They won't let dp come home

[catchingzedz]

Basically DP works for a very big well-known company, enjoys the job but they're very strict on time off. For the past 3 months our baby DS has been suffering unexplained seizures he's had 6 now. He spends a few days in hospital each time which DP is not aloud anytime off for. Sadly DS had 2 seizures within minutes of each other this morning and had to be rushed to hospital in an ambulance. Usually I'd be fine going with him alone but I suffered a miscarriage recently and feel generally awful. Also these were the worst and longest fits he's ever had, now he's very fussy and sicky and I'm very emotional so I called DP's office only for his manager to tell me, 'I'm very sorry about that. I'll let your DP know when I can. I don't see any reason for him to come and sit in the hospital though, it won't help the situation'
I'm livid. DS has gone to have some tests done that I can't sit in for and so I'm an emotional wreck as I write this.
Aibu to think that his (by the way childless) manager is a heartless bitch and that this a perfectly reasonable situation to leave work for??

Oh good. Didn’t refresh the page. The manager is a bitchy cow. I hope you get some answers.

Wow, her email is incredibly nasty! I think if you need to phone her again, then tell her it is not up tp her to say she won't tell your dp. He has legal rights to have carer's time. Telling everyone else they have to work an extra hour is outrageous.

This is why we need to be in unions. We only have the rights and entitlements we have because of the struggles they fought. And still do.

Even if there is no union agreement your DH should join one. He'll have advice, support and access to legal support. Which it sounds as if he might need.

Not sure the other staff can be forced to work an additional hour on so little notice either. And the tone of the letter is completely out of line.

Im a line manager (and a childless one) and would and have given time off in these circumstances. I do take issue with it being implied it's because she is childless.

That email is awful. He needs to report that once things have settled down.

Although I think this has been really badly handled, I can SORT OF see where the manager is coming from, as there is already one parent with the child.
I have been in this situation as a manager, with an employee who really took the piss, so my judgement has probably been clouded by my experience, but maybe this manager is the same?
In my case, the member of staff had a child who was born with CF, which is obviously devastating for them. When the child was born, I gave him - unrequested - two week's paid leave to spend with his family, on top of the two week's holiday he had already booked (this was before paternity leave).
However, it soon became apparent that, as with any chronic condition, the child would be admitted to hospital very regularly, in his case for monitoring when he caught a cold, and every time, he would drop everything and rush to the hospital with his wife, and want to stay there until the child was discharged.
My argument as his manager was that with a chronic lifelong condition, his family had to make arrangements to deal with it for ever, and it was unrealistic to expect unlimited, short-notice time off very regularly when it was not an 'emergency' as such.
The final straw came when he called me on the Monday morning to ask for time off as the child had been in hospital since the Friday evening. He came back in to work on the Wednesday, and it became apparent through overhearing phonecalls that he had been out and about as usual at the weekend, going to football etc. In other words, he was quite happy to leave his child (and wife?) when he had something to do that he enjoyed, but felt a burning desire to be at his child's bedside when he should have been at work.
So, although I think the DH's manager has handled this badly, I thought sharing my experience might give a bit of insight into how the manager's mind MIGHT have been working.
She might see months and years of your DH wanting/needing time off ahead, and thinks she needs to tackle the issue asap.

That's a very nasty spiteful message. Definitely needs to go up a level or two of the management.

That's appalling and utterly inappropriate. It's guilt-tripping, blackmail and threatening. 'this will be looked upon kindly if you should want to progress in the company in future months.'

Take it to HR and I'd call ACAS too.

But, by the way, stop with the 'by the way childless' stuff. I don't have children but am perfectly capable of finding this behaviour unacceptable.

How scary for you, DP and your baby.

His manager sounds like a sociopathic bitch. Who wouldn't care about a baby having serious seizures?

Does your DP not have his mobile on during the day? He should be contactable directly, even if his phone is on silent.

