To not have children because of money & holidays

[tutufruiti]

We are not poor but not rich either, somewhere in the middle. We are comfortable and can afford holidays and days out if we're not too extravagant on other things.
I want a baby but don't know if I can give up having holidays and going out on trips and enjoying life. We would be able to afford a child but would have to give up holidays and for me it's the best time of the year! I've also started to see how difficult and stressful my friends find it having kids and it's putting me off!
Would I be silly to not try, when it has always been my dream to have them? It had always been in my plan I suppose because it seems
to be what people do and I hadn't questioned otherwise. But now I'm starting to wonder if it is worth it?

You’re so young!! Go on holidays enjoy life and park the decision for at least 2 years. And then examine it again.
Only have children if you want to. They’re not for everyone. A huge sacrifice and change in lifestyle.
But did you ever take someone you loved to somewhere amazing just to see their reaction? It’s the same feeling as being with a toddler who sees a butterfly or a good rainbow. Everything is new and exciting to them. For me it’s the same feeling as traveling to amazing places. Google babies feeling grass for the first time, literally everything is new and some of that rubs off on you too. So although from the outside it can look tedious ( and it often is) there is simple pleasures too.

Btw OP we have more holidays now with children than without! We feel the need for getting away and relaxing far more, and having quality family time. We eat out all the time too, as a family. Our financial
Position was much worse at 29 though. We waited until we had more income

To say that a child may need 24/7 care is a bit like saying that when you choose a partner you need to be aware that he may have an serious injury and may need to be cared for for the rest of his life. I have a relative to who this happened. Did she choose him, knowing what she was in for?? we none of us know what we take on when we make commitments. Nothing is guaranteed. Our houses could burn down, we could die in a road accident when we drive or be run over on the way to the shops, that doesn't stop us making commitments of all kinds which are incompatible with unforseen traumas.

Ludicrous. Giving children the best is not measured in this kind of materialistic nonsense but in care and attention. I'm not sure you would have made a great parent with this attitude!

How is wanting my children to have a decent education materialistic?
I am in the UK and it is not possible to have a decent education unless you can afford private school or can afford to live near a good state school.

If I were in a different country it might be different.

It's fine not to want children and without them you will have more time, freedom and money.
I didn't want children. I had a good income, great holidays, sports car - an enviable life. Then I got pregnant. Not planned and to someone who bailed as soon as I told him the news.
Life is very different now. No more expensive holidays or sports car. I got an allotment instead.
After several tough years as a lone parent I met someone so I now have a partner and 2 children. I love them. They're the centre of my universe... but do I miss the lifestyle I could have had? Yes I do.

After all it is a lifestyle choice and there are not so many other people making that same choice, after a certain age

Depends on your circle of friends to some degree but it's really not that unusual. Amongst my wider circle of friends it's probably 50:50. I think the stats say 40% of degree educated women remain childfree.

We still spend money and go on trips - we just spend most of the money on the kids and go places that they enjoy. Before I had children I'd have wanted to spend my money on me. I never anticipated how much I'd enjoy giving things to my DC and taking them out. And in some ways it's actually more enjoyable with kids because you can buy (and play with) toys that you'd never buy just for yourself, and go places you wouldn't go if you didn't have kids.

I do feel that having kids enriches my life. However, as another poster pointed out, your child could have a variety of disabilities or problems that require extensive care. Personally I felt that having a child was like a game of high stakes roulette where I could win big or lose it all. My life could be massively enriched or totally destroyed and I worried about it all the time I was pregnant.

The thing is as time goes on you'll go on lovely holidays and nights out and you will keep meeting people who have children or have had them. At which point you may feel isolated in the choice you have made. After all it is a lifestyle choice and there are not so many other people making that same choice, after a certain age.

“Because I don’t want to be left out” is a rotten reason to have children.

Yanbu at all, you are being very responsible

The world would be a better place if people thought about this stuff with the same honesty and insight as you’re doing tbh. And you have tons of time left to change your mind anyway! I have a friend who has been with her dh since they were teenagers. Both were adamant they didn’t want dc, spent their time and their money partying and shagging and travelling and living high on the hog. They eventually changed their minds after nearly 20 years together, and they have two dc now.

I have others friends who’ve never wanted dc and are adamant they won’t change their minds.

It’s your life, live it how you want

@natasha2 - you’re so right. Because you think something, that’s a fact for everyone in the entire universe. The rest of us are foolish eejits who neither know our own minds nor have any idea about what’s important.

We have 3 young kids and I love them like crazy but I can totally appreciate why some people choose not to have kids!! You would have so much more freedom and money (and sleep!!!) if you don't have kids. It sounds like a great life. If I were you I would live it up and travel and enjoy life for the next few years and then make a decision when you are 35. (Sorry not sure how old you are).

How does your partner feel?

I agree with others, at 29 you’ve got loads of time yet, give it st lest another 2 years before you give it another thought. I had my DD at 37.

Children are very expensive. And even if you can still afford holidays, they're not that fun with children. I would do some more research for a couple of years. You have at least 6 more years or so to make up your mind.

When I got pregnant, I was over the moon, dh not so much. I’d been told I wouldn’t have dc, in reality I think that suited him quite well.
We had lovely holidays, went out got dinner, spent money freely and generally had quite a lovely life, Then, ds came along, we moved to a nicer area, into a house rather than a flat. Our jobs changed and so did our income. We haven’t had a holiday for almost 10 years.
I really really miss holidays.
I really really love ds. The window of opportunity for holidays is pretty non existent, having children not quite the same in my case but one in a teeny chance.
Dh is s good dad which I’m thankful for as I wasn’t sure. I do my best.

