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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What happened with my sister.

167 replies

SweetLittleStar · 11/06/2018 22:57

On my birthday my partner attcked me in front of my 20 friends. He did it in a club I go to regularly but I haven’t had the courage to go back since.

5 months later my sister asked me to go out with her to the same club. I refused because I was so traumatised. Eventually, after lectures from family and friends about how strong I am. I went.

She asked me to meet her there at 12. At 11.30 I was in the cab and called numerous times and I got no answer. I assumed she was in the club and couldn’t hear so when I arrived I went in.

When I got inside it was like a battlefield from my previous relationship and I instantly felt vulnerable. I couldn’t find her and had to arrange several Uber’s to get a successful trip back. At 1.30am she eventually responded saying the friend she was with was paralytic and had to go home. I was devastated.

I eventually got in an Uber and told her it was unkind and I’ve spent £60 on an Uber she replied with”well ive spend £140”. I was fuming and said i will not be going out again and I will not be able to attend her birthday in 2 week. She ignored me and ignored me since when I said I was cross and I will be there. I haven’t heard anything from her.. what’s the right thing to do? should i try again to contact her?

OP posts:
LighthouseSouth · 12/06/2018 01:00

I can only guess but if your family aren't worried that you're still with the man, then I guess they see that as normal behaviour, man attaching woman.

So on that basis they encouraged you to go back to the club thinking you could shake off the memories and enjoy it.

If that's their view, they will think you had a go at your sister for no reason.

But if that's their view, it's a very wrong one. I would get away from the man and work on setting some boundaries as your family don't sound like decent people either. Sorry Flowers

Littlechocola · 12/06/2018 01:10

I think by still being with your attacker your family possibly don’t recognise your fear and distress.
Ignore your sister. It’s yesterday’s news. Just a cock up and you sound like you need all of the support you can get.

Monty27 · 12/06/2018 01:20

Has your attacker been barred from the club? You should have brought him with you and at least your sister standing you up wouldn't have been so bad eh?

CadyHeron · 12/06/2018 01:25

Op, maybe ask for this to be moved from AIBU to relationships? Think you'll get a lot more supportive answers and help/understanding than on here x

Beansonapost · 12/06/2018 01:26

you didn't want to go back to the club because you were embarrassed...

If it was so traumatic you wouldn't be with the person who attacked you.

help a paralytic friend or wait on my sister who is embarrassed to be seen at this venue....

I'd help my friend.

Italiangreyhound · 12/06/2018 01:26

I'm so sorry this man attacked you and so sorry your sister and family bullied you into going back to a place you would find so difficult to go to.

Please get some counselling.

I think in your shoes I would write a short letter or email to my sister explaining that I was not happy going back to the club, felt bullied/pushed into it (whatever is true for you). That she should have gone with you and not arranged to meet you there.

I hope this man is part of your past and I really recommend counselling and maybe a Freedom course from Women's aid.

I think I would leave the ball in your sister's court. If you are expecting an apology or just for her to acknowledge she let you down.

So your ex, your sister and your family have all let you down. Time to make some new friends and find a new way forward that works for you. XX Thanks

notangelinajolie · 12/06/2018 01:28

Well, at first was thinking that when you said 'partner' you really meant to say 'ex partner' but reading on I see you are still together. Stunned that you appear to be more traumatized at having to order an uber than you are after being attacked by this monster. Why? Seriously ... I would like to know why you are still together.

Italiangreyhound · 12/06/2018 01:31

SweetLittleStar Just seen this...
'we are still together.'

If you are with the man who attacked you then I can see why your sister would think you are over it, since you are still with the guy.

I think you need to work out what you want. I'd want to feel safe. You see the club as the issue, I'd see the attacker as the issue. I'n not sure your relationship with your sister is really the big picture here. He attacked you in front of 20 people. Anyway, good luck.

2blueshoes · 12/06/2018 01:44

Guys, she says he was her previous partner in the post.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/06/2018 02:16

And then later says they are still together.
I don't know - it's not at all clear whether she is still with the man who attacked her or not!

As for the sister, that was a rotten shitty thing to do - at the very least she could have answered her fucking phone and said "no, sorry, not at the club any longer, don't come" instead of leaving the OP there.

Mind you, if she was there for 1.5h by herself, then it can't have been that traumatic - I'd have left in the first 5 minutes if I'd not found the person I was supposed to be meeting and they refused to answer their phone.

