To not have children because of money & holidays

[tutufruiti]

We are not poor but not rich either, somewhere in the middle. We are comfortable and can afford holidays and days out if we're not too extravagant on other things.
I want a baby but don't know if I can give up having holidays and going out on trips and enjoying life. We would be able to afford a child but would have to give up holidays and for me it's the best time of the year! I've also started to see how difficult and stressful my friends find it having kids and it's putting me off!
Would I be silly to not try, when it has always been my dream to have them? It had always been in my plan I suppose because it seems
to be what people do and I hadn't questioned otherwise. But now I'm starting to wonder if it is worth it?

A few people have asked how old I am. I am 29 so I have some time to decide but not too long. It's such a difficult decision to make and either way I could end up regretting it.

I always thought I would be a mother, but the older I got, the more I realised how much I would have to sacrifice.

I would want the best for my children which, for me, would mean private schools or buying a house near a good school, which would cost a fortune.

I am on a slightly above average income, so I would have really struggled to be able to do either of these.

I am now 52 and don't regret my decision at all. I will be able to retire much sooner than if I had had children. I am able to do everything I want to do.

The relationship with my husband is excellent because we don't have the stress of children.

I know I will be flamed for this, but I cannot understand why any woman who is in a truely happy relationship with their parter would even consider having children. What are they missing in their relationship?

I think many women only have children because they are lonely and/or their relationship is failing and they are hoping against hope that having children will keep them together.

YANBU not to have children if you don't want them. Nothing wrong with that at all. Without children you will likely have more time, money and freedom.

However, whatever decision you make will have lifelong repercussions. You may find, for instance, that most of your friends go on to have families and that without children yourselves you become less close to them. Without children, you will also never have grandchildren, and you may end up with relatively few blood relations once you reach old age.

I think many women only have children because they are lonely and/or their relationship is failing and they are hoping against hope that having children will keep them together.

Utter bollocks! Some women (young mainly) may do this but very few I imagine and those that do are vulnerable. I would actually say that women are conditioned by society into believing that kids are the goal - of course it is in the interest of society to do this and it is completely subconscious from all sides.

Is there any reason why you think your financial position wouldn’t change? Seems a bit extreme to expect that life will be the same for the next 18 years

natasha2 I feel quite the opposite really... I wouldn’t even consider having a child unless I was truly happy with my partner. I wouldn’t plan to bring a child into anything other than a happy and loving partnership.

I would actually say that women are conditioned by society into believing that kids are the goal - of course it is in the interest of society to do this and it is completely subconscious from all sides.

I absolutely agree with this. Most (like me at one time) just have children because it is just the done thing.

However, I stand by by belief that many women only have children because they are lonely and/or their relationship is failing and they are hoping against hope that having children will keep them together.

Natasha2 I wanted to have DC with my DH because I loved him and I wanted the experience of co-parenting with him. I wanted DC that were part him and part me. I wanted the experience of being a mother and much as I love DH I really didn't want to mother him! The reality is less romantic than the dream and DC are actually wholly themselves not a parental mixture but parenting together has given an extra depth to our relationship. That said OP it is hard work, relentless and often boring at the start in particular, only do it if you feel a strong pull towards it.

I had DC late and my body has never really recovered, and we now have rare meals out and one basic holiday a year. I consider myself a fairly selfish person but I have never regretted having them.

For me it has been utterly life changing and wonderful. But everyone has to decide for themselves, there is no right answer.

I wasn't ready at 29 either, for very similar reasons our financial position is better now than it was then (34 now) and expecting our first. May well stick at one, no pressure will see how we feel as it goes on. We do have the benefit of good family support with childcare. DH was an only child so he's fine either way. It's not a decision you need to make now, I have diagnosed fertility issues and fell pregnant five weeks after coming off the pill

No holiday or day out could even BEGIN to compare with even an hour of watching tv with my kids, or chatting to my little one on the school run, or reading them a story.
I can't even consider putting those things on a par with or even above, being a mother.

It's fine not to want children, and not to have children. The world is overpopulated as it is, and there are some pretty good ethical/philosophical arguments for not having them. (Basically, it could be considered more selfish to have children than to remain childfree - for all the guff about how childfree people are 'selfish'.)

If you have one or more passions in your life already (art, travel, your work, a cause) that take up a lot of your time and which you would hate to have to cut down on, then it's probably better not to have children.

There's also the fact that most of the simpering 'Oh but parenthood is so wonderful and the best thing you will ever do' stuff is based on the idea that you will have a child who is NT and able-bodied. You might not. You might have a child who needs 24/7 care and will need that much care for the rest of their life.

Gillian1980 I feel quite the opposite really... I wouldn’t even consider having a child unless I was truly happy with my partner. I wouldn’t plan to bring a child into anything other than a happy and loving partnership.

