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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a wife?

191 replies

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 10/06/2018 21:56

I love my DH. I really do. But just now and then I wish I was married to someone who did for me half of the emotional labour I do for him. All the work that's just seen as woman's work, so that men don't feel they have to reciprocate?

Some emotional Labour I wish my spouse would do:

Replying to texts on HIS family whatsapp so that my MIL and FIL dont start texting me separately asking for responses to things they've asked him

Meal planning so that it's not always me having to come up with ideas and so that he can't then wriggle out of cooking because he 'doesn't know' how to cook what I planned

Thinking about what clothes we are both going to need for specific events in the immediate future that he knows about and washing those clothes instead of random clothes

Realising what housework needs done without having to be told every time

Filling the car with petrol before bringing it home instead of steering into the drive on fumes and leaving it to me to panic about not having enough to get to the station the next morning when I'm usually in a rush

I feel like a massive nag so I'm writing here instead of having a go at him! Please make me feel better by sharing with me the things you wish your partner would do for you without needing specific instructions

OP posts:
FissionChips · 10/06/2018 21:59

Why do you put up with it? Confused

Original poster
MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 10/06/2018 22:01

Because he really is lovely and he tries and while I'm having a moan tonight because of a specific situation that's caused me a bit of stress, it's usually more of a low grade annoyance than anything serious. He has improved a lot since I met him so I'm hopeful it's an ongoing process!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 10/06/2018 22:05

Thinking about what clothes we are both going to need for specific events in the immediate future that he knows about and washing those clothes instead of random clothes

I've never once thought about what my oh is going to wear...how odd that you do? Let him sort his self out fgs

Whyohwhy65 · 10/06/2018 22:05

I want a wife. So they plan my birthday the way I plan theirs. I plan weeks in advance. I get decorations balloons personalised cards take lots of photos.
I get a 50p card and nothing else.

IcanMooCanYou · 10/06/2018 22:06

I have a husband who does all that. Why would you need a wife if you're not gay? Hmm Just sounds like you picked the wrong husband. (Actually the only thing I can't say mine does is think about what clothes I need washing, but he certainly sorts his own)

kitkatsky · 10/06/2018 22:07

Not all or this can be addressed, but things like WhatsApp- just say he has seen the msg. Pls nudge him get back to you

Penfold007 · 10/06/2018 22:07

Nah he's not lovely and you are enabling his behaviour.

Namethecat · 10/06/2018 22:07

Whyohwhy65

You get a card ? Lucky you more often or not I don't even get that !

LannieDuck · 10/06/2018 22:09

YANBU - I get it around the logistic of childcare.

My OH and I both work, and i think how lovely it would be to have a wife who did all the school runs, sorted the kids out in the morning and evening, made sure homework got done, took time off work when the kids were ill, could look after them when I went on business trips etc.

But then I realise that i'd feel dreadfully guilty if I was abdicating my responsibilities that much!

I think part of it is expecting your OH to do his part like a functioning adult, and not stepping in to deal with the fall out when/if he doesn't.

  • So ignore the texts from his MIL/FIL - if your OH chooses to ignore his parents, that's up to him.
  • Split the week into half for both meal planning and cooking - he does both on Mon and Tues, you do both on Weds and Thurs, and you get a take-away or go out on Fri.
  • Leave him to sort out his own clothes (that's an easy one!).
Ellisandra · 10/06/2018 22:12

I had a husband that did fuck all.
I got rid.

Today, future husband was at my house, and I had to go out before him. Got home, he’d put his mug into the dishwasher, noticed it was full, started it.

You don’t need a wife, you just need a husband that isn’t an arse.

Let him choose his own clothes, he’s not 2.

Stop answering his parents. “Hi - you’ll need to check with X about that. x”

Birdsgottafly · 10/06/2018 22:12

When I was at Uni as a Mature LP Student, we would often say that we wanted a Wife. Not a opposite sex Partner, but a Wife to make life easier.

Mxyzptlk · 10/06/2018 22:13

But then I realise that i'd feel dreadfully guilty if I was abdicating my responsibilities that much!

