To expect my twins to be kept together

[Blazingspeed]

Due to start reception in September. School has put them in separate classes without consulting me.
What do I do now? They won’t do well without each other, especially just starting out

Download the Multiple Choice document from Tamba, book an appt with the HT and take it along. Ask to see a written copy of their policy in separating twins. It won't exist I am sure.

@ReadytoTalk

Experience of parenting or being a twin, no.
35 years of experience with twins, yes.

Although I really fail to see your point? Parents don't always know best.

Just ask the school to keep them together. It's really that simple. They may say no, but at least you asked them instead of a bunch of strangers on MN...who can't actually help with your problem.

You can change this if you act now, before the Stay and Play sessions.

@DiggertyDamn as a parent of twins that was my experience of my twins when they were separated. Their emotional development came to a standstill during the time they were separated.
We treat them very much as individuals, thought that they were very robust, never call them or refer to them as twins and have always encouraged their individuality, sent them off to spend time with aunts and uncles etc. separately. Separating them at 4 y.o. and throwing them into a class with a load of other kids (twice their size as they were and stil are tiny) without each other was absolutely not good for them. For my DTs is was cruel.
Right now they are bickering and fighting all the time and I would quite happily send them to opposite ends of the earth but at 4 y.o. they didn't understand being separated and it was too much.
Twins are not like other siblings.
If the OP thinks her DTs should be together then they should be.

Research I read at some point or other suggested that MZ twins who live separately actually end up more like each other that twins that grow up together(even when they have never met). Twins together fight to be different and independent.

If it were me I’d give it a go and see how it goes with them being in separate classes. They may still see a lot of each other anyway if the classes do stuff together. If it seems problematic then you can speak to the school and ask if they can change.

If you really don’t want them to be split up though just speak to the school and ask. All they can say is no.

@echtI wasnt talking to you but why so angry?

1. Since when you were queen of AIBU?
2. Why so presumptuous of my mood? Of course, far easier to make it me, not engage with the utter silliness of your comment to kubex. I'll break it down for you: this thread is full of people who are/aren't/twins/parents of/teachers/of/innocent bystanders. You don't have to have direct personal experience to have a view.

Did they have different key workers in nursery?
I concur with the posters who have agreed with your boys being in different classes. When I was at school twins were separated, and at my children's school they are too.

My B/G twins are in the same reception class and doing brilliantly - most people don't realise they are twins. Frankly at this stage, I chose it for my convenience - they managed Montessori nursery in the same class really well with no concerns other than the occasional "Don't dare do that to my sister". Their school mixes the years up as they get older so always a chance to separate them further on if they need to. There are also identical twin girls in the other reception class so on a purely anecdotal level, our school bases it on parental choice.

blazingspeed that's the problem though. Maybe twin1 would thrive alone but twin2 wouldn't or the other way round. Maybe they would both benefit or maybe neither would. That's why they need to be assessed individually rather than as a pair.

If you say they are thriving at nursery where they can connect when they need to, I wouldn't imagine reception would be any different to be honest even if they are in opposite classes. There is also the danger that they will pick up on your negative feelings about it and so it becomes an issue for them.

If it were me I think I would prepare as if they will be in different classes but have a backup plan ready with school in case it doesn't work out. Hopefully your anxieties will be allayed quickly.

It's a shame there is no home visit, I thought most primary's did them now.

Genuine question - why are twins not like other siblings?

I understand that identical twins is one thing. But I know plenty of non identical twins and genuinely do not see how their 'bond' is any different to the bond my 5 and 4 yr olds have together (neither remember life without the other and they've done everything together; definitely caused problems for the youngest when eldest started school last year)

I think they should be kept together at primary school. Seems to be the done thing here and then separate for high school (by then they usually have different friends and are more independent).

