Can you request “no toys” for birthday parties

[Absofrigginlootly]

Just musing really with a friend about whether it’s bad form to state “no toys as presents” on a child’s party invite.....?

For context: we both try to practice toy minimalism. Both for child development reasons (research shows how less toys = more attention and creativity) and for the environmental impact of mass produced plastic toys.

If an invite said something like “presents are not expected but if you want to gift something please can we kindly request no toys. Suggestions if they may be helpful: art supplies, plant seeds, sticker books, picture/reading books”

Would you think that was unreasonable? Rude?

I’m on the fence and can’t decide

Having now been to loads of parties and held a fair few for my DDs, I don’t think you need to worry. The vast majority of presents we’ve been given are sticker books, stationary, books and craft sets. And yes, we’ve been given seeds (which the DDs loved). Aside from small lego sets, we’ve received very little in the way of plastic toys. The odd barbie or my little pony had been very gratefully received.

I agree with you in principle about trying to reduce plastic/waste/too many toys, but I don’t think you’re going to achieve much by dictating present options.

If I got the "no toys as presents" on an invitation, I would wonder why the parents don't want their child to have toys. I wouldn't equate that automatically to trying to cut down on plastic waste.

I'd love to see the study that says less toys = more attention and creativity. Rubbish. If you really want to rely on research rather than your own parental instinct then I would read around the subject a little more.

It wouldnt bother me at all to receive an invite like that.

I’d feel sorry for the child, I would wonder why they aren’t allowed toys and if you asked for money I’d assume it was so you could keep it for yourself. Just regift what you don’t want. Never heard of toy minimalism, I have however heard of children under developed due to a lack of toys.

I'm with fruitbat here OP in thinking you are being somewhat pretentious. What research, exactly, has shown that fewer toys = greater creativity and attention? Sounds ridiculous to me. A good toy will stimulate the imagination and promote creative play. A 'bad' toy (whatever that might be) will be ignored.

Good toys that I remember included a cardboard box and 2 wooden spoons, and a fab (plastic) Fisher Price Garage. Also Polly Pocket and Sylvanian Families. Oh and the treehouse in the backgarden. I won't go on but the point is that each child is different and will love a toy for their own reasons.

I’d much rather give cash in a card, tbh, so wouldn’t mind your “no presents” request at all.

A friend did one for her DD where instead of gifts they asked for donations to the SPCA. They raised $160 or so for the local shelter

I’ve read around the subject plenty. There’s a whole book full of research references (Simplicity Parenting) for starters. And I do use my parents instinct - I can see how my DD plays more meaningfully with less.

Twitter you’ve actually just exemplified the whole point - a cardboard box and wooden spoons and a tree house are open ended. They stimulate creativity and imagination much more than a flashing, noisy plastic toy where you just hit a button could ever do.

Atsea you are talking about neglect and deprivation. A hold can make a “toy” out of pots and pans and a sheet (den building!) and cardboard box. The underdevelopment comes from a deficit in play and opportunities to play, rather than the toys themselves.

I thought this article was pretty good. It talks about Xmas presents, but applies equally to “plastic tat”
www.monbiot.com/2012/12/10/the-gift-of-death/

*child not hold

I think where children's parties are concerned it's a get what you are given situation unless someone asks what your child might like, then offer ideas.
If your really bothered about your child having too many toys then get them to choose a couple and donate the rest to children who have no toys through unfortunate circumstances rather than the worthy choice of their parents.

I guess there is no harm in reading parenting manuals such as Simplicity Parenting and alot of the views are researched, but there are other studies saying different things so these books shouldn't be treated as gospel.

I've always thought that variety is key - my children always had many different toys and activities but also had the opportunity to be bored and find their own entertainment. I respected them enough to not make decisions on their behalf but educate them to make their own choices.

If the environment is a the heart of your post then fair enough, but you can re-cycle, donate etc.

I applaud the sentiment op but you aren't going to get away with it

I have twins. So it goes x x 2!! That's a sodding mountain!!

I always give books as presents and believe you me I'm not a great lover of plastic tat either, but let kids be kids, it's only for a few years. Save the planet in other ways. Ditch the car and buy a bike. Dont fly in planes. Only drink tap water. Become a vegetarian, bags for life - just not the kids birthday pressies!