Kids aren't 'so wonderful life is better in every way and worth the sacrifices'. They are hard work and can be utter shits. You may be able to keep that lifestyle with the one.
If you are questioning whether to have a baby because you may not want to sacrifice what you have then I think that is sensible. I have a friend with no children and her life has been bloody amazing, travel, partners, nice home and car. Loads of friends, social life. I alternatively look a mess, have no nice clothes, you get it.
Given the choice again I'm not sure I'd have any. There, I said it.
Enjoy the life you have while you can because a lot of things cannot happen once you have kids, on a purely practical and financial level.

However, I stand by by belief that many women only have children because they are lonely and/or their relationship is failing and they are hoping against hope that having children will keep them together

Personally, I find it odd that anyone would base their entire life's happiness on a relationship with one other person, however wonderful they might be. Children can enrich and add to your life in immeasurable ways.

How is wanting my children to have a decent education materialistic?
I am in the UK and it is not possible to have a decent education unless you can afford private school or can afford to live near a good state school.*

Private school is a massive waste of money. If your kid is well supported at home they will do just fine in a state school. 'Because I can't afford to spank 20k a year on private school fees' is the shittest reason I have heard for not having children.

Private school doesn't give a better education necessarily. It gives more opportunities and self belief which naturally evolve into an expectation of higher things for yourself which state school doesn't give.
If I could afford it I'd go private.

I am in my mid thirties and both my parents are dead. Dad died when I was young. If Mum hadn’t had children, she would have died of cancer alone and missed out on the huge amount of joy and company her children and grandchildren gave her day to day (and, yes, we did go on plenty of holidays together!)

I spent the first part of my thirties going hmmmm and then it was like a switch went, and I thought ‘it will be ok’. I had my son 5 months ago, I’m 37.

I don’t know if I’m alone in this but one thing I’ve noticed is that I can’t really remember what it was like before we had him? I mean it’s simultaneously the most demanding and some of the most boring experiences I’ve had in my life. But I can’t seem to conceive of a time when he wasn’t here! I don’t miss boozy nights out, we didn’t really do nice holidays. I miss not being quite so tethered but that will change. My experience is that the hormones plus lack of sleep do a bit of a helpful Stockholm number on you. Don’t let worries about what you’ll miss out you off, you may well find you don’t have the brain space to miss it anyway ;)

I could have written this post. I’m now 9 months pregnant. Not sure if this was s good idea or not. All I can say is that what made me just go for it was that I just got bored of my life the way it was. There only so many nice dinners you can go fir or nice holidays befottgryvall merge into one. I just wanted something more? Does that sound silly?

Anyway, only time will tell if this was a good idea or not but I’ve not once regretted getting pregnant and I’ve lost most of th fears I had before. You get used to a more frugal life through pregnancy so it’s good practice.

Just go with your gut.

I felt a bit like you do we had a nice social life, lovely meals out, lie in’s on a weekend and I lived for our holidays and weekends away.
We embarked on trying for children part of me really wanted them the other part wasn’t sure but I was 35 so felt I couldn’t hang around. I also worried about coping with the pain of labour and whether I was too selfish and whether I could be a good mum. We struggled getting pregnant at all then I had two miscarriages all of that made me sway more to having them (because I thought we couldn’t). I had two children late in life they are both early teenagers now and I love them both to pieces. Yes, they have been very hard work at times and our lives have changed immeasurably but they have also brought us immense joy and I wouldn’t be without them for the world.
Take your time it’s not something you can compromise on. It is hard work and you can’t go back on it. I once said to someone they are at times almost simultaneously the best and worst things in your life.

Natasha the desire to maintain a good relationship with DH and the desire to have children were parallel goals really. Once I hit my late twenties I wanted a child. Not to cement my relationship as I knew it would strain the relationship with DH. I was realistic, my parents were very unhappy but it was never blamed on us because I always felt that for my parents having children were the only thing my folks didn't regret! I knew I wanted children DH needed persuading but after the first we had two more fairly quickly, no regrets and we are heading towards 20 years together.

I felt we were strong enough and practical enough to manage the strains of kids, holidays are not massively important, we have had the same car for 14 years, our house is large but tatty in places. We love the kids and each other.

Having kids is not essential, there are plenty to go around, far too many unwanted and neglected. There are loads of positive things you can do with your life if you don't have children. Do what is right for you op, everything else and everyone else's opinion is just noise.

Remember to factor in that you can expect to be far poorer after Brexit. And it will be a worse environment for children to grow up in.

If you decide to have them you will look at at this post one day and laugh . I love holidays but I'd rather spend a week in the garden with my 2 young boys than a week in a luxury 5 star hotel in a hot country any day. If you want kids then losing holidays is the least of your worries. We aren't rich but we haven't stopped going on holiday. We save more as we eat out less and go to to the cinema less now etc. We spend weekends in the park rather than shopping for crap we don't need.

What you do lose though is being worry free. I took for granted the feeling of just having myself to look after. Now my heart lives outside my body I am more nervous of going to airports or to places where they might get bitten to death by mosquitos 😂 I've been abroad twice with mine and they loved it. When you have children I find what gives you enjoyment changes. Yes if love to sit on a deckchair reading a book in peace but I'd genuinely far rather help my son line up 50 billion animals around the makeshift paddling pool in the garden now and listen to his incessant rambling.

Is a big decision and it's good you're taking it seriously but if you want kids then ido say go for it.. you don't want be 45 sat on the beach yet again regretting not having kids. Get your full. Of holidays now then go on holiday again when your finances recover a bit or when you retire 😂