To not have children because of money & holidays

[tutufruiti]

We are not poor but not rich either, somewhere in the middle. We are comfortable and can afford holidays and days out if we're not too extravagant on other things.
I want a baby but don't know if I can give up having holidays and going out on trips and enjoying life. We would be able to afford a child but would have to give up holidays and for me it's the best time of the year! I've also started to see how difficult and stressful my friends find it having kids and it's putting me off!
Would I be silly to not try, when it has always been my dream to have them? It had always been in my plan I suppose because it seems
to be what people do and I hadn't questioned otherwise. But now I'm starting to wonder if it is worth it?

shopping for crap we don't need.
You might not need it, but doesn't mean the pleasure isn't there. I don't get to shop for crap I don't need but mothers are taught that they don't need anything except what makes them a mother.
Don't downplay how much of yourself and the things that you enjoy will be lost once you have a baby.
Don't kid yourself that you will automatically be more 'fulfilled' so it wont matter.

You are only 29. I have always wanted kids in that I can’t see myself in my 50s or 60s without children. But at 29 I preferred holidays, leisurely weekends, going to musicals, etc. I loved my child free life and didn’t feel ready to have kids. I had mine at 35 and 39.

I think you should sit on this and not decide yet. You may feel ready in 2 or 5 years time.

Good thing about having it older is also you can afford more as you should be in a better position financially. We were mortgage free when I went on my first maternity and only moved to a bigger house after our second was born. We can afford foreign holidays every year. The holidays are different but we managed to combine what we like to do with some kids activities. The thing I missed most is the leisurely weekends of doing whatever I want. The weekends now revolve around the children as we both work full time. And we take all our annual leave to cover school holidays. So I don’t feel there is any downtime.

I agree with the " just have one" comments. Very easy to manage and affordable. No extra family rooms etc required for holidays.

I'm a single parent and my son has been all over Europe and further afield countless times because holidays are very important to me.
I have also left him with friends and family members and gone with friends.
I have also brought his friends on some.

Parenthood is what you make it. It really doesn't last long before they are up and out and you are middle aged but free again. Do it all I say.

I don't think you should if you have any doubts. Even when you desperately want them it's easy to have some regret.

IMHO unless you really have that urge to have children, you should not have them.

This, exactly.

TBH the only reason I don't regret having DC is because I had such a strong urge to have them - so I know I would have been miserable without. If I'd not had that urge and been perfectly happy without, but had them because "it's what people do" or similar then I'd be kicking myself big time now.

I love my DC very much, they are often adorable and wonderful but the life I have lost was a million times easier and more enjoyable in every other way than the one I have now.

And to whoever said an hour of TV with their child or chatting on the school run beats a nice dinner out or pre DC holiday - well you're clearly a much better mother than me, as to me it's easily the other way round.

My sil had similar arguments to you for not having kids.
“We have a lovely life, we can afford holidays, good restaurants. DH works away I couldn’t fly to meet him with children in school etc etc. “
Now she is 52 and divorced, when she has had a few she cries and wishes she had children.
I’m not saying that will happen to you op but the desire to reproduce is a really deep instinctive thing. Be very sure you can live with a decision to be without children and be happy with it.
As for the holidays n stuff you just have different holidays! I never thought I would love camping in France as much as I did. You see the sea through the eyes of your child. You watch them loving the taste of ice- cream. Your own flesh and blood reminds you of your own early life.

There's also the fact that most of the simpering 'Oh but parenthood is so wonderful and the best thing you will ever do' stuff is based on the idea that you will have a child who is NT and able-bodied. You might not. You might have a child who needs 24/7 care and will need that much care for the rest of their life.
I'll concede I can't comment on the 24/7 for life, but there was a point when I thought that would be our life. However even in the midst of 18 months in hospital, all the operations, all the fear, and even now all the uncertainty on what his life will be, I wouldn't have wanted to undo it.

I never had the 'shall I/shan't I?' fretting, to be fair. I thought I didn't really want to have DC (and most of my longstanding friends are still childfree - only about 35-40% of people I have known since before DS was born have DC of their own.)
I got unexpectedly PG when I was 39, and decided to go for it. DS' dad was not my partner (we were old drinking buddies who got careless one night) but has been a good and very involved and hands-on dad pretty much from the beginning. DS is 13. Financially I am fucked but we still manage to have fun. I don't know if I would ever have chosen to do it, but I am glad I have him. Even when he is being an absolute little sod.

You can still go on nice holidays and days out with children. Your priorities will change, and maybe your holidays will be less glamouress for a while. However, having children will open your life in a whole new way, and you will discover new delights.

I was a bit like this and ended up with 3.
None were planned but tbh after ds1 we just sort of went with the flow, it worked for us.
I was never having any and dh was dead against too, we found out pg with ds1 at 20+ weeks.
I ended up a sahm for 25 ish years, because it was what we wanted and worked for us.
I certainly believed you shouldn't have them if you don't want them.
I was obviously wrong as wouldn't change a thing

You don't need a reason to not want to have kids.

