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AIBU?

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Original poster

What happened with my sister.

167 replies

SweetLittleStar · 11/06/2018 22:57

On my birthday my partner attcked me in front of my 20 friends. He did it in a club I go to regularly but I haven’t had the courage to go back since.

5 months later my sister asked me to go out with her to the same club. I refused because I was so traumatised. Eventually, after lectures from family and friends about how strong I am. I went.

She asked me to meet her there at 12. At 11.30 I was in the cab and called numerous times and I got no answer. I assumed she was in the club and couldn’t hear so when I arrived I went in.

When I got inside it was like a battlefield from my previous relationship and I instantly felt vulnerable. I couldn’t find her and had to arrange several Uber’s to get a successful trip back. At 1.30am she eventually responded saying the friend she was with was paralytic and had to go home. I was devastated.

I eventually got in an Uber and told her it was unkind and I’ve spent £60 on an Uber she replied with”well ive spend £140”. I was fuming and said i will not be going out again and I will not be able to attend her birthday in 2 week. She ignored me and ignored me since when I said I was cross and I will be there. I haven’t heard anything from her.. what’s the right thing to do? should i try again to contact her?

OP posts:
magoria · 12/06/2018 09:19

So you won't forgive your sister who was looking after a very drunk person, seeing to their safety and getting them home. Dealing with a very drunk person she probably had her hands too busy to contact you right then. You will punish her by not going to her party.

But you will stay with someone who assaulted you badly enough to traumatise you about the place they did it at.

And you can't understand why she is pissed at you?

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2018 09:20

The other stuff is relevant though.

Your sister was inconsiderate to not call, I'd now just leave it and move on, contact her as and when you would normally but don't go out if your way.

She doesn't really understand how the VENUE can be a trigger when you cuddle up to the abuser who attacked you every night.

Same for your family - they're pushing you to get over it because if you're sleeping with the abuser who attacked you, you must be over it, right?

Except you understandably and rightly Aren't over it but you're distracting away by the venue being the problem, your sister being the blame etc.

The problem isis the guy who is meant to love you attacked you in public in front of all your friends, god only knows what he's done / does when no one can see

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2018 09:21

From page 2

SweetLittleStar
we are still together

AFistfulofDolores1 · 12/06/2018 09:21

The thing is, OP, it's all linked: your sister's behaviour, your family's response to your going to the club, and your decision to stay with a violent man.

When you see that connection, you'll see why you can't simply deal with things individually.

JessicaJonesJacket · 12/06/2018 09:25

You stayed with your partner after he attacked you hence why your DSIS and the rest of your family thought it was fine for you to go to the club. Then your DSIS had to cope with a friend who was drunk. It wasn't ideal but there wasn't anything else she could do.
tbh since you're in a relationship with a violent partner, I think you should work hard to maintain all your family relationships. You're going to need their support.

PeppermintPasty · 12/06/2018 09:41

This is very odd. You seem to be in denial about the real issue. The elephant in the room is the fact that you are still with a man who attacked you.

Can you explain a bit more about it? The thing with your sister kind of pales into insignificance next to that, I think that is what is giving posters difficulty.

brummiesue · 12/06/2018 09:52

Why on earth would your sister think you would be traumatised or unable to visit that club when you went home with him and continued the relationship? That just looks like you have accepted and dealt with what happened.

crispysausagerolls · 12/06/2018 09:59

I agree that it’s all linked and you can’t ask for advice on the situation with your sister without people looking at the context.

For example; when I assumed you had ended things with you partner, I thought your sister was the devil. Now I know you are still with him, I can understand her point of view - why would she take your fear of the club seriously when you are still with your attacker? I’m sorry to say I would find it very hard to sympathise. Yes, she should have told you that she had left, but these things happen and she had a good reason.

BMW6 · 12/06/2018 10:04

Are you not just deflecting the anger you have with the person who attacked you onto your sister?
Why the fuck are you still in a relationship with him yet so traumatised by the venue where he attacked you?

You need some serious help because your thinking is totally fucked up on this.

MrsPreston11 · 12/06/2018 10:05

So your partner attacked you in a club.

You're still with the partner.

But the club is what causes you trauma?