We have 3 sets of twins in my daughters class their all being split in year 1

It stifles growing their own personality also it’s stops them making new friends and learning how to be self reliant

This is a good thing op you will see but hugs because it feels cruel to you

I would be too worried that putting them together in reception with the potential to split up later would be too hard, and really unfair, on the twin which had to subsequently move class after friendships had been formed. The move to reception is the optimum time for them to adjust to separate classes, you need to think longer term for both twins rather than what is easiest short term for one.

One of the twins in my daughters class have even developed a language of their own and really don’t play with any other children

I had exactly the same worry as you, although I knew it was going to happen, as I had asked it at the open evening and spoke the head beforehand (I am that mum)
In reality though, it was fine. reception was free flowing so the only time they were apart was at registration and story time at the end of the day. they could be together pretty the whole school day if they wanted to.

I shared my concerns with teachers who were really accommodating, promised they could sit together if they wanted to etc.

Mine are academically very different and it really helped DT1 not being able to compare himself negatively to his brother. (Why is his reading book different, why is his maths different etc).

It really annoys me when they are treated like 'the twins'. We have it in loads of clubs they do together (swimming lessons they were both called by the same name, football team they got subbed for each other etc) so being themselves at school has been really important.

At secondary school, a teacher who taught them both didn't even know they were related till we all turned up at parents evening together.

Sorry, whiteonred, you might not like it but my practical experience very much is that "anxious" children are more likely to have a parent encouraging (albeit unintentionally)
their anxious behaviour. Ofcourse I am aware of children's differing temperaments, it would be nigh on impossible to be in a one to one teaching, classroom or wider school environment and not notice that! What I also know, from my academic study of psychology and work in mental health, which makes up part of my whole reason for having practical experience of children in an educational environment, is that these problems are not made better by making them a child's sole focus. We have a set of twins who have to be separated because twin 2 has become physically aggressive to the other children because their reliance on their sibling is excessive. Luckily their mother is sensible enough to realise that twin 2's more submissive personality, but dependence on twin 1, is detrimental to them both and to the other children. Yes they could be left where twin 2 feels comfortable due to his "temperament" but why throw them all under the bus rather than help that child develop themselves?

It's only really 1.5 hours at a time: 9-10.30, 11-12.30, 1.30-3.

Or thereabouts.

They cannot split them if you don't want them to.

Not true. There is nothing in law saying that parents can dictate how schools organise their classes, and indeed TAMBA's documents confirm that.

OP, you refer to the fact that the twins are only 4, but the reality is that for most children they go out to nursery and pre-school without their siblings at a much younger age.

That said, it seems to me that there is little point in discussing the issue on here. You obviously need to arrange an early meeting with the school where you can each put forward your respective view points. But I would suggest you go with an open mind and be prepared to take on board what they have to say.

We used to ask if parents wanted twins to be together. We even had a set of triplets together for their first year. When I had year 2 I had a brother and sister and 2 brothers in the same class as they were born in the same school year. They were fine and were each their own individual selves.

I delayed my twins starting school, mainly because one of them was going through extreme separation anxiety (from me rather than his twin!) so they only did a few weeks in reception before starting year 1. They were together for those few weeks and then separated in year 1.

Then in year 4 the school asked if I'd mind if they were put together as they shared the same friends. So they were in the same class for the rest o primary.

At secondary they were put in the same form as there were only 3 of them from the primary school going to that secondary and the policy is to keep them together so they know someone.

They're year 9 now and have chosen almost the same GCSEs - because they like the same sort of thing. They're not in the same classes though, but I don't know if that was a deliberate decision by the school. They still share a lot of friends though and do most things together. But they don't mind being apart.

I don't think keeping them together to begin with will mean they will never be apart. My two slept together till they were 10 but would be horrified by that now.

They share the same friends because they like the same things, and of course have that in common with their friends, not because they can't be separated as twins.

Also I have never dressed them the same (apart from school uniform, and scouts) and I hate hate hate when other people call them "the twins"

You know them best and if you feel they'd be better of together then talk to the school. They shouldn't have a blanket policy of separating twins because every set of twins is different.