To not have children because of money & holidays

[tutufruiti]

We are not poor but not rich either, somewhere in the middle. We are comfortable and can afford holidays and days out if we're not too extravagant on other things.
I want a baby but don't know if I can give up having holidays and going out on trips and enjoying life. We would be able to afford a child but would have to give up holidays and for me it's the best time of the year! I've also started to see how difficult and stressful my friends find it having kids and it's putting me off!
Would I be silly to not try, when it has always been my dream to have them? It had always been in my plan I suppose because it seems
to be what people do and I hadn't questioned otherwise. But now I'm starting to wonder if it is worth it?

racecardriver

YANBU. They're bloody expensive. We've calculated that when they in their teens well be spending about 85k a year. A year!

I am sorry but that is nonsense unless you are sending them to private schools which is not necessary and on very expensive school trips. Very few of us earn £85k a year let alone affording that just to raise kids unless you are counting costs you would have anyway like a mortgage and food. Kids need time, love and attention. They need to be fed, clothed, kept warm and played with. You can raise them without spending a fortune. The most expensive cost is childcare in the early years or loss of income if you go part time or be a SAHM.

I just always assumed that I would have children but I never actually considered whether I wanted them. After I got married I got really broody and I was desperate to become a mum (the feeling just came out of nowhere), DH was well on board so we had a baby. I decided to have a second child because my DH really wanted another and also because I wanted my DD to have a sibling. Tbh though I didn't really want to have another baby I just did because I thought I should.
Now I look back I was probably depressed during that pregnancy and I think I must have had pnd after having DS. I just didn't want another baby and regretted it from the moment I took the pregnancy test.
Fast forward and now I love both my dc with all my heart. I don't think that I am particularly maternal but I try to do the best job that I can of being a mum for my dc. But I would definitely advise anyone else not to have children unless they are 100% sure! You have plenty of time to decide. Enjoy your child free life for a while longer.
And one child is actually pretty easy after the initial shock to the system that having a baby brings, the baby/toddler stage doesn't last long. But two or more is where it gets tricky.

I agree, @Natasha2 with I would want the best for my children which, for me, would mean private schools or buying a house near a good school, which would cost a fortune. - and now that I have children, I wish so badly that we had more money to give them the best childhood. Rather than private school though, we have decided to home educate our two - so no fees to pay but of course requires one parent to stay at home = significant loss of income. We are doing okay but I wish I could do better for them - better holidays, a better house. Still, they are luckier kids than many, and happy enough. I do still beat myself up that I am not doing more for them and can't give them a better house.

To answer the OP. Money and holidays are wonderful - get your fill now while you are young and have no ties. I did. I had my first child mid-thirties - wasn't that I deliberately delayed, just hadn't met the right man. They are my world, and I am happier than I have ever been. BUT, pre-meeting DH, even though I had always wanted kids, I felt life would have been happy enough without them too - I would have travelled more, is all, and had a tidier home! I think the big reason I want to travel more NOW though is to show my kids the world - as much travel for them as for me.

You are only 29, and I am glad I did not have my kids til later, but you do run the risk of decreased fertility so it's up to you whether you chance it. I knew if I couldn't have had them, I would not have done the IVF route or adoption, and I'd have been happy enough. But now that they are here, I am glad that they are!

If I could have my time again I’d have still had a child but just the one. You can still do so much and give them all they need and aside from the first year, your life won’t be so different.

Like pp said, two or more and it’s game over.

Choosing to be childfree is completely reasonable. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

Your reasons are valid, too. Holidays, work, health, pets, housing, finances, or even simply not wanting them--they are all just as valid as any reason for wanting to be a parent. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

Being childfree is no more or less selfish than having children. In fact, if you ask someone why they wanted/had children, the response almost always starts with "I wanted" or "We wanted." There is nothing selfish about knowing what you want and sticking to it, or keeping the earth a little bit more green, or whatever your "selfish" motivation is. And do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

29 weeks pregnant and miserable! I was the same as you always thought I’d get pregnant some day maybe around 35. I’m 30 and clearly messed up my pill over the Christmas party period. DP felt it was meant to be and a happy accident, I’ve only just kind of accepted it is happening and a baby will arrive soon. I’m too selfish for this and too be honest it’s the worst feeling in the world, I would give anything to wake up and look forward to having this baby even just for an hour. But I can’t because it’s the wrong decision for me, I know I will love- this baby when it comes but really do feel like I will resent it for the damage it’s done to career, lifestyle ect.
Think carefully and double up on contraception!

