Can you request “no toys” for birthday parties

[Absofrigginlootly]

Just musing really with a friend about whether it’s bad form to state “no toys as presents” on a child’s party invite.....?

For context: we both try to practice toy minimalism. Both for child development reasons (research shows how less toys = more attention and creativity) and for the environmental impact of mass produced plastic toys.

If an invite said something like “presents are not expected but if you want to gift something please can we kindly request no toys. Suggestions if they may be helpful: art supplies, plant seeds, sticker books, picture/reading books”

Would you think that was unreasonable? Rude?

I’m on the fence and can’t decide

I had some pretty strange looks recently when I said I try not to buy plastic toys. DD has a good selection of books, soft toys, interactive wooden toys etc. I try to limit the amount of plastic toys she has.

Some friends of ours just had a christening and said presents weren't necessary, but if we wanted to get something, they'd like us to bring books. Can't remember the wording, but it came across as really lovely because we felt we were getting involved in a "theme" and loved comparing books and remembering them from our childhood.

Maybe instead of saying what not to do, make a suggestion of one kind of thing you'd like?

Oh man, I wish I was raised by toy minimalists!!!

...said noone ever.

I’m with you OP.

I’m sick of plastic shit and then he general attitude that “you will like what you’re given” because it’s a gift. I tend to ask parents about gift “ideas” or preference. Not because I can’t be bothered to think of a gift but because I’d hate to get something that the child or parent doesn’t like.

And kids only like plastic toys because often they are not given an alternative.
I’m as guilty as most parents - but I’ve put a stop to plastic toy buying.

I had this discussion with my husband. Your kid is going to turn around in 15 years time and say this “you KNEW. Why didn’t you do something? Thanks for the pictures of whales Mum. Thanks for the videos of dolphins Dad. Hey Nana, why do my kids have some strange illness from (plastic contaminated) water?
Why is the food so expensive - when it’s grown on garbage contaminated land?”

No plastic is a REASONABLE request

Apart from me

Like I said up thread my DM could NOT stop buying stuff (still can’t!) which used to make me feel sort of suffocated because she always attached such huge significance to everything and would try to make me feel very guilty if I wanted to get rid of anything.

Contrary to what many people on this thread seem to have assumed I’m absolutely not controlling my DD and her choices. She has many toys/books/clothes etc she has chosen herself which would not have been my choice at all because she is her own person and not an extension of myself.

Having 'issues' because your mum bought you too may toys... Really? You sound a bit self indulgent and over privileged. I feel sorry for your mum.

But it's all cyclical anyway. You'll do this toy minimalism nonsense and then your daughter will shower her kids with 'stuff' because she didn't have lots of toys when she was a child.

ou'll do this toy minimalism nonsense and then your daughter will shower her kids with 'stuff' because she didn't have lots of toys when she was a child.

I imagine the mass consumerism will sort itself out before our children are old enough to breed. Possibly just down to food shortages and the destroyed planet.

You'll do this toy minimalism nonsense and then your daughter will shower her kids with 'stuff' because she didn't have lots of toys when she was a child

Why though? God knows we don't do 'toy minimalism' but I get why someone would try it.

Why do we have to 'shower kids' with more and more stuff? It's a recent thing. Previous generations weren't all 'showered with toys.' Why is that suddenly the gold standard of good parenting?

Why won't the OP succeed in raising DC who carry on her values?

Like I say, we're as guilty as the next 'showering with toys' parents at the moment, but it doesn't mean that I sneer at someone trying to do it a different way.

Easiest way is to not have a whole class party. A small number of actual friends then it will be a normal amount of gifts. I have seen the pile of 30+ gifts after a whole class party and it makes me feel sick. DD is only 3 but we won’t (and don’t) participate in that level of mass pointless consumerism.
We also keep you numbers not overwhelming but she has heaps of stuff to play with. Some of it is plastic but it’s decent (a till for example and is getting hours and hours of play)

Wow Fresh that is...... horrible.

I’ve had a bit of a day today and feeling tired and hormonal and almost burst into tears when I read that. Maybe that was what you wanted? I don’t know, I don’t understand the mentality of people who say vicious things online to a perfect stranger. I don’t carry that much hate around in my heart.

I’m not going to list all the ways that my DM emotionally abused me as a child, or the many years of mental illness I suffered with as a result because you would probably rip that to shreds for your own amusement too.