Why are they your responsibilities more than DH's?

trojanpony · 10/06/2018 22:13

Oooof
This is not great but you are enabling it to some degree.

The WhatsApps you’ve trained the family to come to you for an answer - you need to put a stop to it now if you want it to change.
Reply “i don’t know let me check with DP” then put a message on the group what’s app “hi DP, can you please answer MIL? She needs to make plans”

For cleaning just make your life easier and give him a list of jobs “evening kitchen wipe down”
“Clothing load in every Friday eve and hanging sat night... folding and put away sat morning” etc

Cooking - just get him cooking and when he asks what’s for dinner say “surprise me” you’ll have to suck up ruined meal planning for a while

Let him have nothing to wear and deal with the consequences

Petrol explain what a dick he is being.

Iseveryusernamealreadytaken · 10/06/2018 22:14

he tries

Does he really though? Because all the things you are describing are things that any average adult could do, not just 'try'. Unless there's more to this story than you have said (e.g. he's suffering the after-effects of some kind of head injury which affects his ability to care for himself) then there's no reason that he can't do those things.

Do you think he could successfully live on his own and manage to clothe and feed himself? Does he manage to hold down a job and which involves any element of thinking ahead or remembering to respond to emails etc? If so, you're being taken for a ride.

Babynonamee · 10/06/2018 22:16

I'm feeling very similar OP. My DH ticks all those boxes (apart from the filing the car up with fuel one).

I'm feeling kind of sad (but relieved I'm not being an unreasonable wife) at the responses.

Sayhellotothesun · 10/06/2018 22:16

I'm a shit wife.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 10/06/2018 22:18

No what you need is to stop being a martyr and stop doing things you don’t want to do that he can do for himself. No idea why you do them if you don’t like it.

Rednaxela · 10/06/2018 22:18

Nag = a word men use to shut women up

Remind = what most women are doing when men spout aforementioned word

I bet his boss doesn't remind him to do his fucking work

Neverender · 10/06/2018 22:19

I hear ya Flowers

longlostpal · 10/06/2018 22:19

Sounds frustrating, but are you sure you’re not making a rod for your own back? You’re frustrated doing this stuff, understandably, can you just.... not do it?

  • just don’t reply to his WhatsApp. Short text in reply to his parents if they text you, saying they’ll have to ask dh. They’ll get the message after a few times.
  • let him sort his own clothes out for meals
  • if he’s cooking, don’t try to prescribe what he cooks, just let him get on with it with what is in the kitchen
  • chores, either draw up a rota, or tell him, ‘it’s saturday morning, the toilet needs cleaning, I did it last week....’
  • petrol - is this happening regularly?? Yes he needs to up his game here....
Grobagsforever · 10/06/2018 22:19

You're enabling him. Stop immediately

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 10/06/2018 22:19

@Sayhellotothesun

That's what I was thinking too. When I read things like the OP, I kinda realise what dh means when he says I don't do anything for him (to which I respond that he is a grown up and can deal with it like the rest of us).

LannieDuck · 10/06/2018 22:19

*Mxyzptlk

But then I realise that i'd feel dreadfully guilty if I was abdicating my responsibilities that much!*

I meant that if I hypothetically had a Wife, I'd feel guilty leaving all the Wifework to my Wife, i.e. I couldn't do what many men on here seem to do and shove the vast majority of the childcare/chores onto the woman without a second thought. I'd feel bad about not doing my share

Sorry that wasn't clear ;)

SandyY2K · 10/06/2018 22:20

You dont need a wife to do those things.

My is fully capable of responding to messages on his family chat.

He can fill up fuel...he has to. We own our own cars .

He is a fully functioning adult and can work out what he'll wear events. He may ask what I'm wearing...so we can match up...or he may ask my opinion if his outfit.

You enable this laziness. I'm sure he responds to and actions tasks at work just fine.

Rednaxela · 10/06/2018 22:20

And I bet he doesn't tell his boss to stop nagging Hmm

Seriously can you imagine a world where men told their male bosses to stop nagging them!?