Definitely not compulsory to have children, but what is compulsory is to realise when you do have children that your life will never be the same again.

I was older than you when I had my dd and felt that I had had plenty of childfree years to do whatever I wanted and if I hadn't done some things it was probably because I hadn't been that interested.

Hi Op - I’m same age as you, I’ll be 30 in a few months. Im currently mum to one DD with DD2 ready to join us any day.

I’m fortunate in that I’ve always known I wanted kids, didn’t know how many but I knew I wanted to be a mum. My DH has always known he wanted to be a dad as well. I’d sit down with your DP/DH and discuss this intensely with him as it’s a massive change in both of your lives. My DH is great in that we tend to do the majority of things 50/50 so I don’t feel like I’m parenting alone.

We still go on holidays, you can hire babysitters if you want a meal in peace, we still do fun things together on our own. I do think in a relationship it’s important to focus on you and your partner as well, try not to fall down the rabbit hole of just being someone’s mum.

A lot of people talk about the decision to have kids in that format of "it ruined my waistline, my career and my sleep but I wouldn't be without them" but - just my perspective - this is true for me, but it's not that the pleasure of having kids makes up for all I lost in having them - it definitely doesn't - but now they are here, they are people themselves, and what am I going to do? Wish they were never born? They're lovely people, they deserve a decent, happy upbringing and I see that as my main goal in life and I take pride in making sure they're OK. But it's not fun, a lot of the time. I sometimes think it might feel the way soldiers feel who go to e.g. Afghanistan and then they want to sign up for the next tour, not because they love getting shot at, but because they want to go back and help their friends, it's much more pressing than anything that's going on at home. I guess I'm saying I might be trauma bonded to my kids

Anyway I couldn't in good conscience recommend to young me.thst I have children - the cost/benefit doesn't add up and that sort of profound X factor that people talk about never really delivered for me, just a profound sense of the burden of responsibility for them.

The holidays are shit too

we have 3 our gross income is 37k
Two are adopted witch means we had to have a income check by ss and guess what they thought we could afford the two extra

Children cost as much as you want them to

I have a mate who is married to a vicar
She has 3 kids vicars warm 24k

DD now 17 has just said "meh. Fair enough ....worlds overpopulated anyway, why encourage someone who can't be bothered"
It's a very fair point. Enjoy your hols but accept the risks and potential regrets later on if you chance your mind and struggle to conceive.

You don't really know your dh until you have had children with him.
I don't agree with this at all.

Me neither. You may as well say “you don’t really know your DH until you’ve been on holiday with him/been marooned on a desert island with him/been into space with him/been married to him for 50 years”.

You don’t know what he would have been like had you not been able to have children or done any number of things.

Having a child is not something to be done half-heartedly or an achievement to be crossed off. You do not have to have them. Being child free can mean a rich and rewarding life in so many other ways.

I "just knew" I wanted multiple kids. There simply wasn't another option for me (and fortunately I was able to have roughly how many DC I want at roughly the right time.) I don't mean I was just doggedly following the uni-marriage-babies path. I actively wanted children. It's still exhausting and frustrating. I'm not carefree any more and there's very little hedonistic fun-for-fun's sake.

You can decide not to have children for absolutely any reason you want and it would be perfectly valid no matter how trivial. I have a lot of respect for women who make that choice. So many people have children because it is expected of them.

Do the maths.

Calculate the cost of a holiday you’d want for 3/4.

Calculate the cost of childcare.

Go to entitled to and work out what you’d get in child benefit and tax credits.

Work out how much you have left over.

What about dp, how does he feel?

