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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you request “no toys” for birthday parties

249 replies

Absofrigginlootly · 12/06/2018 18:31

Just musing really with a friend about whether it’s bad form to state “no toys as presents” on a child’s party invite.....?

For context: we both try to practice toy minimalism. Both for child development reasons (research shows how less toys = more attention and creativity) and for the environmental impact of mass produced plastic toys.

If an invite said something like “presents are not expected but if you want to gift something please can we kindly request no toys. Suggestions if they may be helpful: art supplies, plant seeds, sticker books, picture/reading books”

Would you think that was unreasonable? Rude?

I’m on the fence and can’t decide Smile

OP posts:
Whitney168 · 13/06/2018 19:33

OP, as you're talking about an autumn birthday, why don't you be the one to send a note out to all the class at the start of the class year suggesting party presents (if people wish to, obviously) be a single £1 coin in the card. I bet most of the parents would be relieved, and the kids would love spending their bounty on one or two decent toys.

Roseandharry · 13/06/2018 19:36

OP - what made you post this? Were you expecting a barrage of support and pats on the back ??? Clearly the majority of posts disagree with what you wanted to write on the invite (incidentally including me), however it seems that’s not what you wanted to hear

Slipp3rs · 13/06/2018 19:36

I don’t think you can really put this on an invite but it did make the think that surely this is the same as a wedding invitation saying -

  • we don’t want gifts but if you would like to give us something we would like money
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 13/06/2018 19:39

I guess because it’s not just once a year is it? It’s birthdays, Easter, Xmas, every time relatives visit, days out with grandparents, trips into town.... it can feel like your constantly fighting an ongoing deluge of “stuff”..... this was just a post about one conversation I had with a friend that’s all
No. A birthday is the ONE day a year it's all about that child.

Perfectly1mperfect · 13/06/2018 19:42

It's not rude to request no toys but I think a lot of people would be a bit like 🙄 as it's not 'the norm'.

I think as your child gets older it will be a case of getting the right balance of caring for the environment, not spoiling her but also making sure she fits in if she wants the same as her friends. She may be happy planting seeds etc now but I think as most kids get older they want the latest plastic toys that their friends have.

Original poster
Absofrigginlootly · 13/06/2018 19:49

You know, when I joined MN about 4 years ago it was a funny and supportive place. It was actually a life line to me when Dd was born as I really struggled it was such a traumatic time and I don’t have supportive family.

But it seems now that asking a simple question is met with needless unkind personal comments. I find it quite ironic that several of those posters who have commented that present suggestions are beyond rude etc have then followed it up with insults and personal comments (maybe they think that the anonymity of a username permits them free rein to be as rude/unkind as they please?

Thank you to all the posters who have given helpful and constructive feedback. I think I’ll take another 6-12 month break from MN again now Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Absofrigginlootly · 13/06/2018 19:50

OP - what made you post this? Were you expecting a barrage of support and pats on the back ???

Absolutely not! Just thought it might generate an interesting discussion because my friend and I couldn’t decide how it would go down (badly it seems)

OP posts:
Notso · 13/06/2018 20:01

I've been on Mumsnet for well over 10 years and it's not changed massively just got much bigger. AIBU has never been the best topic for support and threads on no-toys at parties are all pretty similar.

I understand the less is more thing with toys, I completely understand the need to reduce stuff. I'm just not sure a kids party is best place to start unless you agree it with the whole year.

babybrain86 · 13/06/2018 20:30

I would be made up to see that on an invite personally. I like to find out what the child is into as it's really just a waste of my money & time buying a present that they are either not interested in or a duplicate of something they already have

Bear2014 · 13/06/2018 20:40

YABU - state no gifts, or leave it.

If it makes you feel any better, DD was 4 this year and she received as party gifts umpteen colouring books, felt tips, craft sets, picture books, a dressing up set and a money box. I think the only 'toy' was a play doh set.

ZenNudist · 13/06/2018 20:51

I think your wording is fine. I prefer it to 'no gifts' as i think that means 'just cash'!

That said id be concerned that id waste a couple of quid on seeds, everyone else woukd do the same and birthday child wont care. Plus your wording runs the risk of you being overwhelmed with the things youve specified. Like 5 colouring sets 5 books 5 packs of seeds, seriously whats the point?!

kennycat · 13/06/2018 21:08

I wouldn't mind receiving this type of invitiation at all. I think actually I'd really like to be told what the child would like rather than me spend ages worrying about getting something unwanted or surplus to requirements.

My daughter has been to a party where instead of presents we all gave a donation to a food bank. The birthday girl was utterly unbothered about not receiving 30 crap presents and we were all pleased we were doing something worthwhile.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 13/06/2018 21:16

As a person who swings into Smyth’s on the way to a party I’d be annoyed Blush

I don’t think it’s the worst idea in the world but I think a blanket ‘no gifts necessary’ would be better.

Sowhatifisaycunt · 13/06/2018 22:12

Haven’t rtft but just to add my story.

My DD once received a party invite with a ‘no presents expected but if you must...’ flowed by a link to an amazon gift list. Parents don’t like plastic toys so only books and naive toys were listed.

