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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What happened with my sister.

167 replies

SweetLittleStar · 11/06/2018 22:57

On my birthday my partner attcked me in front of my 20 friends. He did it in a club I go to regularly but I haven’t had the courage to go back since.

5 months later my sister asked me to go out with her to the same club. I refused because I was so traumatised. Eventually, after lectures from family and friends about how strong I am. I went.

She asked me to meet her there at 12. At 11.30 I was in the cab and called numerous times and I got no answer. I assumed she was in the club and couldn’t hear so when I arrived I went in.

When I got inside it was like a battlefield from my previous relationship and I instantly felt vulnerable. I couldn’t find her and had to arrange several Uber’s to get a successful trip back. At 1.30am she eventually responded saying the friend she was with was paralytic and had to go home. I was devastated.

I eventually got in an Uber and told her it was unkind and I’ve spent £60 on an Uber she replied with”well ive spend £140”. I was fuming and said i will not be going out again and I will not be able to attend her birthday in 2 week. She ignored me and ignored me since when I said I was cross and I will be there. I haven’t heard anything from her.. what’s the right thing to do? should i try again to contact her?

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetLittleStar · 12/06/2018 14:35

ok forget it!

OP posts:
Miserysquared · 12/06/2018 14:47

I think you should send her a little message just to explain that you were upset about her not telling you there had been a change of plans, and that you felt a bit sensitive about going to the club in the first place because you still have some upset over the birthday event, and maybe tell her you don't want to fall out with her and suggest a little catch up, assuming you want to maintain your relationship.

Good luck

HildaZelda · 12/06/2018 14:54

It seems as though you're fixated on a fairly minor incident with your sister so that you don't have to deal with the more major incident of your partner attacking you.

Original poster
SweetLittleStar · 12/06/2018 14:56

it happened 6 months ago. we dealt with it. you call minor standing someone up after them paying to get somewhere to meet you and paying for entry? im not "fixated" her birthday is coming up so im not sure if i should still go since shes ignored my messages.

OP posts:
Juells · 12/06/2018 15:01

In fairness - and I haven't RTFT - if she's young it just mightn't occur to her. When I was young I was completely brainless (may still be) and I wouldn't have been able to really understand why you'd be traumatised by going back to that place.

Having said that, it's weird that you're devastated by going to that location, but still with the partner who assaulted you. As others have said, something a bit wonky going on there.

Haffiana · 12/06/2018 15:06

it happened 6 months ago. we dealt with it

But not when you want to have a self-pitying snit at your sister for looking after her friend and not paying you enough attention. I think I would ignore you as well.

crispysausagerolls · 12/06/2018 15:17

I don’t understand this at all. You are now trying to say the issue wasn’t you being traumatised about going to the club? That’s the whole point of the post surely? I don’t understand how you can be traumatised by the club when you are saying you’ve dealt with the incident with you partner and moved on and seem to be fine with the incident itself and him? It just sounds like you are annoyed your sister stood you up and are looking for additional reasons to give for this annoyance and to get more of an apology.

Summerfeeling · 12/06/2018 15:22

I agree with PP who said it was more a case of being embarrassed to return to the club than traumatised. I can't accept it's trauma based on what you've said and the fact you are with your partner.

Your sister shouldn't have let you down but perhaps there was no signal (often the case in bars and clubs) and she was busy dealing with her friend. She should have apologised but only for missing the night out and not in relation to exposing you to the trauma of the club.

£60 seems a lot for taxis but you must have known the costs if you were a regular.

Do you want a relationship with your sister or not? Only the answer to that will give you an answer as to whether you should go to her birthday and patch things up. If she doesn't usually let you down, I would let it go.

SparklyMagpie · 12/06/2018 15:22

As your sister I wouldn't want you coming to my birthday with that abusive prick you're still with

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2018 15:35

Are you saying you have not spoken or communicated to her at all in the last six months?

Your posts are hard to comprehend, you keep writing conflicting things, now you say it was dealt with and was six months ago, in your op you say she ignored you and you haven't heard from her since.

There seems to be some very fundamental facts you are writing different things about.

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2018 15:37

Sorry are you saying you dealt with it with your partner for attacking you , but not your sister for not turning up because she was handling the drunk?

How old are you?

Astella22 · 12/06/2018 16:02

Maybe you should try apologising to her for your over the top reaction. She had an emergency to deal with.

Original poster
SweetLittleStar · 12/06/2018 16:26

no MY birthday thing happened 6 months ago which everyone is focusing on.