OutComeTheWolves · 12/06/2018 07:39

Op you're getting some shitty replies in amongst the good advice.

I'm not sure why some one felt it appropriate to comment on one rogue apostrophe and ignore the actual point of the thread.

Likewise people commenting on the cost of the Uber and the time you arrived at the club. Not sure what they have to gain by derailing the thread and minimising your problem but there you go.

My guess is your sister sounds very young or with limited life experience. I'd say because you're still with your partner, she hasn't realised how traumatic this experience was for you. Younger people generally have a much more black & white view of the world and don't understand how hard it is to leave an abuser. If you want to salvage the relationship with your sister, I'd explain the situation to her in person so she understands the effect her actions have had. If she has form for selfishness, I'd just leave it.

swimmerlab · 12/06/2018 07:46

I would find it hard to take yours fears seriously if you are with the guy that attacked you. You can stay with him but not visit the venue it happened in???

Yes, your sister behaved badly but if the above is correct she probably doesn't understand why you being there was such a big deal.

If you are still with the person that attacked you, rather than be cross with your sister, try and work out why you are willing to put up with this kind of treatment.

Quartz2208 · 12/06/2018 07:49

Yes I think there is a disconnect between being traumatised by the club and still being with him

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2018 08:02

Ill be honest i don't understand this either. Clearly your sister was struggling with someone very drunk, and that can be complex and you can't walk away and leave them, sometimes you can't even text.

I don't get how you wished to cut her out, are traumatised by the place, and yet you are still in a romantic relationship with this man?

I can see why your family and friends might not understand why the club is what traumatises you but you chose to be romantically involved with him.

diddl · 12/06/2018 08:15

"Clearly your sister was struggling with someone very drunk, and that can be complex "

You'd think that she might have contacted Op to let her know what was going on though.

All seems odd to me though-friends & family lecturing.

Unless Op was desperate to be able to go to the club & moaning that she didn't dare?

Otherwise, I would have thought going to the club again wouldn't even register!

mrsm43s · 12/06/2018 08:27

I'm afraid I'm with your sister on this. She was caught between a rock and hard place - she had the choice of supporting a friend who was paralytic and desperately needed her help, or supporting you.

The club didn't attack you - your partner did. You are still with your partner, which gives a very strong message that you are OK with the attack. (Personally I think this is insane and you deserve better than that and should getting him out of your life immediately, but that's a whole other thread).

So if you don't take the attack seriously enough to end your relationship, why should you expect your sister to take it seriously, and ditch her paralytic friend who needs her to support you?

Honestly, the whole thing is a mess, and you sound very young and immature.

The one thing that I do know is that the relationship that you should consider ending and cutting contact with is that of your partner who attacked you. That is the most important thing here.

RubberJohnny · 12/06/2018 08:37

Are you still with the partner who attacked you, op?

montenuit · 12/06/2018 08:47

Sorry but i really don't get how you can be so traumatised about an attack that you struggle to go to the place it happened BUT are still with the person who did it Confused
No wonder your family don't get it.

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2018 08:51

You'd think that she might have contacted Op to let her know what was going on though

Sometimes it's difficult and it's probable the sister was also drunk.

Either way it makes no sense. The op states her partner, then says it was like a battlefield from her previous relationship then says she's still with him. She says she was "too traumatised" to go to the club, but says she's still romantically involved with the man who attacked her. 🤷‍♀️

SEsofty · 12/06/2018 09:01

Can’t get over the idea of meeting at midnight to start the night out. I’m so old

LemonBreeland · 12/06/2018 09:10

I can see why your sister wouldn't understand that you would find the club traumatic if you are still with the person who attacked you.

Why are you still with someone who attacked you? And to attack you like that in public makes me very concerned for your safety in private.

Original poster
SweetLittleStar · 12/06/2018 09:11

im not really asking about the other stuff just what to do now since shes ignored me?

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 12/06/2018 09:16

im not really asking about the other stuff just what to do now since shes ignored me?

Don't give it any thought, and concentrate on the real issue you need to deal with, which is getting away from the man who attacked you.

TheTroutofNoCraic · 12/06/2018 09:16

OP I think you are fixated on the wrong issue tbh.

mountainfalls · 12/06/2018 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.