To not have children because of money & holidays

[tutufruiti]

We are not poor but not rich either, somewhere in the middle. We are comfortable and can afford holidays and days out if we're not too extravagant on other things.
I want a baby but don't know if I can give up having holidays and going out on trips and enjoying life. We would be able to afford a child but would have to give up holidays and for me it's the best time of the year! I've also started to see how difficult and stressful my friends find it having kids and it's putting me off!
Would I be silly to not try, when it has always been my dream to have them? It had always been in my plan I suppose because it seems
to be what people do and I hadn't questioned otherwise. But now I'm starting to wonder if it is worth it?

Your op made me really happy. Women are so lucky here to have these choices. Holidays are wonderful. If I were you I'd definitely wait a few years, have loads more holidays. If you do end up wanting kids, you'll know.

I have five children. I've been a mother for almost thirteen years.
I'm past the point of romanticism and not given to hyperbole.

Still my experience is that parenthood strengthens a relationship.

Well perhaps your relationship needed strengthening. Mine has survived infertility. 27 years and counting.

Is it worth it? You’ve said that it is your dream to have children. I think you’ve answered your own question. You may live until you’re in your nineties. You can travel freely again when your children are adults. You only have a small window of opportunity to have children.

And...you can afford luxuries right now. But over the next few decades your income could change and then you’d just be getting by with no holidays, no days out and no children.

I think give it another two or 3 years and revisit it. You aren't in any hurry.

Honestly; your passive aggression doesn't invalidate my happiness.

I think its sad to resort to such tactics but there you go I suppose.

Why assume there's one 100% 'right' decision to be made here - and that if you make the 'wrong' one you'll regret it? I always wanted children and I have two lovely sons. I cannot imagine being without them and at the same time I do really miss the life I had, the life we might have had, without that. If I hadn't been able to have children or it just hadn't happened for some reason, I'd imagine there would be another variety of bittersweet emotion. And this is entirely separate from the fact that one of my lovelies has a lifelong disability which means he will never, ever, ever be independent and that in fact will be my small boy until I die. There's no black and white here, is what I'm saying.

And...you can afford luxuries right now. But over the next few decades your income could change and then you’d just be getting by with no holidays, no days out and no children.

I don't understand the reasoning here. If her income were to take a hit for whatever reason, how would she be better off having children, who are a huge financial drain?

Tbh I don’t think children will ‘make you happy’ and I don’t think money or holidays will ‘make you happy’ either. It’s more complex than that.

If you really really want a child missing out on a few holidays would surely not be such a big deal. I'm 49, never had any inclination to have a child, nor thankfully did DH (obviously discussed this pre-marriage). For me there was no dilemma at all so it was an easy decision. Writing this on a balcony of my hotel in Barbados knowing life would have been different with children to support and still never had a moments regret!

I'm in my mid thirties and spent the last few years pondering over this same question. I was so worried about giving up my freedom,so to speak, as was my long term partner. And I never had any burning desire to have children, never felt broody. Children seemed like a bit of a pain tbh. But then last year it just kind of happened.. Sort of let nature take its course. I'm so glad I did. For sure it's really hard but the joy is unlike anything I ever experience before. And now I just see holidays differently, I'm not so bothered about them in some ways as we have the most lovely days out, weekend trips etc. with our baby (realise it will be harder once back to work). I wouldn't have wanted them any sooner but I think if you feel deep down you want them then it's probably the path you should follow. But no massive rush if you are younger than 30 odd, I'd say.

There's also the fact that most of the simpering 'Oh but parenthood is so wonderful and the best thing you will ever do' stuff is based on the idea that you will have a child who is NT and able-bodied. You might not. You might have a child who needs 24/7 care and will need that much care for the rest of their life.

Also exactly this. ^

I don't understand weighing lifestyle up against having children, I felt like I could do nothing else than have them, lifestyle, job, holidays are just the "frills/necessary events" on the edge of family life. Most people don't feel like me, if I could have imagined any life without children, it would have made sense to do that instead.

It sounds like you might live to regret your decision not to have them.

JacintaJones, unfortunately not everyone feels that way about their children.

"and now elderly mother who I see a lot more of than I would if I had children."

That depends on very personal circumstances. My Mum had helped me out with childcare and my children were close to her. So when she became a wheelchair user, she was taken out as often as she wanted and was never alone, unless she wanted to be. Without my Children, she may not have been able to remain at home.

I was desperately broody but bloody hell...I had no idea how tough it would be! Love her though.

Let's also not forget that some people really shouldn't become parents. Bullies, losers, manipulators, those who are having DC to please some or other imaginary friend - all the people who are unable to see their DC as human beings but regard them as props to the parent's ego, or an inconvenience they didn't realised they could avoid... there are enough threads on here from people who were brought up by absolute cuntpuffins who should never have been left in charge of a child.

We had two daughters and had holidays. Not too many when they were young and not foreign ones but that was more from us not wanting to take young children on a plane, cope with high temperatures. When they got older we tended to alternate between uk one like a cottage on the coast or center Parcs one with a foreign one the following year.

Having kids does take sacrifices but brings many joys too. Parenting is difficult but we certainly found it worthwhile. Now we are enjoying the benefits of being grandparents to two gorgeous girls.

@Racecardriver how did you come to the sum of 85k a year? I have 5 kids 3 are currently in their teens, 2 still living at home and it hasn't cost us anywhere near that much?

I don't think it's 'simpering' to talk about parenthood as wondeful.. Of course it involves major challenges, some very hard times and some emotional turmoil even those who have children who are healthy and can live their lives totally independently once they are older. It's simply true for a lot of people that parenthood brings them great joy - by saying so they are not negating joy that people experience through other things in their lives.

Yes, parenthood can bring great joy. But the simpering bullshit peddled to people who are as yet childfree, or who actually don't want to have children and have been open about it... that is a problem. Particularly as it's often used to negate any achievement a childfree woman has made - 'oh, you wrote a book/had a pop hit/got promoted to senior management? That's nothing to the joy of motherhood, so you'd better get on with it...'

I find it hard to talk about the positives of being a parent without simpering. It’s hard to describe being in love. It sounds contrived somehow. My children are the loves of my life.
It’s easy to talk about the lack of sleep and all the other bad bits, of which there are many.

SGB put it better than I could.

Unless you actually have children, you will not know what you miss. Perhaps ignorance is bliss.

With holidays and childfree holidays, perhaps life is like one long summer. With children, you experience all 4 seasons in technicolour. Experiencing winter makes you appreciate summer more. And you get a rich harvest in autumn.

I speak as someone is was not maternal and is still not particularly maternal.

The earlier years were hard, but now I look forward to coming home to the dcs and asking their day, sharing a joke. I will be sad when they leave home but also grateful for my time back and look forward to their visits. One day they will get married and/or have children. Money was tight, we had to buy a bigger house, holidays were staycations. Now dh and I have advanced in our careers, we have nicer holidays and a big house that is bustling with activity. Every year is different.

You don't really know your dh until you have had children with him. Parenthood puts a lot of stress on a relationship but you appreciate what he is and he is your comrade in arms.

Parenthood is also a voyage of self-discovery. As a single person, you only really scratch the surface.

It is possible to be fulfilled without doing parenthood. You won't miss what you don't know.

You don't really know your dh until you have had children with him.
I don't agree with this at all.

I agree wholeheartedly SGB.
However I haven't seen that particular attitude either propagated nor alluded to throughout this thread.

You can tell a childless person how wonderful your experiences of parenthood are without placing value judgements on their valid choice to remain child free.