I really wouldn’t mind this at all. I would rather buy a gift that will be used and appreciated

I'd be rolling my eyes if I received this invite. Why does plastic = tat, but wooden = wonderfully stimulating for open ended play. They're all toys and your kid will enjoy playing with them. I think quite a lot of this approach is to do with how your house looks. A Grimms rainbow is trendier looking sitting in the living room than a big plastic digger. Even if your child loves diggers.

Why does plastic = tat, but wooden = wonderfully stimulating for open ended play. It doesn’t automatically. I never said it did.

My DD has plastic dinosaurs and animals and diggers (green toys do some great ones made from recycled plastic incidentally).

Lethal read that link and google “plastic in sea” and see why plastic in itself is such a problem, independently of those other eco friendly lifestyle choices you listed

That link I posted above I mean

I think "no toys" is a bit rude as you're putting a stipulation on the guest without offering anything in return. One thing one of DD's friends did was do a book swap in lieu of presents so everyone brought a wrapped book and they did a lucky dip at the end. I've also been to parties where there was a blanket "no gifts please" request. I do a "Two Presents" party through a local evite site (not UK) whereby the guests make a cash donation (host cant see amount unless guest stipulates) and then the pot is divided between the bday child and a local charity of the child's choice. Means they can buy one thing or save the money.

Oh, this is utterly joyless. Kids LOVE toys, no matter what the research might say.

For DS first birthday we requested no gifts, and instead suggested a donation to a local children’s hospital instead. Ended up getting almost £500 in donations in DS name; we never expected to reach that kind of sum.

At that early age he had no need for toys and gifts, wouldn’t remember them and was already getting spoilt rotten with gifts from us anyway.

Oh I’d find it a bit rude; when you’re in the full swing at that age of 30 odd parties a year (60 or more when you’ve got siblings close in age!) then you’re regifting or buying presents in bulk in advance. Well I used to anyway.

You’ll get a nice mix of gifts anyway I’m sure, craft sets or books are usually cheaper than branded plastic stuff. Age 3/4 they aren’t usually into specific brand toys anyway.

Any you don’t want, there are lots of Christmas present appeals for children who won’t get any gifts...they would be treasured.

“presents are not expected but if you want to gift something please can we kindly request no toys. Suggestions if they may be helpful: art supplies, plant seeds, sticker books, picture/reading books”

Sounds completely fair and reasonable to those coming to the party.

I might start with 'We are wanting to go green and cut out some of our impact on the planet with fewer plastics! So... present are not expected ... etc..

Most people will want to bring something but you have suggested items and others have said books and sticker books etc.

But I bet your kids miss the toys!

The toys are not so bad, you can recycle them to charity shops and NCT sales. I would imagine they have a much lower impact on the planet than disposable nappies, wet wipes and plastic packaging.

I 100% agree wooden spoons and pots and pans have more open-ended play value.

However, one thing I would argue for is access to the latest fad toy! Our dd is on the spectrum and found it hard to connect with other kids. Alien babies in slime filled eggs (yes, I know!) were the thing about 8 years ago when she was 5. Having some of these to play with was a great help for her as other kids had them too.

Alien slime egg

It's one of these things that you can say in person without sounding rude (providing you don't use the words "practising toy minimalism"), but written down comes across incredibly badly

I agree OP about your concern about plastic. Toys like shopkins, hatchimals, LOL surprise dolls are all fad, cheap rubbish which inevitably will end up in landfills or worse in the ocean. LEGO is probably the only plastic toy I like because I would never throw it away. I have all of mine from when I was a child and have passed it down.

However, it's really difficult to get the wording right on these invitations. A general 'no gifts please' might be the best option. It depends on how well you know the parents of the children you're inviting. Talking to them beforehand face to face might avoid confusion. You don't have to give environmental reasons - you can say that your family will go to town on presents and you don't want your child getting too much. I think most parents would understand that.

If I was going to be polite, I would say you're coming across as rather pretentious.

If I let the manners slide, I would do this:-
'quality not quantity' 🙄😂
'playsilks' 🙄😂

Either way, my eyes would be rolling out of my head if I got a similar invitation.

This is AIBU, after all.

PS It's utmost, not upmost.

I don't see a problem with it. I'm happy to buy a small gift for DS friend if he's attending a party, but it's a pain trying to guess what said child would like. I'd much rather get something I know would go to use than spend £5 on something that never gets used or goes straight in the bin/to the charity shop.