Sowhatifisaycunt · 13/06/2018 22:15

*followed

Meant to add, I though it was odd. I did stick to their list bit other parents didn’t and their child was given plastic toys as presents.

Sanctimonious parenting.

Sowhatifisaycunt · 13/06/2018 22:16

*naice

LapsedHumanist · 14/06/2018 00:07

Only time I’ve seen this work is when someone asks for a favourite book to be shared.

UrgentScurryfunge · 14/06/2018 00:37

I'd love for gift culture to change and become more sustainable.

We're drowning in toys. Two DCs, same sex, close in age. They're still playing with things that were bought 5+ years ago such as the train track and duplo. There's very little I can shift that they've grown out of. I want them to have the joy of parties, but without the burden of stuff that clogs the house up. One birthday is just before Christmas and it feels like drowning in plastic before we even get to Christmas.

Between the two children, they must have had nearly 45 party presents in the last 12 months. That's aside from what we buy and gifts from a large family.

If they open up the presents in excitement, the bits get jumbled and it's a write off for giving away. It seems so churlish to immediately give away or save something for re-gifting, and it turns present buying into a farce.

We're lucky enough to have a playroom. I really don't know how people with smaller homes manage to deal with the sheer volume of toys. That's aside from the environment issues of resource usage and disposal.

All I really want is for them to celebrate with friends.

Kokeshi123 · 14/06/2018 04:37

I think this is fine and we also say "no gifts please."

It's partly a space/culture issue. We live in a modest sized urban flat and I don't want to spend my time and energy dealing with clutter.

PlanetPiffle · 14/06/2018 06:01

OP - sorry you have been offended by some posters. You did post on AIBU so it was to be expected but of course you will still be offended - words hurt and people do forget that when they are firing off replies from behind a screen.

I’m torn, I would think your invitation was hugely wanky BUT I completely agree with you! Better than the invitation would be what other people have suggested, BE that parent who when your dd starts school, sends home the letter (in the first few days) saying to all parents, let’s just tape a £2 coin into a card for parties and let the child pick one big toy after their party. THAT will make a big change. Say 15 parties per year, 30 kids per party - that’s 450 plastic toys per year that haven’t been given. If you really want to make an impact on the environment, do that. As a parent I would have been soooo pleased if someone else did (mine are teens now so we are passed that stage) - it would have saved a lot of time, money, effort and BONUS, the planet!

Go for it OP! You can really make a change here.

breadwidow · 14/06/2018 06:03

An interesting thread to read while suffering insomnia . . .

Anyway, OP, I fully support where you are coming from & I'd love it if parties were no gift/coin in card (would save me a bloody fortune for starters) but the wording you have suggested that doesn't work. As other posters have said, it comes across as a bit smug. If I got your invite I would be annoyed & thing you were a 'smug twat' despite agreeing with you! I actually think you can advise parents on gifts but you need to change the wording to winding them up. I'd suggest emphasising the storage element - something like this:
"[INSERT DDs NAME] really doesn't need any more toys at the moment and we don't have much space to store them. Therefore you really don't need to get her a present, but if you really want to we'd appreciate gifts that can be 'used up' like a sticker book or seeds (she loves gardening!). Thanks so much, [INSERT YOUR NAME].

In terms of the thread OP I think it became a bit meaner when it appeared that you weren't taking the initial advice on board. I disagree with the posters who say kids need toys & your kid will need therapy, but I think these were reactions to you coming across as rather resistant to advice on your proposed invite gift 'nudge'

amyboo · 14/06/2018 07:39

My DS got a party invitation last year saying that the child didn't want presents, but instead wanted donations to pay for a girl to get medical treatment in the US. Now, quite aside from the fact that I don't believe in contributing to causes I don't know about (there was no information in the invitation about this particular cause, it just said they'd have a donation box at the party), I don't like reducing a gift to it's monetary value - some people can't afford to spend/give much - and I don't believe for a second that a 4 year old girl would choose NOT to get presents on her birthday. My DS also didn't understand how he could go the party if he didn't take a present. So, we gave a small present - a card game that my son liked.

To be honest, I thought that the parents were being a bit ridiculous.

ladydanger · 14/06/2018 09:52

I don't understand the people who think this is rude (must be a British thing?) - I would be completely fine with that and if anything guidance for what the child actually wants / needs is appreciated! I am also all for toy / plastic / consumerism minimalisation.

Roseandharry · 14/06/2018 10:03

If you really care so much for the plastic just say no gifts and forgo any at all. Requesting specifics is rude in my opinion.

pbjs · 14/06/2018 10:14

I would feel sorry for your child and buy them a toy!!

Hmm You'd feel bad for a child for not having piles of plastic tat then because you feel bad for the child give them something that would then be taken away and given to charity or regifted as suggested repeatedly on thread?

That's not feeling bad for the child it's being an ass and trying to get one over on the parent.

Op You really can't ask for presents. It's so rude, it's not a wedding. Just say "no gifts" or even "no gifts thank you but Jamey would love a hand drawn picture" and if someone insists , then say a book would be nice. I've done the same. Some people will give cards or money anyway though