Can you request “no toys” for birthday parties

[Absofrigginlootly]

Just musing really with a friend about whether it’s bad form to state “no toys as presents” on a child’s party invite.....?

For context: we both try to practice toy minimalism. Both for child development reasons (research shows how less toys = more attention and creativity) and for the environmental impact of mass produced plastic toys.

If an invite said something like “presents are not expected but if you want to gift something please can we kindly request no toys. Suggestions if they may be helpful: art supplies, plant seeds, sticker books, picture/reading books”

Would you think that was unreasonable? Rude?

I’m on the fence and can’t decide

Sticker books are not recyclable and so are not environmentally friendly

Honestly it’s a kids birthday, trying to word an invite in such a way that a parent donates to a charity or buy seeds ...I would think pretentious with nothing better to do than complicate things for others. can you just see what you get. Most people give cash, you can buy your kid nothing else all year, use it an an excuse to donate some of their old toys to charity.

I like your reasoning

You completely missed my point OP, which was that you don't decide what is a 'good' toy for a child - they do this themselves. And flashing-light-button-pushing plastic stuff can do this just as well as anything else.

I agree with the OP actually and wish I had the balls to do you minimalism but I don’t think my DS would like it! I wish he didn’t love plastic shite so much but he does...
OP I would just let this one go, see what you get, if your child doesnt play with them or like them you can always donate to charity or wait till Christmas and send to the appeals for less fortunately families?
You sound like a great mum though, I much prefer reading, planting seeds and imagination play with him rather than mindlessly pressing buttons on annoying noisy toys

I'm always surprised aboutvthe number of people who state "gifts are necessary". they are, if you teach your children they are. if you don't, mountains of gifts are not necessary. we've done "no gifts please" now for the second year on birthday parties (and one gift per family unit for christmas and birthday, so 5 gifts per child). It has made a huge change, happier playing, less drama (plastic crap just breaks).
we are lucky, most school birthdays are "no gifts please", as nobody needs heaps of plastic crap or duplicate gifts

This is AIBU, after all.

Code for: expect sarcastic, pointlessly unkind and overly personal comments and for your whole life and value system to be torn to shit for having the audacity to post an innocent question 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh I’d find it a bit rude; when you’re in the full swing at that age of 30 odd parties a year (60 or more when you’ve got siblings close in age!) then you’re regifting or buying presents in bulk in advance. Well I used to anyway.

But this is what I’m talking about... imagine if every one of those parties people just gifted £1 in a birthday card, or bought seeds or second hand books, think of the waste reduction!

I follow your line OP....but mine are older now. When they were younger, I made an exception for their birthdays. It's hard for you because it's other people influencing your child but you must allow it.

It's far healthier. Don't dictate to others. Mine still prefer art stuff etc but when they had those birthdays full of plastic dolls and crap, they did enjoy it.

mancmummy thank you for your very kind comments. It’s nice to read after being told I’m a weird/odd killjoy whose DC are going to need therapy

I coulden't, as part of the fun was, dc opening the presents, they really looked forward to that, and take that away, would be mean. Birthdays are only once a year, its for them, nobody else. Some of the presents that my dc received at parties, they still have years later.

I can see where you are coming from in that I also wouldn’t like to receive a lot of presents that might not get played with - but honestly why don’t you do what people suggested and take them to a children’s home or hospital? Buy DC the seeds etc yourself.

Also, and I really don’t mean this unkindly because it’s making me laugh and it’s more tongue in cheek but this whole thread and a lot of your comments are very “quinoa and manchego.” And I said that as someone who enjoys both but understands why they are a meme 😂😂😂

Tbh I'd be really relieved I hate not knowing what to buy and I avoid plastic tat (we have lots of that from various parties of dd1s and dd2 really doesn't bother with it) so I end up giving money or wooden toys which don't always go down well . I do really like Angie169s wording though.

I don't think you should specify what you will accept. "No gifts please" is fine, and around here "no gifts please, but if you wish to give something then a donation to the food bank would be a lovely idea" is increasingly common. I ask my DC if they want to do that, and they want presents still.