I know lots of people that don't have children and generally they seem to go on more holidays, go out more, are closer to their partners and have done better in their careers than the people I know without. I'm not talking about youngsters who might still decide otherwise.
being child free is a perfectly valid decision.
I often wonder how much more I could have achieved and enjoyed if I'd been unrestrained by family, although I do of course love my children

Amylou - are you okay? Have you spoken to anyone about your feelings? Depression in pregnancy is actually quite common, although not everyone recognises it (my sister suffered from it).

Hoping everything turns out okay for,you

Agree with formerbabe

Don't have kids just because it's the done thing or people expect it. Do it if you really want to be a parent, with all the sacrifice it comes with. If you would really resent a change in lifestyle that much then don't. I think more people should honestly don't down and think if they do really want to become a parent rather than just doing it. It's ok to not have any!

Having my first child definitely improved my life and I'd never regretted it. I didn't like life very much before to be honest, and then I had a reason to. I've only experienced the 'mourning of old life' with my youngest baby, as there's quite a big age gap so I suppose I got used to a particular lifestyle, then had another child which changed everything! Yeah it's different now but I'm ok with the changes and I know the freedom limiting years don't last forever. It's hard, exhausting, etc but I do enjoy parenting, it's always been who I am and my children bring me a lot of joy and fun, especially as they get older, the baby years are the hard graft!

Just to let you know my dh had all the wealth trappings his father is a silk

He hated his childhood no love just money

We will be sticking at one, partly for financial reasons (partly because I hated pregnancy and giving birth broke my vagina 😭)

I love being a mum - actually a lot more than I thought I would, he genuinely makes my heart burst with love! - but I also enjoy travelling, eating at expensive restaurants, going to the theatre, designer handbags, dressing my baby in lovely clothes, and spending time with my husband and on myself. I would also like to be able to afford a decent pension, fund school / uni etc and all the extra curricular stuff that I experienced as a child. Sounds incredibly selfish written down and id never say it out loud, but if I'm honest with myself that's the truth.

Thankfully, I can blame the broken vagina and no one needs to how shallow I really am...

"But at at 29 I preferred holidays, leisurely weekends, going to musicals, etc. I loved my child free life and didn’t feel ready to have kids. I had mine at 35 and 39".

Same, I also had mine in my late thirties. For me, I just felt ready for another stage of my life and didn't feel I would miss the above. As it turns out, I'm so glad I waited.

However, everyone is different and you may decide you don't want children. There are some really interesting viewpoints on this thread!

I don't miss nights out and getting plastered one bit though. You would adjust. Having DD made me realise there's a lot more to life than a lifestyle IYSWIM?

I always find this attitude fascinating ... that a lifestyle without children means getting plastered at every opportunity.

The reality is child free people grow up just like everyone else and their social activities mature accordingly. It’s more about further learning, creative pursuits, policltical or charitable passions, travel and other interests. I’ve seen this before where people assumechild free people get ‘stuck’ in their 20’s when it really is not the case.

I feel very similar to you OP, although I’m a couple of years older. I love children and always thought I wanted them, but now I’m approaching the time when you ‘should’ have children and i’m assessing my life, I feel as though having children makes zero sense if you look at it logically.

My DH sees it differently - he says ‘it’s just the next step isn’t it.’ But I don’t agree - we have a choice, and the world is overpopulated, and you shouldn’t create another human being just because ‘it’s the next step.’

Also, I think women who are childfree by choice are some of the bravest people going. I think it takes real balls, self-confidence and self-knowledge to make a decision not to do something that’s so completely expected of you by society - particularly with all the admonishments that ‘you’ll regret it!’ or the classic ‘who’s going to look after you when you’re old?’

I wonder if I'm an unnatural mother, but I've never felt this overwhelming need "to give my children the best of everything". I've always felt they're people pretty similar to myself really, probably quite resourceful, will thrive on a few challenges, will find life itself interesting without having to be served everything on a plate. Barring obvious poverty, I'm not sure "the best childhood" is necessarily to do with being able to have anything that money can buy.

_I always find this attitude fascinating ... that a lifestyle without children means getting plastered at every opportunity.
_

Some of the worst people I know for getting plastered are parents. Look at all that mummy needs wine nonsense.