@cathf Understandable but I think our situation is very different DS has been in hospital for multiple days 6 times previously and DP has had no more than 3 hours off to deal with it (dropping off clothes, coming into work an hour late for example) He's worked at this company for two years and has had 4 sick days over 2 occasions. I really don't think there is any justification for her actions.
As for the text, it is a big company but there are 100s of branches the text was sent to the 6 or so other workers at DPs branch. Luckily they're all very friendly and know about DS otherwise it could have caused issues at work for him

I really hope your baby is ok. Anyone would struggle with this situation even if they hadn't recently gone through the trauma of a miscarriage and of witnessing their baby have several other fits.

That's fair enough cathf but this was an immediate emergency any plans regarding hospital attendances could be dealt with at a later date. This woman is just being awkward.

this Company sounds awful... I hope your Child is okay OP what a stressful awful time you're all having...

Oh just read your most recent post. I'm so glad your DP is going to make an official complaint/take it further.

She is basically treating it as though your DP has just decided to skive off for the day and also implied that he will not be looked on favourably in terms of promotion.

Does she simply not care or not understand? Or just lack any humanity?

I'd be raising a formal grievance, with advice from someone like ACAS. That email is absolutely disgusting and is indeed a form of bullying. She obviously thinks that she's above any rules or regulations and needs to be stopped.

that is terrible management. They are treating someone as a shirker who is manifestly not a shirker. He needs a new manager or a new job. I feel so sorry for your DH, what horrible pressure to be put under at work when he's already worried about DS.

Oh, I agree, that's why I said that the situation had been very badly handled.
I just thought it might be useful to share my experience 'from the other side' to give a possible insight into where she might be coming from.
Is she aware that your child has been in hospital for that many times and your DH has not requested leave?
Unfortunately, my past experience has clouded has clouded my judgement on issues like these, although I am sure I would permit the leave if I was aware that the baby had been in and out of hospital, and the employee had not asked for leave before.

Glad he's there now.

If your DS's condition is expected to last (I think it's) 2 years + then he could well be classed as having a disability, in which case there may be some protection from discrimination under the Equality Act etc (for the parents/carer of the disabled child).

DH was able to have various adjustments written into his contract as a result, used almost rarely, but good to have them there.

Not only is the message unkind and unfair to the OPs partner but it's also verging on bullying or threatening. If you don't stay late, we'll overlook you for promotion.

Which company is it OP? I would be happy to make a protest.

How old is your baby, OP?

You shouldn't be making decisions about an employee based on another employees conduct.

"I don't see any reason for him to come and sit in the hospital though, it won't help the situation'"

Maybe true, but not her decision to make, is it?

Glad that he's there now, Op.

Sometimes you can cope alone, sometimes not.

the manager is very foolish to explicitly state that they expect overtime to get promotions - sounds like a toxic work culture.

I agree with cath though about there being limits to what you can expect firms to understand for long term conditions but life-threatening seizures are something else.

I’m glad DH is with you. That email is excellent as now you have written evidence to support your verbal records of how awful the line manager is!

Oddcat, I know that, obviously
Which is why I said I would have permitted the leave if I knew that the child had been hospitalised before and he father had not asked for time off.
But I think most people, unless they are paragons of virtue, make judgements based on past experiences, and that was mine unfortunately.

My DH is a line manager (a principal Engineer working for a Local Authority), and he would be shocked at this. Although he is also a union rep so he sees both sides. I think your DH should take out a grievance against this manager, depending on what procedures the company he works for has. HR would be the first port of call.

I wonder if your child’s consultant would write a letter explaining that when your ds is hospitalised for multiple seizures he is in a life threatening condition. Your dh needs to be notified and sent to hospital immediately!

I am so sorry op, I don’t want to frighten you but I am sure your ds’s doctors have explained the dangers of SUDEP. Your DH’s manager needs to realise that this isn’t a cold/ viral infection, your baby is incredibly ill and vulnerable and he needs both parents by his side.
I have a friend who lost her toddler to SUDEP and I think that most people have no idea how devastatingly dangerous epilepsy is! Most assume that it is easily treatable but that isn’t always the case!