I hope you enjoy your evening feeling thoroughly pleased with yourself

The clunky wording about precisely the kind of gift you find acceptable would really irritate me.

I raised my kids on a Narrowboat so space was a premium always. We’d say no gifts then ask people to bring an old toy or book to add to the toy/book swap pile. Then everyone came away with something ‘new’.

I would think you were using your child’s birthday as an opportunity to virtue signal.

No adult wants loads of plastic toys. But children do. And it’s your child’s birthday.

Most people prioritise their child’s happiness on their birthday above their own personal preferences.

So I would also think you were selfish.

I think suggesting to other parents what they should buy for your DC (whatever the reason) does come across as rude; but if you feel they already get plenty of toys from family then just say 'no toys please' :)

I agree with some of what you said, I think nearly all kids today have way too many toys (mine included!) and it can devalue the toys and make them less special and less likely that they get full value out of them.

I like my kids to have a good selection, but I encourage them to sort and donate toys they no longer play with, I also sell/recycle old play equiment, puzzles, dress-up as they grow out of it. I will get family to chip in for one big thing such as a bike rather than a bunch of little toys they don't really need.

But some of my DCs favourite toys are plastic; Lego (and Duplo when they were younger), Magnatiles (amazing things), Schleich fairies and dinosaurs, Playmobil, WOW Toys etc - all mass produced plastic but still good quality, educational and long lasting.

Most sensible parents ask for suggestions of what your child is "into" before buying something, just put NO PRESENTS PLEASE on the invite, mind you, the child might not be happy!

abbsofrigginlootley-op. do parties help with development?

We put no gifts on my 5yo's invites recently and said if people wanted to give something we were collecting £ for the SCBU he was in at birth so they could give to that.

Everyone loved that idea (he still got a few presents) and he got to return to SCBU to look round and give them a cheque with the £ raised.

Snotgoblin your way is brilliant. I'm nicking that.

OP I think people reacted to your suggestion that fewer toys = 'better' development. I think I know what you meant but it does make people bristle when they feel they're being criticised.

I think it's an all or nothing situation really. Suggestions are tantamount to a gift list - and a gift list I would consider very rude for a kid's party. Also I hate the word 'gist' used as a verb but I accept that's my own ishoo.

As i said above, I think snotgoblin's way is the best. Maybe you could just make it books.

All the references to "plastic tat", "landfill" etc are rude and a bit OTT in terms of the environment too. In front of me there are plastic toys that have been passed down through several children and played with my endless more visitors. In the meantime my bin is full of packaging for food and shampoo, etc. My dd had her third birthday party this weekend and got lovely gifts - jigsaws, playdoh, clothes, a megasketcher thingy, some little figures of her favourite character that she squealed in delight over. None of it was "tat that they'll never look at" any more than a gift you choose would be- parents of kids your kid's age tend to have an idea of the kind of thing they'll like and if they get it wrong you can always regift or donate it.

God, I hope it's bloody okay, because that's what I'm going to do. I can't bloody stand being swamped under shed loads of plastic tat. And I hate the consumerism inherent in the whole ritual - "Look, So-and-So, you've got another bit of plastic tat, aren't you delighted?" Bleargh.
As for kids going to other kids' houses and coveting their plastic tat, well, that's all part of learning that other families do things differently, isn't it? Like saying "So-and-So might take you to Maccy D's and buy you some grease in a carton, but I'm not going to."

it's cool. I'd be really happy an understanding. this is not like a wedding list... at all. this is socially fine :)

Also, who are these people who really, really want to buy plastic tat even if they're told not to? If I was taking a kid to a party (clean hair - tick; reasonable clothes - tick; been to the toilet - tick) then I'd be glad to have something taken off the stuff to do list.

I had to Google "play silks" because such things weren't actively marketed for £15 - £50 when my DD was little. Unbelievable. I can guarantee that it's one small step from a play silk in the toddler years to a full blown Disney Princess dressing up obsession in infant school.

It's acceptable to say "No gifts" but please don't specify what you are willing to accept and be prepared to receive even more items from Poundland as people take pity on your DD for having nothing to unwrap.

I’m really torn by this. I love a wedding gift list and generally prefer getting gifts I know will be used. But, it seems a bit joyless for a small child’s party. From your list I’d probably get art supplies.