messages soon" instead of the hurt it would be possible to feel.