OP posts:
Juells · 12/06/2018 16:36

Everyone is focusing on it because it's the shocker, not what your sister did.

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2018 16:38

Op, are you a bit of a drama llama? Reread your opening post. You start off by telling us you were attacked, and that five months later you are still so traumatised by it uou cant face going to thr club. About how your friends and family have to rally round you and say how strong you were.

Then you reduce it to he grabbed your leg and shouted in uour face and he was thrown out, you're still with him.

Did you both just get pissed, have an argument in thr club, get thrown out, and you were too embarrassed to go back, but you went all drama llama as you thought it would get posters on side or something?

I mean you even tell us how just entering the club was like a "battlefield from your previous relationship" god knows why you wrote previous and you instantly felt vulnerable.

You even tell us how you had to get "several ubers" just to get home, yet only spent 60 quid.

You then even try to convince us that after writing all that it wasn't really about your trauma.

So, I'm sorry, right now I'm thinking drama llama. You got drunk and fought with your partner, got chucked out the club, were too embarrassed to go back, sister stood you up, you were horrible to her, she's now ignoring uou and you're panicking as you quite fancy going to her party.

Original poster
SweetLittleStar · 12/06/2018 16:40

no one got chucked out this club. this sites weird so i wont bother responding anymore. the first 2 ubers didnt turn up fyi. wont be posting again.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 12/06/2018 16:45

Bluntness100

Your last post = a very accurate summary of this entire shitshow!

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2018 16:48

Ok my bad, sorry, change that to chucked out the vip area only.

So I'm guessing as the only bits you chose to correct was you weren't chucked out the entire club and two Uber's didn't turn up, means I hit the nail on the head?

TacoLover · 12/06/2018 16:50

What did you expect her to do though? Abandon her paralytic friend? Obviously they must've needed her help if she was staying with them. She probably thought that her friend needed her help more and that you would be fine, seeing as you were perfectly happy to stay with the man that abused you in the first place.

staffiegirl · 12/06/2018 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaxhog · 12/06/2018 16:57

Wow! You were traumatised enough not to want to go back to the club, but not traumatised enough to kick the violent B out? I'm guessing that this is why your family and Sis thought it wasn't so bad.

The problem isn't with your Sis, it's with your DP.

CadyHeron · 12/06/2018 17:03

Why would you still be with a partner who attacked you?

I take it you haven't ventured onto the relationships boards on here?
There's some horrible posts on here.
You just need to look there to see there's loads of women with abusive partners who feel they can't leave.

Lovemusic33 · 12/06/2018 17:03

People on here are so f*cking horrible.

OP, you have a right to be upset, it was a horrible thing to do, she should have arranged to meet you outside the club at a certain time as you were so anxious about going in.
I think sometimes it’s hard for people to understand why we are so upset or anxious after a trauma, unless they have expereance the same themselves they just don’t get it. I was assaulted by a ex boyfriend in a pub many years ago, it took me a few years to go back in, I go in there quite a bit now but I still remember that night.

Next time she asks you to go out make sure you meet her before going to the venue, if she doesn’t answer her phone then don’t get in the taxi to go.

CadyHeron · 12/06/2018 17:08

OP, maybe try again and repost in the relationships board on here, where you're more likely to get some proper support from understanding people.
I think sometimes posters think that just because it's AIBU it's a green light to act like a fuckwit.

pbjs · 12/06/2018 17:19

Some massive twats on this thread.

just to clarify i never said he attacked me to such an extent, not trying to minimise it but he grabbed my leg and was screaming in my face to get outside to talk to him, he bruised my arm while he was grabbing me, at this point he was removed from the area we were in (vip bit as it was my birthday) by the bouncers. he has never done anything like that before hence the shock and me feeling traumatised.

OP I agree with a pp that your sister might think as you are still with this man that you aren't that bothered by it.

So if we take that as a starting point, yes, she she stood you up but it was to help a friend she thought was worse off.

I have to say you have said you are so traumatised you can't go back to that club and then acted like it was no big deal up there^. The issue isn't your sister it's your partner. He's not a nice man.

Your partner attacked you and you got back with him....but now you're consisering cutting your sister off for simply standing you up at a club. Why does your partner get the free pass to treat you like shit?

FWIW I have a sister who stopped talking to me (I got involved after she was abused by a boyfriend).... I wasn't the one who deserved her anger but one thing that did strike me was how what I did was "worse" in her mind.