To not have children because of money & holidays

[tutufruiti]

We are not poor but not rich either, somewhere in the middle. We are comfortable and can afford holidays and days out if we're not too extravagant on other things.
I want a baby but don't know if I can give up having holidays and going out on trips and enjoying life. We would be able to afford a child but would have to give up holidays and for me it's the best time of the year! I've also started to see how difficult and stressful my friends find it having kids and it's putting me off!
Would I be silly to not try, when it has always been my dream to have them? It had always been in my plan I suppose because it seems
to be what people do and I hadn't questioned otherwise. But now I'm starting to wonder if it is worth it?

@sweenytoddsrazor we have two so at their most expensive we expect to spend

£35 k on boarding fees (if they are day pupils obviously it would be a lot cheaper but we don't want them to miss out of we can help it)
£2k on miscellaneous spending so health insurance, lesson for musical instruments sports or whatever, clothes, laptops, train fares here and there, sports equipment, gym memberships, whatever
£5k for school trips and things
£3k for family holidays/trips to visit relatives abroad.

Times two because we have two of them close in age. Obviously if you cut out boarding and holidays etc and only stuck to the essentials you could probably manage on £15k to £20k per year per child without burdening the state. It's the school fees that are the major problem, almost no affordable options available privately, that is why so many families realistically have no option but to take handouts in education in particular but also things like healthcare which isn't cheap either. Bloody expensive. Worth it of course but if you aren't sure about Skenfrith that kind of money on kids like OP then probably best to get a dog instead.

The reality is child free people grow up just like everyone else and their social activities mature accordingly. It’s more about further learning, creative pursuits, policltical or charitable passions, travel and other interests. I’ve seen this before where people assumechild free people get ‘stuck’ in their 20’s when it really is not the case

"You never grow up until you've had children" is something I hear a lot.

if you cut out boarding and holidays etc and only stuck to the essentials you could probably manage on £15k to £20k per year per child

Are you joking?!?

If you wish to spend that much a year on your kids, good on you. But you don't need anywhere near that to give kids an excellent childhood.

Thank you for all the posts. I think the general view is that I should wait a couple more years before thinking about it too much. I think this is probably the right idea and I can reassess then.
I definitely wouldn't be planning £35k on private school though 😂. Each to their own I suppose.. Luckily we live close to a lot of great state schools so that would not be an issue.

'Growing up' is not compulsory, whether you have DC or not. If you want to carry on with a favourite hobby, or going clubbing, or partying till dawn, well into your 60s there is no good reason not to do this.

Also, PP who said that you never know your H until you have DC with him - there is some truth in this. Unfortunately some of that truth is: abuse often begins during pregnancy or when the first child arrives, because if the man is the sort who has always had his own way (sex on demand, his choice prevails in everything from what to eat to which house to buy, Wifey always feeds his ego and flatters him, etc) and he suddenly isn't the centre of attention, he may become verbally or physically abusive, or start sniffing round other women... or just refuse to do any domestic work or childcare and carry on with his social life and hobbies because 'he earns the money'...

Well, quite Cory.

Tbh all I see my friends that are not marri d with kids doing it’s going to bars to drink
Festivals to drink
And on holiday to drink

I want a baby but don't know if I can give up having holidays and going out on trips and enjoying life.

You don’t want kids at all with this attitude

When I was single I drank my liver to shreds. Now as a mom I drink maybe 10 glasses of wine a year. My single friends still drink. Why not? It’s a great hobby if you can sleep it off.

'Growing up' is not compulsory, whether you have DC or not. If you want to carry on with a favourite hobby, or going clubbing, or partying till dawn, well into your 60s there is no good reason not to do this.

Thank you!

So long as you're not harming yourself or others, or neglecting your responsiblities, why on earth shouldn't you choose the lifestyle you enjoy at any age?

There is nothing inherently virtuous or 'mature' about the 2 kids/mortaged semi-D in the suburbs/perpetually exhausted life. It's a choice, like so many others available to women these days. Aren't we so fortunate to have such choices?

I disagree that 'the game is up' once you have more than one dc. I actually think that the massive shift is going from 0 to 1 child. Having another wasn't massively different. I already gone through the life adjustment.

We had nice holidays with DS1 &2 which cost less than the expensive holidays we had as a couple. Cottage in France, small villa in Crete, camping all over the place, cottages in Isle of White and Scotland. We had great fun. They have now grown up and left home but still come back to join in a family break every now and then. I did n't find having children ruinously expensive until the uni stage, and you have quite a few years to save up for that.

Racecardriver, do you really think that using the NHS and the public education system is burdening the state?.

Do you have the support of extended family OP?
Parents willing to babysit/provide childcare.

I make no secret of the fact that the reason I have a nice life and five children is family support. It helps immeasurably.