But I would say think seriously, it gets a lot harder as you get older. At 29 you are still young enough to allow yourself some thinking time. But I would make a positive choice for kids or not, rather than just waiting to see what happens.

What does your dh/dp want?

(for the record I wanted kids at 17 but eventually became a mum at 39 - but please do not leave it that late!)

In your shoes I would work hard, get some training and aim for a promotion. Then with a bit more cash under you belt I would reconsider. You may find that more money and more holidays and you discover you do want kids.

They are bloody hard work, and it's your call.

But I've always worked part time with the kids because we knew if I did not work and stayed at home as a stay at home mum, we would not be able to afford holidays and for me that was a big deal.

There only so many nice dinners you can go fir or nice holidays befottgryvall merge into one. I just wanted something more? Does that sound silly?

It doesn't sound silly. Just that your idea of 'more' is not everyone's. My idea of 'more' has nothing to do with reproducing.

OP. how do you feel about turning 30?

I ask because my DD went through a load of angst over whether she wanted children or not.

She loves her job and what she has achieved. She couldn't do what she does, if she had children.

She likes holidays/festivals and being able to get tan/nails/makeup done whenever she wants it.

She is now nearly 33 and has decided that she doesn't want children. She has her Niece, my Granddaughter, one weekend night and she says that, that's enough for her.

You still have plenty of time to work it all out. There is nothing wrong with not having children, you shouldn't have them just cause society says you should. I think you will know if you want them and you should follow your gut instinct.
On another note natasha your comments about lonely women and relationships are just plain rude. Me and my dh have a very good relationship, one of which is different to the relationship I have with my child, it's not either/or you know you can have both. You have every right to make decisions on children based on your own opinions but it does strike me that you want to put other women's decisions down because they haven't devoted their life solely to their dh like you have.

Mila I fully agree with what you are saying too. So much is lost and I agree wholeheartedly with your comment. I'd still choose having themy over that life though bit is lots to miss but a lot to be gained etc etc

If I had a snapshot of my life now to see while pre kids then I think yes there might be a bit of hesitation as it is very challenging and sometimes I do think wtf have I done 😂

Don't have children unless you want to.

On the other hand there is nothing like the love you have for a child. It transcends all previous capabilities of emotion.
I think its a shame not to experience such an intensity of love.

Still, some people prefer holidays.

Its up to you and your partner really. You don't have to have children.
Some people are happy to remain childless.
Are you one of them?

There's your answer

We wanted children.

And though we couldnt afford it ( if we’d done the sums )

We had 2 lovely children

We managed to have some lovely holidays and weekends away

We managed to put 2 children through school trips , and bought uniform

We managed to fund 2 children through uni ( the bank of Mum and Dad is now well and truly dry )

Once you have a baby , everything really does change in your mind , and different things become more ( or less ) important

Added to above 😀^^
I had my first at 34 and second at 36 , and had a lovely life before Dc , ad a lovely life with them too

I think it’s the wrong approach to bring another person into the world just so you personally can ‘experience’ a depth of emotion. I’m ok to live without that feeling, and I have a very fulfilling life in other ways.

*On the other hand there is nothing like the love you have for a child. It transcends all previous capabilities of emotion.
I think its a shame not to experience such an intensity of love.

Still, some people prefer holidays.*

Kind of a patronising response. It's not just about holidays. It's about all the many things we can enjoy in life unemcumbered by children. Oh and some of us simply don't want all that "intensity" in our lives.

Having children or not having children are both valid choices. At some point you may want to make an active choice one way or another. I would be aware of the risk of drifting into being child free by constantly putting off the decision but you still have time.

Having DC was the right thing for DH and I but that doesn’t make it the right thing for you.

If the thought of not having a child doesn't make you tearful and despairing then don't bother. Have an exciting life and take your many nieces nephews and godchildren on holiday.

Also a child free life doesn’t just have to be expensive dinners and beach holidays. At various points in my life I’ve done charity work, triathlons, extreme sports, djing, and I have a lot of time to devote to my nephews, god children and now elderly mother who I see a lot more of than I would if I had children.

I hate the insinuation that “you only realise what’s important when you become a mother”, it’s not true, it’s just as pp says, what’s important to you changes.

No one can tell you whether to have children or not - it's a personal decision. For me I could never have been happy without them. I found holidays, meals, fashion fun, but ultimately repetitive and pointless. For me my children provide my life purpose and fulfillment. My dh feels the same.

But at the same time I understand not having children if it's not your thing. I find it hard to put myself in the shoes of people who don't want children. I'm sure they feel how they do genuinely, I just can't imagine feeling that way. Only you can know how you feel yourself.

On the other hand there is nothing like the love you have for a child. It transcends all previous capabilities of emotion.
I think its a shame not to experience such an intensity of love.

This is romantic hyperbole.
Some people would argue that having a child means that the intensive love of their relationship has been lost.

Yes you love a baby but if you don't really want children there is nothing more sobering than months of sleepless nights.