Neighbor talking through ajoining bedroom wall to my 4yr old.

[Chocolatelavender]

My 4 yr old dd came out of her bedroom to tell me 'it's 9 o'clock time for bed.' It was 9:15pm. I asked her how she knew it was 9 o'clock. She told me a voice through the wall told her it was 9 o'clock go to bed. Sometimes, dd can't get to sleep and chats to her dolls while lying in bed. Sometimes she gets up multiple times and comes into the lounge room and I have to take her back to bed. Many times she comes into my bedroom and co-sleeps. Lots of children go through stages like this so I'm not worried about that. I am worried that someone I don't really know thinks it's ok to talk to my daughter through her bedroom wall. Aibu to be concerned about this?

Oh God! Well we don't all OWN our homes! We can't all think "Ooh these walls are thin! Must change that!" Or even if we do, we can't all afford better!

I am completely confused by this thread.

Firstly, are we even clear that the DD definitely HAS heard a neighbour say this? Because at aged 4, I had an invisible friend who used to talk to me all the time. Generally, he used to tell me to do naughty things, and I would duly obey and then blame him for the consequences.

Secondly, are we sure that the DD actually heard a neighbour directly tell her to go to sleep, and not simply someone giving the time? I will ask DH what the time is when we're in the garden because I don't wear a watch - I'm sure people could overhear this. Is it not possible she's heard something like this?

Unless I missed something, it seems really paranoid to assume, on such limited evidence, that these neighbours are definitely out to spook or to command this child!

My dd doesn't know how to tell the time and we don't have a clock so that's what makes me believe her.

But she didn't tell the time. She came out and said "it's 9 o'clock bedtime" at 9:15. Surely the neighbours would have said if it was 9:15 either "it's quarter past nine" or "it's after nine"?

Just as likely to be something she's heard you say or friends at nursery playing mummys/daddys or a book or TV.

IIIustriousIyIIlogical How do you know it was "loud" sex?

Because she was screaming, not moaning. Some people people are screamers 😜 Look, when my daughter is loud I certainly can hear her being loud and I go in and sort it out.

@AjasLipstick - Well we don't all OWN our homes! We can't all think "Ooh these walls are thin! Must change that!"

Owning or renting doesn't make any difference to the fact that it's a soundproofing issue. It just affects what you can do about it.

To confirm what was happening in my house I spent a few nights sleeping in dcs room.

Once I was sure I did as much soundproofing and white noising as possible as well as getting the message across by crashing about and loudly saying to dc "oh my goodness, no wonder you woke up, that's very loud isn't it?" every single time. They took the hint eventually and shut the hell up. It was grim.

I suppose being new they just had no idea how loud they were being and how crap the soundproofing is.

OP - If your child was talking softly then your neighbours would not have been able to here her would they? They may well have been talking to one another in a private conversation that your DD overheard.

It sounds as if the phrase was not shouted aggressively as your DD was not crying or scared when she came to tell you or was she?

If she was being loud then they may have called out in exasperation if they were tired and already in bed trying to get to sleep or if they had an early start and your daughter was keeping them awake.

You have said they are a young couple so this may be their first home together and they maybe unfamiliar living alongside people with young children.

There is nothing sinister in that and it was not a two way conversation. If you are suggesting that saying "It's 9 o clock go to bed" is trying to hold an inappropriate deviant conversation with a minor I would expect to get very short shrift off your neighbour who may well ask you if you can get try to get your DD to be quieter.

It would be very creepy if the neighbours were having late night conversations with your DD through the wall. However from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like this is even close to what’s happened.

It’s most likely that either:
a) she’s overheard them having a conversation along the lines ‘it’s 9pm I’m off to sleep (as I needs to be up early tomorrow)’ and got the wrong end of the stick or invented the rest of the story
b) your DD taking to her dolls is actually quite loud and they’ve said something like ‘it’s 9pm go to sleep’ to each other but about your daughter’s behaviour

I’d consider moving her bed as she’s clearly having her sleep disturbed but if you march round there and demand an explanation for them mentioning the time you’re going to sound paranoid and unhinged.