Yes, that is a very good point. But if you were truly happy with your parter and your life, why would you want to change it by having children?

@Natasha2 that's such a trolley thing to post on a parenting forum, many women only have children because they are lonely and/or their relationship is failing really? what a goady thing indeed.

There's also the fact that most of the simpering 'Oh but parenthood is so wonderful and the best thing you will ever do' stuff is based on the idea that you will have a child who is NT and able-bodied. You might not. You might have a child who needs 24/7 care and will need that much care for the rest of their life.

Exactly this.

The thing is as time goes on you'll go on lovely holidays and nights out and you will keep meeting people who have children or have had them. At which point you may feel isolated in the choice you have made. After all it is a lifestyle choice and there are not so many other people making that same choice, after a certain age.

At 29, it feels perfectly normal not to have children, as most of your friends will be childfree, and the ones who aren't will be reminding you how exhausted and harrassed and skint they are.

But their children will grow, other fun activities will replace those pleasures which they are not able to afford, be it just socialising with other parents (boring though that may sound)

Children don't need fancy holidays or private schools, or houses in nice areas. They just need their parents to enjoy their company. what was your experience of life with your parents...that may be informing your decision?

there is still time however, my kids were born when I was 35 and 37 respectively. I have 3. I don't really like holidays abroad though. I did like them once though. My ideas of fun have changed a lot.

I think everyone has the same shall I, shan't I back and forth.
As you are 29 maybe give yourself another year and look at families you know. Ask good friends what they perhaps find easy and difficult about having a child and think could I live with those effects in my life.

I was broody and I knew I wanted a child as opposed to a baby. Meaning I knew I wanted the whole package not just want the baby stage. I still manage to feel like me, not just a mum or a wife, I am all three. There are some compromises, I genuinely think 'must be sensible parent right now and take my child to bed', when we're late at a friends party, things like that.
Or like past weekend Dd 4 stayed with grandparents, who she adores, whilst we stayed at a hotel, went to a gig with friends plus Bbq next day. Win-Win in my books.

Yes it helps we have just the one to still do lots of what we used to, so definitely echo other pp who say, just one to maintain easier lifestyle. I don't think there's anything wrong wanting to keep certain things the way they are, often tied into our identity to. Especially the way motherhood can be depicted as the be all and end all. We can worry we'll loose our lifestyle and identity.

'but I cannot understand why any woman who is in a truely happy relationship with their parter would even consider having children. What are they missing in their relationship?'

You don't have children to make up for something lacking in the relationship with your partner the relationship you have with your children and the one you have with your husband are entirely different. They give you different things. Your point is like saying 'why do single mothers want a partner? What are they missing in their relationship with their children?'

Hey OP, i have 1, we rarely eat out etc but we save up and holiday at least twice a year abroad, one longhaul. Not rich, comfortable, we’d rather save for holidays than go out more regularly for dinner etc. We’ll probably stick with 1 for your reasons, always thought i’d have 3 or 4, but actually i’m content as we are, it works.
All the best OP. Holidays aren’t the same with a child, but seeing their amazement at new sights is wonderful

if you were truly happy with your parter and your life, why would you want to change it by having children?

People do all sorts of things to enjoy and enrich their lives - the 'doing' of those things doesn't mean you were unhappy to start with.

I would want the best for my children which, for me, would mean private schools or buying a house near a good school, which would cost a fortune.

Ludicrous. Giving children the best is not measured in this kind of materialistic nonsense but in care and attention. I'm not sure you would have made a great parent with this attitude!

However, I stand by by belief that many women only have children because they are lonely and/or their relationship is failing and they are hoping against hope that having children will keep them together.

This is so sad, just not to get the concept of a living family

Depends what level of holidays your used to. If it's expensive foreign all inclusives and skiing holidays - yeah, you'll pay more with kids in tow, a lot more. But a lovely cottage or a caravan in a great location doesn't cost any more. Sorry but I think memories are made from special moments with your loved ones....the price tag so to speak is less important. I will always remember my daughter's chubby toddler legs on the beach at West Wittering!

Children don't need private schools, or houses in nice areas. They just need their parents to enjoy their company. what was your experience of life with your parents...that may be informing your decision?

Yes they do!!!

But if you were truly happy with your parter and your life, why would you want to change it by having children?

Because it was something we wanted to do together. And change doesn't have to be better or worse, it can just be different.

I think it's a bit presumptuous on your part to assume why other women chose differently than you did on this. I don't understand why people want to go mountain climbing but I don't assume it's because they're unhappy about something.

'the simpering 'Oh but parenthood is so wonderful and the best thing you will ever do' stuff is based on the idea that you will have a child who is NT and able-bodied. You might not.'

I have a child with a disability. It is wonderful and it is the best thing I have ever done. It's not always easy, but being a parent isn't the easy option even with an able bodied child.