Easier now we have small parties, but at the whole class stage we quietly put a lot of the excess presents aside. If they weren't asked for within a few months we either regifted or took them down to the women's refuge for children's xmas presents.

I'd be really relieved I hate not knowing what to buy and I avoid plastic tat

Exactly. I have one nine month old, so I’m just at the start of this stuff. I’d love to give affordable presents that will be enjoyed/useful, or to contribute to a larger present that the birthday child wants. I’m already a bit sick at the amount of waste my child generates.

To OP, I don't see anything wrong saying no to presents that won't be used and your child wouldn't enjoy. And don't see why anyone should be offended by being given a suggestion of, let's face it, really affordable presents your child will actually appreciate.

If people in general are ok with wedding registries I don't see why they wouldn't be ok with a nicely worded suggestion, special the type you had thought off. Most would probably like to know their gift is appreciated and enjoyed, rather than ending burried and forgotten in a mountain of unused toys.

I know I would have much rather known what the child liked when buying gifts for friends & family's children in the past, than being left to guess and felt obliged to spend a minimum of X amount on a gift.

I find some of these comments really bizarre.

If humanity carries on down the path it’s on, your children will be terribly happy and fulfilled because they got to play with plastic tat, but they won’t have much of a planet to live on.

Lots of advice already, but I think you can either say: 'No presents please' or 'If anyone wants to get DD a present and would like some ideas she would love art supplies, books or seeds for her garden!' Either way I think you'll get some amount of plastic tat (for the charity shop!). Sorry!

If humanity carries on down the path it’s on, your children will be terribly happy and fulfilled because they got to play with plastic tat, but they won’t have much of a planet to live on.

I agree.... but apparently that makes me weird/odd ()

I also find the notion of people repeatedly passing on unused/unwanted plastic crap from birthday party to birthday party basically just to fulfil the social obligation of giving “something” at birthday parties (that clearly no one wants or needs) really quite silly - when you look at it objectively. Why not put the item into circulation in the first place?

I get that people think “oh you’re being a killjoy” and probably have fond memories of their own childhood parties/xmases with mountains of presents.... but we have to be realistic that the world has moved on somewhat in the last 30 years. We have to encourage more realistic expectations of consumerism in the next generation... if we want them to have a future to enjoy

Crispy PMSL at 'quinoa and manchego'. Though I would have said quinoa and poached egg, which was one of Gwyneth's suggestions for a healthy dinner in her highly amusing cookbook. Right..... it's not on my list.

OP! this is not directed at you. Chill. Everybody agrees that plastics have to go.

What’s not directed at me?

Clearly not everybody on this thread does agree that plastics need to go.....

There are many ways to reduce plastic on a day-to-day basis. I don't see why you have to focus on the one day a year your child has an occasion where it's all about them, and their friends give them gifts they've chosen.

I guess because it’s not just once a year is it? It’s birthdays, Easter, Xmas, every time relatives visit, days out with grandparents, trips into town.... it can feel like your constantly fighting an ongoing deluge of “stuff”..... this was just a post about one conversation I had with a friend that’s all

'But this is what I’m talking about... imagine if every one of those parties people just gifted £1 in a birthday card, or bought seeds or second hand books, think of the waste reduction!'

Imagine if you just didn't give gifts at all! Just put no gifts, please, and be done with it.

All this wankery around gifts is tedious. First it was weddings, 'Oh, we don't want tat, we've lived together for years, but we want your money.' Then it became 'milestone' birthdays, with invitations to pay for yourself to go away/eat/drink with the person whose birthday it is and hand over some cash, too.

If you don't want tat and you want to dictate to others what they give you as a gift, you're best off asking for no gifts because any other dictat is rude.

But having children is hugely unenvironmental full stop. To have them for your selfish reasons and then take away one of the joys of childhood (giving and receiving gifts, possibly including some tat) does seem odd to me.. and indeed mean.
You’re message will also make you sound pretentious and like you think you’re better than other parents (in fact, I’m sure you do think that)