There's a LOT more to worry about here than your sister......

You're seeing someone who ATTACKED you! Have some respect for yourself and LTB.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/06/2018 10:06

People aren’t responding to you because you’re not dealing with the real issue. Had you split from your partner, your family would hopefully be taking the incident more seriously. What your sister did and said was shitty and she definitely didn’t cover herself in glory. But it pails in significance with what your partner has done to you. If you’re so happy to forgive him, why is there even an issue with your sister? You both sound as if you need to grow up tbh.

MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 12/06/2018 10:10

Morning, everyone. Big thanks to eveyrone who was offered the OP advice and support. Just popping by with a reminder to always be kind where you can, especially in situations that are as complex and senstive as this.

OP - we hope you have all the support you need in RL to stay safe and that you get lots more good advice here on resolving the situation with your sister.

Earthwindnfiya · 12/06/2018 10:13

I think you have a lot of growing up to do OP, you sound very young.

Gizlotsmum · 12/06/2018 10:15

I think your sister probably figured you weren’t traumatised as you are still with the person who attacked you and have put the attack behind you.

Maybe she should have apologised for standing you up but it probably seemed less of a big deal with out knowing how traumatised you are. I would text and try to clear the air before her birthday.

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2018 10:17

Op, just apologise to your sister, say you over reacted.

Are you getting any help with the domestic violence? I'm assuming if he's reached the level he will attack you in public, then he does worse at home in private.

Have you spoken to women's aid?

ilovegin112 · 12/06/2018 10:40

I wonder if the sister knows exactly how you feel about this ‘club’ and engineered it so you had face your fears and maybe realise you should be leaving someone who’s meant to love you but beats you in front of all your friends

caringcarer · 12/06/2018 10:45

Why would you still be with a partner who attacked you? Your sister is selfish and uncaring. Don't meet up with her for her birthday wait for her to apologise to you and show some consideration. I do hope you have some nice friends SLS.

SendYouUpinFlames · 12/06/2018 10:49

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BlancheM · 12/06/2018 11:00

I'm so sorry you're having to read such shit comments here. Some people are keen victim blamers or are just thoughtless- like your sister.
Unfortunately, friends and family aren't always equipped or able to give proper support (encouraging you to go back to the scene of your attack was misguided but well intentioned), you sometimes have to reach out and find it yourself.
Your relationship has been normalised to you. This isn't your fault.
To answer your question re your sister, I would talk to her so she can understand how you felt as I don't think she was really putting herself in your shoes with this one.

MeyYael · 12/06/2018 12:41

But you, or them 20 people didn't report him to the police? Hmm.

Quiet a few of them may be his friends / family. Some of the people present may be their partners. And if this is acceptable in his family they may be going through the same...

Some of the people that saw it may be scared. Or think that reporting it is useless if she seems to "take it"/stay with him.

=> Nobody reports it to the police.

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2018 13:28

I think in these circumstances the friends would take their lead from the victim and if she didn't want to report then they wouldn't.

Not sure though how she was attacked in a club to such an extent even going back their traumatises her that the staff didn't get involved and report it.

Original poster
SweetLittleStar · 12/06/2018 14:25

just to clarify i never said he attacked me to such an extent, not trying to minimise it but he grabbed my leg and was screaming in my face to get outside to talk to him, he bruised my arm while he was grabbing me, at this point he was removed from the area we were in (vip bit as it was my birthday) by the bouncers. he has never done anything like that before hence the shock and me feeling traumatised.

OP posts:
MissP103 · 12/06/2018 14:29

So you are more concerned about going to that club as it was so traumatic but yet you are still with the person who caused that?? Give your head a wobble and see things properly.

Original poster
SweetLittleStar · 12/06/2018 14:32

its not about me being traumatised. either way my sister standing me up would have annoyed me, i paid to get up there and to enter the club. i wasnt clear at the end of my op as i said i would go to her birthday and that i only said i wouldnt go because i was cross yet shes ignored it and hasnt spoken to me since. hence me asking whether i should try again.

OP posts:
MadMags · 12/06/2018 14:33

So, you’re too traumatised to go back to the club but not too traumatised to stay with the person who attacked you?

But the big problem is your sister? Confused

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