I don't mind when they say hello to her when we are outside. I'm happy for us to get to know each other and be sociable. I just don't feel it's appropriate to talk to people you hardly know through their bedroom wall. Bedrooms are private even if you can hear what people are doing in there. It feels intrusive to me and I would rather a knock on the front door. I really don't think that they were annoyed. The few times times we have seen each other in passing they really seem to like dd and smile at her and give her compliments. There could be other explanation but if they did tell her through her bedroom wall it's 9 0'clock go to bed then that just doesn't sit right with me. My gut instinct says something to me I'm not sure what, and any time I've ignored my gut instinct it turned out to have been right even without anything really substantial. I think I'll just casually ask them about it when dd's dad is here tomorrow. But then maybe they were just being helpful and trying to back me up as a parent trying to get her child to stay in bed. I just need to get to know them better.

hear not here

I wouldn't like it at all. What else might they say?

AnnieAnoniMouser

"No one needs anyone’s permission to talk to a child FFS there are some batshit posters."

I could not put it better myself.
Every mother think their child is a saint, until the shit hit them in the face.

Bit of a strange question, but what sort of time do they tend to have sex? If they're 'early people' maybe it was one of them shouting to the other 'It's 9 o' Clock, it's time for bed....' (Wink, wink, nudge nudge etc.)

Just a thought. A somewhat creepy thought mind you, but a thought nonetheless.

I resisted the temptation to respons with "OK I'll tell mine to keep the noise down". I thought it would have been a bit far fetched as we are now (thankfully) four miles apart!!

I proper snorted at that

@Bluetrews25

But 9pm is quite late for a 4yo to still be up, IMHO.

Might be the light evenings. DS is five and seems incapable of going to sleep until 9-9.30ish at the moment and some nights it's been closer to 10.

Maybe it's not the neighbours.

You often hear about children seeing and hearing ghosts, apparitions, spirits or what ever. Is the house haunted?

If your dd can hear the neighbours tell her it’s bedtime, then your poor neighbours with no children can hear your dd.
Try a little bit of actual parenting, put her to bed, tell her it’s time to sleep and give your your poor neighbours a break. Just because you wanted to have kids do you really think the rest of your terrace should suffer? If she can hear them and they can hear her please have some consideration for your neighbours. If you don’t think she wants to sleep, try having her in your lounge instead of imposing her chatter on your neighbours.

YANBU. This is totally inappropriate behaviour. They are communicating with your child without your permission.

My son's friend (teen girl) used to sing to the child next door to help her get back to sleep. I though that was very sweet. Maybe suggest that to them

There is still a door at the end of the hall next to dd bedroom that leads into neighbors unit that is permanently locked

Ok, so it's not actually a "wall" then is it OP.

I'd suggest either getting it bricked up, covering it with some sort of insulation or moving house.

Because if I was having an early night & could hear a child talking through a door I'd tell it to shut up too....

Yeah if I could hear a 4 year old through the wall at 9pm I would be annoyed too.

So what exactly did they say to her? Just its 9pm go to bed? How on Were they having a full blown conversation with her through the wall?

I think its really really odd you think that someone saying a few words, with no further interaction was trying to have a convo with your dd who apparantly was being quiet as a mouse so how did they know she was even there? Plus if the wall backs onto their linen cupboard, are you saying they were in their cupboard trying to talk to her. But all they said was its 9pm go to bed. It simply does not make any sense OP. They must ahve been talking to each other.

I just don't feel it's appropriate to talk to people you hardly know through their bedroom wall.

You don't actually know if this happened.

Your titles misleading and think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

You can't be 100% sure your neighbour even spoke to your DD through the wall and even if they did it sounds like a one off and that it was a bit of a joke, your making it sound like they're trying to groom her!

If it happens again then I'd go round and calmly talk to them about it, if you don't want to do that then unfortunately it's on you to fit some sound proofing measures to your adjoining walls or move your daughter to do a different room..

Also, when are they meant to have sex? Middle of the night sounds like the ideal time if you know the walls are thin.

YABU. They were calling out for your child to be quiet, not having a full blown conversation with her. 9pm is late!