I still go on holidays with children, but theyre a different sort of holiday.

By the time I had children, I really wanted them - and STILL I find it hard and miss my old life at times.
My life is basically me compromising all the time, and also because I have three, I have to make them compromise all the time with each other, which is particularly difficult because theyre all autistic, which makes them less good at seeing each others point of view, let alone valuing it.

Im fully in support of people choosing to be child-free. I think more people should, especially if they arent massively drawn to reproduce.
If youre happy with your life as it is and are not particularly broody, I dont see the point of changing things. Its not as if the planet needs more people

I have been frustrated at the lack of money sometimes with having two kids, but I can't say I've ever felt that I'd rather have more money/holidays than the kids for one moment.

But I get it if people feel they would rather not be 'burdened' with kids if that's how it would be, and I'm not going to judge people who've had kids and realised that frankly they'd rather not have - sadly it does happen.

We deliberately wound down our social life a bit in the year or two before marriage, knowing we'd be planning to have kids soon. We weren't massive party-ers but we didn't want it to feel like a sudden cut-off. We've done OK for social life as we live near our parents and have been able to make the vast majority of social events with friends unconstrained by childcare issues.

A close friend of mine thought she wanted children, but then at about 30 realised it was just because it was expected and she would rather not, and has been living happily child-free since then.

I enjoy living vicariously through FB friends who didn't go the kids route and some of whom are still raving and at festivals all the time - I do like sharing in it that way, but I don't miss it IRL.

You say it's been your 'dream' to have children - you're right to consider whether that dream is founded on what you feel is expected of you, or a genuine yearning for a family.

My two penn'orth - I don't have children, but I have found in any event, my desire for an eventful social life, holidays and so on has diminished with age (I am now in my mid 40s). If I were to have a child at present, there wouldn't be many activities for it to curtail, other than my weekend lie-ins and some of my longer working days.

What I'm saying is, don't assume you will always want the same things socially as you do now, when you are making this significant decision.

Very true - don't make black and white decisions based on a projection of your future self. I think you're already 10 steps ahead by having this internal/external reflection about motherhood and whether or not it's for you. I'd encourage every young woman to make similar considerations rather than walking into it because "it's just the next step."

I really, really wanted children and I am really glad I have them.

But I will be honest and say that I actually miss holidays a lot. I didn't even consider them as a factor.

We don't have much spare cash so we have tended to camp every other year and it is fun, and the children do love it, and there is a joy in that. But I crave 3 weeks trekking round the Andes.

I guess you cant have everything and the children are better for me - but wouldn't be for everyone.

And just to add, not every childfree woman is living life like Paris Hilton. Many are just about keeping their heads above water.

I really, really wanted children and I am really glad I have them.

Hear hear. Me too @grasspigeons. There were some tough years in there, particularly in the toddler stage when I was a SAHM, but it does get easier over time. Now my oldest is 18 and off to uni this fall. I get a bit teary thinking about not having him about all of the time. His sister will continue to challenge me, as daughters do their mothers. And I don't mean that in a bad way at all.

I had a really exciting life before I had children. Brilliant career and a great social life. I was desperate to have children and had always known I'd have kids.

I have 2 (13 and 11) and have loved and hated parenthood in equal measure over the past 13 years. I find much of it boring and repetitive, and I feel frustrated that my life is limited by having to always put them first.

However I love them with a passion and we do have a lot of fun as a family. Sometimes I look at them and feel completely overwhelmed by my love for them, sometimes I want to run away and never come back. I've found some stages easier than others (loved having babies, toddlers were horrific, primary age was lovely and teens are proving to be worse that the toddler years) so I don't think its a case of parenting being a good or bad experience - its both IME.

If you're not desperate for a child I'd wait a good long while before making a decision. It's fucking hard work.

I had a really exciting life before I had children. Brilliant career and a great social life.
My life pre kids was rubbish. I was nearly 40 with few friends, few opportunities to go for nights out, a rubbish job and no money for holidays. I was actually glad to have an excuse to get out of my job. So being tied down with kids has made little difference to me other than lack of sleep and less time to watch tv. But I can totally see how it would be a devastating loss for a popular, successful woman.

I don't really remember life pre children.
I was twenty two when I had my first and the six years preceding this are a heady haze of superclubs and recreational class A's with a smattering of university memories.

Maybe thats why I'm not too bothered about the realities of parenthood.

It was either that or wonderful, hedonistic cuntery

I got much braver after having DC, learned a new language, moved to two different countries, passed two additional driving exams, did a whole range of things I would never have felt able to do before DC. My DH pushed on really hard with his career, I Think because he wanted to look after DC as well as he could. We have had much more exciting lives post DC than we did pre DC, although we are bloody knackered like most other parents I know.